I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (8 page)
Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
He asks for your number too soon.
Read: This is always so uncomfortable. You want to say no but you know you’ll probably give it to him later. If you feel okay giving your
number then go for it, but if you don’t then say something like: “Ah, I’m not huge on giving out my number before talking to someone for a bit. Hope that’s okayyyy.” You seem normal and apprehensive, which are two good qualities for a person to have. If he brushes you off and stops responding, he’s def a freak who would have sent you dick pics anyway.
He takes twenty years to respond.
Read: Fuck this guy. Everyone has a life, but if he’s not interested enough to respond to you within one to two days then why message you to begin with. You also have a life, but a guy who waits a week to respond isn’t worth your time.
He gets to know you a little (one to two days of messages) and then asks you out.
Read: This is good. Go with this.
A Note on Messaging First:
This is entirely situational, and by situational we mean, the only situation in which you should do this is if there’s a killer in your house and the guy coincidentally lives nearby so you need him to like, help. The other situation is that if he has texted you first three times in a row and you want to show him that you’re interested and that you’re not a completely horrible person.
On whichever app or site you choose, it’s crucial that you portray yourself in the best yet still honest light.
Choosing pictures:
The pictures you post are the most important because that’s really all people have to go on when dating online. Always choose three to four photos. Two is too little, five is too many. Your main should be you alone looking super hot or like,
really
pretty. The main pic is to catch a guy’s attention, look at the camera, smile, and don’t include four of your hot friends in this photo. If you think a pic of you looking down reading a book is going to catch his attention then you should probably switch to LibrariansSeekingSoulmates.com. This probably doesn’t exist, but if it did the small talk would be super pretentious.
The next should be a full body shot of you either cut out from a picture with your friends or a “funny” candid.
Don’t post pictures of you posing alone.
It’s just weird. It may have been funny in context, but it’s definitely super loser-y out of it. And after that you should definitely include pictures of you looking like you do other things besides stalk Instagram and get blackout drunk. We suggest skiing, painting, or riding a horse.
A very important side note:
Your pictures should be recent and at normal angles in which you do not look four sizes smaller than you are. No guy will ever say to his friends, “Yeah she totally catfished me, like forty pounds heavier than in her
pics, but her personality blew me away.” This only happens in romantic comedies and your dreams. You don’t want to date a guy who doesn’t like what you look like anyway, so why hide? If you’re overweight, guys who are into that will message you. If you don’t like those types of guys, go on a fucking diet. It’s not science. Rule of thumb: You always want to be hotter in person than you appear in your pictures.
Writing a profile:
Obviously, the profile only applies to sites that require you to write one. Either way, don’t stress about it because a guy who thinks you look super hot in your pics will never say
ehhh but she’s a PA, I only really date doctors
. With profiles, less is much, much more. Don’t write an essay about how you felt after your parents’ divorce in ’02. Write the facts and one sort of funny joke. Let them know you’re lighthearted and don’t take this shit too seriously. You’re a betch, you have other things to do besides sit around and apply for a boyfriend. Write a few lines about yourself and run it by a friend. If she says you sound like a delusional maniac, rewrite. Then leave it alone. See? It’s simple.
“Guys don’t care what you do. A guy could be talking to two women at a party, and one is beautiful and just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, and the other is just slightly hotter and like, has a job interview at H&M in the morning. And 10 times out of 10, you know how that’s going to go.”
—Amy Schumer
So yeah, the good news is that whatever you do for a living probably isn’t going to affect your datability, unless you’re a hooker or something. And even then . . .
Do Guys Care About Your Job? by Head Pro
No! Well, not really. Linking suitability as a mate to one’s employment is still a distinctly masculine idea, like pretending that fantasy football is actually fun or never washing our sheets. Despite women embarking on long and fruitful careers for the better part of a century at this point, your career doesn’t matter much to us in terms of how fuckable you are, the way ours do for you. You’ll be very disappointed if you convince yourself your career in marketing is what makes you datable, only to discover he’s been banging a tollbooth attendant behind your back.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a job, and one you care about—ambition is a very sexy quality, and bodes well for other aspects of a potentially successful relationship. Just don’t make the mistake guys do by going into a field thinking it will score you tons of prospects, or assuming you’re undatable because you work in retail. It’s
very
rare for a guy to shy away from a girl due to her “station” in life. I mean, a quick scan of the number of waitresses and yoga instructors among the female contestants on
The Bachelor
will clue you in to the importance most men place on things like jobs that require a bachelor’s degree. When it does, it usually has more to do with her family’s socioeconomic standing than what she actually does for a living.
When it comes to online dating, you’re going to inevitably wind up going on a ton of shitty dates with guys you regret having wasted an ounce of your Chanel mascara on. But dating is really a numbers game, and using the Internet to meet more men ups your chances of meeting someone you really like. It’s tempting to want to come home and check out with a bottle of wine and an
Us Weekly
after a long day pretending to do work at the office, but resist that urge. You can’t win if you’re not in the game.
