I am HER... (59 page)

 
Seeing Kayla, I'm so excited.  She's going to appreciate my new clothes. She’s going to love ripping open my bags, upending them on my bed, rummaging through them, 'oohing and aahing' as required.

 
Pulling me into a hug, Kayla turns and very
seriously
extends her hand and says
way
to sternly, "Good afternoon Dr. MacDonald.  I do hope you had a pleasant day shopping with Suzanne."

 
"Why yes, Kayla.  Shopping in a mall for
5 hours
, debating the exact same clothing in 9 different stores is a secret love of mine... Thank you for asking."

 
"As I suspected Dr. MacDonald."
  Oh, come on!  They are too funny, and silly and actually kinda stupid right now.  God, just kiss her or something.  Unlocking and opening my door, I shove Kayla inside, and turn to Mack as he walks in.

 
"Kiss her!  Right now, Mack!  Give Kayla a kiss.  I won't look. I promise." Both stare at me like I'm insane (again).  But I don't care as I turn my back, tap my foot on the ground, rather dramatically, and hum the Jeopardy theme.

 
"Suzanne.  He kissed me.  You can turn around now."

 
Turning to them, Kayla's lipstick is a little messy, Mack's wiping his mouth casually, and Kayla and Mack are both blushing.  Ha!  That was fun.  I love, love,
love
making other people blush.
  "Okay, good.  Though I must say, that was
highly inappropriate and unprofessional
Dr. MacDonald.  Now, could you please leave Kayla and I alone for maybe a half hour so she and I can go through all my new clothes.  Its kind of a 'Chick-thing', from what I've recently been told."

 
"Of course.  I'll just run back to my car and read the instructions to all my new guy things.  Call my cell when I can return.  We have some Grey's Anatomy to watch."

 
"Thanks, Mack," I say hugging him.

 
"
'Highly inappropriate and unprofessional'
huh?  You are
so
busted for that later, Suzanne."  Mack whispers as he kisses my cheek and leaves grinning.

 
"Kayla.  I'll talk to you later."

 
"I look forward to it, Dr. MacDonald."  Kayla salutes him.  A
salute?

 
Mack actually paused, gaping at her for a second, before laughing as he walked out the door.

  Okay.  Done.  Man gone.  Girl time.  I gotta get the goods from Kayla about last night.

 
Walking to my bed, Kayla upends all my bags, just as I knew she would. Lying out all the clothes by type, she makes neat little piles while still not looking at me.  Blouses, skirts, pants, and even a few sweaters are neatly piled on top of each other.  Holding my fabulous new pair of heels, Kayla finally turns to me with the biggest smile I've seen from her yet.  Wow. She looks amazing.

 
"He was AWESOME!  Honest to god!  He was
incredible
in bed.  I didn't know how good he would be.  Actually, I kinda thought I would be better, and I’d have to, like, teach him some moves, or something, but NOTHING!  He did everything, just,
awesome!
 Holy
shit
, Suzanne!  He's like a
Sex-God
, or something!"

 
"Wow.  
Really?"
 
Mack?

 
"I'm not kidding you.  I think I thought because he's a doctor, or maybe because he doesn't act like a sexual Dynamo, or like a player or something, that he'd be just
okay,
or something. I thought he was probably just a standard kind of 'missionary man', but
missionary… HE
WAS
NOT!
"

 
"Wow.  
Really?
"  
Jeez...
Can I speak?

 
"Really.  He was
AWESOME
!  Mack is like, all
skilled
or something.  He was totally all about me, and
my
pleasure... and he didn't even ask me, or talk about it, or like have to fumble around to see what turned me on, he just
knew
.  He was incredible, right from the first kiss to my last orgasm."

 
"Wow.  
REALLY?!"
 Oh, come
on!  
Say
anything
else!

 
"Suzanne, is this okay?  You seem to be a little weirded out or something.  If this is too much...?"

 
"No.  I'm fine.  Honestly.  It's just… I kinda thought the same way- NOT that I really ever think about Mack and sex, but when I do… I mean, I thought Mack would be really kind and gentle in bed, maybe very slow and romantic, but I didn't really think of him as the
Sexual Dynamo
type. That's all."

 
"I know.  It was a total shock to me, too.  
Believe me.
 But Mack was just so
good
in bed.  I didn't want him to leave.  I knew he had to, and it's a little early for overnighters, but I really,
really
wanted him to stay with me.  But he says he's staying all night Tuesday, and I can't wait!"

 
"Good.  I'm glad.  Mack was fairly smitten this morning as well.  I think he really likes you too.  He didn't kiss and tell like you are, but he didn't really have to.  He was extra smiley this morning."

 
"So was I!  My god!  What that man can do with his hands and mouth was incredible..."  
blush
"... Mack definitely has the moves and experience of a
real
man.  Like a man who gets off on the woman's pleasure or something. He was so thorough and attentive, and sexy as hell.  He’s like a
Lover,
something you read about but think doesn’t really exist outside of a novel."  And another blush for me.

 
“‘A
novel lover’
?  Wow!  I hadn’t thought Mack could be like
that.”

 
A novel-lover?
  I had a novel-lover once.  I knew a novel-lover.  I remember feeling my novel-lover touch me.  I remember my novel-lover.  I still feel him sometimes.  Where is he now?

 
"Suzanne?  
Suzanne,
are you okay?  Fuck!  I'm sorry. Suzanne, why are you crying?  
Shit.
 I'm going to call Mack, okay?"

