I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (33 page)

"I am not even close to being the Devil, but those Angels coming for us? Some of them have survived the very process I just described. And one in particular has survived it many times over. They will be here soon, Junco. And they will shatter you and Inanna and my Archer brothers in a way that makes it almost impossible to return on your own. Because all of you are High Order and all of you are Fallen."

I take a deep breath and just shake my head as I look past him, out the window into the dusky red of the MR desert. "What about you? Will they shatter you?"

He smiles. It's the most evil smile I've ever seen. "No, Junco. They cannot shatter me. Believe it or not, my curse is like a shield. I truly am the captain of my soul, that is why they need you."

God, I want to be anywhere but here. Maybe we can escape, just run away and forget all of it—some ship, surely the avians must have some long-term life support ship we can take and just float out or existence in the nothingness… I look up at Lucan and know he's reading me.

"But even if we lose, and as long as you don't shatter
me
, if you just do what I ask, Junco, I will be there for you. I will put you back together. You won't have to wait until your love for Tier is a long-forgotten memory and you won't have to wait for someone to search for you across eternity. I will not let them take you away and throw you into oblivion.

"I will be there, I promise I will put you back together. I
will
love you for thousands of years, Junco, because you'll have no one else to share it with. If you will be there for me for this, I will not let you drift. Just do what I ask."

"No." I whisper it this time.

"When I was holding you after your Archer morph I said I'd wait, Junco. And I will. If you do what I ask and I survive, then you can live your life with Tier, do whatever you want—have a family, the house, the dog for fuck's sake. Whatever." He waves a dismissive hand towards me, like the whole idea of Tier and me having this normal life is ridiculous. "Have it all. I will give it to you, Junco." He searches my eyes to see what my reaction might be, but these words are so repulsive they've yet to sink in. "And I will be there after your life with Tier is over."

I laugh and shake my head. "You're insane. This is so much bullshit I don't even know where—"

"Inanna sentenced you to Hell, Junco. This is Hell. You're there already and you can never leave. You cannot die, but you can be punished and I'll tell you right now, after billions of years, the High Order have come up with many very creative ways to punish those of us who defy them. Dissipation is but one."

"I haven't though! I haven't defied them! I don't even know who they are!"

"You defy them by existing. If Inanna would've left you a Seven, you might have come out of it OK if you agreed to scatter me. But she took the next step, took you to Hell with her. You
will
be punished."

I stare out the terrace window and think of Matthew's punishments. His violence was always something I could live with. I mean, it was scary, but he never disfigured me or anything. Some smacks mostly. He only punched me close-fisted once and I really fucked him up in retaliation.

I was eleven when that happened.

I feel Lucan's hands on my shoulders but I don't turn.

"You knew, didn't you? Just like Tier knew Isten would die, even after he gave him to me." I look up at him now and I count. My pain is so real and raw I need to count the scales on his armor to hold it back. "You knew I'd end up this way? As a High Order Archer sentenced to an eternity of Hell?"

"I'm sorry, Junco. I really am, and I know it's a lot to take in, but you need to forget about that for now and concentrate on the Pillars. We must have them, you must make sure Irin will comply, you must show up to your Pillar, and you must give it to me. Do I make myself clear?"

I hate that phrase. It reminds me of camp. They were forever asking me if things were clear, and ya know what? No, nothing about my life is fucking clear, thank you.

I am in Hell and I will stay in Hell for eternity.

For years I've clung to the fact that it will end, one day, once and for all, it will end. All the heartbeats will stop. And it felt powerful to know, even though I never would, that I could make it end any time I wanted. I have always, literally, had control over my heartbeats.

But now?

Caleb did not mention this but surely he would've known. "You used Isten, just like you used me. You wanted inside my mind, you wanted answers, and you used him to take that from me, didn't you?"

He sucks some air in through his teeth and sneers at me. "Isten used you."

"No. You knew he wanted another twine more than anything and you used that against him, made him love me, made me love him. And then you took him away."

"None of this has anything to do with Isten, Junco. He wanted you, yes. Tier and I decided to make his remaining days happy. You would've rather he never had that special bond with you?"

"Go."

"Junco, I need your promise."

"Get out." I turn and look at him now. "Get out! I promise you nothing, Lucan. You're on your own, just like me. Maybe I'll raise that Pillar and maybe I won't, I have no idea right now to be honest. I'm gonna get my revenge, that's all I care about. I'm gonna go kill those people who started this, who made me, and I'm gonna feel a whole lot better about things when it's over. Maybe then I'll show up and raise that Pillar." It's my turn to sneer. "Or maybe I won't."

"You will show."

"Yeah? I'm sure you've seen me show up, is that it? Just like you saw me kill Kush and then slice my fucking chest open in Deliverance?"

He shrinks back a fraction, but I catch it.

"I did not see that."

"You lie! You're such a fucking liar! You saw that and everything else, too! Tier saw Isten die, he traded Isten for me, right? You traded Isten for me?"

"Who told you that?"

I grunt and face the truth I've been pushing away since before we went back to Earth to get my Siblings. "It's true. You guys gave him to me as a gift and then you took him. And not just killed him, you killed him in front of me, Lucan. You made me watch."

