I Heart Me (18 page)

Letting our guard down and being authentic is about the most important thing we can ever do. We just need to convince ourselves that the benefits far outweigh the risks.

OK, the risks:

• People might not like us.
  
• We might be distanced from a group.
  
• We might lose one or more of our relationships.
  
• People might say we've changed and get angry with us.
  

Let's do the benefits then:

• We let go of the stress of pretending we're something we're not.
  
• We can relax in our private moments without wondering how we're going to keep up the pretence or without resenting the people around us for expecting us to be something we're not.
  
• We might find that people show us a level of respect we've never known before.
  
• We know that people who leave our life weren't good for us anyway because they only liked the version of us that we'd been showing them.
  
• We make room in our life for people who love the real us, and we draw these people into our life.
  
• We form deeper, more authentic and meaningful relationships.
  
• We become healthier.
  

These are just some of the risks and benefits, ones that are fairly general. I'm certain that you can think of more in your own life, ones that relate more personally to you. That's why I'd like you to have a go at it yourself. It's an important exercise. Here's what to do.

SELF-LOVE GYM:
Being Authentic

Consider these questions and write down your answers:

• What benefits would being more authentic bring you specifically? For example, which of your relationships would being authentic affect and how might they be affected? Would it affect your career?
  
• What actions could you take or conversations could you have in the next few days that would help you to be more authentic?
  

You can't be
enough
while you're hiding your true self, because the act of hiding affirms that you think you're
not
enough. Why else would you be hiding? Being authentic is about showing yourself as you really are.
Enough
says, ‘I am here, now, as I am.'

Being authentic means showing your vulnerabilities, but, as I mentioned earlier, that isn't about being a book that's open for everyone to see everything about you. It's about asking yourself if more authenticity or more vulnerability would be good for you and in which circumstances. It might only mean a small amount
of opening up and letting your guard down or it might mean a lot. We're all different.

Personally, I'm learning to be more open and honest with more people. This has included sharing some personal examples in this book that I've not written about before. This was a little out of my comfort zone, but not too much. But I also have a small number of family and close friends with whom I share certain personal things that I wouldn't necessarily share with others. They're my inner circle, so to speak.

Self-love is about learning what works for you as an individual. There are times when vulnerability isn't the right thing. It can lead to being taken advantage of. That's always a risk, and one that we can't always avoid.

My friend Gillian reminded me of this. She told me that being vulnerable came naturally to her but she had to learn not to be such an open book. This was especially true during a time when she lost some members of her family. She was treated very poorly when she was at her most vulnerable and this was very isolating. Instead of acceptance and belonging, vulnerability led to loneliness for her.

Gillian learned that it was only safe to be vulnerable with certain people. This was a valuable lesson. The act of showing vulnerability in the presence of specific people shows we are
enough
far more than opening up to everyone. It becomes an empowered choice, and that shows we are in a state of
enough
.

Chapter 9

The Law of Personal Gravity

‘The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you really are.'

C. G. J
UNG

Babies love themselves. They will never try to be anyone other than who they are. They don't know how. They are 100 per cent authentic. We are drawn to them, as if they have gravity.

Puppies love themselves too. They're also 100 per cent authentic. We're drawn to them too, as if they have gravity.

I call this ‘the law of personal gravity'. It's the law that says:

As we grow up, though, as we get bigger and bigger, we actually get smaller and smaller. Our light diminishes. Our gravity weakens. It's because we cover our light with layer upon layer of ideas, notions and beliefs that convince us that we're
not
enough. For this reason, the gravity of a child is several times stronger than the gravity of most adults.

It's quite simple, really. Authenticity, vulnerability, honesty, courage, self-care – these all increase our gravity. Personal gravity is high when we know we're
enough
and weak when we believe we're
not
enough.

We can tell when someone feels they're
not
enough. Usually, we're not drawn to them as much as we are to other people. It's not that there's anything wrong with them. And it's not so much a conscious judgement. It's just that deep in our psyche, we all seek connection and we intuitively know if connection is possible with the people we meet.

It can even be that a person feels they're
not
enough, but they have a strong mind and a large personality which they use to draw people to them. But that's not gravity, it's overwhelming people. You can tell that it's not authentic.