 
I have no words.  I have only my silence.  I think I'm frozen.  I'm not having a panic-attack.  My breathing is fine.  I can
feel
everything in my body.  I know I'm here, but I just can’t move. Nothing is moving...

 
I'm stuck.

  "Suzanne?  Can you talk to me?  Suzanne?”

 
“Hi, Mack.”  Finally,
words.

 
“Suzanne, are you here with me?”

 
“Yes.  She’s here.”

 
“Suzanne.  Are
you
here with me?”

 
“No.  Not really… I’m
stuck
Mack.” 
What?!

  What the hell is happening?  What does that mean?  What the hell is
stuck
?  I don’t know how to stop this. 
What’s happening to me?

 
“Suzanne?  It’s Kayla.  Can you hear me?  Can you talk to me?”

 
“No.  I just really want to sleep for a little while, okay?  Please, Kayla?”

 
“Suzanne.  Mack would really like to talk to you a bit.  Can you talk to Mack for me?  I really need you to talk to Mack.  Please?”  Kayla sounds all hysterical or something.

 
“Suzanne.  I need you to talk to me before you sleep.  You know that’s
our
rule.  Talk to me first, sleep second.  That’s what we do, and I really would like you to follow our rules, okay?”

 
“Mack, can I please be alone?”

 
“No, Suzanne.  I would like to sit here with you for awhile.  Maybe I‘ll just watch Grey’s Anatomy while I wait for you.”

 
“Mack…
I’m stuck,”
I whisper.

 
“How are you
stuck
, Suzanne?”

 
“Um…”

 
I don’t know.  What is this?  I was fine.  My brain is working.  Everything is working just fine.  Why can’t I speak properly?  Why can’t I say what I mean?  Why do I feel like this?  I really,
really
don’t know what’s happening to me this time.

 
“Suzanne, I’m going to talk with Kayla about what you and she were discussing.  I’m going to try to understand the trigger for you.  I need you to listen to Kayla and me.  I’m watching you and I’m right here.  Nothing will hurt you, and no one will touch you.  I am right here beside you.  Can you feel me holding your hand?”  Oh.  He
is?

 
“No.  I can’t feel you.  Sorry Mack.”

 
“Do you feel me rubbing your palm with my hands?”  Oh,
there it is.

 
“Yes, I feel you now.  Thank you, Mack.” 
Christ,
I sound like a robot or something.  Why can’t I speak properly anymore?

 
“Kayla.  What were you discussing with Suzanne when you noticed her retreat?”

 
“Shit,
Suzanne.
  I’m gonna
kill you
for this!”

 
“Kayla!  No threats, please.”

 
“I’m just joking, and I
know
Suzanne knows I’m just joking.”

 
“Kayla.  What were you talking about, specifically, when you finally noticed Suzanne’s retreat?  Exact words, please.”

 
I can’t even see where Kayla is standing.  I think she’s beside me, but I can’t really see anything.  It’s kind of like a tunnel or something I’m looking through.

 
“
Specifically
, I had just told Suzanne about having sex with you.  I told her how much I enjoyed myself, and I told her you were very good at sex.”

 
“Okay.  What did you say specifically about the sex?”

 
“Nothing about the actual sex.  I said you were really good, attentive, you knew what you were doing, and how I was
pleasantly
surprised. I called you a ‘Sexual Dynamo’, and that’s it…”

 
Oh, I can’t see her, but I think I felt Kayla’s blush. The room just got really hot suddenly.

 
“Suzanne?  Are you still with me?  Can you talk to me?”

 
“She’s here.”  She?
  Shit
.  “I mean, I’m here.  I am.  This is Suzanne.  I know its Suzanne.”

 
“Suzanne?  Can you tell me what has you so despondent?”

 
“No, I can’t.  I’m stuck.  I think I just can’t move forward, physically, or mentally, or something.  I’m stuck here now.  There is no back, and no forward.  I don’t know what went wrong Mack.  I can’t really see or feel.  I’m just stuck.”

 
“Suzanne, move your hands for me.  I want you to move your hands and feet.  Right now.”  I’m trying.
“Suzanne?  Move your body, right now.  You are NOT stuck.  Physically, you are okay.  You are fine.  Move your body.  Now, Suzanne.”

 
Move body,
Move….
There.  My hands and feet are moving.  I’m fine.  I am NOT stuck.  I
can
get out of here.

 
“Oh
god
Mack, I’m so sorry.  I really am sorry for all this.  I was fine.  I
was
.  Kayla and I were just
normal
.  I don’t know what’s wrong.  I hate this feeling.  I can move, see?  I can.  Please don’t be mad at me…” 
Shit.
Here come more tears. 
Dammit.

 
“Suzanne, listen to me.  I am
not
mad at you.  I’m not mad at all.  I’m here and I’m working with you.  We’re figuring this out, together.  Suzanne, do you need Kayla to leave?  Would that make this easier for you?  We could just talk, you and me.  What would you like?”

 
“I’m sorry Kayla to have embarrassed you.  I’m so sorry for all this.  I wanted
girl talk
- I really did.  I’m not sure what’s happening, but I just can’t really move or something.  I’m so sorry.  I promise you didn’t do anything wrong.  I
wanted
to talk.  I wanted to hear about your night. 
I
wanted you to trust me
.  I’m sorry I failed…”  Here I go.  Honest to god, I am such a LOSER!