I Am Yours (Heartbeat #3) (12 page)

“So we should toss our phones then?” Katie looks up at me expectantly.

“I wouldn’t, at least not yet. Brian said that Savoy’s not sure what happens if subjects quit the program cold turkey. You might have to be weaned off gradually.” I feel like a jerk for delivering the harsh truth, especially when Katie’s eyes start to fill up with tears.

“So the only way out of this is to confront Savoy. Let’s call Kelly now and get her to arrange a meeting. I don’t want this to go on any longer than it has to.” Adam runs his hands up the wall before tapping his head against the smooth surface. “I can’t believe this is fucking happening. What if they screwed us up so bad we’ll never get back to normal?”

“I’m afraid we can’t do that, Adam.” I flinch as he starts banging his head on the wall.

“Why the hell not?” he cries out.

“Because Kelly’s too intimately involved with what’s going on. She’s closely tied to Savoy. She’s not just his bumbling assistant, following orders. Brian thinks her baby might be his.” This is the part of the puzzle I hope is true. It’s the one ray of light in the midst of this enveloping darkness. But Adam doesn’t seem relieved as he scrapes his fingernails down the wall before dropping to the floor.

“Adam!” Katie crawls over to him, cradling his head in her lap while smoothing his hair out of his face. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. It’s going to be all right.”

“I thought you’d be glad,” I practically shout at him from across the room, too afraid to go near him. “Did you hear what I said? You’re probably not the father.”

He doesn’t respond. Instead he kicks the edge of the dresser before rolling onto his side. He’s gasping for air and heart-wrenching sobs begin echoing from his chest. “Jada, get out! Just leave!” he yells at me, choking back tears.

“Adam, you can’t be serious. The baby’s not yours. It probably never was,” I reaffirm, keeping my tone as even as I can.

Shoving Katie roughly aside, he stumbles to his feet. I take a step back, but it’s too late. His arms are around me, scooping me up. Pressed against him, I feel him draw a ragged series of breaths. This close, the anguish on his face is indescribable. I’ve seen him deal with a lot, but I’ve never seen him like this. He doesn’t stop upon exiting his room. He keeps walking through the living room and down the steps. Throwing open the front door, he finally lowers his arms, depositing me outside.

“You’re not who I thought you were.” He glares at me harshly, and I feel like a thousand knives are stabbing me all over my body. “Don’t ever come back here again.”

“Adam, wait—” I reach for his arm, but he yanks it away before shutting the door in my face.

I stand there, stunned. All I can hear is the hoarseness of his voice ringing through my head, and I think of how I might have hurt him beyond repair.

Chapter Twenty
Adam

I charge back up the stairs. The last thing I want to hear is Jada pleading with me to let her back in. Not after what she said.

Katie is sitting cross-legged on the couch, anxiously awaiting my return. Shit. She was supposed to come here to lower her stress level, and I ended up raising it. She’s already been dealt a series of blows. She’s going to crack if I burden her with anything else.

But the baby’s not mine, and I don’t know how to deal with that.

I mean, it’s not like I’m father material. I’m probably not cut out to be a dad, but truth be told, I was looking forward to it. I was excited to think that I’d somehow created a life, and now that dream’s been ripped out from under me, too. Why can’t Jada understand that I’m upset about that?

“Do you need to be by yourself? I can go in the other room.” Katie’s voice is timid as she observes me clenching and unclenching my fists.

“Jesus, Katie!” I snap at her and she recoils, shrinking into herself. “No, I don’t want to be alone. That’s the last thing I want.”

She remains quiet, keeping her distance from me. I’ve most likely scared the crap out of her after physically throwing Jada out of my apartment, ranting and raving like a lunatic. Her father’s a hothead from what I’ve heard, and now she must think I’m just like him—or even worse.

I slump down next to her, lowering my head and pinching the back of my neck, but there’s nothing I can do to relieve the tension. I shouldn’t be yelling at her. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s as much a victim in all of this as I am. I bet she wishes she never heard the name Adam O’Malley. I mean, where the fuck do we go from here?
Um yeah, I was brainwashed into liking you, but do you wanna go out sometime?
Life doesn’t work that way.

“Katie, I honestly don’t know what to think.” I rest my elbows on my knees, keeping my face hidden from her. “What if these feelings between us aren’t even real? What are we supposed to do now?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I texted Kelly.” She slides her feet out from under her, inching away from me as she speaks.

“You what?” My head snaps up. “Are you nuts?”

“I didn’t let on that we know. I said that your nightmares are getting worse, and I got scared when I couldn’t wake you up. I said whatever I could to lure her up here without giving too much away.” Katie’s eyes search mine, begging me to believe her. “We need to get to the bottom of this, Adam, and she’s the only one who can help us.”

“So you’re just going to trust her? The woman who’s trying to pass me off as her baby daddy while screwing with our minds? Yeah, that sounds like a plan.” My sarcasm is biting, but I don’t care. The last thing I want is for Kelly to invade the safe haven of my apartment. “Don’t you understand what she did to me the last time she was here? Do you really want her messing with me even more?”

