I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (13 page)

12:50:
Hate is not pleased, "Dude, they had beer. Why are we leav- ing?" I explain, "You already pissed all of them off, we have to find new victims. We'll just steal beer from people smaller than us." This pleases Hate, "SHOW ME THE WAY!"

12:54:
We find our first victims. A tailgate with small kids. Hate storms up and starts rummaging through their cooler. "JACKPOT MAX! THEY HAVE BUD TALL BOYS!"

1:04:
We go to another tailgate. Some sorority. Hot girls everywhere. Hate walks right in the middle, "HELLLLO LADIES! WHO WANTS TO DO A SHOT!!" He grabs a tequila bottle and starts recklessly waving it around, sloshing the contents on several people.

1:05:
We are asked to leave the sorority tailgate area.

1:09:
We find another sorority tailgate. Hate walks right into the middle of them, "I HEAR UVA GIRLS CAN DRINK! HORSESHIT! I CAN OUT DRINK ALL YOU SKIRTS!"

1:10:
We are asked to leave our second sorority tailgate.

1:20:
We find another tailgate of girls. I decide on a different course of action for us, "Hate, do not speak unless spoken to." These girls are athletes. My cousin rows at UVa. I ask them if they know her. They do, and I'm in. For college girls, common friends = the guy is safe = I want to have sex with him.

1:55:
Things are going great. Hate is talking to a girl taller than him, so he is calm. Then it happens. Some girl decides to flirt with me by calling me out, "You don't look like much of a drinker."

1:56:
This will not go unanswered, "Who are you talking to? Bitch, you couldn't even tie my drinking shoes." She challenges me to a shot contest. This makes me laugh, "Line'em up. And no girly shit either. Straight liquor. Anything except whiskey."

1:58:
She raises the first shot and gives a toast, "Give me chastity and give me continence-but not yet ... St. Augustine!" All her little friends laugh and cheer. Amateurs.

1:59:
I raise my shot, "This is for all the bitches, ho's and tricks, I'd wouldn't talk to any of you, if I didn't have a dick ... Tucker Max." Everyone laughs.

2:00:
One of the girls asks me, "Who is Tucker Max?"

2:10:
Two shots later, my female opponent bows out of the shot contest.

I taunt her mercilessly, "You may be able to vote and drive, but you'll never be equal!" I am not a gracious winner.

2:
11: One of her little friends comes up to me. She is cute with shor
t
hair and thick black framed glasses. She is pissed
:
Girl "That was really sexist.
"
Tucker "No it wasn't, it was a joke. If I had said that women are nothin
g
but life support for a pussy, now THAT would be sexist.
"
Girl "Excuse me?
"
Tucker "If I had called her a hot mouth, that would be sexist too. Or, i
f
I said that the only thing going for her is that she's 98.6 degrees an
d
has two wet holes, that would be very sexist. But I didn't say thos
e
things, did I?
"
Girl "WHAT?
"
Tucker "Uh oh! Did I piss you off? Are you going to write angst
y
poetry?!?
"

She is looking at me like I'm a toilet full of used condoms. Hate pulls me away from her before she recovers, "Max, I think you have caused enough damage here." It takes me a second to register it, but I realize that Hate is now the voice of reason. This does not bode well.

2:25:
Using the same "Do you know my cousin" line, we get in with another tailgate. These girls think that drunk, sarcastic assholes are funny. Hello wheelhouse. I decide to mock people for their amusement.

2:27:
Some redneck doofus walks by: "Look at yourself-does the carnival have the day off? If you can guess my weight, I'll give you a free beer."

2:31:
To a slutty looking girl: "Is that a cross on your chest? Just because you spend most of your time in the missionary position doesn't make you religious."

2:33:
An old woman walks by who looks remarkably like Ethel Merman. I bust out in verse, "You'll be swell, you'll be great, you'll have the whole world on a plate, starting here, starting now, baby everything's coooming up roooooses!"

2:34:
One of the girls cracks up laughing, "OH MY GOD! AIRPLANE IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER!" I walk over to her, "My name is Tucker and I am going to law school at Duke so I can be really rich and buy shiny things for my wife. What's your name?"

3:15:
I am ruthlessly flirting with her. Hate saunters up, looks at her and then looks at me, "Do I even need to know this one's name?" I decide it is time to get this girl away from Captain Cockblock and find someplace private.

3:30:
I am having difficulty finding privacy at an outdoor race course.

3:40:
A stroke of genius hits me-I find the open grass area on the small hill behind GoldenBoy's tailgate, and suggest that we sit there, "to be alone."

3:42:
I look around and realize that at least 2000 people can see us. One of those people is GoldenBoy. I wave.

3:45:
I tell her that she is really pretty. She blushes. She tells me I am funny.

3:50:
I tell her that she is exactly what I am looking for in a girlfriend. She blushes more. She tells me I am nice.

3:55:
We are making out. In front of everyone.

4:00:
Not satisfied with just kissing, I start exploring. She doesn't have any underwear on. Gold-digging sluts are awesome.

4:05:
I've got two fingers in her vagina and one in her butt. I am giving this girl The Shocker. No one hooks up at Foxfield? Fuck you, GoldenBoy.

4:
15: I try to climb on top of her, but she stops me. Prudes suck.

4:16:
She grabs my hand and gets up, "Let's go somewhere else; we are on a hill in front of everyone." Oh ... right, I forgot about that.

