I blame the scapegoats (8 page)

In
fact the reality is not that different. This week the Pentagon publicly
appealed for help in 'defeating difficult targets' - announcing a competition
for ordinary Americans to come up with snappy ideas on ways of thwarting the
terrorists. 'We're open to ideas from just about everybody,' said Pentagon
spokesman Glenn Flood as the guys in the mail room went 'Oh terrific - another
million strangely addressed envelopes to check out.'

So far the only entrant to this competition
is a man called G. W. Bush from Washington whose idea was to blow up the whole
of Afghanistan. To be fair to the US military, they're doing their best to give
due consideration to Afghan civilians. All the American planes have little
stickers on the back saying 'How's my bombing?' and then there's an 0800 number
that you can call if you think the US Air Force are blowing up any cities in a
discourteous or aggressive manner.

It doesn't exactly fill you with confidence
that the moment the world's only superpower is faced with a military foe, they
call a press conference and say to the world's media, 'Er - I don't suppose you
guys have any ideas, do you?' In 1940 when France had fallen and Churchill broadcast
to the nation to stiffen British resolve, he didn't say, 'Er - well, frankly
we're a bit stuck about what to do at this end, so we thought we'd have a
little competition. Answers on a postcard please. Send your entries to
"Defeat the Nazis Competition, Ministry of War, Whitehall", and
remember the lucky winner gets some book tokens and a seat at the Yalta
conference to help decide the post-war settlement.'

Our current Prime Minister may have got wind
of the Pentagon's novelty competition for lateral ideas because I'm sure I
heard him saying that Britain will be contributing our very own Ground Force.
So the Americans are sending in thousands of highly armed marines and we're
contributing a Channel 4 gardening programme. Mind you, once the senior clerics
in the Taliban are confronted with the bra-less Charlie Dimmock jumping about,
the regime will probably cave in overnight.

Washington
are so desperate for ideas that they have said that the contest is open to
anyone and that the winner could be offered a Pentagon contract. The trouble is
that there are housewives in the Midlands who make a living out of repeatedly
winning competitions from
Take a Break
magazine
and the back of cereal packets; they're bound to have a head start on the rest
of us. When the invasion of Kabul goes horribly wrong we'll find out that this
is because the assault was planned by a retired dinner lady from Droitwich.

Meanwhile American defence chiefs are
continuing their research into military operations in Afghanistan by watching
Carry
On Up the Khyber
and they are gradually developing some
sort of strategy. There was a setback when they found that their precision
bombing was not quite as accurate as had been hoped. When the White House
announced that they'd be using their famous smart bombs in Afghanistan, workers
rebuilding the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade three thousand miles away said, 'Oh
no - but we'd nearly finished it,' before dashing off to the bomb shelter. So
then the Americans had the idea of dropping food supplies to the victims of the
Taliban, the logic being that if these were aimed really carefully at the
fleeing refugees they would miss so comprehensively that you could be sure
they'd land right on top of Osama Bin Laden, instantly crushing him to death.
Okay, so it's an outside chance, but the Pentagon policy competition has only
been going a few days.

3
November 2001

This
week it was announced that Britain's police officers are to be issued with
portable computers to help protect the public against crime. The thought is
that so many people have been mugged for their laptops that now the police are
going to walk round with them as well to try to spread it about a bit. As a
whole string of technological accessories was announced for our law enforcers,
the futuristic fantasy of
Robocop
finally
came true. Or maybe it's more
Dixon of Dock Green
with
a pager.

PC
Plod is being taken to PC World to save him having to spend hours back at the
police station filling out endless forms and statements. So as the armed gang
screech away from the bank heist, police officers will now rush to the scene
and, instead of producing a little black notebook, will whip out their laptop
computers.

'So you say you saw
the getaway car?'

'Yes, I memorized the number plate and
everything. Quick, get it down before I forget it.'

'Okay,
hold on . . . Press "file", then "open", then
"enter". Hmmm . . . "Windows file path invalid . . ."'

'It was a red Nissan,
registration X148 . . .'

'Hang on, hang on - "File not configured
. . ." Look, you don't know anything about computers, do you?'

'Registration
X418, no - erm, try pressing "Help". I think it's Fl.' 'Ah yes, let's
see . . . "Specify font when converting files" - hmmm. Can we borrow
your computer, sir?' 'Sorry - it's just been stolen.'

Even
if the police computers crash as often as their cars, I suppose they'll still
have their uses. To protect all that complex micro-technology, laptops now have
a tough titanium alloy casing - so they could always use them to whack someone
over the head when they've forgotten their truncheons.

The
introduction of pagers is another clever New Labour step forward. At the last
Police Federation conference, Jack Straw was nearly booed off the stage. Next
time the Home Secretary speaks, all the officers in the audience will get
messages on their pagers saying Applaud now!' 'Cheer!' and 'Standing Ovation!'
Another innovation will see video identity parades replacing the traditional
police station line-up. For the witness, this will remove the fear of coming
face to face with your assailant, making it just like watching an ordinary
video. So before you get to the main feature there will be an endless string of
over-long trailers: 'Coming soon from Scotland Yard Pictures,' says the deep
American voice-over, 'a story of six men, and the criminal who lurked among
them. From the director of
Identity Parade 5
-
a thrilling story of one man's search for justice.' And then there'll probably
be a trailer for
The Perfect Storm
and
Meet the Parents
because there always
is, and the witness will shout, 'That's him! That's the one who did it . . .
I'd recognize him anywhere!' 'No, madam, that's Robert De Niro.' All this is
presuming that the officer in charge didn't record over the tape by mistake,
replacing essential footage of the chief suspects with last night's edition of
Top
Gear.

