I am Haunted: Living Life Through the Dead (2 page)

When I look back at Nick Groff, Aaron Goodwin, and myself in the early days of the show, I see three guys who would do a lockdown but didn’t have any idea what we were doing. We knew what we were supposed to do and what we felt we had to do in terms of our investigations, but we didn’t know that much. Now we’re in a deeper place, and at times I feel lost in the regular world, even though I have a lot of the things I always wanted, which I earned through hard work. I’ve been able to buy a nice house and cars and support myself without having to worry about paying bills. I earned that. For seven years I’ve delivered a number-one-rated TV show to a major network, along with many other successful projects. That’s the American dream we all strive for: success and security.

So why do I still feel so lost?

Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced things that I can’t find easy answers to, and that makes me distance myself more and more from normal people who haven’t seen the darkness. When I get home from an investigation or a lockdown, I don’t want to be around anybody—not even my own family. I’m thinking about life, God, death, and what lies beyond as much as a young boy thinks about girls. It’s on my mind 24/7, but it has consequences. I think about my interactions with spirits and the emotions I feel as a result, and at times I don’t know whether I’m living or dying.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not depressed. It’s more that being deeply in tune with a world that’s dead is causing a shift in my life. When you tap into a world that’s bizarre, things can happen that no one understands. And then you belong to the spirits, not to yourself.

I see other paranormal investigators as people who are trying hard to figure out the basics of the spirit world, while I’m fully immersed in it. They’re snorkeling in ten feet of water to look at the reef, while I’m at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. I’m in a very deep part of this field, and I don’t mean in terms of evidence. That’s what too many people focus on—visual, audio, visual, audio, audiovisual, EMF, EVP, proof, proof, proof. It never ends. There is proof, but it’s more complicated than asking science to provide it. Science changes all the time, and what is accepted as true today can be disproved tomorrow.

Let’s stop with the cliché that says, “There are no ghosts because science can’t prove it.” Those scientists will prove ghosts when they prove God. I’ve met dozens of skeptical scientists who don’t believe in spirits or ghosts, yet they go to church every Sunday. There are just some things that can’t be observed on cue and be put into a nice, neat box, so it’s time to move on and admit that there are forces and worlds that far exceed what our minds can fathom. We should be looking for the
causes
of paranormal activity, not the effects. It’s more advanced than any science experiment or what any human mind could possibly comprehend.

If you want to figure out the spirit world while you’re alive, then beware—the deeper you get into it, the deeper they may want you, and the more powerful the pull is to find the answers. For some spirits and dark entities, it’s one or the other—you stay in the living world and try to figure them out, or you join them to get the answers you’re looking for. No living person has any solid answers about the spirit world. Everyone just has their own opinion. It’s like religion. It’s not proven; it’s a belief. I’ve spent a lifetime discovering what I believe, and all I’m really sure of is that it’s a dangerous place, especially when you take part in local rituals.

I’ve done several pagan rituals that called upon the ancient goddess of death, as well as a witchcraft ritual with a warlock who put a spell on us that we didn’t even know about. Christian Day, a powerful warlock who legitimately knows rituals that awaken strange forces, told me to my face that he cursed me because he’s mischievous. Nick, Aaron, and I participated in two rituals with Bloody Mary the Voodoo Queen, and Aaron went through nine months of hell afterward, which he believes was because of her.

These are powerful people who specialize in the summoning of spirits as part of their religion. And I don’t know them that well. We’re not friends, so I don’t know if they’re doing black magic on us to harm us or what. I don’t know if these rituals have truly lifted a veil to reveal something evil, or if these people are trying to protect us from them. These people don’t just go around doing rituals for entertainment, so when they do perform one, who’s to say that they’re not unleashing something even they can’t control?

Paranormal investigators who don’t participate in rituals or rely heavily on equipment-based investigation aren’t doing all they can to find evidence, but that’s okay, because not everyone should. I think it takes certain people who are more deeply connected to the spiritual world to successfully experiment and use rituals in order to knock on unfamiliar doors and establish a direct connection to the spirit world. We are equipment-based, but we have a balance. We’re like the mixed martial arts fighters of PI. We’re trained in scientific techniques, emotional connections, and historical research. I feel that few other paranormal investigators and TV shows (and let’s be clear: I’m not talking down about anyone and respect other investigators and TV shows) go the extra mile to round out their skills. Conducting historical research and emotionally opening up to the energy of a location and the spirits found there are where we shine. To me, other investigators are relic hunters, like a guy on a beach with a metal detector. They know where they’re going to go hunting, and that’s one of the big differences right there: We don’t hunt ghosts.

We don’t call it ghost hunting even in jest. Ghost hunting is looking for something and using equipment to find it, and that defines these types of investigators. They’re not using their own bodies and their own energy to their advantage. Although I disagree with them, I also understand why they decline to do it. They think the body is fallible and can give false responses, and therefore a disinterested, unemotional machine is a better tool to capture paranormal evidence. This is where our groups disagree. To me, the body is a perfectly reliable detector of paranormal energy if you know how to use it right to tune into the spiritual world. This is a defining difference between our group and others: our willingness to use our bodies as detectors and to try local spiritual and religious rituals. We harness the power of religious groups and practices and go beyond what cold science can prove or detect in terms of the existence of another dimension. We go as far as we can to lift the veil and open up a portal to make contact.

