I am HER... (24 page)

 
When he gets to my feet again, I'm in heaven.  I feel his touch everywhere.  My whole body seems to react to his rub, knead, and touch.  This is
awesome
.
  "Can I keep you on retainer for
this
?"  I ask with a grin.
  Laughing at me, "No.  Foot massages are on the house.  As is my voice for you.  Now, be quiet and enjoy it while it lasts..."
  "Okay..."  And quieting, I feel all soft and floaty.  I
love
this...

                               
  ==========

 
"What happened earlier, Sweetheart?  When I found you in the shower?"
  "When you found me in the shower...?"  What is he talking about?
  "Yes.  Do you remember when I found you?"
  "I wasn't in the shower..." 
Was I?
   
Oh. My. God
.  I was!

 
Jumping up, I cover myself better and yell, "I forgot!  I forgot you saw me naked!  Oh my god.  I'm so sorry!  Oh!  Who was the other guy?"  Looking around frantically, it's like I expect the other man to be in the closet or something.  Shit!  I can't breathe.
  "Stop!  Take a deep breath right now.  Don't do this. 
Please..."
he sounds like he actually cares.
  "I-I'm sorry.  I'm try-ing to breathe."  My breathing calms slightly at his request.
  "What happened?  You seemed
well
earlier, I'd say even happy.  You seemed to have calmed down some from all your upset this week.  You seemed okay with our time together. But when I found you, you were so...
lost.
  What was it?  I need you to tell me.  What were you thinking about?  Did I push you too hard?"
  "Who was the other man?"  I'm desperate.  How many people have seen me naked?
  "Stop deflecting.  He was no one- just the hotel manager.  He helped me into the room, when I said there may be a problem, and that I had forgotten my key-card.  He is irrelevant.  But the
why
of your upset and confusion is not.  Please, trust me enough to tell me.  What were you thinking about?"  
  Do I tell him the truth? What the hell do I say?  I can’t even think clearly about all the reasons.  What do I confess to this lovely man?  Dammit, the silence is dragging but Z is just patiently waiting for me to speak.
  "I was thinking about many things actually.  I was thinking about my engagement and marriage.  I was thinking about all the disappointments in my life.  I was thinking about all the times
I
was a disappointment in my life.  I was thinking about how I will disappoint you, and when and how you will walk away from me... Not that I blame you!  I'm not trying to guilt you or anything.  You want the truth, and that's it, basically…

 
“…I don't know why I stopped functioning, and I don't know why I flipped out in the shower.  I don't know why I can't remember any of that time either.  I'm so sorry I ever got you involved in any of this stuff.  I'm not right anymore.  I'm not good.  I'm not really in control anymore.  But I used to be, I used to be really good.  I was controlled and well-bred.  Um, now though, I'm just a woman who sits on a shower floor for hours, and let's strange men see her naked."

 
Christ!  I may as well finish.  "I'm not good, Z.  And you really,
really
should leave quickly.  Actually, I WANT you to leave.  Please.  I'm very tired, and I would like to sleep now.  Could you please just go?  If you want I'll call you later, or tomorrow or sometime.  Please... Please just leave now. I'm really tired and embarrassed and I just want to sleep for a while. 
Please?
" 
Jeez...
That was a mouthful, but I still feel terrible inside.
  "No.  I'm not leaving, and you're not resting.  I think that's part of the problem.  Every time you start to think about your life, you close down and sleep.  I want you awake.  I want you to talk to me about all your 'stuff' as you call it.  I told you I'm not leaving, and I meant it.  You can fight me if you would like, but the end result will still be the same- I'm not leaving, Sweetheart."
  "Are you STUPID or something?!" 
What?!
  Did I just say that?  How rude!  "I'm sorry."

 
"No.  I'm not stupid, and that was fairly rude.  But I think I'll forgive you again, for momentary fits of rudeness under the circumstances."  Is he smiling at me? 
Smiling?
  "What would you like to eat?  I doubt we’re going out for dinner, so I'll just order in." 

