I blame the scapegoats (28 page)

In fact, a few of the more sensitive
contestants withdrew some time ago. Some have returned now there's been a
change in venue, which is a disappointing setback in the battle against sexism
and patronizing attitudes towards women - but then you know what they say about
a woman's prerogative to change her mind. The original boycott was to protest
against the sentence passed on Amina Lawal, a Nigerian woman condemned to be
stoned to death for having sex outside marriage. And now that hundreds have
died in Nigeria as a result of this competition, there is something distasteful
about the remaining contestants claiming that what they want most is 'world
peace'. There's only one way for the organizers to salvage any dignity out of
this farce - tonight, in her absence, they should crown Amina Lawal and see if
the Nigerians would dare execute a reigning Miss World. But tell Rod not to
propose to this one . . .

14
December 2002

In
2004 the European Union will be joined by a further nine, or possibly ten,
countries, depending on investigations currently under way to ascertain whether
Slovakia and Slovenia are the same country or not. Most of the new EU members
announced on Thursday come from behind what was the Iron Curtain, but after
decades as part of the Soviet Bloc they finally broke free and now can't wait
to sign up to the European super-state instead. And what better example of
European co-operation could there have been this week as the Arianne space
rocket was launched and then exploded into a thousand pieces, while the poor
technician was still trying to thumb his way through an instruction manual
printed in a dozen different languages?

Each new EU applicant has to meet a number of
criteria before they can finally be admitted. They must have a functioning
democracy, they should have a market economy and elderly widows will be
expected to do something about their facial hair. No more smoking on the tram
or letting dogs ride on mopeds. Rear seat belts must be fitted in all cars and
then ignored as in the rest of the EU. No doubt the xenophobes will paint a
picture of hordes invading from the Balkans. 'These Eastern European girls, I
mean they come over here and do all our hoovering! But that's not enough for
them, oh no, then they have to change the duvet covers, walk the Norfolk
terriers and do six hours'

babysitting
as well! And what's going to happen to the good old British bar worker? They'll
all have to go back to Australia!' English language schools will close in their
hundreds as Slovakian
au pairs
no
longer sign up just to get their student visa. New fast-food outlets will open.
The traditional British kebab shop and Tandoori take-away will be replaced by
Polish restaurants such as 'Beetroot U Like' and 'Yo Turnip!'

There
was a great deal of intense negotiating over which countries actually qualified
for the EU, and eyebrows have been raised at some of the new members, such as
Estonia, Lithuania and most of all Narnia. Some objected that Narnia is not
technically in Europe, but of course part of it is (well, the wardrobe bit
anyway) and so Narnia scraped in. Naturally there have been concerns about
their human rights record, not to mention the rights of fawns and beavers, but
Jack Straw rightly pointed out that the Snow Queen's record on turning her
subjects into stone statues has actually improved in recent years. 'The Snow
Queen is gradually moving towards a more democratic and less wintry society and
it is important that Western leaders are seen to be keeping the wardrobe door
open,' he said. Further negotiations could take years, but it will seem like no
time at all once the delegation is back home again.

The
only other controversy was the application by the Turkish Prime Minister. He
overheard Tony Blair saying, 'We're not having Turkey!' at which he immediately
stormed out and attacked the racist elitism of the Western club. He should have
hung around to hear the British PM continue '. . . No, we thought we'd have goose
this year, but with all the traditional trimmings, you know . . .'

But at this seasonal time, the Christians did
not vote for Turkey, despite a most helpful intervention by that popular
European leader George W. Bush. This isn't the first time that Turkey have
sought to be part of a united Europe - the last attempt was known as the
Ottoman Empire. And for some years now Turkey have been knocking on the back
door of the EU by getting themselves into the Eurovision Song Contest and the
Champions League. What greater natural friendship could there be than that
between English football fans and those of Galatasaray? And if Israel and
Morocco are in Eurovision, then it's time the EU opened the door to Ecuador,

Madagascar
and the Central African Republic as well.

I remember as a young activist I once stood
up at a Labour Party meeting and said, 'Do the people of inner-city Battersea
have the same interests as the fishermen of Greece or the sugar-beet farmers of
Belgium?' and everyone rather threw me by replying 'Yes!' And while I was still
standing there, various comrades mumbled, 'Better health care . . .' 'Good
schools . . .' 'Decent housing . . .' 'Oh and, er, peace!' And so halfway
through putting my argument, I completely changed my mind while still attempting
to finish the original point I was trying to make. Turkish Muslims want the
same things as European Christians: to get together in one happy
internationalist family so we can all slag off the Americans. But try asking
our leaders if we really want what was once a small common market to be
expanded into a huge European super-state stretching from the Atlantic to Asia.
Most politicians will say it is high time we had a full and frank debate about
this whole issue. Which is their way of saying they haven't the faintest bloody
idea . . .

18
December 2002

In December 2002, I sat in for the
Guardian
's
Parliamentary sketch writer, Simon Hoggart. The following piece is from that
week.

Like
the distorted delays announced over tannoys in railway stations, the government
statement on transport yesterday was completely incomprehensible. MPs glanced
at one another, looking confused and irritated.

