I Do Not Sleep (26 page)

‘You’re right, Jamie. I will go to bed.’

He took a small bottle of pills out of his bag, and shook a few into a small brown envelope. ‘Temazepam. Just take one. I’ve given you five in case you can’t sleep for a couple of days.’ He hesitated. ‘Do you want me to call Adam?’

I shook my head. ‘No, thanks. I’ll call him myself when I’ve had a nap.’

Jamie walked to the front door and opened it. ‘Don’t get up,’ he said as I rose from the sofa. But I joined him at the door, clutching the brown envelope he’d given me.

He put a hand on my shoulder, and smiled at me. ‘Don’t give up, Molly,’ he said seriously. ‘Honestly, I do think you’re getting better. After what Annie told you, at least you know you’re not going mad.’

I smiled back at him. ‘Yes, that’s true. But… there’s still Joey.’ I suddenly felt desperately bereft. ‘Will I find him, Jamie? Will I ever know what happened to him?’ I bowed my head, unable to bear the prospect of living with this torment for the rest of my life. Jamie put his hand under my chin and lifted my face up to his. He was looking at me with enormous kindness.

‘I don’t know, Molly. But I will say that, whatever happens, you will get better. We will get you through this, I promise.’

I felt overwhelmed by his warmth. He put his arms around me. I leant my head on his shoulder, and he patted my back. All I could feel was his solid strength, his masculine protectiveness. Adam, I thought. I want you. I looked up at Jamie and suddenly I was kissing him. My lips found his with no thought, just a desperate instinct to feel love.

Jamie stiffened. His protective arms were rigid on my back. He pulled back from my kiss. I was covered in confusion. ‘Jamie, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking…’

He shushed me, taking hold of both my shoulders. ‘Molly, it’s all right. You need affection and strength. Don’t apologise to me, I quite understand; but you really should call Adam and ask him to come back. You need him, and he very much needs you.’ He pecked the top of my head. ‘Go to bed now and take a sleeping pill. I’ll call round tomorrow. If you need me, you’ve got my number.’

And with a reassuring squeeze of my shoulder, he walked down to the path and turned right towards the village.

Chapter Forty

Late in the evening, I was awakened from a deep induced nap by the telephone. Befuddled, I groped for the handset on my bedside table. ‘Hello?’ I croaked.

‘Molly?’ It was Adam. ‘I had a missed call from you.’

‘Oh yes. I remember,’ I said dopily.

‘Are you all right? You sound half asleep.’

‘Sorry, Adam. I was having a nap. I just woke up.’

‘Well, did you want to speak to me?’

‘Yes. I didn’t realise you’d gone back to Manchester.’

‘Yes. I had some things to do. Actually I’ve been making some enquiries. About Ben.’

‘Ben? Really?’

‘I should have done it a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t.’

‘What do you mean, Adam? What have you found out?’

He was quiet for a minute. ‘Look, I don’t want to discuss this over the phone, especially given the way you’ve been lately.’

‘Hysterical, you mean? Yes, I know I have.’

‘Molly, I need to speak to you. I’m coming back to Cornwall tomorrow. I don’t really want to intrude on your precious solitude in Polperro, so I’ll meet you at Coombe.’

I sighed. Adam was right to be cross with me.

He went on. ‘One of the things I’ve found out about Ben I’ll tell you straightaway. Would you believe he lives in Cornwall now? In Polperro, for Christ’s sake? He kept that quiet, didn’t he?’

He paused, obviously expecting as astonished reply from me. He didn’t get one. I simply couldn’t find it in myself to pretend I hadn’t known where Ben lived. I stayed silent.

‘Jesus Christ,’ he said quietly. ‘You knew, didn’t you? How could you know and not tell me?’

‘Because you wouldn’t let me contact him. I told you I needed to speak to Ben again. You more or less forbade me. So I did it anyway. I called his old number, and he picked up. And told me where he’s living.’

‘Have you met him?’

