I am America (and so can you!) (43 page)

C H A P T E R 4

“Jesus is just all right with me.”

–The Doobie Brothers

But are they all right with Jesus? Drop the reefer, boys, and pick up a Bible!

NEWS FOR THE GODLESS: RELIGION

BAD
IS INESCAPABLE. THERE HAS NEVER

BEEN A HUMAN SOCIETY WITHOUT

SOME FORM OF WORSHIP. AND

DON’T POINT TO COMMUNIST SOCIETIES LIKE THE SOVIET

UNION—THEY WORSHIPPED BLUE JEANS. OF COURSE,

BEATNIKS, PEACENIKS, AND NO-GOODNIKS QUESTION

why we need religion. “Imagine,” they croon, “there’s no countries. It isn’t hard, it’s true. Nothing to fight or kill for, and no religion, too.” You may find that idea appealing because it rhymes. But so does this: “God said to Noah there’s gonna be a floody-floody / Get those children out of the muddy-muddy.”

Mine rhymes 4 times.

The “children” mentioned in that Bible verse didn’t think they needed religion either, and look what happened to them (drowny-drowny). Bottom line: Religion is the cornerstone of civilization. Without it, we would have no laws,
Agriculture is the
flying buttress.

no morality, no social structure, and no guidelines for furnishing our tabernacles. We would exist in a state of valueless depravity, like they do in Holland.1

1
Note to Publisher: For Dutch edition, change to “Belgium.”

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

GOOD NEWS

Religion exists. And so mankind can benefit from its numerous gifts.
Law:
The Ten Commandments are the basis of our entire system of justice. Without them we wouldn’t have laws, and without laws there’d be chaos.2

Those two tablets give you everything you need to run an orderly society. Lying, stealing, murdering, adultery, idol worship and coveting are
out
. Parenthonoring and Sabbath observance are
in
. By the way, if you’re reading this on your religion’s Sabbath, you’d better have a non-believer there turning the
I can recommend

pages for you, because when it comes to the T.C.s, I’m an originalist. That
a good page-man.

means, if a neighbor takes so much as a covetous
glimpse
at my wife, I’m
It’s made of stone

looking for my lucky stoning hat.

(so I blend in).

Morality:
Religion lays out clear definitions of good and evil, distinguishing good deeds—“
solids
” in Biblical Hebrew—from sins. Think about it: Without this guidance and reward/punishment system, how would we know that it’s actually
good
to give charity to beggars? Plus, without the concept of Right and Wrong, we’d have no cowboy movies or cop shows because there’d be no
Good & Plenty would
good guys and bad guys—just guys.
just be Plenty.

And forget about karaoke. I mean, “(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don’t Want to Be Right” is my go-to crowd pleaser, but who wants to hear “(If Loving You Is Okay) Then, Okay”?

Social Cohesion:
Religion gives communities reasons to come together and
Witch trials make

build bonds through shared participation in rituals. Admit it—people would
great mixers.

never speak to anyone outside their immediate families if not for mandatory pilgrimages to holy rocks or watching virgins’ hearts get carved out atop their
I know what

ziggurats.

a ziggurat is.

Hope:
I believe it was the tiger-philosopher Hobbes who described human life as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Religion allows us to ignore all that by praying. When we appeal to our deities with a slaughtered ewe, or prostration, or, in the case of Hare Krishnas, airport conga line, we exert some control over our existence and are filled with hope that God may improve it. Otherwise, we’re just chanting our deepest desires into a silent, indifferent void. How depressing would that be?

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2
On the plus side, you wouldn’t get a $100 ticket for parking in front of your own TV studio
for, like,
thirty seconds
. C’mon!

Meaning:
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe
Moths, get a publicist.
to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies. And what’s on next?

A show about tornadoes. Who made such a harrowing program schedule full of seemingly random destruction? It was God’s will.

Responsibility:
Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we’d be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children’s elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.
Hi, Mr. Jellineck!

Immortality:
If you’re good, you don’t “die.” It’s my favorite gift of religion, because it’s the most practical. For instance, I got that PBS
Civil War
series on DVDs last Christmas but I haven’t had time to watch. (I can’t wait to see how it turns out.) But thanks to religion, after I depart my earthly body I’ll have eternity to watch those DVDs with Abraham Lincoln. He ought to be able to tell me if Ken Burns3 got it right.

So, now that you understand religion’s gifts, you can understand why America chose to be a Godly nation, and by Godly I mean Jesusly.

RELIGION IN AMERICA

Make no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theodemocracy is our Judeo-Christian Values™. That term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. That makes about as much sense as comparing Jesus to Moses. One of them could walk on water; the other one had to part it. Which one seems more Christian to you?

Think of “Judeo-Christian” like “Sears, Roebuck & Co.”—Judaism is Roebuck.
The “& Co.”?

Unitarians.

Now, the Secular-Progressives out there are going to say, “Hold on, Colbert. Wasn’t America founded on the ideas of Enlightenment thinkers like Hume and Paine?” Common misconception. Who landed at Plymouth Rock? Pilgrims. And the only reason they got on the
Mayflower
was to flee religious persecution. That means they had a religion: Christianity. And thank God they did. If it
Thank you, Jesus.
wasn’t for Jesus’ message of love in their hearts, do you think they would have taught the Indians that “maize” is really called “corn”?

3
Once again, a reporter who failed to interview anybody
who was actually there.

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

GUT-CHECK: Since the Pilgrims were victims of persecution, some assume they were tolerant. That’s just liberal propaganda. Sure, they were against persecution…of Pilgrims. But after they changed their name to

“Puritans” (in what I believe was a copyright dispute), they were more than happy to drown what Lesbians now call Wiccans.

??????

We hear a lot about how the founders created a so-called “wall of separation
Pat Robertson, tear

between church and state.” The myth of such a wall is exacerbated by our
down this wall!

Constitution’s confusingly worded First Amendment:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…”

Many point to these words as somehow prohibiting the establishment of Christianity as our national religion. But if the founders were so anti-Christian,
It’s not “We the

how come the Constitution never mentions evolution?

Ape-People.”

And even if I’m wrong, just because “Congress shall make no law” doesn’t mean that we can’t establish a religion. It just means we’ll have to do it without
Or just a

Congress. An executive order, perhaps?

knowing wink

So, to sum up: America is a Christian nation. And as the old Negro spiritual says, “This Train is bound for Glory, this Train.” Folks, America is riding the Jesus Train.

Attention travelers:
Please note that the Jesus Train is NOT the Crazy Train or the Night Train or the Midnight Train to Georgia. There’s a big difference. Check your tickets before boarding.

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