I am HER... (76 page)

 
Extracting myself from Z’s lap, I move to the chair beside him.  Breathing as best as I can, I find it hard to turn to him.  I don’t want to make eye contact.  I don’t want to see Z struggling to
not
hurt my feelings.  I can’t stand to see pity on his face.

 
“Suzanne, please stop thinking.  This isn’t about you not being what I want.  This is about you being
everything
I want.”  Oh!  That sounded so beautiful.  “I’m just trying to talk to you first before sex clouds us.  I know what sex with you is like.  I’ve been there.  I know the intensity, and I know how it changed me.  I don’t want us clouded by the sex, by the
love-making
when we need to talk first.  That’s all this is, I promise.  You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known.  You are still the woman I want, the woman I have wanted from the first phone call 9 months ago.  Please Suzanne, trust me when I tell you, I do want you,
badly.
”

 
“Okay.  What is it then?  What do you have to say Z?  I’m fine now, go ahead.”  And bracing myself, I raise my head, make eye contact and just wait for him to speak.

 
“Okay.  First I want to apologize for all that happened to you as a child.  I know my father had a major part in it, I know he hurt you, and though I know he isn’t me, I still feel somehow responsible for his deplorable actions.”
  “Z, I know…”

 
“Let me finish please.”  And when I shut my mouth, he continues.  “You had a horrendous childhood, I know that.  Some days I can’t believe you made it through your breakdown and all the revelations you had to endure.  I know it was a strength in you, that maybe even you’re unaware of, but I know it was a strength that got you through this last 9 months.  It had to be.  Everyone is astounded by your survival, and by your ability to want to live again, not to just exist.  You are amazing to me...

 
“…When I met you, I knew nothing of your past, obviously.  But I know I pushed you.  See, I thought you were like this bored wife- a woman who was married to a man who couldn’t pleasure her, that’s all.  I believed you just needed a little push.  I’ve done that before with some women, and I’ve known women like that who thrived with a little push.  I thought you were just a sexually inexperienced woman who needed to be
taught
how to receive and how to
enjoy
pleasure.  And you were that inexperienced woman.  You, as
Suzanne
have NO experience with sex- I know that.  I know you were violated and abused as that young girl, but SUZANNE knew nothing of pleasure.  I wanted to be that man for you, and I think I was.  I wanted to see you experience orgasm and pleasure.  I wanted you to be sexually awakened, if you will.  And I think I did that…”
  “You did…”

 
“But at a very heavy price.  I helped push you into your nervous breakdown.  It was because of my actions, that you were pushed
over the edge
, I guess.  And I can’t really get over that.  I’ve tried.  I’ve spoke with Mack endlessly about it, but I just can’t seem to make myself accept anything other than
I hurt you
.”

 
“But you didn’t hurt me!  Yes, you were intense with me, and yes, I had never had a lover like you before, but Z, I had never
HAD
a lover before.  That’s the point.  I was already screwed up when we met.  I was already losing it.  I was on my way.  And maybe your intensity pushed me over the edge, or maybe it didn’t.  I was going to
break
anyway, so whether you pushed me or didn’t,
really
doesn’t matter.  You didn’t hurt me on purpose. 
That’s
the point!  You weren’t cruel to me, and you weren’t abusive.  You were kind, and supportive, and loving, and sexy as hell, actually.  You were like this awesome little interlude in the middle of a breakdown.  You didn’t do this to me.  You had NO part in what happened 9 months ago, just as you had NO PART in what was done to me when I was young.  All you were to me was a wonderful, beautiful experience that helped me get through the tragedy and the nightmare that became my life.  You were an amazing memory of passion and love when I could barely stand to breathe, or even open my eyes some days.”

 
“Suzanne…”

 
And grabbing me up into his arms, Z actually bursts out crying.  Jesus
Christ!
  He’s crying like a man, all hiccupping coughs, and throat clearing, trying to hide it, and trying to be
manly
about it.  Z is crying in my arms, and I’m just devastated for him.  So much guilt he’s had, so much sadness, for nothing.

 
“Z, you have to stop this. 
Today
.  It’s over.  You didn’t do anything wrong to me.  You helped me.  Every single thing you did from our first phone call HELPED me.  You set in motion everything I would need to be helped.  Between you and Mack, I’m better.  I’m not great, and I’m nowhere near ready to jump fully into life, but I’m better and that is solely because of your actions and because of Mack...

 
“…Please let this go now.  I
need
you to let this go.  I can’t try to be something with you, if I fear you aren’t well enough to handle all the
stuff
that comes with me.  I don’t want you to hide from me, but I can’t have you carrying around needless guilt all the time.  It’ll destroy me.  Please Z, let this go.  You didn’t hurt me.  You were everything to me then, and you kind of still are….”  Ooops.  Too much pressure.

 
“Suzanne, I
want
to be everything for you, I really do.  I know it must seem crazy… Oh! Sorry…”

 
“Nope.  You can say ‘crazy’.  I know where I am, and sadly I know where I’ve been.  I’m fine Z- just speak freely,”  I grin at him.

 
“Okay.  I love you Suzanne.  And I know it must seem CRAZY to you, and to Mack, and to anyone else who has ever known me, but
honest to god
, I love you.  I don’t know if it’s one of those ‘love at first sight’ things, or if it’s because I’ve watched how hard you fought to make it through the breakdown… I really don’t know.  I do know that I
honestly
love you.  I am
in love
with you.  Just having you this close to me after so much time spent apart, has left me shaken, and excited, and nervous, and actually kind of pathetic really, I mean look at me, I’m crying over here…”

 
Bursting out laughing, I just take his face in my hands and kiss his lips.  That’s all I need.  I just want to kiss him.  I have wanted to kiss Z forever it seems.