That being said, treat online dating as a fun, light distraction from your regular week. Make sure you’re still maintaining your social life and don’t ever cancel an actual fun event or happy hour so you can meet a stranger you met on the Internet. Treat dating like you would any other aspect of your life, casually. There will be some good times and some bad times, but the best part of going on a ton of shitty first dates is that you don’t have to pay for any of them.
You’ve got a lot of shit going on in your life. If you happen to meet a surprisingly cute, interesting rando online whom you wouldn’t have met otherwise because your resting betch face is too intimidating at the bars, online dating has worked its magic. Plus, what else are you doing on a Tuesday night?
What Guys Think of Your Profile by Head Pro
Online dating is like signing Ellen DeGeneres to be the face of CoverGirl Cosmetics: Seemingly insane, but surprisingly effective. By now just about all of us have dabbled in online dating in one form or another, and that’s great. After all, “online dating” really just means using the Internet as a way to meet people in real life. If we use the Internet for ordering groceries, takeout, and dildos, why not use it to order up someone to fuck, right? If for whatever reason it still sounds unappetizing to you, consider this: People tend not to hide their crazy on the Internet. If a guy talks about being “red pill” or “alpha” and has strong opinions about how women in the workplace are ruining things for men, he’s a lot more likely to express those sentiments up front online than he is in person. It’s a lot better to find these things out right away, rather than three dates in when you’re chained to someone’s radiator, left to contemplate the series of decisions that led you to that moment.
Most online dating seems pretty straightforward, but as with oral sex and pronouncing the word “aluminum” in the UK, people manage to fuck up the simplest things. The universe of online dating profiles is a triage room of banal biographies, uninteresting “interests,” and photos of people taken during the W. administration. It’s no surprise, then, that the online dating experience often leaves people feeling like they
just masturbated during a church service—sullied and only half fulfilled. But your online dating experience doesn’t have to suck, provided you can make your profile not suck. And you can, in fact, make your profile suck-free, provided you adhere to the following guidelines for what guys look for in online dating profiles.
Screen Name
Surprisingly, this matters. Researchers at Queen Mary University of London found that generally, screen names beginning with letters in the first half of the alphabet are more successful. Avoid words with negative connotations (“little,” “chubby,” etc.), and the same research showed that men are more likely to click on names containing words referencing physical attractiveness. “LawSkewlCutie” is okay, “TinyStripper91,” not so much.
Pictures
You definitely want to have some, and it should go without saying that they should represent what you look like right now. People constantly try to fudge their pictures, which is dumb. Here’s a secret: Unless you’re planning a date with Stevie Wonder, guys will know if you lied with your pictures. As far as what goes on in those pictures, a UConn study found that women with “altered” photos (that is, enhanced by using makeup, favorable lighting, etc.) consistently scored
higher in terms of attractiveness and dating desirability—so slap on some makeup. It’s also a good idea to have pictures of you having a good time with other people. I would avoid, however, pictures of you surrounded by nothing but dudes. While you may feel like it shows how desirable you are, all it does is make most guys imagine you fucking each of those other guys, either one by one or in a big, delightful orgy.
Profile
Try not to be generic. For as much as women like talking about themselves, they’re pretty bad at doing it in writing. Every girl’s profile is something like this:
“I love traveling and trying new foods, but more than anything I love laughing with my friends. I’m as comfortable going out on the town as I am staying in and snuggling. I love having fun and being silly, but I have a serious side, too. I’m looking for a man who can make me laugh, support me when I cry, and be my partner in crime.”
OMG WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!! No shit, everyone likes/is looking for those things. In trying to be broad and all-encompassing in your description, you’ve actually managed to say nothing. It’s not the easiest thing to do, but put some effort into it. What inspires you? What gets you out of bed in the morning? What are your hobbies/interests (other than judging people)? If you don’t have any
passions, that’s probably why you’re single. Become interesting.
Your best bet is to be honest about yourself (within reason). If you’re like, into zip-lining through the jungle while listening to Elton John at full volume, say that. Other, more personal things, though, are probably best kept off the Internet. If you think that Adolf Hitler was “just really misunderstood,” maybe save that tidbit for later. But in general, there’s nothing to be gained by portraying yourself as something you’re not.
Shit Crazy Bitches Do: Write Insane Dating Profiles
You can always smell a crazy desperate girl a mile away by simply looking at her online dating bio. Phrases like “not being like other girls,” “not looking for just a hookup,” or “XYZ need not apply” are massive red flags that this girl is damaged and certifiable. By coming off insanely aggressive in their profiles, they appear desperate and not as though they’re here to have fun and meet new people. Even if you’re not looking to make new friends, your dating profile should never imply that you’re here for a ring or you need to GTFO. Relax, bitch, why so serious?
