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Authors: John O'Farrell

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I blame the scapegoats

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I blame the scapegoats
John O'Farrell
London : Black Swan, 2004. (2003)
Tags:
Satire, Non Fiction
Satirettt Non Fictionttt

SUMMARY:
Another collection of funny, satirical essays on a hundred and one 21st century subjects ranging from a sperm-sorting machine to Santa loans for school children, and how the EC is being expanded to include Narnia.

John
O'Farrell is the author of two best-selling novels,
The
Best a Man Can Get
and
This
Is Your Life,
and
Things
Can Only Get Better,
a memoir. His name
has flashed past at the end of such productions as
Spitting
Image, Have I Got News For You
and
Chicken
Run.
He writes a weekly column in the
Guardian,
the first volume of which was collected and published as
Global
Village Idiot.
He lives in London with his wife and two
children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.booksattransworld
.co.uk

 

Also
by John O'Farrell

 

Things
Can Only Get Better

The
Best a Man Can Get

Global
Village Idiot

This
Is Your Life

 

 

I Blame the Scapegoats

 

 

GUARDIAN
COLUMNS.THE FINAL SEQUEL (PART ONE)

 

 

John O'Farrell

 

 

 

 

Doubleday

LONDON    •    NEW YORK    •   TORONTO    •    SYDNEY   
•   AUCKLAND

TRANSWORLD
PUBLISHERS

61-63 Uxbridge Road,
London W5 5SA

a division of The
Random House Group Ltd

RANDOM
HOUSE AUSTRALIA (PTY) LTD 20 Alfred Street, Milsons Point, Sydney, New South
Wales 2061, Australia

RANDOM
HOUSE NEW ZEALAND LTD

18
Poland Road, Glenfield, Auckland 10, New Zealand

RANDOM
HOUSE SOUTH AFRICA (PTY) LTD Endulini, 5a jubilee Road, Parktown 2193, South
Africa

Published
2003 by Doubleday

a
division ofTransworld Publishers

Copyright
©John O’Farrell 2003

The
right of John O'Farrell to be identified as the author of this work has been
asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and
Patents Act 1988.

A
catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 0385
606745

All
rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission
of the publishers.

Typeset
in I IM/I4pt Ehrhardt by Falcon Oast Graphic Art Ltd.

Printed
in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, Bungay, Suffolk.

10
9 8 7 6 5 4 3

Papers
used by Transworld Publishers are natural, recyclable products made from wood
grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the
environmental regulations of the country of origin.

 

 

'Maketh
up a quote at ye beginning of thy book; 'twill make people think thou art
clever.'

Christopher
Marlowe,

The
Obscure Tragedie,

 
Act
II, Scene ii

 

 

Contents

 

 

 

 

 

Introduction
                                                                                 
1

Choose
the sex of your child
                                                     
5

The greatest Tories
ever sold
                                                   
8

Brickbats
and mortar
                                                                 
11

After
you with the trough
                                                        
14

Product
placement sickens me
                                                
17

Send
in the clones
                                                                    
20

The
scientists are making it all up
                                         
23

What's so bloody
great about the private sector?
               
26

Welcome
to England: smacking area - 200 yards
                
29

They've
run out of IDS
                                                              
32

Edward
- stalker laureate
                                                        
35

Lack of identity
cards
                                                               
38

The
wrong sort of shares
                                                          
41

Shop for victory!
                                                                       
44

Pentagon seeks
part-time helpers - no terrorists please
    
47

PC
Plod goes to PC World
                                                       
50

Goal
not dole

Hey,
Mr Taliban Man

Between
a rock and a hard place

I
blame the scapegoats

Hotel
health service

Defective
defector

Immunizing
children against the tabloid press

Osama's
Christmas message

Top
dog collar

Working-class
students

Tyson
bites yer legs

God
Save the Queeeeen!

As English as
baseball itself

Consignia
Personnel Pat

Britain wins gold
medal at Olympics!
(in
the ladies' curling)

Someone
explain the Third Way to a fox

More
power to those elbows with the leather patches

Five
thousand police march (police estimate much lower)

Criminals
in the community

War!
Hurr! What is it good for?

Nationalized
Grand National

Does
the working class exist?

Labour
to increase taxes shock!

Match abandoned
(following inspection by accountants)

Talking ballots

It's
what one would have wanted Filthy lucre School's out

God
bless the World Cup

Snakes
and property ladders

In-flight
entertainment

PM-TV

No
sex please, we're teenage boys

Off
with her head

Talking
rubbish

Robo-squaddie

Look
out! There's an accountant about. . . Rats!

Football
fans are revolting!

I'm a world leader,
get me out of here!

Atomkraft?
Nein danke!

United
Nations
States

The
Quiet Man with a lot to be quiet about

The
Ballad of Lincoln Gaol

Grate
Britons

Je
t'aime (moi non plus)

The butler didn't do
it

Dial
999. Ask for 'Fire'. And wait for strike to end . Cut!

Weapons of mass
distraction

Miss
World shows her age

EU to include Narnia

Feeling
travel-sick on the road to nowhere

New
Labour, New Christmas

Election
battle

Intelligent hominids
(due any century now)

Grounds for concern

London
Olympics (indoors if wet)

Off
the wall

Genetically
modified asparagus (an end to strange-smelling urine)

Tories
in turmoil (Part 7)

Who
wants to be a military Blair?

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