 
“Z, can we please talk about everything…
later
.  I really
need
to be with you now. I know it’s you, and I know we will be together-
together
.  I know the difference now.  I know you had sex with me because you cared for me.  I know now that you didn’t
do
sex to me to hurt me.  I know that, and I’m
dying over here.
  
Please
take me to bed.”

 
"Suzanne... Are you sure?"

 
"Oh god yes!  I have thought of little else but being with you again."

 
"Okay.  But we stop the SECOND you feel anything bad, or scary, or overwhelming.  Promise me, Suzanne.  Please?  I need you to know that you
can
tell me to stop if you need to.  And I need you to understand that I WILL stop the second you ask me to.  Suzanne, please?"
  "Yes, Z, I understand that.  But I won't stop and I won't be scared, and I won't hurt, or get confused about anything when I'm with you.  I know it.  Can we
please
stop talking now though, I’m, ah, kinda horny…” 
BLUSH!
  I can’t believe I just said that!!

 
Pausing for a second, Z stares at me and then starts grinning.  "
Horny
Suzanne?  Well, you certainly have come a long way.  I guess I better catch up, shouldn’t I?”

 
Holy
Shit!
  He has his dirty-sexy-flirty-smile going on.  This is awesome! Kissing my lips gently, Z takes my hand, rises from his own chair and walks me toward his bedroom.  Oh,
thank god…

                                 CHAPTER 43
  Once we enter Z’s bedroom, I am struck motionless by the difference.  My memories of his room are so clouded that I'm almost unsure if we ARE in Z’s bedroom.  Everything is gone.  Everything has changed.  It's no longer a
boudoir
- It’s now a bedroom.

 
There is no red.  Breathing in deeply, I hadn't realized how afraid I actually was about the 'red', but since it's no longer here I realize I'm free of it.  There is no red, and therefore there are no bad memories.  This bedroom is our 'start'.
  "It's so different..." I whisper.
  "Yes.  There is no one in here anymore.  No past.  There are no memories of them for me.  They’ve been wiped clean.  I wanted them wiped clean for us."
  "It's stunning.  I love the colors.  Blacks and beiges, and even that burst of teal looks perfect.  It's just so lovely now."
  "I'm glad you like it.  I wanted this space to be a fresh start for us... I
hoped
it could be a fresh start for us."
  "Oh, it is.  There's no more red.  I can't really handle red, Z.  I'm trying, but it's still really hard sometimes.  I take baby steps with red."
  "I know.  That's the one thing Mack ever told me- red was an issue.  And I wanted you to be free of any issues when you were here again-
IF
you were ever here again… so the red is gone,
forever.
"
  "Thank you..." I whisper once more.
  "Please, Suzanne?  Please tell me why you're crying?  Are you sad?  Is this too much?  We can go back to the table if you'd like?"
  "NO!  I'm fine.  I want to be here.  I really want to be here with you.  I love it here now, and I know I'm going to love it here with you.  I
want
to be with you
here."
  "Okay.  Do you want to talk?  Would you like to sit and just talk a while?"
  "God no.  We can talk forever.  Please, Z... just kiss me."
  Exhaling, Z takes my face in his hands and just leans his forehead against my own.  "Suzanne.  You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.  There were some days I couldn't breathe for wanting you so badly."
  "I feel the same way about you.  I always felt that way with you.  During and especially after, I could barely breathe for wanting you back in my life.  I just didn't know what kind of life I could give you.  I had to figure out what kind of life I wanted before I could ask you, or allow you to be a part of the horror that I was in at the time."
  "It's okay.  You're here now.  I want you here.  Please be here with me Suzanne."
  "I'm here now- I am
her
now.  I’m finally Suzanne.  And now I can give myself to you completely.  Thank you for waiting Z.  Thank you for waiting for me, for
Suzanne
to finally come get you.  Thank you for not leaving."
  "Suzanne, we will stop if you..."
  "Z.  Please stop talking and just kiss me. 
Please,
" I smile.

 
Grinning in return, Z lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me.  Oh!  His lips are so soft.  His lips are strong, but not overwhelming.  He’s still amazing.  Again, I feel his kiss
everywhere
- all over my body and everywhere
inside
my body.  Z is all I feel.
  Moaning into his mouth, I feel his fingers start unbuttoning my blouse.  I feel his cool fingers graze against my breasts and I moan again. Pulling him harder to my mouth, I tingle with excitement and want.      
  Releasing his shoulders, I begin removing his jacket and shirt.  I've NEVER undressed a man before.
Ever.
  I didn't know how sexy and powerful it felt.  Tugging his shirt from his waistband, Z's body is still, though he continues kissing me.  Dropping his jacket to the floor, and spreading his shirt wide, my hands slide down his chest to his slacks.
  Pulling his belt buckle open is, like
, awesome.
  It’s so empowering.  I want to do this.  I
need
to do this.  After unzipping his slacks, I move my hands around him again, and push his pants down, as Z steps out of them.  With only his boxer-briefs between us, I stop and just look at him with a little dirty grin I can't help.
  "My turn..." he whispers with a return grin.
  Stepping back a foot, Z pushes my blouse open, letting it also fall to the floor.  Reaching around my back, Z lowers the zipper on my skirt and pushes it to the floor.  Standing in only my bra and panties, I have an instant of insecurity, but fight covering myself.
  "Suzanne you are
so
beautiful.  All lush curves, and pale, smooth, soft skin.  I've dreamt about kissing every inch of you for months. I've been haunted by the memory of your eyes.  I have never loved or seen such beautiful eyes in my life.  And your lips are perhaps the most sensual lips I have ever kissed.  You are everything to me.  You are every flaw and every mark you carry.  And yet you are flawless and unmarked
to
me.  You are absolutely beautiful in my eyes.”