Want to increase your gravity? Be your authentic self! And then you'll start to know that you
are
enough, and people will look at you and wonder what it is that makes you shine from the inside so much.

Increasing your personal gravity isn't about getting people to like you, though – although people liking you
is
a side effect. The goal is always to be your authentic self and therefore to come to know that you
are
enough.

Personal gravity is an indicator of authenticity, a barometer, if you will, of self-love. It operates whether we like it or not or whether we agree with it or not. But the more aware of it we are, the more we can use it to measure our progress.

We're not just playing a numbers game here. It's not necessarily that greater numbers of people are drawn to us when we have high personal gravity (although that often does happen), but that we attract greater depth and quality of connection.

So, if you find yourself consistently surrounded by people who make you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why you have drawn them into your life. Is it a sign that you're not being as authentic as you could be? (Or is it your own authentic self that you're uncomfortable with? That would also indicate a self-love deficit.)

Personal gravity is also correlated with happiness and success in life. The more authentic we are, the more likely we are to feel good, and therefore the more productive, insightful and creative we become, and these things usually translate into success in whichever arena of life we place ourselves in.

People will also think we're lucky, but that too is a side effect of our gravity. Our gravity draws opportunities and events that aren't always obvious at first, but simmer in the background, growing in momentum until the time is right for them to enter our life.

So, before you go any further, write down your answer to the following question:

What can I do more of that says, ‘This is who I really am!'?

The law of personal gravity has an opposite, as most things do. It's called the law of personal repulsion. It's about how we repel people, success, hopes and dreams when we're not being ourselves.

Shortly after I resigned from the pharmaceutical industry I started reading self-help and spiritual books. I was inspired about starting out in my new career as a writer and speaker. Having read all those books, I somehow managed to get it into my head that I had to be enlightened to write and speak. So I decided to be enlightened.

Everywhere I went, I tried to show I was a peaceful and enlightened being. I regurgitated lines I'd read in books and passed them off as my own. Often, I even spoke in a gentle way because I thought it was how an enlightened person would speak.

My former university chemistry professor, William J. Kerr, likes to organize reunions with some of the students he has taught. In 2000, about six months after I'd left the pharmaceutical industry, I attended one such gathering.

My university days were some of the most enjoyable of my life. I had great friends, I studied hard, learned a lot, played a lot of sport and even found time to be president of the Chemistry Society. I had lots of energy and would get fairly enthusiastic and excitable when I was part of a group. I loved to tell stories and jokes and to laugh.

But that was over. Now that I was enlightened, I couldn't behave in that kind of way. It was so unevolved.

So, at the reunion weekend I walked everywhere slowly, usually with my hands clasped behind my back. I'd seen some monks do that and figured I should be doing it too. I also wore a serene smile on my face, and when I spoke, it was softly and gently. I wanted people to know that I was enlightened. It would inspire them.

On the first night after dinner there were about 25 of us in a large lounge talking, telling stories and having a laugh – or at least everyone else was. At university, when someone told a story, I'd usually chip in with a similar one, and I might even have embellished it a little at times, just to make it funnier. So now, as each story ended, my friends instinctively looked at me to top it. But I just sat there, cross-legged, with a serene smile on my face, nodding pleasantly.

Unsurprisingly, my career as a writer and speaker didn't exactly take off. I wasn't attracting audiences to my speaking events because all I was doing was regurgitating what other people had said and trying to pretend that I was enlightened. Had I been myself, a guy who had a dream and had left his job to pursue it, or maybe if I'd even just talked about some of the lessons
I'd
learned in life, I might have been more successful during that period. But success follows authenticity. People can tell where you're at and I wasn't being authentic. I had negative gravity. I was repelling what I wanted in my life. It wasn't long before I was financially broke.

Much later I realized there's nothing wrong with having a laugh or being the centre of attention if that's the sort of person you are. I used to think that being spiritual meant being at peace. But the truest spirituality is being who you really are.

Being at peace is part of that. But it doesn't mean having no thoughts whatsoever. It means being at peace with who you are. It means accepting yourself – your imperfections, your flaws, your wobbly bits, your vulnerabilities, your habits, the fact that you get scared, the fact that you don't know what to
do a lot of the time, the fact you're not always confident, the fact that sometimes you feel like a complete mess, as well as all the positive things about yourself. Being at peace with all that boosts your gravity.