I am America (and so can you!) (44 page)

JESUS TRAIN TIMETABLE

Midnight

Jesus Train

Crazy Train

Night Train

Train

to Georgia

Manger

Bum-bum! Bum7-11

L.A.

bum, bum-bum,

bum-bum!

Origin

Ay! Ay! Ay!

Salvation

Off the rails

Oblivion

Georgia

Destination

Rapture

Next full moon?

As soon as enough

Midnight

e Time

change is collected

Departur

Bliss, eternal life,

Bum-bum deedleSleep and/or pee

Pips

moral certitude

deedle deedle

anywhere you want

buh-duh buh-duh

d amenities

buh-duh-buh-duh

bum-bum

Onboar

Manna from

Dove, bat

None (it’s coming

Roast beef

als

Heaven

back up anyway)

sandwich

Me

($11.99?!)

One Other Thing:
Just because you’re on a God Train doesn’t mean you’re bound for Glory. Only Our Lord’s locomotive will carry us to the winner’s circle, but don’t take my word for it. Let our God’s record speak for Itself.
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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

HOLY WAR. HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Training and equipping fighting men in the field goes a long way to winning any armed conflict. But if you really want to tip the scales in your favor, get
And have Him bring

God on your side.4

Air Power

Look no further than the words of Lieutenant General William G. Boykin, U.S. Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, who described our victories over our terrorist enemy thusly: “I knew my God was bigger than his. I
A big
Salaam

knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol.”

aleichem
to my

Muslim fans!

That should be carved into the lead of every bullet fired out of every American gun. Too long to fit, though. How about this:

“My God can beat up your god.”

Because He can! Take a look.

THE OFFICIAL WIN-LOSS RECORD OF THE JUDEO-CHRISTIAN GOD

The War in Heaven (Lucifer’s Rebellion)

Calculations courtesy
Lucifer leads 133,306,668 fallen angels against God’s 266,613,336 good angels.
Pope John XXI

(c. 1273 AD)

Not surprisingly, God wins, because God was on God’s side.

God: 1, Not-God: 0.

Israelites vs. Canaanites

Have they tried

Joshua blows a trumpet, and the walls of Jericho fall. Later, the sun stands
blowing a trumpet

in Iraq?

still at Gibeon and the moon in the valley of Aijalon so the Israelites can defeat the Amorite kings. But maybe the atheists are right—maybe it was all just a coincidence.5

God: 2, Not-God: 0.

The Crusades

The Crusades lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world governments, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat. I’d say God won this round.

God: 3, Not-God: 0

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4
Or a team of exiled Jewish physicists. Those guys really had a bee in their bonnet about something.
5
If you believe that, I’ve got some swampland in the Kingdom of Reuben to sell you!

The Hundred Years’ War

Terrible name for a

war.
Never

With God’s help, King Henry V wins the decisive battle at Agincourt in 1415

set a date for

withdrawal.

against the idolatrous French, giving the English control of the north and west of France.

God: 4, Not-God: 0.

The Hundred Years’ War II

With God’s help, Joan of Arc lifts England’s siege of Orleans, giving the French control of the north and west of France.

God: 5, Not-God: 0.

The Fall of Constantinople

When the Muslims took over Constantinople in 1453, it wasn’t because God was on the Ottoman Empire’s side. He was just mad at the Byzantines for breaking off from the Catholic Church over the addition of the word
filioque
to the Nicene Creed in 1054. Hey guys, “You schism it, you buy it.” Sorry, I’m
We all scream

for Nicene!

still a little bitter.

God: 6, Not-God: 0.

Revolutionary War

Sorry, Great Britain, but if you go up against “One nation, under God,” you’re going to get your ass handed to you
twice
as hard. (Historico-linguistical note: At this point, “God” became synonymous with “America.”)

God: 7, Not-God: 0.

The Civil War

Since America was on
both
sides, whichever way this thing went, everyone knew it would be a windfall for the Lord.

God: 8, Not-God: 0.

“Brother-against-

brother” is another

way of “doubling-

down.”

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

World War I

God wasn’t sure which way to go here—lot of Christians on both sides—so He sat it out for fear of tarnishing His perfect record. But then in 1917

America joined in, so He had no choice. He won it, then retired, making this officially The War to End All Wars.

God: 9, Not-God: 0.

World War II

God got forced out of retirement by the taunting of Japanese Shinto spirit
Note: “Jap” is

deities. Germany joined with the Japs (bad move by them), and God killed
an acceptable term

when used to

Socialist President Roosevelt so Truman could drop The Bomb.6

save ink.

God: 10, Not-God: 0.