 
Food?
  As if I could eat right now.  I’m all weird and kind of confused still and my head is spinning and my back is killing me, and…

 
"I'm not really hungry.  I'm tired, Z.  Please...”
  "Either you choose, or I do.  What would you like for dinner?  Something conservative, like a nice pasta?  Something greasy, like a yummy cheeseburger?  Or something healthy and
boring,
I might add, like a tragic salad?  Personally, I'm opting for the greasy cheeseburger, with fries." 
Seriously?
  A greasy cheeseburger?  Z so doesn't look like the greasy cheeseburger type.
  "Okay.  A cheeseburger, with fries."  Damn.  Now he knows why I have a big butt and thighs.
  After calling in our order, Z asks, "Would you like to get dressed?  I could slip into the washroom to give you some privacy."
  "Yes, please.  I hate feeling like this."   Exposed!  Almost naked!  Slutty!
  "No problem."
  And turning, Z leaves me to scramble for the dresser drawers.  Ow!  My back
kills
when I move.  Pulling out black yoga pants and a black cami, with,
naturally
, a little black cardigan to cover up my butt, I finally relax...
a little
. 

 
Pulling on my clothes, the pain in my back is still shocking.  I am actually SHOCKED by the intensity of the physical pain.
  "Are you dressed?" He asks through the door.
  "Yes.  You can come out now."  And as Z exits the washroom he takes in my outfit from head to toe with a grin.
  "Very cute, Sweetheart.  You look very petite without your heels.  And I love your hair piled on top of your head like that.  Your hair just begs to be wrapped around a fist.  You're quite the little sex-kitten, aren't you?"  
  "
What?
No.  Of course not!  I don't do sex, and I'm certainly not the sex-kitten type." There! 
  "We'll see...” he murmurs.

                              
     ==========

  Waiting for the food, I decide to check my messages.  Turning from Z, I’m shocked to see 14 missed calls.  Wow.  My parents-ick, Marcus-prick, Kayla-bitch
,
and Z.  Wow.  Z called 6 times between 5 and 6 o'clock. 
Jeez...
 Obsess much?
  "There are many calls from me there.  I became a little frantic when you wouldn't answer your door, but I could see your car was still in the lot."  That's nice
and
strange.
  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear the phone."
  "No worries.  Everything worked out fine.  I'm glad I found you when I did though. Otherwise, you may have eventually drowned in the shower."

 
I think he's joking, until I look over and
I’
m absolutely stunned by his expression.  Z looks so sad, and kind of lost himself.

 
"I really am sorry.  I wasn't trying to hurt myself or anything.  I would have answered, but I didn't know my phone was ringing."

 
This is awful.  I feel like such a loser right now.  And Z looks like I frightened him or something.  What an ass I am
.
  "I hope you weren't trying to hurt yourself,
or anything
.  But honestly, Sweetheart, if you ever find yourself feeling like you DO want to hurt yourself, please...
please
promise me you’ll call me so I can help you.  I don't like this feeling, and I really don't like the thought of anything bad happening to you.  Promise me, okay?"
  "I'm not like that, Z.  I don't do drama like that."
  "Promise me!  I want you to promise that you will call me if you ever feel confused, or like you want to hurt yourself, or like you just want to sleep for a long time.  Say it.  Promise me!"  He looks awful
and
mad at me.
  "I promise.  Please don't be mad at me.  I didn't mean to do anything wrong.  I'm really sorry."  Whispering my words, my throat chokes up, and I feel like crying.

