I Confess (37 page)

There are all in all a hundred and fourteen post offices in Vienna that sell money orders. In the ensuing two days I paid in 6,000 schillings at each of these one hundred and fourteen post offices. As sender I filled in any name and address that came to my mind; on the back, on the line reserved for "Remarks," I wrote: "From an anonymous donor." The recipient was, in all one hundred and fourteen cases, the same. I found out the correct name during a conversation with Dr. Freund. "The General Beneficial Company for the Construction of a Children's Hotel in Neustift am Walde, Vienna I. Am Hof 112."

I began the whole operation on November 20th, I was finished on December 6th. On December 9th, Martin had his first serious relapse.

14

"The inducement for the relapse was—as it usually is— something trivial," said Dr. Freund. I was with him in his oflSce again. It had stopped snowing and was thawing. The streets were dirt>^ and the snow was black.

"Martin chose the line of least resistance. He declared that Albert had laughed at him. Albert, as you know, is a retarded child. I admit that Albert has a way of laughing suddenly and for no apparent reason. This is part of his condition and doesn't mean a thing. After Albert had laughed like this three times, Martin beat him up, so badly that he knocked out two of Albert's teeth and hurt him quite seriously. They were his first teeth, just the same ... Albert's parents came to see me. They reported it to the city board and I was severely rebuked for my educational methods."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Dr. Freund." "Don't be sorry. Tm constantly being rebuked by the board. Fortunately I have a thick skin." "But what's going to happen now?" "I have spoken to Martin and punished him...." "How?"

"I have forbidden him to come to school tomorrow," said Dr. Freund. "He took it hard. And Toni and Use have promised to think what else we can do."

"And you think Toni and Ilse can find a solution?" He looked at me, astonishment written all over his face. 'Who else?"

Toni and Use, however, didn't come up with a solution, at least not right away. Martin stayed home from school the following day, angry and silent. On December 11th he went back. During the 10 o'clock recess, he beat up Albert again. His reason: "Albert reported me. Because of him I had to miss a day of school."

"So," said Dr. Freund. "And you like to come to school so much that you can't forgive Albert for having made you miss a day?"

Martin nodded. "Yes, Herr Doktor. And now I suppose I'll have to miss another day."

Dr. Freund shook his head. "On the contrary. Now Albert is going to miss a day. He can't come tomorrow because he's in no condition to come after what you did to him. You may come if you apologize to him and if you promise to behave tomorrow."

"I'll apologize, Herr Doktor, and I promise to behave.'*

Martin fulfilled the first part of his promise. He visited Albert at his home and brought him a box of candy, and the boys shook hands. He did not fulfill the second part. Next day he beat up a little girl. "She laughed at me."

"And why did she laugh at you?"

"Because I went to see Albert and apologized. She said I was a coward."

"Please leave the room, Martin," said Dr. Freund. "You no longer interest me."

"But I can't help it, Herr Doktor!" There was panic in the boy's voice.

"You broke your word. I have nothing more to say to you. Please go back to your classroom."

Martin left. As he closed the door, he was sobbing. A little later Toni and Use walked in. "Herr Doktor, we have a plan."

"Yes?"

"I think we can help Martin.**

"How?"

"Use and a few other girls have been watching him, and they've found out that he loves dried apricots. So ev-

ery child is going to contribute twenty groschen of his pocket money, and with it we'll buy dried apricots. Then Ilse is going to tell Martin: if you don't beat anybody up today, we are going to give you a bag of dried apricots at noon."

At noon on the following day I saw Martin, with Ilse, out on the sports field. I could watch them from Dr. Freund's oflBce. She-gave him a httle bag of apricots and he ate all of them up. On that day he didn't molest anybody.

The following day, the same thing happened, and the next two days brought no further act of violence. On the fourth day, however. Use came to see Dr. Freund again-She looked troubled. "We don't know what to do."

"What's wrong?"

"Our money's gone. We can't buy any more apricots. Would you have four schillings you could lend us?"

