I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (16 page)

These shady guys are the ultimate mind-fucks betches must deal with in the dating world. They are not just booty calls, because they say nice shit to you and treat you somewhat like a girlfriend, but will maintain a level of shadiness that keeps you wondering who they’re texting when you’re not around. Enough of this shit. We love mind games, but there is definitely a line that he is crossing with this kind of asshole act. Have some balls, girl, and say what you want. No one likes a coward.

Here are five signs you’ve gotten tangled up with an Almost Boyfriend:

1.
 
He says he doesn’t want a girlfriend, fucking duh.

Look, if this guy flat-out tells you in the beginning that he is not looking for a girlfriend, that is a pretty good indicator of how things are going to go down. This remains true, even if he’s whispering sweet nothings (ew) and making tons of
plans with you. If you think there’s even a chance that you’re going to catch the nastiest disease of the season—one-sided feelings—just bounce before it even gets to that point. We don’t care how well you play the Game or how great your blow jobs are—if he hasn’t decided to make you his girlfriend after three months
max,
he probably never will. When he says, “I don’t want a girlfriend,” he’s really saying, “I don’t want
you
to be my girlfriend.” It’s as simple as that.

2.
 
He doesn’t introduce you to his friends.

If he’s always talking about his friends but you have yet to meet any of them, that is a red flag. Not a red flag like his friends are imaginary (that’s possible, too) but this move is like
Yes, I have a life besides you, and no, you can’t be a part of it.
He probably doesn’t mean this consciously, unless you’re hooking up with a super-villain narcissist, but subconsciously that’s what he’s saying. Get out now.

3.
 
He doesn’t care if you mention or go out with other guys.

If a guy wants to wife you up, he will not be chill with the thought of you flirting with other bros. Of course he wants you to have a life of your own outside your relationship, and he trusts you when you hang out with your guy friends, but if you mention that your trainer looked super hot today and he doesn’t flinch at all, then he probably doesn’t care that much about you. Even more obviously, if he’s talking about dating or going out with other girls in front of you, he doesn’t want to be with you seriously. Note, though, that the opposite of
this doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants you to be his girlfriend—it’s possible for a guy to treat you like shit, but
also
be possessive.

4.
 
He gets really evasive when you try to casually ask where things are going.

This should be an obvious one, but if you’ve tried the “LOL the other day my mom saw your pic and asked if you were my boyfriend and it got me thinking . . . ” and he just aborted the fuck out of that mission, that doesn’t mean he didn’t understand what you were getting at and you need to have a sit-down talk. It means he quickly apprehended and dodged that bullet because he does not want to have that DTR convo, maybe because he does not want to DTR. If he’s avoiding commitment talk more fervently than a
Say Yes to the Dress
marathon he is just not that into you. Sorry, no offense, but it’s true.

5.
 
He lets you go too easily.

If you’ve broken things off, and he was just like,
Let’s be friends
and
Do what you’ve got to do
(ugh), it’s a sign you should go running—in the opposite direction. If a bro likes you and sees somewhat of a future, even if it’s a date to his cousin’s wedding, he’s not going to give you up without a fight. That is, he’ll ask you to clarify what went wrong and try to rectify the situation, not accept it faster than you can write a term paper on Adderall.

If any of these signs look familiar, he’s an Almost Boyfriend and it’s time to cut this guy out of your life. The longer
you let this guy linger, the harder it will be to get over him and move on to guys who actually want to be with you. It’s obviously easier said than done, but so is anything worth doing (see also: planning a trip to Belize, perfecting your maid of honor speech, finding the right manicurist). You want a guy who is fully into you and who feels lucky to be with you. If he’s wavering, it means he’s not “fuck yes,” so don’t even waste your precious time on him.

Warning: Once this guy realizes you are moving on, he may up his game and try to get you back. The thing about guys who don’t want to commit to you is that they’re equally unable to commit to NOT being with you. Once he feels you pulling away, like clockwork, he shows more interest. If this is the case, his failure to commit is more about his own personal issues with commitment and intimacy and less to do with him not liking you, but that’s not your problem. His issues are his own shit to work out and betches don’t have time to deal with someone else’s indecisiveness or relationship problems. Don’t fall for that. Remember what Maya Angelou said.

All the fugly people of today’s generation complain about how our dating culture is on the verge of extinction because of how many weird “in-between” labels have developed. In fact,
Vanity Fair
basically dubbed Tinder as the downfall of modern dating and an end to monogamy. It states that online and app dating have caused men to stop treating women like
priorities and instead like swipe-a-fucks, who are replaceable and unimportant. In our opinion, this is only true if you let it be true. Men will treat you with the respect you demand. If you’re fucking any guy that buys you a drink on a Tinder date, this may ring true for you. If you’re selective about getting to know people and eliminate the assholes who are just there for ass, this need not apply to you.

