I am HER... (57 page)

 
Smiling, Mack asks, "May I?" as he takes the phone from me.  
Shit.

 
"Good morning, Kayla.  No.  No she didn't tell on you.  Suzanne was feeling a little stressed out because she was playing the age-old game of  'tell me without sounding like you're telling me', as we
men
like to call it.  Uh huh.  Yes, that's right.  Yes, she is aware that she sucks at it, but I'm sure with some practice you and she will have the perfectly sneaky, underhanded, often manipulative game down pat. Oh,
I see.
 You would like me to shove my head
where?"

 
What?!
 That's it.  I'm done.  Sitting on my bed, I start howling with laughter.  They are too funny.  I love these two together.  I can't wait for their first fight, it's going to be hilarious to watch.  God, I hope I'm there to see it.
  "Yes, I
very
much enjoyed myself.  I'm glad you enjoyed yourself as well.  I look forward to Tuesday night as well... Yes, all night. Yes.  Okay. See you Tuesday.  Pardon?  Yes, I'll relay the message.  Bye Kayla.”

 
He’s smiling again.  
God,
Mack is just so cute.  "Apparently, though you suck at the game, being as it was your first time, Kayla promises not to kick your ass, and she’s sorry she stressed you out, and she’s going to call you later for 'proper' details, as she put it. Oh, and she said I had better give you
proper
details, so that you can tell her later... behind my back."

 
This is just too funny.  At least I don't throw myself into a panic anymore at the mere thought that I may disappoint someone, or that they may be mad at me. That's growth, for sure.  I can even handle little bouts of stress now without throwing up, or crying myself into dehydration.
  "So?  What should I tell you?  What are you comfortable hearing, do you think?"

 
"I don't know.  It's not about me.  It's not
my
stuff
,
so I think I'll be okay.  What do you
want
to tell me?"

 
"Well, Kayla and I had a lovely meal, followed by only 2 drinks, so sobriety wasn't an issue, and when we were about to leave, Kayla suggested I follow her to her apartment.  Which I did, gladly."  Smirk. "Once there, we talked, listened to music, made out like teenagers on the couch, and then moved to the bedroom.  I'll spare you the specific details, but please relay to Kayla the fact that you were right, she
is
really good in bed."  Annnnd another huge smile from Mack.
  "Okay.  That’s what I’ll tell her.  I'm glad you had a good time, Mack. You should.  You're awesome, and you spend way too much time with me.  I, ah, actually really want you and Kayla to work out because you're both really good people."  Exhale.

 
I’m okay.  I'm good.

 
                                           ==========

 
"Where are you, Suzanne?  What's going on?"

 
"Nothing. I’m nowhere.  This isn't about me, at all.  I'm glad you had a good time last night, honestly."

 
"I know you're happy for me, well,
us
, but there's more."

 
"There isn't.  Last night was about you two.  You even had sex.  Wow.  How long has it been, Mack?"  I smirk at him.
  "You're deflecting.  But to tell the truth, it's been forever.  Thank god, I wasn't
rusty
at it."  He says grinning.

 
"Oh, I'm sure it's like riding a bike or something."

 
"Oh, it's like riding
something
, all right."

 
"Mack!  You dirty bugger.  I'm going to tell Kayla you said that!"

 
"Please do.  Something tells me she would enjoy the analogy." Grinning, I agree with him- Kayla
would
love that sarcasm. 

  Moving from our chairs, I start refolding my t-shirts.

 
"Okay, Suzanne, deflection time is over.  Yes, last night wasn't about you,
at all
, but today IS about you.  This is our time.  You and me time- so talk."

 
"I don't know.  I just feel sad, or lonely, or something.  I can't explain it. I was so happy about playing the game with Kayla, like friends.  And I was also happy for you.  I was bouncing all night, waiting for details, I almost called your cell 500 times.  Oh!
Thank god
I didn't... that would've been embarrassing. Anyway, everything was good.  I wasn't even panicky about Kayla maybe being mad at me, but then I just suddenly felt sad."

 
Breathing a big exhale, I turn to Mack.  Mack waits, like he always does, in case I have a little more to say after these big confessions.  Nope. That's it I think.  I don’t feel anything else wrong right now.

 
"When did the sadness hit you?  At which point?"

 
"Um...after I was laughing.  When Kayla told you to shove your head up your ass, I assume.  I was sitting laughing, and then you got to the sex stuff with her, and that's when the sadness hit."

 
"Very good.  That's probably exactly when it hit.  Sex."

 
"No.  Not like that.  I'm not thinking about all my bad stuff.  I was just thinking about you and Kayla having sex.  That's what makes me sad."

 
"Kayla and I being intimate makes you sad, like in a jealous sort of way? Are you jealous of
us
having sex?  Or are you jealous because
I
had sex with Kayla?"  
What?!  
Oh, I get it.

 
"No, it wasn't the 'you' part.  I'm cool with that.  No worries. I haven't slipped from needing your love and friendship, to needing you like
that.
The ‘you and Kayla’ part I want really badly. And I don't think of you like that, still.  Thank god, ‘cause I'd be a total mess if I did.  It was just maybe the 'make out like teenagers' thing, or just the happy sex thing... I don't know."

 
"Maybe it’s a combination of both, Suzanne.  You have really never had either.  You were never touched appropriately as a teenager, so you didn't live through and enjoy the kind of sexual rite of passage that teenagers experiment with.  And you've never enjoyed sex, or thought it was good, except during a time when your life was falling apart.  You really have no true, real experience with it, therefore when I describe it so comfortably, so
normally
, you really don't know how to process it.  Sex is NOT normal for you."