I hesitated, then decided it would be pointless to prevaricate. ‘Yes. I saw him in the Blue Peter.’

‘Oh God, so everyone knows – everyone saw you with him.’

‘What do you mean “everyone knows”? What on earth does it matter? Anyway, only Queenie was in that day, she’s the only person I recognised.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Ben? Nothing.’ I gave a bitter laugh. ‘Absolutely bloody nothing. He said he couldn’t remember anything he hadn’t told us already. He got quite angry; in fact I’d only been talking to him for a few minutes and he practically ran away.’

‘Right. I’m coming back to Coombe tomorrow. Will you meet me there? I’ll call you once I’m on my way.’

‘Yes, I will. Adam…?’

‘What?’

‘Can we be calm about all this when we see each other? I can’t stand the thought of another row.’

‘You’re not the only one.’

I sighed again. ‘OK. I’m sorry to be snappy. I’ll see you tomorrow and we’ll have a proper talk. Try and sort everything out.’

He sounded slightly mollified. ‘Yes. I’ve got quite a lot to tell you, I’m afraid. I hope you won’t be too upset.’

‘I’ll try not to be. I’ll try to be a bit stronger. I really will, Adam.’

His voice softened. ‘OK. Take care, Molly. See you tomorrow.’ He rang off.

I sank back into sleep straightaway. And I dreamed about Adam, and Joey and Danny. When they were children. It was a happy dream. The boys were playing in our garden at home. Adam and I were in each other’s arms.

Chapter Forty-One

Eating my breakfast next morning, I felt warmly happy about seeing Adam later. I was looking forward to having my husband to lean on again. I felt excruciatingly embarrassed about kissing Jamie yesterday, but I rationalised that I’d been emotional and upset, and Jamie’s tall strength had made me think of Adam, and how much I needed his love. I felt quite different about Adam suddenly. I realised that my body was waking up from its long slumber. I wanted my husband; I wanted to feel his arms round me again. And I needed to know what Adam had found out about Ben. My stomach knotted when I thought of him; I dreaded finding out. I sensed that I was getting closer to finding out what had happened to Joey. I wasn’t sure I was ready for it.

The doorbell rang. It no longer chimed the American national anthem. Apparently Hope had insisted on a doorbell app that changed its tune every few days, so I was serenaded by the ethereal tones of
The Little Mermaid
’s signature tune, Ariel trilling breathlessly: ‘Aah-aah-aah, Aah-aah-aah, Aah-aah-aah, Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah.’ I smiled at the thought of Hope’s passion for Disney and things American.

I opened the door and the smile vanished from my face. Josie stood on the porch, her face puffy, her eyes red. She gave me a tremulous nod. I held the door open and she walked in.

‘What is it, Josie?’ I asked as I fetched another mug from the kitchen and poured her a cup of tea.

‘Hope.’ She said briefly. Her throat sounded sore. She took the tea from me, drank a long gulp and said, ‘She’s going into hospital today. I came here because I didn’t want her to see me crying. Sorry.’ And she bent her head and sobbed.

I remembered what Jamie had told me yesterday. I put my arms round Josie and we both sank onto the sofa.

‘Tell me, Josie. Is it bad?’

She nodded. ‘Yes. This time it’s very bad. Her consultant says… her heart’s deteriorated. They’re not sure she’ll… well, they’re operating but they’re not hopeful it will work this time. Oh, Molly, she looks so ill. She can’t breathe properly, and she looks blue. I just can’t bear it.’ She rested her head on my shoulder and wept with an abandonment that broke my heart.

‘Oh, Josie, I’m so sorry.’ I kissed her forehead, and mopped her face with a napkin I’d picked up from the table. ‘Tell me exactly what’s going to happen.’

Josie took a deep breath and blew her nose on the napkin. ‘The ambulance will be here in an hour. They’ll take her to Derriford and probably operate this afternoon. She had a check-up last week. They decided to admit her today for observation, but yesterday she got so ill. Dr Torrance wanted her to go in then, but she begged to stay at home another day. She was so upset, so Tony and I said she could. But she had a really bad night, and when I rang the hospital first thing they said they’d send an ambulance.’ She looked at me, her eyes streaming. ‘Oh, Molly, I think this is it. This is what I’ve always dreaded.’