However, giving policemen camcorders also
brings new risks of facilitating miscarriages of justice. Will all participants
in the identity-parade be filmed in the same neutral manner? Or when they get
to the bloke they want to see banged up, will they zoom violently in and out
and then use the caption facility to type in 'GUILTY!' in big letters across
the screen? Maybe the best judicial cock-ups could appear on their own video
clips TV show called
You've Been Framed.

Like all tools in the fight against crime,
modern technology can be used for good or ill. There's always a civil liberties
issue, but no point would be served by holding the police back and saying that
they were only allowed to use blue phone boxes and whistles. The use of modern
technology really took off with the spread of CCTV cameras, which, though they
helped reduce crime, also had a down side as we were forced to endure endless
newspaper articles about the realization of Orwell's nightmarish vision. I used
to be against CCTV, but earlier this year my wife's handbag was stolen in a
coffee shop and there was the culprit caught red-handed on camera. Then he
tried to buy petrol with her credit card and there he was again, number plate
and all. Fantastic! Obviously nothing was ever done to follow any of this up,
trace his car or bring any charges, but you can't expect everything.

So we should welcome any technology that
assists the police in their vital work and it is clearly much easier to alter a
defendant's statement on a computer than it is on a handwritten sheet of A4.
And we should not be deterred from proceeding to the next stage by the expense
of buying our policemen new laptops, pagers, palmtops and camcorders. As it
happens, the fight against crime will not cost as much as you might expect.
Apparently there's a bloke down the pub who can get all this stuff for them
half price, no questions asked.

10
November 2001

Over
the past few weeks, Britain's footballers have been voting on whether they
should take industrial action. Fabien Barthez was handed his ballot paper and
then dropped it. Andy Cole went to pop his voting slip into the ballot box, but
at the last minute lost his footing and missed completely. Paul Gascoigne
walked across to the polling booth but pulled a calf muscle and was led away in
tears. But for those players who did manage to put a cross into the box (which
was a first for Leicester's midfield this season), a huge majority voted in
favour and now we can expect to see the first ever industrial action in the
history of league football.

Strikers' support groups are already
springing up around the country, shaking buckets outside the factory gates to try
to collect the £20,000 a week that the average Premiership player needs to make
sure he has a DVD player in every car. Food convoys are ferrying lager and
kebabs to impoverished strikers. Shop stewards wearing badges saying 'Goal Not
Dole' are asking other sports workers to come out in sympathy. The England
cricket team are expected to be out in no time.

Under
Britain's draconian industrial law, it would be illegal for England's
Premiership players actually to refuse to turn out onto the football pitch, although
a small picket would be permitted on the edge of the penalty area. So Michael
Owen will rush up towards the goal-mouth with the ball at his feet only to be
met by five footballers in duffel coats and flat caps standing around a
brazier.

'This is an official strike by the PFA and
we're asking you not to cross this picket line.'

'Look, I dunno anything about no strike. I've
just been told to deliver this football into that net over there.'

'Listen, lad, I've got striking players on
this picket line who don't know where their next mansion in Essex is coming
from . . .'

'But if I don't make sure this ball gets over
that goal-line, my boss says I won't get my ten grand bonus this week . . .'

It's heart-breaking stuff. Of course, if they
argue for too long, the referee then moves the picket line back ten yards. At
this point tempers become frayed and the police step in to calm things down. An
officer puts a gentle hand on Ginola's shoulder and he falls to the floor in
agony, rolling about clutching his injury.

Highlights of all this would have appeared on
the Sky Sports Strike Action Channel except that it's the televising of
football that has caused this dispute. The PFA want a modest 5 per cent of the
money that comes from transmitting the beautiful game to fund its various
welfare schemes and to assist ex-players who've fallen on hard times. 'We want
to benefit from the enormous popularity of televised football,' they say, as
ITV moves its Premiership programme to a later slot due to lack of viewers. Obviously
the Premiership chairmen believe there are more important things to do with all
that money, like spending
£10
million
on a midfielder and then selling him for half the price the following season.
But the players' union is right to ask for this money and the players are right
to vote for a strike. Footballers are always being criticized for being poor
role models, but here they are setting a great example: the greatest ever
turn-out in a strike ballot, and the greatest majority prepared to take strike
action. They are prepared to risk confrontation with their own clubs in order
to help players less fortunate than themselves. At last England might have some
decent left-wingers.

The
next stage looks set to be fought out in the courts, which could take several
years while the judge is having the offside law repeatedly explained to him.
With all their millions, the Premier League will have an unfair advantage in
the law courts, even if the public gallery is packed out with fans singing
'Who's the bastard in the wig?' This is one dispute where there is already a
much clearer mechanism for finding a winner. The PFA should challenge all the
club chairmen to a game of footy. What a match that would be. Mohamed Al Fayed
as captain of the Chairmen's XI would lose the toss and claim this was the
result of a conspiracy by MI5 and the Duke of Edinburgh. Elton John would spend
£50,000 on his outfit, thereby seriously undercutting the Manchester United
club shop. Instead of half-time oranges, Delia Smith from the board of Norwich
FC would serve up Roasted Summer Vegetables, and Ken Bates would be made to sit
on the subs bench (tickets start at £75). Finally, Mohamed Al Fayed would score
and in the celebration whip off his shirt, revealing his naked torso right in front
of the TV cameras. And at a stroke the dispute would be completely irrelevant.
Nobody would watch televised football ever again.