I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (5 page)

OtherGirl "What was your family like?"

Sling Blade "My dad was so mean, he'd give my sisters and me ten dollars on Christmas Eve, steal it back from us that night when we were sleeping, and then beat us on Christmas Day because we lost it." She was a nice girl, but wasn't getting the jokes. Sensing the night slip away, I tried to shift the focus by talking about ElephantLegs' exboyfriend.

He was a complete tool, and I figured this sort of gossip would be more OtherGirl's intellectual speed.

ElephantLegs "Yeah, he was 26 and I was 20 when we met. We met at a Macaroni Grill my friends and I were eating at, in [a very rural college town]."

SlingBlade "He is an assistant manager at a Macaroni Grill? In that city? HAHAHAHAH. This one sounds like a winner. Was he a townie? Did he have a goatee and drive a rusted out Firebird?"

ElephantLegs "No, he was a really good guy. He was cool" SlingBlade "He sounds like the type of guy who would profess his love for a girl in spray paint across a highway overpass. I bet his busy schedule includes

screaming into his pillow and crying himself to sleep, because hi
s
life sucks.
"

SlingBlade decides that his food is taking too long and that he can d
o
better than the current line cook, so he leaves the table and goes int
o
the kitchen. There is no one in there, so he messes with the griddle
,
flipping knobs and switches until it turns on. The female cook come
s
around the corner, she sees him, stops and stares at him i
n
astonishment for a few seconds as he pours some pancake mix on th
e
griddle
.

He sees her, and she questioningly shrugs her shoulders at him, t
o
which he replies
:
"I'm hungry. I'm gonna make me some flapjacks.
"
She didn't think it was funny, and we had to leave our second restauran
t
of the night
.

The girls drove their own car, and in the parking lot we tried to figur
e
out what to do. OtherGirl came up with a good idea
:
OtherGirl "You know ... I have a hot tub at my place. What would yo
u
Two say if I asked you back there?
"

SlingBlade "Heeellilloooo staph infection.
"

Tucker "He has health insurance. We'll follow you.
"
In the car, SlingBlade looked about as a happy as a Mormon getting
a
lap dance
.

Tucker "Hello staph infection? What the fuck is wrong with you?
"
SlingBlade "Why do so many women disgust me?
"
Tucker "Because you are fucked up and can't get over your ex. Ar
e
you gonna hook up or what? That girl seemed into you.
"
SlingBlade "Yeah, I guess. She seems nice. I don't know.
"
We go back to their place and there are already a bunch of people a
t
the house; apparently one of the other roommates was having a part
y
that night. OtherGirl mixes us a few drinks, and we sit around and tal
k
awhile before ElephantLegs and I get into the hot tub and start makin
g
out. A few minutes later, I hear him screaming from inside
:

SlingBlade "Oh you don't want to hook up with me? What, my fetid
,
hoppy beer breath bothering you? Oh yeah, daddy drinks too much!
"
SlingBlade comes out to the deck
:
SlingBlade "I am leaving.
"

Tucker "Why? What happened?
"

SlingBlade "I'm going home to get my gun so I can kill everyone here.
"
He storms off before I can put my shorts on (ElephantLegs had the
m
off in the hot tub) and catch him. I find OtherGirl
:
Tucker "What the fuck happened? Why did he leave?
"
OtherGirl "I don't know-your friend is weird.
"
Tucker "There has to be a reason. He wouldn't just storm out.
"
OtherGirl "Well, I think he got mad when he tried to kiss me.
"
Tucker "What happened?
"
OtherGirl "I backed away.
"
Tucker "WHAT? Why would you invite him back here if you didn't lik
e
him?
"

OtherGirl "I don't know. I thought I did, I just didn't feel like it.
"
I could not believe that this bitch flirted with him all night-andshe wa
s
FLIRTING-and then dissed him AT HER PLACE, AFTER SHE INVITE
D
HIM BACK THERE. It's not like she had to fuck him, but t
o
deny even a kiss after all that is really bad. Especially for him; it's no
t
like this guy has lots of self-esteem with women to begin with
.
He wouldn't pick up his cell, so I just go back to the hot tub an
d
ElephantLegs, who after 20 beers looked surprisingly good in a bathin
g
suit. We get pretty hot and move inside to finish off, when sh
e
drops a bomb on me
:
ElephantLegs "I'm not sure if we can hook up. Let me ask my friend.
"
Tucker "What do you mean?
"
ElephantLegs "Well-I don't live here. I am visiting from Ohio. Al
l
those bedrooms belong to her roommates. I'll see if she'll let us us
e
her room.
"

No fucking way. NO FUCKING WAY
.
Ofcourse OtherGirl says no. OK, fine, I can understand not wantin
g
other people to fuck in your bed. So I go through the other options
.
ElephantLegs wouldn't hook up or. the patio, "Someone might see us
"
or on the sofa bed we had to sleep on, ''There are other people passe
d
out in the living room. What if they wake up?
"

In a last ditch attempt to save the night, I make what I think is a ver
y
reasonable suggestion: ElephantLegs takes OtherGirl's car, and th
e
two of us go to Sling Blade's place and hook up. He has an extra bed
.