The
monitors all over the Palace of Westminster had claimed this was a statement on
the 'transport investment plan', although most MPs who get the train back to
their constituencies every weekend were under the impression that there was no
transport, no investment and no plan.

Members
had bagged their places like passengers spreading themselves out on a double
seat, though of course they would quickly move their order papers if Julie
Kirkbride or Claire Ward looked like choosing the seat beside them.

The Transport Secretary, Alistair Darling,
resisted the temptation to refer to honourable members as 'customers', but was
received with all the incredulity of a driver proudly announcing that his train
was delayed by four hours but this was much better than the five hours that was
expected. 'We are committed to the long haul,' he said, clearly thinking of his
next rail journey back to Edinburgh.

Increased road
congestion was in fact a symptom of this government's economic success, he
claimed, but amazingly no one opposite congratulated him. It's like spiralling
drug consumption - it's only happening because more people have got the
disposable cash to spend on cocaine, but nobody will give the government credit
where it is due.

Alistair Darling once had a beard, but this
meant people remembered which one he was, so he shaved it off again. Now he
either dyes his grey eyebrows black or his black barnet grey, but either way he
seems to have found a third way on hair colour.

Labour
members leaned forward to congratulate him on his performance, but only because
they were all competing to do the Blackadder joke and say, 'Excellent
statement, Darling!'

The
Tories' transport spokesman is the chinless puppy Tim Collins, who looks like
central casting sent him in straight from filming 'The Upper Class Twit of the
Year'. His website boasts that his mother is chairman of Epping Forest
Conservative Association and that he got a better-than-national swing despite
having an opponent with the same surname as him. This is the stuff of great
statesmen! His swimming certificates and cycling proficiency badge are expected
to be added shortly.

Collins's speech was more Thomas the Tank
Engine than TGV. There was a lot of noise and puffing steam; he looked like he
might hurtle out of control at any second. He talked louder than necessary,
like a small businessman on his mobile phone trying to show off to other
passengers.

Labour's
Gordon Prentice said Richard Branson got a lot of stick in the House of
Commons, but he was eager to report that he had recently travelled on a Virgin
Voyager train and was staggered at how sophisticated it was. In a desperately
sycophantic bid for free train tickets or a digitally remastered copy of
Tubular
Bells,
he added that there had even been Braille in
the toilets! No one told him that this wasn't in fact Braille, but the hardened
deposits of passengers who had picked their noses and wiped it on the toilet
wall. But the minister David Jamieson added that he too had travelled on a
Virgin train and he confirmed that they are quite excellent. MPs now know it is
possible to get travel sickness without actually going anywhere.

Throughout
this hellish journey to nowhere, Tories looked as if they would rather have a
first-class section separate from all the oiks on the standard-class Labour
seats. It was all very entertaining for those present. It was a shame that most
MPs were still stuck in a train outside Didcot Parkway and couldn't be there to
hear it all.

21
December 2002

It
looks set to be a tense Christmas in the homes of New Labour ministers. When
the families ask where their presents are, cabinet members will be forced to
stand up in front of the telly and make a brief statement outlining revised
targets for the purchase of Christmas gifts.

'What, you mean you
haven't actually bought me anything?'

'Er, we remain fully committed to a full
allocation of perfume and CDs, although revised targets mean that in some areas
these may not come on-stream until June 2008.'

'What about Granny?
She was hoping for a teasmaid.'

'We hope that by returning to employment many
of our elderly will have the opportunity to provide themselves with teasmaids
which otherwise might not be affordable within the projected savings gap'

'Well, happy holidays
to you too!'

'Ah yes, about the holidays . . . with the
emphasis now on wealth creation we are seeking to discourage people from taking
more holiday than is needed, so it will no longer be compulsory for people to
take December twenty-fifth off work. Quite the opposite, in fact.'

And then a full-blown row ensues, with the
minister's wife saying she has lost patience with this government and tearing
up that nice Christmas card from the PM with the message 'Peace to all Mankind
except those concealing weapons of mass destruction'.

Which will make it all the more tense when
the neighbours pop round to 10 Downing Street on Christmas morning. William
Straw and Euan Blair will skulk in a corner saying how fascist Christmas is,
while Cherie goes around offering drinks.

'Bitter, Gordon?'

'I
am not!'

'Or
Scotch on the rocks?' 'How dare you!'

Tony will be wearing his wife's present of a
bright red-and-green jumper (chosen by Carole Caplin) while the younger kids
will be arguing over who gets to board up the last window on the advent
calendar.

Then
it's into the drawing room where the little ones perform a moving recreation of
the Christmas story. Despite having travelled many miles, Jesus and Mary find
themselves detained at Sangatte Detention Centre. In the humble stable a cow
looks on, but then staggers sideways and falls over before being quickly
whisked off to the abattoir. 'Though I am a single mother,' says Mary, 'I am
determined to get back to work and create wealth!'

'Good idea!' says Joseph. 'Then maybe the
Child Support Agency will get off my back!' The shepherds get their lines all
wrong and start waving Countryside Alliance banners and then come the three
Wise Men who had been following a bright star across the Middle East. 'No, you
idiots!' says the innkeeper. 'That's not a star - it's a rocket from the US
Missile Defence system, on its way to Baghdad.'