I recalled what I’d been thinking just before Josie arrived: that I was close to finding out what had happened to Joey. And that may involve facing up to the very worst possibility I had ever imagined. Like Josie, this was what I’d always dreaded.

I hugged my friend tight. ‘You don’t know yet, Josie. It may be all right. They may be wrong about the outcome. They don’t know for sure that the op won’t work, do they? If they thought it was hopeless, then they wouldn’t put her through it, would they?’

Josie nodded, unable to speak, trying to signal she hoped I was right.

‘Listen, Josie. I’ll tell you something a friend said to me before I came down here. He’s a clergyman, a sweet kind person. He told me, “Molly, don’t pay interest on your troubles.” He got through to me. You and I, we have troubles enough. We shouldn’t imagine the worst while there’s still hope. Josie, I’ll help you not to pay interest.’

She gave me a ghostly smile. ‘I’ll help you too, Molly. God bless you.’ She stood up. ‘I’ve got to go. Tony’s sitting with Hope. They both need me. Thank you for listening. I just needed to escape for a minute.’

‘Call me or come round anytime, Josie. If you want me I’ll come right over, it doesn’t matter if it’s day or night.’

She kissed my cheek. ‘Thank you. That means such a lot.’

I watched her go. As she reached the path and turned left towards Emerald Point I saw her lift her head and square her shoulders. There she goes again, I thought. There goes Josie, strong capable Josie, loving mother and tower of strength, whose heart is breaking inside.

I went back to the kitchen and made more tea. I thought about the sadness, the heartache surrounding us. We don’t see most of it. People put on brave faces. People like Josie, finding joy with a daughter she has known since birth could be taken from her at any moment. People like me, teaching my girls, loving their enthusiasm, taking pride in their success, adoring my baby granddaughter, keeping calm and carrying on even though my dreams are wracked with terror and my grief is absolute. Even if Joey were still alive… and here I caught myself. My pattern of thought was changing. I never used to think ‘if’ before we came on this holiday. I always said ‘when’; when I see Joey again, not ‘if’. Something had changed my subconscious. Josie’s visit had made me think of the inevitability of death.

My phone rang. It was Danny. He said Adam had called him to say he was about to leave Manchester, and he expected to arrive in the late afternoon, depending on traffic. Danny asked me to lunch at Coombe, and said he’d pick me up at the big car park at midday.

I looked at my watch. It was only 9.30. I washed up the breakfast dishes, went upstairs and ran a bath.

At midday, I was waiting for my son. I’d picked up a few groceries on the way, and some treats for Edie; strawberries, cream and ice cream, which she loved and couldn’t get enough of. Danny’s car honked at me from the entrance. I got in and he enveloped me in an enormous hug. I found myself smiling with pleasure as we drove to Coombe. I was going back, back to be with my family. How I’d missed them.

Edie and Lola were waiting on the porch as we drove into the little courtyard. I rushed to take the baby in my arms, irrationally afraid she would no longer recognise me. I’d said as much to Danny in the car, and he laughed at me. ‘’Course she will, Mum. It’s not even been a week.’ Had it? To me it felt I’d been away for months. Edie gave me a great big gummy grin and tried to pull my necklace off. I smothered her face with kisses and she chuckled with joy. Deeply happy, I followed Lola inside.

Lunch was a picnic on a rug in the garden. Edie was in seventh heaven; she could now eat and crawl at the same time. During the time I’d been away, she’d begun to pull herself up and totter along while holding onto something – today it was a bench. She pulled herself along, little bare toes squidging the grass, her face full of fierce concentration. When she got to the end, she turned her face to us and crowed with triumph and laughter. I’d never seen a child so excited. She knew she’d achieved something momentous.