Do you want to guess what Princess CockBlock told her friend? No
.
I was furious. OtherGirl had taken what could have been a great night
,

and totally ruined it, for no fucking reason other than her whim. That'
s
OK bitch: I got summin' for you
.

The next morning I woke up early, went into the bathroom and locke
d
the door. I took off the lid of the toilet tank and dropped a gargantua
n
shit, right in the tank. I have hit many homeruns in my life, but this wa
s
my first upper-decker
.

Then I took a Sharpie marker I found in her house and wrote on th
e
underside of the lid
:
"This is for [SlingBlade]. Whore.
"

I put the top back on the tank and used about half a roll of toilet pape
r
to wipe my ass, putting all of it in the bowl. As I expected, the toile
t
clogged when I flushed it, spilling shit water all over her bathroo
m
floor
.

I immediately get a taxi back to SlingBlade's, stopping to say goodby
e
To ElephantLegs on my way out. I am laughing hysterically
.
ElephantLegs "What's so funny?
"

Tucker "Tell your friend I'm NOT sorry. She'll understand.
"
I take the taxi back to SlingBlade's, laughing the whole way, and wal
k
into his place at like lam, still giddy. I find him sitting in his chair in fron
t
of the TV, soaking wet, fists clenched up in rage and a look o
f
exasperate danger on his face the likes of which I've never seen
.

Tucker"Dude-what's wrong?
"

He points out the window to his car. The front and rear windshields ar
e
completely out, and the hood and roof have massive dents in them
.
Tucker "OH MY GOD! What happened to your car?
"
SlingBlade "I don't want to talk about it.
"
Tucker "Why are you all wet?
"
SlingBlade "I don't want to talk about it.
"
Tucker "Have you been sitting here all night?
"
SlingBlade "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. God obviously hate
s
me. HATES ME. Nothing ever goes right. ALL I WANT IS PEACE AN
D
QUIET AND A SMALL LIFE WITH MY NINTENDO AND COMI
C
BOOKS. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK???
"

After a few hours he calmed down and I found out what happened
:
It was raining heavily on the interstate as he drove home. He wa
s

cruising along in the right lane, still mired in self-loathing over hi
s
rejection, not noticing that he was riding in the blind spot of a truck. H
e
noticed too late that the truck was swerving from the left lane acros
s
his lane in order to make it onto an off-ramp. SlingBlade had to swerv
e
violently to avoid the truck careening across his lane, and since h
e
was going fast and it was slick, he ended up driving right into a roa
d
sign at about 60 miles an hour
.

It impacted on his bumper, smashed into the hood of his car leaving
a
huge dent, then somersaulted and crashed into the roof-poppin
g
both the front and rear windshields out-before flying off behind him
.
The truck kept driving, never having seen what it did. In his own words
:
SlingBlade "After the sign destroyed my car, I slammed on the brake
s
and stopped. Once my heart rate dropped below 200, I was able to pr
y
my fingers off the steering wheel and thank all major and minor deitie
s
that I was still alive. I had to kick the front and rear windshields full
y
out, because they were both cracked and falling in. Once I regaine
d
enough of my motor control to drive, I pulled off, and realized that eve
n
though they saved my life, the gods were still mocking me ... an
d
every drop of rain that hit my face through the gaping hole where m
y
windshield used to be was proof of this.
"

Tucker [not even holding back my laugher] "That SUCKS.
"
SlingBlade "Yes it does. Welcome to every day of my life.
"
Tucker "Hold on now dude-fate may fuck with you, but I fuck with fat
e
right back.
"

I filled him in on my upper-decker. He told me I was a bad person, bu
t
it was one of the few times I've ever seen him crack a genuinely war
m
smile, even if it was wet and fleeting
.

SlingBlade and I interned at the same law firm in the summer after our Second year. There is one night that summer in particular that really exemplifies our friendship and explains Sling Blade as a person:

We lived a bit south of San Francisco and were driving into the city for a party. On the way there, a cop in front of us, not in any hurry and with no lights or siren on, ran a stop sign. SlingBlade flipped out. Even though he hangs out with me, SlingBlade is a very moral and righteous person.

To him you are either right or you are wrong, and this co
p
was wrong. He started honking, flashing his lights at him and motionin
g
for the cop to pull over
.

Tucker "What are you doing? That's a cop!!
"
SlingBlade "I AM GOING TO CITE HIM! HE RAN THAT STOP SIGN!
"
Tucker "What the fuck? Are you crazy?
"
SlingBlade "Give me your cell; I am calling 911.
"
Thank fully he would not take his hands off the wheel long enough t
o
wrestle the phone away from me, I calmed him down, and we go
t
to the party. It was a launch party for a company called Eveo.com at
a
clubish-type place, Ruby Skye
.

