I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (11 page)

No relationship (postcollege) could exist without a first date. Whether you met through a friend, at a bar, or through Instagram comments, you two will exchange numbers and make plans to get to know each other further. But that’s where things get murky. How does he ask you out? Where does he take you? What do you wear? What if he wears Crocs? Don’t cry sad, sad girl, we’re here to help.

Assuming there’s no awkward texting dynamic and the bro promptly asks you when you’re free for a date, you should never accept the first day he suggests unless that’s literally the only time you can swing. Remember, you’re busy as fuck. Just because what you’re busy with is an ABC Family Movie marathon is no reason to accept the first date he proposes. He doesn’t need to know what you’re doing, only that you’re in demand. So, suggest a different day and if he can’t do that then agree to the next one he suggests. Make it work but don’t be so amenable that you appear desperate for male interaction. That’s what Tinder is for.

The first few dates should try to be scheduled for weekdays because you have a shit-ton of other important fun stuff to do on a Friday night with your friends besides waste it meeting a guy whom you barely know for a drink. You only get two weekend nights per week. Think about who really deserves them. You’ll know you really give a fuck about a guy when you’re actually willing to forgo your bestie’s thousandth Saturday night pregame to let him take you to dinner.

Finally, the day of your date has arrived and the worst has happened. You have no fucking idea what to wear! Take
a minute to breathe. This is the moment you have been preparing for at yogalates. You can do this. Here’s what you do:

1.
 
Don’t go too fancy.
You don’t want him to think you bought an entire new outfit for this occasion. I mean, you probably did but, again, the less he knows the better. If you’re going to wear a dress or a skirt, make sure the heels are casual. Tight jeans with a tank or top that you sleep in will do. And wear something you’re comfortable in so that you don’t spend the entire night fidgeting, making sure the button on your top doesn’t bust into his eyeball. But remember, “comfortable” never means you’ve fallen into the Gap.

2.
 
Don’t go too slutty.
Key word here is “too.” Don’t wear a turtleneck, but don’t wear a crop top with low-rise shorts, either. Find a chic medium that shows skin but leaves room for the imagination. The goal here is that if there’s a lull in the conversation, he won’t notice because he’ll be wondering what your cleavage leads to. If he can basically see what your nipples look like, well, then he’s probably not going to notice the lull, either, because he’ll be too focused on getting rid of his boner.

3.
 
Don’t go all Kardashian Glam Squad.
Never wear too much makeup on the first date. Unless he’s
Helen Keller’s cousin with similar vision impairment issues, he will always notice and will equate slathering it on with insecurities. Did you ever wonder why men don’t watch
Real Housewives
? It’s because Teresa Giudice’s face looks more overdone than the phrase “sorry not sorry.” Get that shit down to clear, even, bronzed skin, natural blush, with some subtle eye shadow and eyeliner, and either a trendy dark lip or a light-pink gloss. If you have serious issues and don’t know how to tone it down, then we don’t know what to tell you. Watch YouTube?

Now that you look fucking amazing it’s time for the highly anticipated date. Everyone knows there’s a lot that can go wrong on a first date, but let’s just say for the sake of this example he’s good looking, arrives on time, you arrive five minutes late, the place he chose has excellent lighting, and the vodka sodas are flowing. It’s now up to your interaction and chemistry to make tonight go as smoothly as possible.

How much to drink:
Two drinks, min to max. You should probably have two drinks to minimize awkwardness and maximize flirtation. No one will judge you for having two drinks, but if you’re like,
Yeah keep them coming
and by the end of
the night are walking around the city barefoot asking if he minds that you unhook your bra
because it’s like, soooooo uncomfortable
, maybe keep two drinks as your maximum. If you guys happen to hit it off and go to another place for some more drinks, be mindful of your tolerance and suggest getting some food so that you do not drink yourself into a ditch or worse, his bed.

The Conversation:
First dates shouldn’t be hard for you as all you have to do is talk about yourself. Okay, fine. That’s not
all
you have to do. The key is to create a balance of you and him. If he keeps asking questions then reciprocate. Keep it light. Seem interested, but don’t seem like a stalker. Don’t ask what his name is again or what his tax refund was last year. You can ask him things like, does he like dogs, what bars does he like, what are his favorite movies, blah blah blah. And please, don’t get deep into topics that you don’t know shit about like the stocks he’s trading or like, politics.