 
Total silence follows his words. I think Mack is waiting again for me to participate in the conversation.  Shit.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t even know what I feel right now, other than sadness.

 
"I know sex isn’t ‘normal’ for me Mack.  But will it ever be?"  I whisper.

 
"I hope so.  I want that for you.  I want you to have normal experiences, under
normal
circumstances.   But do
you
want that?"

 
"Of course I do…
in theory
.  I just really don't know how to get there."

 
“It'll take time, Suzanne.  It’ll take time and much trust with yourself and with your potential partner.  You’ll know when you're ready, and you'll hopefully know how to ask for what you want from your partner."

 
“I guess so.  Time and trust.  Okay.”

 
"Suzanne, do you know what you want?  Sexually?"

 
"No.  Sex is broken down to the three categories so severely that I don't know how to get one or the other or even which one I want."

 
"The three categories?"

 
"You
know,
Mack.  You're just trying to get me to say them.  I
can
you know.  I
can
say them now."

 
"I'm sure you can.  Would you like to?"  
Dammit.

 
"You're being really 'Dr. MacDonald' right now."

 
"Imagine that."  Shithead!
 Honestly.

 
"You're a real shithead sometimes.  You know that?"

 
"Yes, I do.  Many people seem to tell me that.  Thank god, I'm too much of a shithead to care what others think.  Stop deflecting.  Say them Suzanne."
  "Fine!  Fucking. Sex.  And making love.  There!  The Big Three.  Are you happy?"

 
"Are you?"  
Argh...

 
"No.  Not really, but that's the point, right?  Make me say the things I don't like, so you can make me talk about why I don't like them, and then I can
grow
and learn how to get through the obstacles, right?"

 
"That about sums it up, yes,"  Mack says and waits during this long silence.

  "What are you thinking about, right now?"

 
"Z, actually."  
Dammit.

 
"What about Z, specifically?"

 
"Just the sex, I guess.  It was just sex, I think, though he said
making love
... I don't know that it really was.  I don't know.  I'm confused."

 
"Was it sex or making love for you?"

 
"I don't know.  It was really good- like awesome good.  I remember that. There was no
bad
involved and I even enjoyed myself.  That was the first and only time I have ever enjoyed anything with sex..."

 
"But...?"

 
"But he doesn't love me, so it couldn't have been making love even though he said so.  I remember Z asking me once ‘in general, would you call your marital relations making love, having sex, or just fucking’ and all I could think at the time was ‘Christ!  I don’t know.  It’s not like I was an active participant.’  And even now when I think back on Z’s question, I still don’t know anything about any of the three...

 
“…Well actually, I think I have ‘fucking’ down, because being wretchedly fucked was all that was done to me when I was young.  But I don’t know what Marcus did to me, other than fucking me until I hurt, even though I think he loved me, in his own way. And I have absolutely NO idea what Z did to me, because
I
loved him, I think, but he didn’t love me, and he didn’t hurt me so ‘fucking’ is out, but then we couldn’t have ‘made love’ because he doesn’t love me, so that leaves just sex, but it feels like more than ‘just sex’ I think, at least for me.  So I’m confused… and just
sad.
”

 
Waiting for Mack to respond, I take many slow deep breathes to keep the panic at bay.  I really am getting much better at this.  Controlling the panic is becoming easier and easier by the day.  If only I had known how to control myself a few months ago, maybe I wouldn’t be here now.  Then again, maybe I needed to be here.  Or maybe…

 
“Suzanne, stay with me.  I see you thinking in circles, and struggling with one reality and then the next.  Let’s just try to focus on these questions for the moment, okay?”

 
“I’m trying. I did stop an impending panic-attack Mack, so that’s good, right?”

 
“Absolutely.  You’re doing very well considering the topic.”

 
“Thanks…”  I mumble.

 
“Okay Suzanne, I’m going to speak to you person to person here.  There will be no clinical terms, and Dr. MacDonald has left the building, okay?”  When I nod, Mack continues,  “I want you to try to think of ‘The Big Three’ not in terms of three
types
of sex, but rather as simply sex with three different elements, or even styles, or intensity...

 
“…For example, a typical man can fuck a woman he loves, or cares very little for.  He can also have plain sex with a woman he loves or cares very little for, depending on his mood, or even hers. And a man is absolutely capable of making love with a woman he either cares for, or truly loves.  Making love requires, generally, either strong affection for, or love for, but sometimes can occur without either of those emotional attachments, though that is somewhat rare...

 
“…Sex can happen with any emotion.  A male or female can just have sex for sex’s sake, whether they love, care for, or even like the partner involved.  Now ‘fucking’ is the tricky part, and the one I think you struggle with the most...

 
“...Fucking isn’t necessarily about abuse, though to you it always has been.  For the average person who hasn’t experienced the abusive atrocities that you have, fucking can be just that-
fucking. 
People who fuck are people in a consenting relationship who enjoy fucking, some of the time, or all of the time.  They are not abused because they participate in the enjoyable, wild, often intensely satisfying experience of fucking.  When both partners are feeling highly sexual, fucking can occur, even though they may or may not love or care for each other strongly.  Some couples madly in love even
fuck
from time to time, or even
every
time.  Fucking is generally just a speed and intensity difference from normal sex, and love making...