There’s talking, there’s together, there’s exclusive, there’s dating. But what they’re not saying is that these types of relationships are becoming prevalent because we’re allowing them to be. So what people need to do is have some balls and speak up for what they want. Maintaining an air of mystery and not giving a shit are musts, but when it comes to acting like Almost Boyfriends are acceptable then you need to participate in a new kind of Ice Bucket Challenge (#tbt). The cause is called WAKE THE FUCK UP. Dump some ice-cold water on your head and stop being an idiot.

You shouldn’t be tolerating in-between behavior. It’s totally okay to have a bro you like to hook up with when you’re bored and no one else is around—that’s what we call a back-burner bro—as long as both you and he have a mutual understanding of what your relationship is and definitely isn’t. But it’s not okay to lie to yourself and say you’re completely fine being just friends with benefits when you actually want more. Own your feelings. It’s lame and pathetic to lie to all your friends and yourself. Once you recognize that you’ve emotionally masturbated this guy into someone whom he will never be and that he is simply not that into you, you only have one option: Cut the cord.

Say no when he suggests canceling your dinner date to watch a movie. Turn off the Taylor Swift and ignore his Snapchats and Instagram likes. Ignore his eleven p.m. texts suggesting that you “should chill this weekend” that never prompt any follow-up plan-making texts. Remind yourself every time you get a seemingly random check-in that you deserve to be someone’s priority, and this bro obviously has not made you his.

This guy can tell you a hundred times over that you are witty, gorgeous, smart, kind, sexy, fun, and every other adjective for amazing, but you have to believe it and accept it yourself. If you truly believe you have these qualities, you won’t fall victim to guys who use their words instead of actions to convey their feelings. Talk is literally the cheapest thing you can do. It costs no money and requires no effort. Words are bullshit. If you really want to see if a guy is into you, look at his actions. You want to be with someone who takes your life into consideration, who plans dates ahead of time, who goes out of his way to be present in your life. If they don’t demonstrate that they think they are lucky to be with you, you will never be treated the way you deserve to be.

You need to acknowledge all the moving pieces in this puzzle of your pseudo relationship with him and learn from it for future relationships. Figure out what it is about this guy that makes him a bad match for you and the reasons behind why you’re attracted to guys like him in the first place. Next time you’ll be smarter about the guys you let yourself have feelings for. If you do it right, these realizations and growth will be big stepping-stones in your life, and you will
use your experience with him in so many more ways than you can even imagine right now.

Finally, delete his fucking texts, e-mails, and notes. Believe us, the word “ ’sup” doesn’t magically change into “I’ve loved you all along” after the fifth read. Don’t tell all your friends that you’re done with him. They don’t give a shit. Just be done with him. Be confident, brave, and independent. Don’t look back, Betch, you’re on to better things.

So WTF do you actually
do
while dating a guy who hasn’t agreed to be your boyfriend? Good question. The most important thing: Continue to date other people. You’re not exclusive yet? Date other people. Are you like, not sure if you’re exclusive? Date other people. Did you DTR, but he pretended not to hear you and asked to see another picture of your cat? Date other people.

Dating others benefits you in many ways. Namely: 1. You will be distracted from Bro One’s lack of attention for you; 2. Because you will be distracted, you won’t give him as much attention, making him believe you’re not that into him; 3. If he somehow finds out that you are seeing someone else, he will become jealous and he will become even more into you than before.
³
When dating a guy you really like, nothing narrows your perspective more than not having back-up bros to think about.

Second to dating others is focusing your energy on something other than men. Don’t stress about bros 24/7. Don’t think if you don’t have a boyfriend today you won’t be engaged in two years. Don’t shush people because it’s noon and you need to concentrate on your new Hinge matches. Love happens the same way as the lottery and herpes: when you least expect it. So chill the fuck out, sign up for aerial yoga, join a gym and never go, or try SoulCycle three times then yell off the rooftops how riding a yellow bike to nowhere has changed your entire life.

But for fuck’s sake, stop obsessing over that one guy who said hi to you that one time. It reeks of desperation and no perfume can cover up that stank.

Third on this list of shit to do so you don’t die alone is giving into the Game (but realizing that it’s actually only a game). We went into a lot of detail about the rules of playing the Game in
Nice Is Just a Place in France,
but a lot has changed since 2013. Either society has changed in the last few years (example: with iPhone texting becoming more like a chat, it’s now okay to double text within a thirty-second span of time) or we have gained a slightly more mature (key: slightly) perspective on life. Either way, the Game exists for a reason: to play it.