I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (9 page)

Dear Betches,

So here is my dilemma. I just got back from a two-week vacation in Paris for a cousin’s wedding and general drinking/shopping. During one of my last nights there, I met a strapping young lad at a local pub. He’d been living in Paris for a couple months on some sort of sabbatical for his job. Wasn’t really paying attention, I literally got lost in his eyes. His mouth was moving, but all I was thinking about was how he would look naked in my bed. Safe to say, we got along swimmingly, he is actually
Il est adorable
(see what I did there?). So, we are a couple drinks in and well into a deep flirty conversation about past relationships when my aunt spots us and heads over. (She’s not like, a regular aunt, she’s a cool aunt.) First thing she says? “Oh lovely! You guys have met! You know you’re second cousins, right?”

PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I heard a huge screeching halt sound in my head. What in the actual fuck? As I’m sure you can imagine, it totally killed our vibe, and we couldn’t really look each other in the eye after that. Anyway here is my question. He added me on Facebook and we have been chatting here and there. Definitely holding back, but still sort of flirting. Is it nasty that I still want to hook up with him despite the fact that we basically share the same blood? Because like, there’s your cousins . . . and then there’s your first cousins . . . wait that’s not right, is it . . . ?

HELP ME. HE’S SO HOT. WHAT DO I DO?!?

Sincerely,

Kissing Cousins

Dear Kissing Cousins,

I’m going to ignore your annoying
il est adorable
statement and just chalk it up to you being slightly nuts, which you’d have to be if you’re really considering pursuing a relationship with your cousin. Now, it’s not even like you’re in the territory of fourth or fifth cousins where you have no idea how you’re even related, second cousins are very simple to understand. They’re the children of your parents’ cousins. It’s fucking creepy. Plus, this guy lives in Paris. Are you telling me that the dating pool where you live is so small that you’re actually considering entering a long distance relationship with a person with whom you would probably wind up producing special needs children? What are you going to tell your kids? That mommy and daddy have the same great-grandparents because, well, blah blah blah Habsburg princes did it blah blah? No. Just no.

It’s fine to think your second cousin is hot, but just stay away from that shit. Aside from the creepy aspect of sharing the same bloodline, do you want to get into something with someone who’s going to be at every family function for the rest of your life after you inevitably stop hooking up/hanging out/discussing the fact that you share the same ancestry? This isn’t fucking
Game of Thrones.
If you’re looking to meet guys, take up a new hobby or hit the bars, not your goddamn family reunion.

Sincerely,

The Betches

SPARK NOTES

Once you feel good about yourself, it’s time to get out there and meet new people who can actually enjoy those thighs you spent the last six months sculpting in barre class.

Here are some take-home points from this chapter that you should remember before embarking on the agonizing yet sometimes amazing world of dating.

•
 Your goal when going out should never be to meet a guy. It should be to have fun with your friends. No one likes a girl who seems like she’s trying to get fucked.

•
 It’s much easier to meet a quality guy in person when you’re not blacked out. If you can’t have a few drinks without losing your right contact lens and left shoe, try meeting guys through some sober activities that you enjoy.

•
 Give online dating a try. It opens you up a shit-ton of more possibilities and the more people you date the more likely you are to meet someone you actually like. Math, it’s like, not just for tricking Aaron Samuels into liking you.

•
 Know what you’re getting yourself into when you choose a site or app to meet people on. Not all ways of hooking up are created equal.

•
 Be strategic when creating your dating profile but also don’t seem like you actually give a shit. It’s an art.

T
he best thing to remember about the start of any flirtation (online or IRL) or relationship is that the way it begins is the way it will end—if you let a guy fuck around and be wishy-washy from the start, that will set the tone for all your future dates (if you even get any, loser).

The key to solid flirtation is to be just communicative enough that you’re alluring without coming off as a nasty bitch. However, don’t be so talkative that he thinks he can chat with you all day without taking you on a date. You’re a betch and you have shit to do, and running a pro bono text therapy service isn’t on your to-do list. If a guy wants your attention, he needs to buy you dinner or at least some drinks. So how do you take it from flirting to dating?

If you meet a guy at a bar, most of the time you should not be the one approaching him unless you’re feeling especially bold and you’re really in a mind-set where you don’t give a shit about the possibility of him turning you down or about running the risk that he’s fugly up close. Approaching guys should really only be done if the guy seems worth it, a.k.a. he’s known to be shy or like, you run into Ryan Gosling at SoulCycle. So, minus those exceptions, the key, obvs, is to get the guy to approach you. There are a few things you should have locked down when you go out hoping to meet guys.

Eye Contact:
This one is really fucking important as very few bros will just approach a random out of nowhere with absolutely zero sign she’s into him. If you’re hot enough, most of the time all it takes is a good ten-second eye-fuck to get a guy to approach you, and tbh it’s really more like three seconds.

If you’re staring at a guy for ten seconds without so much as an acknowledgment, what exactly is it about Ray Charles that makes him so attractive to you? If you’re not looking cute you might have to rely on an intro or “accidentally” bumping into him while getting a drink. But I’d be careful with the latter because this usually doesn’t happen as suavely as it does in the movies. In real life, because you’re thinking about what you’re about to do, you will bump into him too lightly, he won’t feel it, and you’ll be in a weird limbo of deciding whether you should do it again and won’t realize you’re awkwardly still standing next to him, mumbling to
yourself. Or, because you’re so concentrated on getting his attention you’ll bump into him so hard that the only response you’ll get is “Watch where you’re going, Shrek.” If you’re not hot, try smiling.