When Is It Okay for Me to Hit On a Guy? by Head Pro
Guys are the ones historically charged with initiating an interaction. Believe me when I say it would be awfully nice if we could just buck convention and have girls sidling up next to us at bars instead of vice versa. And I’m sure it would be equally nice if, instead of twirling your hair around your finger until it falls off waiting for a guy to notice you, you could just roll up and be all “ ’sup, bro?” (clearly I have no idea what female pickup lines sound like). Sadly, this is not the case. In our little corner of the world, it’s the men who do all the “hey baby”-ing, and it’s rare indeed for women to be the initiators.
What the fuck, who are you to tell me my role in society, this is a free fucking country,
you might be fuming, to which I say, you’ve got a lot of nerve getting all worked up over a book you’re reading at the Starbucks inside the last surviving Barnes & Noble. But, yes, we live in a free country, and you’re
technically
free to hit on guys the same way you’re
technically
free to pick your nose on the subway or use the n-word in casual conversations. That doesn’t mean those are good ideas, though.
But! As you may have guessed from the heading of this section, there do happen to be some times when it’s okay (or even preferable) for a girl to be the one to say, “Come here often?” even if the response is “Christ, lady, this is an abortion
clinic, that was totally inappropriate.” Here are the times and places when you should go for it:
Time is of the essence:
Any time you’re somewhere where there’s a legitimate chance you may never see this person again (vacation, visiting friends out of town, etc.) and if you see a guy who catches your eye but who hasn’t noticed you yet, there’s no harm in taking a chance. I mean, if you crash and burn, it’s not like anyone you know is there to see it.
He’s alone but you aren’t:
Real talk, a lot of guys can be intimidated by groups of women. They shouldn’t be, but a lot of times men simply assume that they’ll be shut down by the group. If you’re failing to make it clear that you’d like him to approach, but you’ve exchanged some looks that indicate the interest is mutual, it’s fine to break away from the herd and say hi yourself.
Any place where it’s mostly men:
Here’s a secret—promoters don’t try to fill clubs with mostly women just because they like the look of thirty women in the tiniest dresses they own; they also do it because men aren’t super comfortable in a sausage fest. Male-dominated spaces are charged, tense atmospheres, like places showing big sporting events. Rejoice in having your pick of the litter, and strategically position yourself near the dude who caught your eye.
Bonus: Assuming you’re also there to watch the game, you have an instant conversation topic.
Any time he’s on your turf:
Or, to put it another way, any time your “status” is higher than his. Obviously if you’re some kind of celebrity, first of all thanks for reading, but also assume that any guy in attendance is imagining your six-foot-five, 240-pound combination-Navy-SEAL-theoretical-physicist boyfriend waiting to ambush any asshole who hits on you. For you nonfamous plebes, this refers to any time you’re running the show—parties in your honor, social events you’re hosting, that kind of thing.
You’re winging for a fellow betch:
The point of winging is not to sit there and barely tolerate it as your friend chats up guys, but to actually complement her in doing so. Sitting there rolling your eyes while your friend and the guy she just did a shot with suck face doesn’t make you a good wingbetch, it makes you a particularly burdensome accessory. Take a cue from guys and “jump on the grenade”—that is, chat up his friend and try to have fun. You never know what might happen.
Obviously, all of these situations involve you being the one to initiate conversation, not jump in his lap. From there, it’s still up to him to prove his worth. Don’t freak out if you take a chance once in a while and it doesn’t work out (e.g., he’s not feeling it, has a girlfriend, you’re actually a giant anthropomorphic
sea cucumber, etc.). Even the best hitters strike out about 70 percent of the time.
Dealbreakers for Guys
What the shit? You just finished the chapter where you learn where you
might
meet guys, and you’re worrying about “dealbreakers”? Tell me, are you also the kind of person who’s so uptight that you make a “grilled cheese” in the microwave because your schedule is so jam-packed? You should lighten up. But fine, here are some things, I guess, that could be considered “dealbreakers” by the men you haven’t even met yet.
Don’t:
•
Wear socks with sandals.
•
Have the Miley Cyrus haircut.
•
Be obviously and outwardly way too into soccer (if you’re from anywhere other than the United States, replace “soccer” with “baseball”).
•
Smell like Tabasco sauce.
•
Be Miley Cyrus.
•
Burp the alphabet in public.
*
•
Wear a shirt with any iteration of “Keep Calm and [Verb] On.”
•
Be the guy’s sister.
**
•
Sing any of the following at karaoke: “Baby Got Back,” “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
•
Publicly proclaim that Taylor Swift “really gets me.” (We know she does, calm down.)
•
Flirt at a wedding at which you are the bride.
***
*
Does not apply if you’re under age twelve.
**
Does not apply in . . . nope, not gonna do it. Too easy.
***
Negotiable.