We stand there in silence for several seconds and then he puts a hand on my shoulder and I know it's all true. I shake him off and watch his expression when I say the words.

"I hate you." His eyes glow for a fraction and I repeat it without the malice. "I hate you. You used me. In the worst way, Lucan. You used me all up, broke me, then stepped on the pieces just to make sure I'd never be put back together again. You'll gather me up? Once I'm shattered? Well, I don't want you to come looking for me, and if you do come, I won't allow you to put me back together. Because you know what? I'd rather be floating in my own insanity for eternity than spend it with you."

He stares at me for a few seconds and then he disappears. Just like that, he's gone. Replaced by emptiness.

Like fucking hell he'll be there to gather me up. Like fucking hell. His promises are as empty as the air he left behind.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Someone, probably Selia, but maybe Irin, has left me some clothes in a bag in the closet. The bag is labeled Junco, so I know it's for me.

I take a shower, the anger from my confrontation with Lucan still replaying through my mind. I have to stop everything I'm doing, several times, and lean against the tiled shower wall to calm myself. I don't have the same control over my heart rate that I used to have before the morph. In fact, nothing about me is the same as it used to be.

And that was Sera's point in telling me that Inanna remade me into something better.

Maybe.

Maybe she did, but I'll skin that bitch alive if I see her. I will not hesitate. I consider myself a pretty forgiving person, I mean I put up with a lot from all my childhood handlers, my father, Lucan, Tier, Ash and the rest. But that anger I feel for them is nothing. Minuscule. Compared to the hate I feel for Inanna.

I finish up in the shower and dress in an outfit that once again looks suspiciously like my Fledge uniform, minus the wing holes. I don't have the sniper t-shirt to offset it this time. Selia cut it all up and who knows where it is now.

So I look like an avian, minus the wings. Which is just fucking fantastic. I love being reminded that I have no wings.

Whatever.

I leave my room and head into the common area and find Ashur and Selia sitting on the couch watching a horror screen.

I wave my arms at the screaming girl running from some horrible mutant thing. "What the hell, Selia?"

Her head is lying on Ashur's thigh and she's stretched out on the couch. Ash has one hand on her ass and the other rests on the back of the couch. Like he fucking lives here or something.

Selia doesn't even sit up to answer. "We're waiting for Esta's Pillar to come on the screen. They're about ready."

I blink at her—"OK, you're useless"—and take my attention to Ashur's smug gaze. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He smiles. "Babysitting, what do you think?"

"I don't—" My sentence is interrupted by the newscast on screen. The area shows nothing but open ocean with the exception of one small dot far off in the distance. The media team zooms in until I can make out avian shapes and I see Esta clinging to Ryse on the deck of a boat. Tier stands on the top level of the cabin, like he's watching the media team with interest. Like a predator protecting his kill, waiting to see if the hyenas will try and steal it, maybe.

The camera pans around them in a circle and the light from her Pillar comes into view. From his vantage point it's an endless column of photons shooting up towards the heavens. In a few more minutes, it's gonna be those nanotech things making the light turn solid.

What is up with these things, anyway? What could they possibly be doing with them?

My internal questions are forgotten as the camera zooms in on Tier. His face is calm but his wings say another thing altogether. They are definitely what I'd call attack ready—slightly uplifted behind him, not outstretched, but not folded either. His head is high, but maybe that's because he's looking up at the camera crew with intense interest now.

The light from this soon-to-be Pillar looks like it stretches on forever, that's how large the radius is. The video team pans the camera again, explaining the exact coordinates. They are off the southeastern tip of Africa somewhere. Hundreds of miles off-shore, but it doesn't matter. Tsunamis will travel until they lose energy or crash into something that will take that energy away. There are still plenty of places to demolish once this baby gets rolling.

The voice on screen is predicting the end of Madagascar.

They take the camera back to Ryse and Esta on the deck. She's still leaning into him, and he's still talking to her. Esta nods and then she's talking too.

I wish I could hear what's going on.

Tier's mouth moves and the reporter on screen tries to decipher what he's saying. Whatever it is, it's definitely for the benefit of the camera crew, who must be hovering in a copter or something. His mouth moves again, like he's repeating his words over and over. The reporter tries again, but Tier laughs and shakes his head and enunciates very slowly.

Everyone catches it this time.
Goodbye. They're saying goodbye
.

He's talking to me.

I feel Ashur's hand on my shoulder but I don't look at him. Tier grabs a small device that the reporters have thrown down to him.

I lean in to hear, I can't help it.

He smiles first. "You want to talk to her, Junco? To make sure this is right?"

I nod.
Yes
, my mind says, and Tier turns, jumps down to the deck, and leans into Esta's ear before handing the microphone over.

Esta's face is red and streaked with tears. "I'm OK, Junco. I'm just scared."

Oh shit.

"Stop." I look up at Ashur. "Make them stop."

"No, Junco. There's no stopping. If we don't complete the Pillars they'll
all
die. She's not scared of what
she
needs to do, she thinks you might leave her stuck in there. She's afraid she'll never see Ryse again."