I am HER... (27 page)

 
I try grabbing for my clothes because I feel so horrendous suddenly.  I think I’m going to die here.  Right now.  This is awful, but Z holds my hands against my pants and doesn't let me dress.
  "When was the last time he made you bleed?"  Shit… this week.
  "A few days ago," I confess.
  "
Really?
  Does it still hurt when you have sex with him?"  God, he sounds so mad.
  "Yes.  But it’s my fault.  I wasn't really ready.  I'm never really... ah... ready
down there
.  So when he decides to do it to me, I just try to grab some lubricant quickly.  I don't really feel anything, I just kind of wait for him to finish." 
  "When he decides?  And when do
YOU
decide?"  Ah, never?
  "I'm his wife, Z.  It's fine. I'm supposed to have sex with him.  It's not like he's a stranger or anything.  It's fine.  I don't even really feel anything anymore.  I bleed sometimes but I barely feel it!  Could you just stop now?  Please?  This isn't what I wanted, and I'm kind of tired now, so could you just stop this?  Please?"
  "No.  I want to understand what's happened to you."
  "Nothing happened to me!  Please!  Just stop it
!
”
 
"Much has happened to you.  Your body has been ravaged by your husband, and you are NOT fine.  This is fucking brutal, and I'm so fucking angry right now, I could kill him."
  "Please, let's just have sex, okay.  If you still want to. I mean, I know I'm kind of gross down there, but it still works.  You could do it.  It's okay.  Do you want to? 
Please..."
 
Oh. My. God
.  I'm begging him to have sex with me.  What a
LOSER!
  "
Sweetheart..."
  "This is so embarrassing.  Just do it.  Do
whatever
.  Please!  I can't take it anymore!  I want you to just do it to me!  God Z,
please!
"  I know I sound hysterical, but I can't help it.
  "Are you ready, love?  Is your body ready for sex?"
  "Yes.  I'm fine.  Just do it to me."
  "You're fine? You want me to just do it to you? 
Now?
"
  "Yes.  Now!  Please.  Stop being like this.  I hate it.  I
want
to be good for you,
okay
?  Just have sex with me now. 
Please
!"  Pause.
  "No.  It is NOT okay.  And I am NOT going to
DO
anything to you.”

  I finally beg someone for sex, and he says no.  SHIT!  I SNAP!

 
Throwing myself from the bed, I land on my knees, forgetting about my back until the agony rips through me.  OH MY
GOD!
  A quick gasp and a scream while reaching for my own spine, I am absolutely STUNNED by the pain.  As I scream, Z joins me on the floor, while I struggle to breathe.

 
Wrapping his arms around me gently, he yells, "What is it?!"
  "My BACK...my body... I'm in
AGONY!!
"

 
"Okay, Sweetheart.  Push your weight forward into my arms, and I'll help you stand." 
Oh GOD! 
"That's it.  Slow and easy.  There.  Let me just get you back into the bed."
  Placing me gently on the bed, Z rolls over my body, and tucks me into his side. God, he is so warm.  I love his warmth.   Z starts pulling the blanket up and over my naked body, and it's then that I realize I'm shivering.  Ow.  Shivering
really
hurts my back.
  "It's just shock, Sweetheart.  The shivering will pass soon enough.  I'm going to get you a drink of water.  Don't move.  Do you want anything for the pain?"

 
“No.  I just want to sleep Z.”
  When he returns, tilting the glass to my lips, I realize how thirsty I am.  I can't stop taking great pulls and gulps of water, but Z takes the glass from me too quickly. 
Dammit.
  "I'm so tired, Z.  I’m very, very tired.  Can I just go to sleep now?  Please?"
  "Yes.  Go to sleep, love.  I'll be here with you tonight.  Rest easy."
 