4:30:
We walk past a Port-a-Potty. I consider the possibility, open the door, and immediately change my mind. No pussy is worth enduring that smell.

4:55:
We come across an RV tailgate that is empty. The people next to it say that everyone is off watching the alleged horse races.

5:01: They left the door to the RV open. Whoops. I throw her on the
bed and we start fucking. I don't even have to take her clothes off, as her sun dress without panties doesn't require it. Sluts are awesome.

5:04:
Drunk sex is great.

5:08:
I decide that drunk, transgressive sex in someone else's RV with a girl you don't know is even better.

5:10:
I start hitting it hard. Every time I thrust in, she yelps. It sounds like a yelp of enjoyment, and she isn't asking me to stop, so I hit it even harder.

5:
14: I hit it harder. She yelps louder.

5:15:
I can feel it coming. This is going to be a great cum shot.

5:
17: My eyes start burning. I ignore it.

5:18:

HOLY SHIT I CANNOT BREATHE-WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??

5:18:

The girl and I stumble out of the RV, in tears, both coughing and barely able to breathe. I am very confused. My throat feels like I ate a handful of habanero peppers. We start gulping down water and beer to get rid of this awful burning.

5:23:
She screams. "OH MY GOD! I KNOW WHAT THAT WAS!" She covers her face and runs back into the RV. She emerges, coughing again, with her purse held as far away from her as possible. "I was laying on my purse, and I guess my pepper spray went off accidentally. Everything inside it is ruined!"

5:25:
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. Still processing this info, I reach down and adjust my sticky crotch. I learn the hard way that capsaicin (the active ingredient in pepper spray) works on any moist skin, not just the throat and eyes. I start screaming and hopping around the tailgate.

5:27:
THIS SUCKS.

5:30:
I find a hose by the Port-A-Potties, pull my pants down, and start spraying water all over my exposed genitals.

5:32:
The water is Arctic cold. My balls have retreated so far up int
o
my torso that I could pull them out of my throat. I look like a eunuch
.
Everyone is laughing at me. I don't care. Stopping the pain is all tha
t
matters
.

5:35:
The numbness has taken the edge off the pain. I stop sprayin
g
myself and cover up my genitals. My pants are completely soaked
.

5:40:
I can't find the RV or the girl. I am totally lost
.

5:45:
I stop and consider what just happened. I cannot believe it. I jus
t
got accidentally pepper sprayed during sex, then burned up my crotch
,
then had a crowd of people laugh at me as I hosed off my balls. Wha
t
the fuck
?

6:00:
I am still lost. I can't even find GoldenBoy's tailgate. I try to cal
l
him on my cell, but it won't work. I remember that electronics do no
t
mix well with water
.

6:30:
I finally find GoldenBoy's tailgate area. Everyone is gone. This i
s
not good. A passerby lets me use his phone to call Hate
.

6:31:
He answers, but I can barely hear him. It sounds like he is in
a
wind tunnel. There are dogs barking in the background. This is to
o
much for me. I just hang up
.

6:37:
I call GoldenBoy. He is back at GoldenWife's apartment. He tell
s
me to meet him at her place. Am I supposed to walk? "Hey, yo
u
hooked up at Foxfield, apparently you can do anything." Jerk
.

6:55:
I walk about a mile before an old couple picks me up. They ar
e
nice and agree to take me to GoldenWife's apartment. There is
a
cooler in the back seat. I ask if I can have a beer. "Uh yeah, son, g
o
ahead. You kids sure do like to drink a lot. You'd think a whole day of i
t
would be enough." I disagree, "Sir, when you are an alcoholic, there i
s
no such thing as enough.
"

7:30:
I get to the apartment. Hate is not there. GoldenBoy thought h
e
was with me. I thought he was with him. Uh oh. GoldenBoy calls Hate
.
Hate "I'm not going to lie to you, I am lit up.
"
GoldenBoy "Where are you?
"
Hate "I'm not sure. These guys gave me a ride in the back of thei
r
truck with their dogs, but they dropped me off on campus. Weren't yo
u

a SigEp at UVa? I think that's where I am."

7:45:
We get to the SigEp house. Hate is asleep in a chair in the livin
g
room. No one else is there. I tell Hate to wake up and find his dignity
.

7:46:
Hate stumbles out the front door of the fraternity, "HAS ANYBOD
Y
SEEN MY GODDAMN DIGNITY?
"

8:00:
We go to a bar. The Biltmore. It is crowded. Hate decides tha
t
the service sucks and that as a result he is going to stand on our tabl
e
and yell at people, "SOMEONE GET ME A GODDAMN BEER!
"

8:32:
Hate does not have good balance when he is drunk, and proceed
s
to tumble off the table, in the process crashing it into anothe
r
table and flinging all the drinks on a guy sitting there quietly with hi
s
girlfriend
.

8:33:
The couple is completely covered in beer and vodka. I prepar
e
myself to fight, but the guy just sits there. I ask "Are you not going t
o
whip his ass?" He just sits there. His girlfriend gets pissed and storm
s
off. Then he gets pissed at Hate. I point out the obvious, "No reason t
o
fight now, your bitch already left.
"

10:30:
GoldenBoy decides he'd rather be at home with the woman h
e
loves rather than drinking his 20th beer of the day with his drunk
,
obnoxious friends. Pussy
.