I am HER... (73 page)

 
Nodding, Mack continues. "Z was the one who set everything in motion. It was Z who searched out and found the 'black school book', as you mentioned to us when you were having your breakdown.  I don’t even know how he did it exactly, there was something about a ‘gratitude luncheon’ for his discretion, hosted by your parents, in your parent’s home.  Again, I don’t know the specifics, but he found it, and turned it in.  It was Z who went to the D.A. in Chicago, and to the police and D.A. in New York.  It was Z who contacted your grandfather and told him our suspicions about your parents and your childhood.  It was Z who found the photos on his father’s computer of you as a child and gave them to the police and the D.A…

 
“…God, Suzanne, it was Z who paid for the security and bodyguards, until your grandfather took over your security.  It was Z who financially, verbally, and in a rather
colorful
way, threatened all the people either directly involved with, or those who only
knew
of the abuse you suffered as a child, forcing them to either come forward to the Police, or to
renounce
those who were involved, publically.  He even went after those who simply knew about the abuse but didn’t participate in it, blaming them for not coming forward at the time.  Some charges have even been laid against
those
individuals as well, based on Z’s insistence with both D.A.’s in Chicago and New York.”

 
Shaking his head, Mack continues.  “Z paid all my attorneys fees in the beginning when I was being sued by Dr. Simmons
and
by your parents, and he paid for my attorneys during the Conflict of Interest trial brought on by the New York Psychiatric Committee, and also for the trial regarding your guardianship brought on by your grandfather as well… Essentially, whatever
I
needed to help
you,
Z provided.  And whatever was needed, financial or otherwise to help
me,
Z provided.  He set up a trust in your name for me to withdraw from for any expenses that might hinder my ability to be there for you
at all times
- whenever you needed me, day or night.  Absolutely everything I could do for you was provided for, at Z’s insistence…

 
“…Once your inheritance was made yours, and your Estate began paying me and Z no longer had to support me financially; he refused to end the trust-fund.  Instead, he kept adding to it, for any and all victims of any abuse brought on by his father, his father’s friends, the Chicago Country Club your parents were members of, and finally for any victims of Dr. Simmons.”
   Exhaling, Mack’s eyes are shining with tears I think.  This is all a little overwhelming and I find my own tears gently spilling from my eyes.  But I’m desperate to keep it together so Mack will continue.

 
“From the moment you were hospitalized, first for the suicide attempt, then the subsequent brain aneurism, to the complete nervous breakdown, it has been Z at every turn...

 
“…Z loves you Suzanne, so much so, that he and I have talked about his love for you often and extensively.  At first I didn't understand it.  Z’s love was too quick and too baseless,
I thought
.  I tried to reason with him that what he had mistaken for love was actually more of an emotional reaction to the intense guilt he felt over your attempted suicide, and over his father’s involvement in hurting you. I thought what he felt was just a simple attraction that had turned into a kind of obsession
because
of all the drama surrounding your time together.  I really didn’t understand it, and I tried to explain away Z’s
‘love’
as a product of intense circumstance.  However, watching and listening to Z, I began to realize, he did in fact love you,
totally and completely
.  Just the fact that he stayed away, because YOU asked him to, though it was killing him- making him so sad and desperate... proved to me how much he loved you.  I saw what he was willing to endure just to give you peace with your decision to push him away.  He wanted to come to you so many times, just to see you again but he always stopped himself. He
always
took a big breath, closed his eyes, and reasoned himself out of doing something
he
wanted to do, because
you
didn't want him to do it.  His strength and resolve was truly amazing to watch…

 
“…My best friend was struggling, and all I could do was listen and let him vent his sadness when he needed to.  It was agony for me to support you one hundred percent in your decision to keep Z away, when all I wanted to do was beg you to stop
pushing
him away.  I wanted so desperately for you to open yourself up to my friend but I couldn’t and
wouldn’t
ever ask that of you, and Z wouldn’t have wanted me to anyway.  Originally, he wouldn't even talk to me at all about you and him, or his own feelings for you, because he wanted
all
my focus to be on you.  But eventually I reassured him that I could be a friend to him without betraying my doctor/patient relationship, and
yes
, my growing friendship with you…

 
“…And that was when he finally talked to me.  He explained the sex you shared and how he is so scared that he caused your suicide attempt.  He told me about the initial intensity of your meeting.  He told me about his sexual dominance, and about the things he did with you.  Z obviously had
no idea
at the time about your past, but he feels such guilt over the way he handled, or rather,
treated you
, that he has made himself sick over it.”

 
Sitting up in my chair, I need to interject, but again, Mack silences me with a gentle head shake
no
.  Sitting back again, I take as many deep breaths as I can.