“But you’re not alone this time. I’m here. I won’t let her do anything to you. I promise.” Unsteadily, she places a hand on my arm. The warmth of her touch unnerves me as her thumb circles the soft hair above my wrist. I can’t succumb to this. Not anymore.

“Katie, tell me the truth. Are you in league with Kelly and Dr. Savoy?” Her eyes cloud over, and I know it’s an accusation I’ll never be able to take back. There’s a dividing line separating us that wasn’t there before. It’s a permanent stumbling block—overcoming it is not even an option. There’s no going back now. “I need to know, Katie.” She wants to look away, but I reach out and cradle her face, tilting her chin up. Her skin heats up beneath my fingers as her telltale blush emerges. She’s so delicate, so perfect. Why can’t she be mine? Oh God, why can’t any of this be real?

Lightly, she starts shaking her head back and forth. Her eyes are drowning in the unshed tears that are threatening to fall down her cheeks at any moment. I couldn’t have hurt her more if I’d tried. Showing that I doubt her is the final nail in the coffin. She might have been alive all these months, waiting and dreaming of me, but she’s dead to me now. She’s closing herself off. But I need to know, even if I end up hurting her, destroying whatever fragile beginning we were attempting to build. I can’t move forward on a foundation that’s already been rocked to its core. There’s nowhere left to go from here.

“No, I’d never do that to you, Adam,” she whispers, and it’s like I can see her heart breaking inside of her. “I’d never do that to anyone.”

Giving her a small smile, I gently stroke her face. “But you have to see why I’d be suspicious…”

“Sure, I do. But it just goes to show how much of a fairy tale we were living.” She grins sadly back at me. “Connecting on some kind of deeper level with another person just doesn’t exist, no matter how much we want it to.”

“I’m sorry we were played like this.” I let my fingers drop, twining them through her hair. “I wish we could’ve gotten to know each other under different circumstances. Maybe things could’ve been different.” I can’t believe I’m saying these words. What I wanted more than anything is in my grasp and I’m just throwing it away.

“I hate how it sounds like you’re breaking up with me.” She swallows, and I feel a sharp twinge in the pit of my stomach. “But maybe you already did when we came face to face in that hallway. It was really over then, wasn’t it? You weren’t the guy from my dreams, and deep down I knew it.”

“God, it kills me to hear you say that.” I look away, blinking back my own tears. “You’re all I’ve thought about for months. My whole world literally rotated around the memory of you.”

“The mind’s a funny thing,” she remarks bitterly.

“But it was more than that. At least, for me.” I need her to comprehend the depth of Kelly’s malice. “I didn’t care about reality. All I wanted to do was dream of you while my entire life was falling apart around me. It’s like she was deliberately out to get me or something.”

“So you’re saying what I went through meant nothing because I don’t have a job or an apartment or a…?” Her expression is pained, and I hate how we just keep hurting each other.

“No, of course not. The anguish that you suffered should never have happened. But you didn’t think I was dead. Your life didn’t go into a tailspin. You weren’t on the brink of losing everything. You were just…” I don’t know how to finish my train of thought because I don’t want to trivialize the depth of her supposed feelings for me.

“A stupid girl in love with an imaginary guy? Sure, no big deal. It happens all the time. Who knew my case of unrequited love would turn out to be real?” She sniffles, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her but I can’t. The memory of holding her on that rainy night in her bedroom fills my head. She felt so good, like she was made for me. But it was just an illusion, my mind latching on to what I wanted to feel.

Steering the conversation away from her pain, I try to keep her from breaking down in front of me. I need her to be strong, for herself and for me. “We’re going to have to work together in order to beat this. Go after them as a team.”

“Yeah, right. Kelly always knows when I’m lying. She’s going to read it all over my face the minute she arrives.” Katie flinches as I remove my hand from beneath her hair, putting some space between us. It doesn’t feel right to have to push her away, but it doesn’t feel right to keep touching her either.

“That’s why we’re going to confront her from the get-go, throw her off guard. It’s the only way.” I lean forward, closing the distance between us, but now she’s the one sitting back.

“I don’t know, Adam. If her baby really is Dr. Savoy’s, why would she betray him like that and side with us?” She tucks her hair behind her ears while her eyes anxiously scan mine.

“But he’s done with us now, isn’t he? We completed whatever whacky requirements he set up for his study. He got the information he was after, and it’s about time he set us free.” I grip the armrest of the couch to steady myself. “If he doesn’t, I’m going to the police.”

“And say what? That your brush with drugs and alcohol just happened to coincide with these crazy dreams you were having?” She huffs, clearly frustrated. “They’re not going to buy it, Adam. Do you really want them looking into why you were suspended from your job? You won’t have a leg to stand on.”

“Then we have to bring in Brian and Jada. They can help us. They know what’s going on. Brian has documentation and everything.” But instead of agreeing, she hoists herself off the couch as I sink farther into the cushions. “Katie, c’mon. It makes perfect sense.”