Smiling:
True, most betches have mastered the art of a resting bitch face, but try to make an exception when at the bars with your friends and there’s a guy nearby whom you’d like to approach you. Girls who smile are more approachable. That said, there are plenty of guys who will be intrigued by your miserable face and will find a challenge in approaching the unapproachable like, “You don’t look like you’re having fun,” or some other annoying pickup line. Avoid those men. They’re not interested in you, they’re just mistaking your misery for low self-esteem and figure you’ll be an easy lay. Again, the uglier you are, the more important smiling will be.

There are two types of smilers in this world. The Julia Robertses and the Kristen Stewarts. Julia will smile and the entire room lights up. Kristen on the other hand will smile and it’s a crapshoot. If she’s genuinely happy, her smile will make her look even prettier. If she’s forcing it, though, she’ll look like she just realized she needs to put in a tampon. Know which you are. If you’re a KStew, smiling at guys across a room is almost always unnatural and awkward. So here’s a super-useful tip: Stop ignoring everything your friend is saying for just a minute and engage, genuinely laugh at what they say and then, as your laugh transitions into a smile, glance over at the guy and stay on him for two
seconds. When you feel your fake happiness start to fade, immediately look away and continue as you were, fake listening to your bestie.

Three Besties or Less Rule:
If you’re going out with a ginormous fucking gaggle of girls and you’re all huddled in the corner, no guy is going to approach any of you. Why would he risk embarrassing himself in front of twelve hot girls? It’s rare that a guy has enough confidence to do this and if he does, he’s most likely a huge douche lord. And if he doesn’t, he’s afraid that when he tries to say hello you’re going to roll your eyes in his face and when he walks away, all sad and shit, your friends are all going to laugh at him in unison. I mean, who’s he kidding? Less far-fetched things have happened.

If you’re trying to get a guy to hit on you, chill with no more than two girls at a time and preferably just one wingwoman. No one is trying to earn the nickname “awkward bar creeper” because he got shot down in front of judgmental assholes, a.k.a. your BFFs.

The Ideal Wingbetch:
The ideal wingwoman genuinely wants you to meet a guy and hopes for the best for you. She’s not afraid to (privately) tell you when you’re being a bitch or too fucked up to function and will tell any guy who flirts with you how amazing you are (subtly, of course, you don’t want these bros to think the two of you are dating). Beware of the wingwoman who “secretly” hopes for your failure and will try to cock-block or sabotage your chances
with a guy because she’s jealous of you, can’t help her endless thirst for male attention, or is just selfishly trying to keep you unattached.

So, let’s pretend that by now he’s managed to successfully single you out and get your attention long enough for a one-on-one conversation. Keep it light and talk about topics like why you’re at this bar (don’t say because it’s cheap and you’re broke AF), where he went to school (try not to cringe when his alma mater has the word “state” in it), and how cute your new necklace is (very, duh). Try and talk about positive things, as no one wants to hear you, say, talking shit about how bored you are because everyone at this bar is
weird, for instance. Also, this goes without saying: Make sure you don’t talk about other guys if you actually want to go out with this person. If he fucking sucks, casually mention you have a boyfriend, but if he seems chill, you should let him buy you a drink. If he doesn’t offer to buy you a drink, especially if your vodka soda is mainly ice, ditch him and find a gentleman.

The power move is to talk to this guy for no more than thirty minutes, then casually tell him you’re leaving to go to another bar with your friends. Don’t give him too much attention or he’ll think yours isn’t worth much. A drunken make-out isn’t a huge deal, but definitely leave it at that, and only if this is the last stop on your quest for love for the night. DO NOT fucking take any guy you just met home with you. Ideally your first encounter gets him intrigued, but as a rule of thumb you should exit at the crescendo of your conversation and always leave him wanting more. If he wants to see you again he will ask for your number, and the games will begin. (If he does not ask for your number, he does not want to see you again. Move along.)

Okay, so now he has your number. The need to be at the peak of your game has never been more important. Because it’s 2016 and most men aren’t trying to call you or show up to your door to ask you out in person, most of this shit is annoyingly done through text. It’s okay, though, because as you’ll see this has its advantages and disadvantages.

For betches, the dating world can be a scary place. From creepy guys who seem normal at first to funny guys who are secretly poor, it’s sometimes hard to spot the keepers among the unfaithful Wall Street pros on this journey of love and not doing work. But even scarier than the prospect of contracting HPV—not scary anymore, there’s a vaccine—is the potential for the silent relationship killer: Awkward Texting Dynamic (ATD).

The bro with ATD might even be normal in person,
but after less than a week of talking to him via the written word you realize he’s
useless
as a texter. This will inevitably become a dealbreaker as he’s managed to fuck up your chief form of communication. Honestly, in many cases we’d prefer a guy have a crooked dick than consistently use the wrong form of “you’re” in conversation. Let’s break down the ways that a guy can ruin his prospects with you via his ATD.