Dr. Freund's eyes brightened. "Of course I have four schillings I could lend you. But I have an idea. What do you say to this? Tomorrow morning, at eight o'clock, you tell Martin the truth—^that you don't have any more money and he therefore won't get any more apricots."

Ilse nodded. StiU she looked worried. "But don't you think then he'll beat Albert up again?"

"We'U see," said Dr. Freund.

Next morning I waited in the small projection room behind one of the openings. Dr. Freund was standing beside me. On the other side of the wall, directly under us, Ilse was talking to Martin. She v/as telling him the truth. Martin hesitated for a moment, then he said indifferently, "So what! I don't want to eat apricots every day anyway. It's aU right."

And Martin didn't beat anybody up although he knew there would be no reward. It looked as if the crisis was over.

"The only thing Fm worried about," said Dr. Freund, "is Saturday."

"Why?"

"Every Saturday the whole class gets together and discusses the week just past. If Ilse isn't big enough to keep her achievement to herself, or if one of the children tells the apricot story, Martin may feel he is being made fun of again, and we're back where we started."

"May I be present?"

"Certainly."

On Saturday afternoon, therefore, T sat in the classroom for the first time. The children reported the week's events: they had saved a cat's life; Gerda's mother had declared her daughter couldn't go hiking in the woods with the others any longer on Sunday. Gerda was too old for that sort of thing.

"So?"

"So we asked her if she was forbidding it because not only girls but boys were going too."

"And?"

"And she said yes, that was why she wouldn't let Gerda go."

"And what did you say to that?"

"We told her if she was worried about it, she should come with us."

"And is she coming with you?"

"Yes, Herr Doktor, She's coming tomorrow. And next Sunday Hans's mother is coming, and then another mother, until they've all had a chance. Then we start all over again with Gerda's mother."

"That was a good idea," said Dr. Freund. He looked around. "Did anything else happen?"

"Yes, Herr Doktor:' Little Ilse with the black braids stood up. Here we go, I thought.

"And what was it?"

"You know what Martin did, don't you?"

Martin was staring straight ahead. He looked abysmally ashamed of himself.

"Yes, Use, I know."

"We talked to him, Herr Doktor,'* said wonderful, adorable, clever little Use, "and he's promised that from

now on he's going to behave." Then she sat down again.

Dr. Freund wiped his forehead with his handkerchief. "Thank you," he said with emphasis. "That was a good week for everybody."

Use looked at Martin. She was smiling. Martin reddened. Then he smiled back. It was the beginning of his first friendship.

15

"Come with me," said Dr. Freund when the children's conference was over and we were out in the hall again, "I've got something I must tell you."

I followed him into his ofl5ce. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk. I could see a bottle of Steinhager. He opened it, fetched two glasses and filled them. "Have a drink with me."

"Gladly."

We drank. He filled our glasses again. "I'm happy," he said and sat down.

"So I've noticed."

"I didn't want to tell you at first, because it doesn't really concern you. But I just can't keep it to myself, and since you are interested in my work . . ."

"So tell me. What is it?"

He leaned forward and said solemnly, "We have received money."

"Money?" I repeated, astounded. (I felt I was playing my part very well.) "Where from? How much?"

"All in all, 700,000 schillings," he said, almost in a whisper. "And we have no idea where from. From an anonymous donor."

Quite evidently deeply moved, he took off his glasses and wiped them. "I didn't think things Hke that happened any more."

My heart was beating fast. I had the feeling that one must be able to read on my face where the money came from, I was so excited and suddenly so happy. But I continued to play my game. "Just a minute," I said, frowning, "that's an enormous sum of money."

"It certainly is."

"You're telling me that an unknown donor has presented you with 700,000 schilUngs?"

"Yes, Herr Frank. I'm telling you just that." He emptied his glass again. I could see he was perspiring. He lit a cigarette hastily. "None of us could believe it. We still can't understand it. But it's true."

I closed my eyes. At that moment I would have liked to die. "Congratulations," I said, in a choked voice, and stretched out my hand. He shook it vigorously. Now I could see he wasn't perspiring; those were tears on his cheeks. "Excuse me," he said, wiping them away. "It's stupid of me, I know, but it's because I'm so happy."