Tonight
.  Not always or forever, but
tonight
.  At least there are no false promises or lying claims for more than just this.  Turning slowly to my other side, I see the clock reads 4:12am.  Wow.  Well, at least Z will be here this morning too.
  "Good night, Z.  I'm glad you're here
tonight
." Did he hear my inflection? 
  "Yes, I’m glad I was here
tonight
as well.  Sleep, Sweetheart."  I guess he heard it.
  Snuggling closer to me, Z wraps his arm around my hip, and tucks the blanket tighter under my chin.  I am so warm.  I feel calm, and safe.  The pain is receding from an agony to just a continuous ache even as I settle in for sleep.  I am so tired suddenly.

 
Good night, Z

 
                                    CHAPTER 14 
  When I wake from my dreamless sleep, I feel almost ‘happy’.  Z is lying beside me, and he is so warm and snuggly, I don't want to move.  God, I can't help but stare at his face.  He is so handsome, even with his eyes closed.  He has awesome cheekbones and full lips. H
e’
s like a male-model or something.  What the
hell
is he doing here?
  Its 8:22am, so rising slowly, I grab my clothes and head for the bathroom.  Once there; I pee, brush my nasty teeth, and start the shower.  Showering seems like a good idea.  Hopefully this one will be quick.

  W
ashing my body with my vanilla-jasmine body wash, fills me with even more happiness.  I love this scent.  There is nothing dirty about it.  There is nothing to make me gag.
  Looking out the
very
transparent shower curtain, I notice Z leaning against the sink. 
Argh! 
Scrambling to cover up my body, I almost scream, "What are you doing here?"
  "Just watching.  I wanted to make sure you were okay."
  "I'm f-fine.  Do you have to look at me though?"
  "Yes.  I love to look at your body.  Does it really bother you that much?"  He asks with a grin.
  "Well,
yes.
  I don't really like naked, Z."

 
"May I join you, if I promise to keep my eyes closed?
Pretty please
...?"  Oh, how adorable.
  "Um, okay.  If you promise to keep your eyes closed."  Am I smiling?
  Watching Z remove his pants is...
sexy.
  That's it; it’s totally SEXY.  Turning from me, he begins brushing his teeth in the sink.  Holy shit!  Look at his butt.  It's perfect.  It's just so, so,
yummy
or something.  I don't know.  But wow!  I can't stop staring at it.
  "Do you like my ass, Sweetheart?  You're smiling..." 
What?
  Shit!  He's watching me through the mirror watching him through the curtain. 
Dammit.
  "Um, yes.  You have a nice body."  There.  Semi-detached.
  "Thank you, so do you."  Uh huh.

 
Z turns and walks toward the shower, well actually, more like he slowly stalks toward the shower.  Opening the curtain, he brushes against my back with his chest. 
This
is sexy, I think.  Is he actually going to keep his eyes closed?
  "Your back looks terrible, Sweetheart.  I hate to see that bruise."  I guess not.
  "You're supposed to have your eyes closed."