 
“I did explain to Z that your breakdown was imminent.  I explained that you were already on your way to that breakdown when you two first spoke, but Z is so stuck on the thought that he caused your decline, that I honestly don’t know how to help him anymore.  Z has been scared to death that he pushed you too far, or rather pushed you over the edge, if you will.  Z is ill over the thought that his sexual dominance hurt you.  Though he didn't know about your past at the time, he feels he
should have
known
something was wrong.  I've tried repeatedly to explain the circumstances realistically, but he is just so consumed with guilt that he can't see a reality, other than the one in which he is to blame for your complete breakdown…

 
“…You see, Z is very sexually
experienced
, if you will.  And before you, every one of his sexual partners knew this about him.  Actually, that's what they
liked
about him. You didn't know his sexual nature however, and because he didn't explain himself fully to you before you were intimate the first time at the motel in Chicago, he feels like he harmed you.  He had never had to explain his sexual nature before, and so he didn't with you-not because he didn’t want to and not because he was hiding it from you, but rather because it just never occurred to him to do so.  Now, however, by not telling you properly beforehand about his sexual nature, and not telling you what he had planned for your first encounter, he feels like he essentially lied to you by omission.  He thinks of it as an error which caused you irreparable harm...

 
“
…Slowly, Z explained to me that he actually thought you were just like a typical sexually repressed woman.  He believed that you simply hadn't experienced pleasure through orgasm, therefore, he was going to
push you
into
letting go
of your reserve so that you could in fact enjoy pleasure through orgasm.  Z told me he tied your hands, took your control from you, and essentially forced you to experience pleasure.  And he admitted that to me while shaking with rage at himself, and cursing himself for a horror he believes he did to you because of the past you were forced to endure...
  “…As I told Z multiple times, he
did not,
nor
could he
have known the actual
cause
for your sexual repression at the time, but my arguments have been fruitless.  Z believes strongly that he SHOULD have known that there was more going on with you, and therefore regardless of how I have counseled him, he feels he holds blame, if not entirely, at least
partially
for your ultimate break-down...

 
“…Z and I have had many debates, arguments and all out yelling matches over our differing opinions on the matter, but in the end, I think he is simply consumed with too much guilt that he is unable to rationalize your breakdown apart from any action he may have taken with you…

 
“…Suzanne, Z helps anyone and everyone- he always has.  But with you he feels as though he harmed you instead.  Add the fact that you attempted suicide on
his watch
as he calls it, in
his
own apartment, and he is devastated by what happened.  Z has taken the events with you so personally that I can't seem to reach him anymore.  He is truly devastated by his perceived part in your breakdown.  Z honestly believes that by
forcing you-
by restraining you, in an attempt to make you experience your first orgasm with a partner… with him
specifically
, that he harmed you, and that he harmed his chances with you, forever.”

 
Leaning in closer to me, Mack looks absolutely stricken with something.  There
is
something, but I don’t know this look on Mack’s face.  I can usually tell the difference between Dr. MacDonald from my
friend
Mack, but this look is so strange, and kind of
sad
looking.

 
“Z finally explained the intense emotional connection he felt before, during, and especially
after
you and he were intimate.  He spoke in details, only to adequately express to me just how intense you were with each other.  For Z, you were his first real,
loving
experience.  He had never
made love
with anyone in such a way as he did with you.  Before you, though Z had loved women, and had sex with many, many women, he was always content with where they were and where they each ended up.  But with you, Z wasn't content, so much as
'complete',
was the word he used to describe his feelings after you were together.  What Z actually said was ‘Sex
before
Suzanne was content, sex
with
Suzanne was complete.’ And that’s quite a stunning revelation for a 34 year old man, I might add,"  Mack smirks.
 

 
Stunned?
  Such an inadequate word for where my head is at right now.  Silent and staring at Mack, I can't even speak.  I am just
STUNNED!
  This is the most amazing thing I have ever heard in my life.  The most amazing thing I could have ever imagined happening to me.  Actually, I feel a little sick, or nervous, or shaken, or something.
  "Suzanne.  To answer your question; GO GET Z.  He’s been waiting for you to take him.  He has been dying for you to realize you feel for him even a tenth of what
he
feels for you.  Z is
good
Suzanne, I promise.  I can't promise it will always be easy, but I absolutely
can
promise you that with Z, you will never have to feel insecure about being loved ever again. Z will love you for eternity, if you'll let him.  Z can and will be anything you could have ever dreamed of wanting, but didn't know to ask for…

 
“…Suzanne, Z is there
waiting
for you.  He wants to give you the love, adoration, and even the passion you desire, and DESERVE.  He wants YOU, Suzanne, with all the baggage, nightmares, scars, and agonies you can throw at him.  He wants to be your partner in all the pain, and your partner in all the happiness."

 
"Mack, I..."
SHIT!
  Pitching forward, I throw up.  God
Dammit
.  This is not right!
 "Suzanne?!  I thought you wanted..."

 
"I DO!  This is
happy
vomit, I swear!  I'm not messed up or unhappy!  This is like nervous vomit or something,
honestly
Mack.  Jesus
Christ.
I know this is so messed up.  See!  I only threw-up once.  It was just like nerves or something.  That's all."
  "
Happy vomit?
  Did you just say that?" Mack bursts out laughing, as I push down a last gag and join him.
  "I AM crazy Mack, remember?  'Happy vomit' makes perfect sense to me."
  Still laughing, Mack stands and walks to Kayla’s kitchen, presumably for cleaning supplies.  Thank god she has hardwood floors.
  "I'll do it Mack.  Please stop.  This is horribly embarrassing."
  As Mack hands me the Lysol, floor cleaner and paper towels, he leans down close to me, and then hugs me tightly- just a massive, warm hug.  A hug of reassurance and a hug of comfort.  Mack doesn’t even care that I just threw-up.