“Does it? Your brother is more of a wreck than you are, Adam. I’ve seen how Kelly has to put him back together after he’s had too much to drink. And Jada? She’s like a ticking time bomb. I’ve never seen her without a scowl on her face. And they’re the ones who are supposed to rescue us? Are you insane?” This adamant, passionate side of Katie is new to me, and for a second I don’t know how to react. I’m stunned. Her argument is completely rational, but I just don’t buy it. I have to believe our fate is not a lost cause.

“You have to consider where they’re coming from. Brian called off his wedding because of me, yet he still went back to Kelly’s office and dug up some proof to help me out. Jada for all intents and purposes can’t stand me, yet she came here today to fill us in on what they discovered. She didn’t have to do that, but she did. To me, that says a lot.” I pound my fist against the adjacent cushion, but it’s still warm from her body, causing me to flash back to when she threw me naked upon her bed at the timeshare. Fuck…I can’t turn off these urges. What if it’s impossible?

“Adam, Jada’s in love with you. She’d do anything to get you away from me—and Kelly, for that matter.” Katie turns her back to me and stares intently out the window.

“You don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. There’s no way Jada’s in love with me. She only thinks she is. That’s all. Trust me, I would’ve picked up on it.” Wow, Katie’s been jealous of Jada the whole time? Great, another complication I don’t need.

“So Jada’s delusional, is that it?” She glances at me quickly over her shoulder. “She’s confused about her emotions, but you’re smart enough to know exactly how she feels?”

“No, it’s just that I’m not worth it. She thinks she can fix me, but if you can’t, no one can.” I let my head drop against the back of the couch, kicking out my feet in surrender. “She deserves better. You deserve better.”

“Adam, we were brought together under false pretenses, but Jada’s been with you through it all. She’s seen your ups and downs, who you truly are, and she hasn’t walked away. She’s stood by you. That’s gotta count for something.” Her face is still in profile, but her brow is furrowed like she’s been thinking deeply about this for some time.

“It does, but she only wants me because she can’t have me. Once that barrier is removed, her attraction to me will wear off. She’s pretty straight-laced. I can’t see her staying with a screw-up like me out of pity.” I close my eyes, wishing for the millionth time this day would end.

“I can’t believe I’m even defending her to you, since from the moment I saw her in the Outer Banks I viewed her as competition.” Katie sighs, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. “It made me so mad when Jada said she was in the bar with you and Brian that night. Jesus, Adam. You were with her right after you climbed out of my room.”

“Katie, nothing happened,” I protest.

“Sorry, Adam. I think something did. I think you found out what you’d be missing if you chose me instead of her, and it scared you, didn’t it?” There’s a hint of panic laced with understanding in her voice. She’s putting on a brave face, but she’s still trying to figure out what the heck is going on between us. It’s not exactly easy when nothing’s stable and the entire world’s in flux. Before Jada’s arrival, we were all set to play house together. Now we couldn’t be further apart. Despite what happened over the last few days, we feel like strangers again. It’s beyond unsettling. It’s making me question everything—every touch, every word, every kiss.

“Katie, I…” Of course she’s right, but there’s no way in hell I’m telling her that.

“You might have been dreaming about me, but it was Jada you were falling in love with.” Her lip quivers, and she struggles to hold it together. “I wasn’t sure until I saw how you acted around each other in there…but now I know.”

“What? You’ve seen us around each other before. You were there during that big blow-up we had outside the timeshare.” I sit up, wondering how she can be seeing things so differently. “It’s nothing like what you and I have.”

“And what is that exactly? It’s not like we have anything in common.” She shrugs, clearly uncomfortable. “You and Jada are both paramedics, partners even. You’ve been through things with her that I can never be a part of.”

“But you’re able to take me out of that world and make me want to enjoy life again.” I rise to my feet, feeling the need to be close to her. “You help me escape all that.”

“And that’s what I’m afraid of, Adam. You’re using me as a crutch like you used booze, weed, and God knows what else. Jada’s forcing you to face things head on, and you resent her for it. You think I’m the easy way out and that I won’t put up much of a fight if you want to throw your life away. Well, you’re wrong.” Katie walks away from me and into the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door, she begins removing all of the beer bottles one by one, lining them up next to the sink.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I fold my arms across my chest, pretending that I’m bored by her display of theatrics. “I’ll just buy more.”

“Not as long as I’m here. Face it, you’re not drinking, not one drop.” She proceeds to spill the contents down the drain. “You’re going to deal with whatever’s going on inside of you.”

“And what happens when the house of cards starts to collapse? Honey, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” I brace myself against the wall, muddling over her intentions. “You’re not going to like what you see. You’ll probably go running back to Daddy.”

“I don’t think so.” She levels me with her gaze. “Maybe it’s about time I did something useful with my life instead of hanging around the house, doing nothing. And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not Kelly.”