Think about it: If the spirit world is so much more advanced than the material world, then how can science and equipment go beyond known levels to detect it? I believe that EMF detectors and multi-spectrum camera equipment can do only so much. They can scratch the surface of the spirit world and catch a glimpse, like a shooting star in the desert, but can all that equipment capture anything when it’s sitting still or turned off? No. It has to have a conduit to work. It has to be in the hands of a person asking questions of the ghosts. When you do that, you calibrate your energies and prepare the equipment for a peek through the Stargate and into the spirit world.

Equipment is great, but the emotional connection is indescribable. Your body is like a key trying to unlock a spiritual door. We’re constantly opening ourselves up while we’re using the equipment. Our results with the SB7 spirit box and every other piece of equipment we use are different because
we
are different from everybody else. When we go into a location together, Nick, Aaron, and I are like our own highly sophisticated piece of paranormal equipment.

I think our bodies are completely different from other investigators’ bodies because we’ve spent years learning how to use them to detect spiritual energy and open doorways. We swim in the spiritual ocean while everyone else is snorkeling. I’ve never seen another paranormal show participate in a ritual. That’s okay. Again, I’m not trying to speak ill of any other crew, but I don’t think they’re using all the tools in the toolbox to achieve their goals. We want to open ourselves up and open up those portals to make contact. Witchcraft, voodoo, paganism, cults…it’s all good.

Is it dangerous? Absolutely. It’s not an invitation to a birthday party; you never know what will come through once you open that door. We’ve had an evil creature growl at us from an altar in England after steam manifested from our mouths as a result of a 30-degree temperature drop, which made the witch conducting the ritual so afraid that she stopped the ceremony—something she’d never done in decades of conducting rituals. During a voodoo ritual, we captured a digital still photo of the most amazing phantom face in a trinity flame. “Bridget Bishop” (the first person executed for witchcraft during the Salem witch trials of 1692) gave us her first and last name during a ritual with a warlock and witch—eliciting one of the most priceless reactions by a third party in the history of our investigations.

It’s risky, but if I feel that these spirits and rituals will do me harm, or if I have any indication that they’re going to permanently damage my body or soul, will I stop? Yes. I have things that I want to do in this life. I’ve been through hell, I truly have. At one point I had nothing. I was totally lost because I couldn’t do a 9-to-5 job. It was meaningless to me. I wasn’t contributing to a bigger part of life, and I knew that there was something more inside me. I love what I do now more than anything else I can imagine.

Is it necessary to participate in rituals to try to find the secrets of the spirit world? I think it is. If you’re not willing to face the danger to see what kind of responses you get, then you’re not as serious as we are. These rituals have made us different people, but that’s our choice. You have to have the passion to go further in this field. We’re willing to take the risk, and that’s what makes us different, but it has consequences.

As I grow older, I pay more attention to the effects of exposing myself to demons, evil spirits, and the most haunted locations around the world. Overdosing on energy while opening myself up to it and calling upon it, I see myself changing. I mean, who in his right mind would buy a Demon House while trying to heal mentally, physically, and spiritually from all the rituals, possessions, encounters, lockdown hangovers, and all the other stuff I’ve been through? Why buy a house that’s said to be haunted by 200 demons that three different police officers and clergymen are scared of? Why not? It’s like I’m trying to overdose on ghosts. I’m an addict.

Your average person won’t go into a place full of negative energy for fear of attacks, attachments, channeling, possessions, or whatever, but I can’t stop exploring them. I understand that my health is at risk. I understand that I’m being affected. I’m dealing with physical issues because of it. I’m dealing with mental issues because of it. I’m dealing with spiritual issues because of it. Yet I’m totally addicted to this field. I want that next big experience no matter what the cost.

Maybe that’s why I’m bored with the material world. Everything is just stuff to me. Cars, houses, clubs, gambling…that’s all it is here in Vegas. To me, a lot of this stuff is cool, but it’s boring, too. I enjoy creating good memories with my family and friends. That’s the part of life I like the most.

Most people have a preconceived notion of what life is and what is expected of them, but after seeing all the things I’ve seen and knowing what lies beyond this life, my attitude has changed. I’m not a slave to a schedule or to other people’s expectations. People are so programmed by society, the tabloids, the Internet, and the like that they take the wrong things as truth and let themselves be puppets. They let the media tell them who’s important until they find themselves worshipping the Kardashians and Bieber or whoever’s in the press this week. The Lords of Fame drive the herds of sheep. Every day you hear about their lives and who they’re marrying or what they’re drinking and…who the hell are they? What are they famous for? Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian…what have they even done in life? Why are we supposed to obsess over these people? Why does the media force-feed us this bullshit instead of praising more worthy and talented people, like war heroes? Why do they treat untalented people like royalty? They have no backstory of overcoming adversity or accomplishing great things, yet they’re hounded by the paparazzi and thrown in our faces every day.

I’m ranting, but I want to look beyond the greed, hate, and negativity. I want to believe that there’s a world without the deadly sins. Society is judgmental, and there are times when I don’t want to be a part of it. I feel like I’ve been thrown into a river, and I just want to swim to the shore and get out. I stare back at the water and watch everyone go by yelling, “Jump in,” but I don’t want to. I want to stay on the shore and figure out what’s hiding in the bushes. I’m not saying I want to die, but I do want to peer into the jungle and discover what’s out there while everyone else floats by on inner tubes, blissfully unaware that they too will end up on the shore someday. We all do. Some of us will be more prepared than the rest.

When you venture off into uncharted areas, what will people do? They’ll tell you, “No. You have to join us. You have to be part of society.” Life moves fast, and I chose this field, so I can see what lies beyond it when it’s done with me. Overexposure to the spirit world has made my thoughts deeper and clearer and my emotions much greater than I ever expected them to be.

TAKE MY HAND AND I’LL SHOW YOU.