 
He’s like this super sexy,
nice
man, and I’ve upset and frightened him.  I feel really bad about it, though I didn’t do it on purpose.
  "Come here, Sweetheart."  And when I can't move for my sadness, Z demands... "Now.  Come here, now." 
Wow.
  Dominant much? 
Jeez…
  Slowly walking to him, Z pulls me onto his lap, and hugs me.  He actually
hugs
me.  I don't think I’ve ever been hugged like this in my life.  Actually, I don't think I've ever
been
hugged in my life. This is so soothing I barely even feel my back right now.  Z smells wonderful, and he’s so warm.  Actually, I’m overcome with his feeling of...
warmth.
  I want to soak up his warmth, and I want to cry.
  "Cry, love.  Cry for your sadness, and cry for the fear I felt today. Please, just cry, so you can free us
both
of all this sadness today." 
  Oh
god,
I never had a chance.  Snuggling closer, I just let go.  My tears fall, and my breath hitches, and my heart hurts.  I feel good in Z's arms but my heart is still aching.  Why is that?

 
He is so nice and kind to me.  Yet, I can't trust his motives at all.  What
are
his motives?  What’s he going to gain from all this?  I can't stop my tears.  I don't understand any of this.
  Still sobbing, I finally tell him in a whisper, "I don't trust you.  I'm s-sorry, but I don't know what your motive is.  What is it?  Please, Z.  Please, tell me your motivation for being here, so I can understand what's happening.  I can't handle any more surprises.  I can't handle any more p-pain.  And I can't stand anymore weakness.  Please, tell me what you want from me.  Why are you here?  Why are you doing this to me?"

 
I sound so pathetic that I should be embarrassed by my words, but I just can't feel embarrassment right now.  I feel only sadness and confusion in Z's arms.
  "
Oh, Sweetheart
... You won't believe me anyway.  You won't trust me even if I tell you I have no ulterior motives but to help you.  So, I'll just try to show you.  That's all I can do.  You won't believe me if I tell you, so I'll show you over time."   And after his words we continue to hug in silence.
  When there’s a knock on the door minutes later, Z gently lifts me off his lap, wiping my tears away with his thumbs as he sits me on the bed.

 
Walking to the door, he opens it, speaks quietly, and pulls our dinner into the room.  Turning and smiling at me, “Here we go…greasy cheeseburgers and fries.  This meal can cheer anyone up- even you.  Come on, let's eat."

 
“Okay,” I grin.
  Fifteen minutes later, I'm totally embarrassed that I’ve nearly eaten all my food, but Z keeps insisting I finish it and it’s just so good, I can’t stop.

 
It’s exactly what I need.  We even talk a little about work.  Z does a great impression of Mr. Sam Shields, ‘
of the Texas Shields’
.  Laughing, I finally finish all of my food.  God, I'm full, and really tired.

                            
        ==========

  Looking over at the little bedside clock, its 8:34 and way too early to be this tired.  Yet, I am absolutely drained.  I wish Z would leave... Not because I don't want his company, but because I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for hours,
alone.
  "I see how tired you've become, and I won't prevent you from sleeping, but there are two things I must tell you first."  Oh shit, here it is.

  B
racing myself, I wrap my arms around my ribs, but Z pulls my arms away from my body and tugs me over to the bed again.  Sitting beside me, he looks like he’s struggling to speak.
  "Go ahead and just say it.  It’s okay, Z.  You've been very kind to me."
  "I'm not going anywhere, Sweetheart-
I’
ve told you that countless times.  I'm just looking for proper phrasing so you don't go all
'panic-attack'
on me."  
What?!
  And then he grins at me. 
Seriously?
  He's grinning after a statement like that?
  "Okay- like a band-aid.  First, I'm not leaving you tonight.  That doesn't mean I expect sex or anything else from you... It just means I’m not leaving here, whether I sleep on the floor, the couch, or beside you in bed.
 
Second, you have the next week off work.  Wait!"
  "
WHAT?!” 
I scream.
  “
What does that mean?  What did you do?!"  Christ, I feel frantic or something!
  "I spoke with Shields, told him you had some personal time needed,
which you do
, and for which you actually have an abundance of, and he agreed to a week’s vacation."
  "How could you
DO THIS
TO ME?!  I don't want to stay here!  I want to go to work!  I
NEED
to go to work!  If I lose my job because I'm all drama-queen, I’ll have nothing...
NOTHING!
"