"I understand. And ... and what are you going to do with the money?"

He grinned. "Build the hotel, Herr Frank. We'll start right after Christmas. By spring it will be ready."

"But do you have enough money for that?"

"No. But we have almost enough. We can take out a loan for the rest. That'll do it."

"I'm happy for you," I said.

He looked at me. "I believe you, Herr Frank. And do you know what else we're going to do with the money?"

"What?"

"We're going to give a Christmas party," he said gaily. "The biggest and most wonderful Christmas party we've ever had."

And he did just that.

It was a fairy tale Christmas party. There was nothing worldly about it. All the children and their parents were

invited. It took place in the gymnasium. The guests sat at long tressle tables. On a dais stood a Christmas tree with a hundred candles. On the wall behind it, in gold letters, you could read, "Peace on earth. Good will to all men."

There was music. Cake, Hot chocolate. Fruit. And presents. Every child received a bag of candy, a gift certificate for a pair of shoes, another for a dress or suit There were tears of joy and laughter, screams of delight, and deep sighs of satisfaction. The parents sat quietly among their children and smiled at each other. Then the children gave a play. Holy Eve it was called. Martin had a part. He wore a long white beard and was one of the three Magi. When the play was over, everybody applauded, and Martin bowed with the others, again and again. He was still bowing after the others had left the stage and he was standing on it all alone.

I sat in a corner and felt very tired. I thought of all the people I had lost in this year that was coming to an end, and I thought about the fact that this was my last Christmas. My head ached a Uttle, but for the first time I accepted it as something almost pleasurable. It filled me with a deep, sad satisfaction. We knew each other so well by now, this pain and I. If it got worse I would give myself an injection when I got home and sleep.

When the festivities were over, Dr. Freund gave a short speech, then he walked to the door and shook hands with everyone leaving. A few of the women tried to kiss his hand.

At last all of them were gone. The tree, its lights out, stood in the shadows, all the electric lights except one had been turned off. I rose and walked up to Dr. Freund. He was rubbing his hands. "A beautiful evening, wasn't it?"

"A wonderful evening."

"Come on, let's go."

"Dr. Freund," I said, "do you have a little time for me?"

"Of course, Herr Frank. What is it?"

"I want to tell you a story."

"A Story? About Martin?" "No. About me."

He looked at me seriously for quite a long time, then he nodded and closed the door.

"It is my story," I said. "I am a murderer.'*

16

T told him everything, or almost everything. T didn't mention what I had done with the embezzled money. I pretended that I still had it because I was afraid otherwise he wouldn't accept it. But I kept nothing else from him. I talked for an hour. We moved into his office. I sent Martin home. We remained alone; nobody interrupted us, and he never interrupted me, never looked at me once. He smoked and looked away, somewhere into the darkness of the room.

The longer I spoke, the more relieved I felt. It was a matter of complete indifference to me what he would do. An unbearably heavy burden fell from me as I confessed my crimes. I spoke without volition, I had had to be silent for too long. The words formed themselves. I didn't have to think, not of the future, not of the consequences. I didn't even think of Martin anymore. Finally everything was told and I looked up.

Dr. Freund lit another cigarette and said nothing. I looked at him, he looked away. I waited. Still he remained silent.

"I'm finished," I said. "Now it's your turn."

He shook his head slowly. "I am only human, Herf Frank. I can't speak. What am I supposed to tell you?"

"What I should do."

'13ut how can I do that?"

"Tell me what I have to do, and I'll do if

"I can't tell you what to do," he said, "and Fm afraid I can't be of much help to you."

"Are you going to report me?"

"No." Now he was looking at me earnestly. ''My profession has certain similarities with that of a priest. I, too, have to remain silent. All I can advise you is that you do it yourself."

I rose. "I had hoped you would do it for me. I'm too much of a coward. I don't want to be arrested and have to pay for my crimes during these last months I have left to hve."

"You see? Yet you expect me to report you. You should never have told me your story."