Korean War

Technically, not a war—a “police action.” Doesn’t count. Although you don’t see me writing this book in Korean. So, really...

God: 11, Not-God: 0.

Vietnam

You can’t say God lost Vietnam. The Democratic Congress lost it, by refusing
You’re thinking

to fund God’s war. He may be omnipotent, but He’s not made out of money.
of Mammon.

God: 11, Not-God: 0, Democrats: -1.

Iraq

That’s the last

Once again, God won the War. He just doesn’t occupy very well.

time God listens to

Rumsfeld.

God: 12, Not-God: 0, Democrats: -1.

So it’s clear that when you follow God, you’re riding on the winning train,7 but if you want to go first class on ChrisTrak, there’s only only one way to ride...
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6
Some may doubt God’s hand here, but do you know what Truman’s job was before being President?

He
sold hats
.

7
Train races! Why isn’t there more of this? We could build parallel tracks, or there could just be time trials.
We can figure the specifics out later. Get on this, Amtrak!

Roman Catholicism!

Jesus founded only One Church and it wasn’t Unitarian. He took

His apostle Simon and made him into a rock and built a church on
Simon says “Pray!”

him. It’s called “the Holy Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church,”

or “Church” for short.

Catholics have many advantages over other Christians. One is marble. For the buck I put into the collection plate, I want some production value. That means a church, not some community center that doubles as a basketball court. Also, Catholics have saints—more than 10,000 of them. They’re like God’s customer service reps, and each of them has a specialty. Say you lose your wallet. You could bother the Creator to help you find it, but if you’re a Catholic, you don’t have to. Just pray to St. Anthony. Finding lost things is all he does. For Eternity. Also, there are times when you might want to pray to St. Agatha. She’s the patron saint of nursing and bell-making. If you’re both a nurse and a bell-maker, that’s one-stop shopping.

Some are put off by the labyrinthine structure of Catholic dogma, but many of its rituals are quite beautiful, and not just when edited together as a tense, poetic counterpoint to brutal violence in Mafia films.

But maybe you’re not ready to be a Roman Catholic. Well, as the saying goes,

“There are many roads to God.” Some are just more twisty than others. So if you want to get a little needless exercise, why don’t you try one of these Goat Paths to Nowhere?

Protestantism

This is a variant form of Christianity, or “heresy.”

Protestants don’t make me angry as much as disappointed. Unlike
But they do make
me angry.

the world’s crazy made-up religions, they’re so close to getting it right. They’re a single Pope away from reaching their full potential.8

But instead of stepping up and making a commitment to one, holy, apostolic Church, they’re stuck on this notion of “independence,” of unmediated faith in Christ. Do you really think God prefers a mess of polyglot, disorganized prayers over the elegant hand-written Latin epistles from Benedict XVI? As 8
I’m sure the Pope would put on a polo shirt and boat shoes, if that would make you feel more comfortable.
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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

if He doesn’t have enough to do already without putting your request for an aboveground pool into Babel Fish.

So we get it, Protestants. You’ve had your 490-year “protest”—let’s move on.
Where I come from,

Martin Luther was probably right to translate the Bible into German, and I’ll
nailing things to

a church door is

grant that he may have had a legitimate beef about selling indulgences. But

vandalism
.

let’s stop living in the past. Whenever you’re ready, the Church’s doors are always open. We’ll let you back into eternal salvation, and all you have to do is say a few Hail Marys, feel a little guilty, and deliver us your massive army of lockstep values voters.

Plus, if you come back into the fold, I’ve got some bargain-basement relics you might be interested in. I’m talking rare, primo St. Ebrulf shinbone.
It blows.

That’s my general take on Protestantism. Here’s the blow-by-blow:
Episcopal Church

Why don’t Episcopalians just come out and say it: They’re

Anglicans. A bunch of Tory Loyalist Brit-o-philes living in our midst, just waiting for the day America lets her guard down so they can slip tea into our coffeemakers, bayonet our bald eagles, and reinstate Henry VIII. Let’s keep an eye on these people.

Methodism

Don’t be a

What, the Church of England wasn’t heretical enough for you?

Meth-head.

Presbyterians

Presbyterians are identical to Methodists except that one of them

“Forgive us our debts?”

says “debts” instead of “trespasses” in the Lord’s Prayer. Hundreds
Who are they, Bono?

of years of bitter armed conflict has failed to resolve this difference. How many more lives must be lost?

Baptists

I’m a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should

be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at
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the end to make you feel better. I don’t go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you

very much.

Quakers
9

These folks produced only two things I like—Oatmeal and Richard Nixon.