How to Act:
Be flirtatious and maintain eye contact. Remember, you’re on a date, not a business meeting. If you’re not a naturally personable human, then pretend like you’re on
The Bachelor
and “open up” or “let your guard down” or some shit like that. And if you’re not Zooey-Deschanel-endearing-awkward and like, just fucking plain awkward, we
suggest drinking
a little
more. That usually keeps you from looking at everything but the guy sitting across from you and knocking almost everything off the dinner table. If you’re at a bar, don’t look at the TV with the game on and don’t underestimate the power of a subtle arm-touch.

The Check:
You should never visibly expect him to pay. That’s plain rude. If the date went well, every betch should do the Courtesy Fumble. Fumble through your bag for your wallet until he says something about not letting you pay. Give him some time to say, “What are you doing? Please, I got this.” You should then proceed with “Oh, thanks so much!” and that’ll be the end of the awkward bill discussion. ALWAYS
offer,
as in like, every time. It’ll show you have class and aren’t Courtney Stodden.

The Courtesy Fumble is all about the gesture, but nothing more. If he lets you take your card out and put it on the table, don’t fight him about it (unless you have no money in your account, in which case you shouldn’t even offer, you broke biatch). He clearly is a cheap bastard and isn’t interested in impressing you at all. If he doesn’t realize what a Courtesy Fumble is and actually lets you pay on a first date you need to dump his ass. Be cordial and then proceed to never answer his calls ever again.

Guys love to be like,
but, feminism!
But we’re like,
but, courtship . . . romance . . . chivalry . . . etc.
If the guy doesn’t
want to pay for the woman at least on a first date, he doesn’t value romance or care about impressing you. Sure we’re empowered as fuck and could pay for our own drinks if we want to. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to be treated like the queens that we are. No guy worth his weight in boat shoes is going to expect you to split the bill until at least the fourth date.

Ending the date:
The date isn’t officially over until you two are not physically together anymore, so there’s a lot that can happen between the check and the hug and/or kiss good-bye. Maybe you guys go to a couple more places, maybe you walk around, maybe you leave it there and you go get fucked up with your friends. All that is obviously great, but the most important takeaway here is to leave the date while it’s still going strong. You want him to want to see more of you, not feel like he’s already seen enough. Say something like “I had so much fun tonight but have to go home because I have early brunch with my fam tomorrow.” This makes you seem cute because you’re a family girl and like brunch. Also, you’re ending the date leaving him wanting more. Bottom line: Say no to drinks on his apartment roof deck. The only way that shit will end is you sneaking out of his apartment with makeup all over your face, unable to find the Uber app on your phone because you’re so hungover, and wishing you had left more to the imagination.

If the good-bye leads to a kiss then don’t resist if you’re into him. If you’re not into him, avoid the awkwardness of him going for it by moving your face pretty far to the left and
preemptively going in for a hug. Just don’t turn this into a handshake or back pat. God help you if you’re that awkward. If you like him, definitely go for it. With a few drinks in you, a kiss can give you a good sense of how this guy is in bed. If he’s super smooth, then hope he thought you were the same. If he’s about as spastic as someone on bath salts, well, run the fuck home. The date is over.

If you and/or the person you are dating don’t feel amazing about each other in the early stages, it’s best to cut the cord as soon as possible. Blogger Mark Manson’s Fuck Yes theory posits, “If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.” The Fuck Yes theory is the idea that if you or the person you are dating don’t each feel like “fuck yes,” then you’re both wasting your time. While we believe dating is a little more complicated than that, the general theory holds true. If you’ve been going around in circles trying to figure out if a guy likes you for more than three weeks it’s not fucking worth it. When you’re going to enter a relationship it’s pretty clear very early on if two people are really into each other. Sure, playing it cool is encouraged and necessary in the beginning, but after a small cautionary period, if someone isn’t really into you they’re never going to be.