 
Z leans forward, against my back again and whispers, "I know, but I don't want to.  Is that okay with you?"  NO!  Yes? 
Shit.
  "I guess so..." 
Idiot.
  "Step forward a little, and I'll wash your back for you.  I'm very disappointed that you already cleansed your front... but your backside is quite nice as well."  My back
side
? Or my
backside?  Which one?!
  Moving forward a step, Z reaches around my waist and grabs my body wash.  Sudsing up my bath scrunchie, Z begins to wash me very gently.  I still feel my back burning, but I know he’s being extra careful.
  "Exhale, love.  I'm just going to move down your back a little."  To my
backside?
  "Ummm..." but then he's washing me, and it feels so good.  It's like his massage,
almost.
  Suddenly dropping to his knees, Z continues down my thighs, all the way to my feet.  Oh, this is good.  Shit, did I just moan out loud?
  "Moaning?  I like that sound from you."  Yup. I did.
  "Ah... would you like me to wash you now?"
  "With this delightful vanilla-jasmine scent?  I don't know... it's not very
manly
."
  "I'm sure your delicate male ego can handle it,"  I grin over my shoulder.
  "Okay.  But go easy on me..."  Yeah right.
  I want to touch him so badly right now.  Wow.  Did I just think that?  Taking the scrunchie and body wash from him; I work up a good lather.  Okay, in theory, this was easy, but now I have to turn toward him.  I have to look at his naked body.  I have to touch his naked body.  Why did I offer to do this?  What the
HELL
was I thinking?
  "Turn around, Sweetheart.  I'm just standing here. I won't touch you at all."  Not at all? 
  "I'm fine." 
  Holy shit... It's big. 
Oh god
.  What did I do?  WHAT
DO
I DO?  I don't know what to do.  Touch him.  Cleanse him.  How?  I can't breathe. 
  Moving slowly, Z lifts my chin and whispers, "Breathe, Sweetheart.  It's just my body, and I'm not going to touch you. 
You
however can touch me however you want.  Okay?"
  "Sorry... You're just big, like
everywhere
, and kind of scary like this.  And you have so much body, and I'm not sure where to touch and... How tall are you anyway?" 
Christ!
I'm babbling again.
  Smiling, Z says, "I'm 6'3.  Not too tall, not too short.  Does my height bother you?" 
  "Yes.  Ah, I mean...
well,
yes.  You're a whole foot taller than me.  So yes, your height
intimidates
me a little.  Well, a lot, actually.  God, I can't stop babbling."
  "I think it's endearing.  Just relax.  Wash me or don't.  I'm not going to move, I promise." And then he closes his eyes and exhales.
  Okay.  Touch him.  You have a scrunchie.  It's not like your hands are touching him.  Just do it!

 
Slowly, my arm lifts, and I feel myself circling Z's shoulders and neck.  This isn't so bad.  He's not moving, just like he promised.  Moving down his chest, I'm shocked by the sheer size of him.  He's not largely muscular, but he's got that whole 'lean and toned' thing going for him.  He feels nice.  His chest is very nice.  I actually like the feel of his chest muscles.  Wow.  He seems strong like this.
  Moving down to his stomach, I find I'm stunned by his erection.  It’s just so
there.
  I can't stop staring at it.  It's bigger than Marcus', so it'll hurt more, and it's a bit darker than Marcus' as well.  Suddenly, I want to touch it.  I'm just so curious what it feels like.
  "Can I touch you,
there?
"  What. The.
HELL?
  Did I just ask that?
  "
Please..."
   Holy shit.  His voice sounds so sexy right now.
  "I don't really know how." 
  "Touch however you want; I doubt you'll hurt me."  He says with a grin.  So, grabbing his erection, Z abruptly steps back a foot, and groans.
  "Ah, maybe you
will
hurt me.  A little softer, Sweetheart.  I
AM
attached to it."  Oh.  Ooops.

 
I burst out laughing. 
Oh my GOD!
  I'm laughing and still holding it in my hands.
  "I'm sorry..." but I'm still kind of laughing and still
holding it
.  LET GO!
  "A Sadist, huh?  I never would have thought it of you."  More laughter.
  "No, of course not.  I just didn't know how hard to touch it.  Marcus uses his as a brutal weapon, so I thought I had to touch you hard, too..."  Still laughing, I notice Z is very still and his face looks all tight or something.  
  "What?  I'm sorry!  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I knew I shouldn't have touched you, I knew I would be bad at it..."

 
Get out of the shower!  Turning from him, I try to leave the shower, but Z grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me close to his chest, essentially folding his erection up my back.
  "You did nothing wrong.  Nothing at all.  I'm not mad at you.  I just hate knowing what your sexual experience is like.  I wish I could erase all that for you.  To be honest, I fucking hate your husband."  Oh.
  "Ah, Z, can we please not go there again?  I really shouldn't have said anything, and I really don't want to talk about it again.  Okay?  Please."