I am America (and so can you!) (46 page)

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The Hindus have an elephant-headed god Ganesha, and I’ll grant it’s hard not to worship a deity that can
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eat hay without using its fingers.

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Islam
16

Islam is a great and true religion revealed in the Holy Koran which was dictated by the angel Gabriel to the final prophet Mohammed, Blessing and Peace Be Upon Him.

Scientology

This fast-growing but controversial religion is attracting some smart people. At least they seem smart—they certainly know a lot about Scientology!

I know a lot of folks are quick to criticize Scientology for its secrecy and willingness to sue dissenters, but if you figured out the secret to expunging Engrams from the Reactive Mind, you’d be protective of it, too. Though I may disagree with Scientology on a number of things—like the notion that Galactic Lord Xenu exiled Thetans to Earth in spaceships shaped exactly like late 60s-era DC-8 airplanes, and then stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs 75 million years ago, and the spirits of these Thetans now inhabit our human bodies and prevent us from reaching our full potential—I do agree with their well-publicized disdain for
Glib

psychoanalysis. Three hundred bucks an hour and all the guy wants to do is talk about my mother? Beam me up, L. Ron!

Rastafarianism

Any religion that sees 20th century Ethiopian emperor

Haile Selassie17 as a member of the Holy Trinity is worth our

suspicion. Then again, any religion whose messiah’s name

isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of

a threat. My main beef with these folks is that they try to

make smoking grass acceptable by labeling it a “sacrament.” In my book, that gets you Raptured right into federal prison camp.

Still, Reggae is pretty good. Makes great background music at the corporate
No potato salad,

barbecue.

no cry

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16
Islam is a great and true religion revealed in the Holy Koran which was dictated by the angel Gabriel to the
final prophet Mohammed, Blessing and Peace Be Upon Him.

17
Member of the Holy Trinity and he couldn’t even beat Italy?

All Other Crazy Cults

The problem with cults is that they don’t have the brass to be

honest from the get-go. They hide behind phrases like “selfimprovement workshop” or “human potential coach” or “improv class,” then they slowly sneak in the crazy stuff so that you don’t notice. If they had any guts, in the very first cult meeting they’d say, “You all need to wear yellow bedsheets and have sex with me twice a day until we get beamed up to a comet in twelve years. Also, give me all your money.”18 Then
Buy
I Am America
,
the audio-book.

we wouldn’t have a problem—the wacky people can still join, and the people who are just suggestible can go, “Oh, this is a cult” and get out of there. I’m not trying to take away anyone’s right to get poisoned in order to send their spirit to Pluto, I’m just saying they should know what they’re getting ahead of time. Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

Atheists

These No-goodnik no-Godniks are growing in numbers and

power in America. It makes me wonder how a God could exist

Who’d allow people to piss me off so much.

“Dust in the Wind” is

Luckily, a recent survey published in the
American Sociological
not
a hymn.
Review
revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes

sense—at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

But here’s the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they’re completely deluding themselves. There’s simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn’t hate them so much, I’d feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there’s no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It’s just so arbitrary! Can’t they see?

What’s worse is that atheists blindly follow whatever their scientists tell them to, no matter how unbelievably fantastical it sounds to rational ears. Yeah, earthquakes are caused by the shifting of giant unseen plates buried deep beneath the ground. There’s no way it could be God jiggling the globe because 18
The Colbert Empowerment System is different. It’s not a cult, it’s a Mind Management System™ that
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removes “the unwanted cash that’s holding you back.”

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

people in California commit sodomy. No, that would be too simple!

Atheists enrage me precisely because they impute everything that happens to the semi-random workings of the natural world. They refuse to take responsibility for their actions! If their dog dies, it’s because the decay of its cells caused by the aging process was “meant to be.” They’ll never stand up and say,

“I deserved this as punishment for mixing my meats and cheeses.” Makes me angry just thinking about it.

Agnostics

Atheists without balls.

ATHEISTS AND THE BIG SECULAR AGENDA

People of faith like you and me are under attack. Especially people like me. Atheists are the driving force behind what I call Big Secularism. Card-carrying members of BS have snaked their way into every branch of our federal government, except for the judicial and executive. Did you know that in the House of Representatives and the Senate, there are as many as
one
selfdescribed atheist currently serving? Democratic Representative Pete Stark of California’s 13th district, to name just one. Just think of it—how are any profaith initiatives going to make it into law when Congress is held hostage by the anti-God caucus of Stark, his self and him?

BS is a gathering storm—a growing movement of lefty Lord-loathers intent on driving religion out of the public square, no matter how much time I spend hanging tinsel.

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

I’m not afraid to say it: I love Christmas.15 Call me crazy, but I like getting together with the family, having a nice meal and opening presents. I even like eating candy out of a sock. I wish there were more days designated to do that.
How about

Sorry if that offends some of you, but I promised I was going to tell it like it is.
Thanksgiving dinner

out of a sock?

And I’m what you call a Christmas Guy.

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15
However, I can’t say I love Easter. Pastel colors wash me out.

That’s why it upset me so much when the town hall in the coastal Connecticut hamlet where I vacation was forced to take down its nativity scene. And this is despite the fact that it also displayed a sign telling people they could see a menorah two towns over. But balance isn’t what the wall-of-separationbetween-church-and-state-huggers are after. They just want to marginalize people of faith of all kinds and push us into the corners of American Life. So, down the display came. It’s easy to imagine this sort of thing is happening everywhere. Where will it end?

A Visit from St. Secular

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

Mamma in her kerchief, and I in the nude,

Were shocked that our holiday had been misconstrued,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

(Mind you, I’m still nude.)

Out to the lawn in my glory, I flew.

To see my manger disassembled by the ACLU.

–Written by Clement C. Moore, 1822

–Updated by Stephen Colbert, 2007

Still nude

Imagine a time in the not-too-distant future—December 24th, but instead of festive lights and glowing Santas, the streets are illuminated by police helicopters. Meanwhile, in the streets, roving gangs of children terrorize the city. They have zero respect for authority because whether a child is naughty or nice, everyone gets the same thing for Christmas: Jack Squat. So they’ve gone wild. It’s like Devil’s Night in Detroit, only there’s still stuff worth burning. As the fires rage, bands of depressed alcoholic derelicts, once jolly carolers, shuffle aimlessly, no longer sharing their cheerful seasonal hymns, but instead searching for a death that will never come. God rest ye, merry Gentlemen. And of course, now that there’s no Christmas, insects have grown to enormous
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