Almost as soon as we got there, two girls dressed in clubbing outfits an
d
smeared with make-up came up to me
:
Girl1 "Holy shit-I totally recognize you.
"
Tucker "I'm not your baby's daddy.
"
She giggles a little and gives me a coquettish smile
.
Tucker "Just kidding. So how do you think you know me?
"
Girl1 "You're that guy with the website, with the date application o
n
it?"[This was a big deal to me at the time because it was back whe
n
my site got no traffic and I only had the Date Application on it.
]

SlingBlade "Oh dear God. What kind of whores are these?
"
Tucker "Stop it dude-anyways, yes ladies you are correct, I am that guy.
"
Girl 1 "YAY! I knew it! What do I win?
"
Sling Blade "An incurable case of Hepatitis C and years of emotiona
l
pain." Tucker "STOP IT.
"

SlingBlade "LINE UP THE SHOTS MAX. YOU KNOW THE DRILL-
I
GET SHOTS OR THEY LEAVE CRYING!
"

For the most part, the only way he will play wingman with girls he doesn'
t
like is if he is intensely drunk ... cue five shots of Jagermeister, it'
s
time to loosen up SlingBlade
.

We get a table and drink and talk. The girl SlingBlade was talking to
,
Girl 2, thought he was funny and laughed at his jokes, and everythin
g
is going great until Girl 1 decides to fuck it up by telling Sling Blade tha
t
she has a boyfriend but cheats on him all the time, especially wit
h
guys like me. Oh man ..
.

Sling Blade "Well aren't you just spectacular. I'm glad to see that thos
e

'Worthless Whore' lessons turned out well for you.
"

Girl 1 "Uh, you can't make fun of me. You are wearing a Batman shir
t
out to a club.
"

SlingBlade "I'd rather fellate a hot curling iron than listen to fashio
n
advice from you.
"

Girl 1 "You NEED fashion advice, you dress like an action figure.
"
SlingBlade "Better an action figure than a Bowery prostitute.
"
I tried to calm this down, but they got started again
.
Sling Blade "Do you have anything else in your life besides work an
d
fellatio? I'm not counting the empty syringes and used condom
s
decorating your apartment floor.
"

Girl "YES! I do lots of things! What do YOU DO besides work? Watc
h
Batman cartoons all day?" Sling Blade "Woman, do not disparag
e
Batman, or you will find this fork sticking out of your eye. Not only do
I
watch Batman, I go to the gym
.

You should try it some time.
"
Girl "Excuse me jerk, I run.
"
SlingBlade "Run?!? What, do you run to the refrigerator durin
g
commercial breaks? Huh, fatty?" [This girl wasn't fat at all, but SlingBlad
e
likes to push the obvious female insecurity buttons
]

Girl "You are a real asshole.
"
SlingBlade "Settle down slim, don't hate the messenger. Just curious
:
Have you ever eaten just one of anything?
"
Tucker "Stop it.
"
SlingBlade "She has-the forbidden apple.
"
Tucker "Hey dick head, here's my beer bottle, go peel the label an
d
shut the fuck up.
"

I took Girl 1 to the bar to calm things down, because unlike Colone
l
Masturbation, I wanted to fuck the girl I was talking to. Girl 2 actuall
y
Thought Sling Blade was funny, so she stayed at the table to talk to him
:
Girl "So you're single?
"
SlingBlade "I prefer 'vaginally-challenged'.
"
Girl[laughing] "You're so funny. I can't believe you're single.
"
SlingBlade "I'm a 25 year old socially anxious, pre-mature ejaculato
r
and I'm wearing a Batman t-shirt. Is it really that implausible?
"

After a few drinks I got Girl 1 settled down and back to the table, an
d

Girl1 and Girl 2 immediately went to the bathroom together
.
Tucker "So, your girl seems into you. And she's kinda hot. You going t
o
finally close a deal?
"
SlingBlade "I don't know. She has a 2 year-old kid ... oh well, at leas
t
I know she fucks.
"
Tucker "You want more shots?
"
SlingBlade "Yeah, whatever. It's not like I can hate myself anymor
e
than I do now.
"

I think it was George Burns who said, "It takes only one drink to get m
e
drunk.The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or th
e
fourteenth." The same could be said for SlingBlade about hooking up
.
For him to hook-up he has to perfectly hit his drinking sweet-spot. It's go
t
to be enough alcohol that he is truly fucked up, but not so much tha
t
he loses control. The problem with this is that his tolerance is terrible
,
which leaves him without much margin for error. If he doesn't drin
k
enough he still thinks the woman is a slut and he won't touch her, bu
t
if he drinks too much he throws up and/or passes out. It's a delicat
e
balance to get him into his Hook-up Zone
.

We do one shot, and then another. At this point the girls return fro
m
the bathroom, and he smiles when he sees Girl 2. I get excited be
-
cause I think I may have hit the spot exactly. I look over about 3
0
minutes later and his head is buried in his hands and he is muttering t
o
his drink
:

Sling Blade "Alcohol, I know I can trust you. You won't leave me lik
e
that dirty whore did, will you?
"
Girl 1 "What's wrong with your friend?
"
Tucker "He has a problem with women. And alcohol
"
Sling Blade "My liver hurts, my liver is dying.
"
Girl 2 "He is really funny.
"
SlingBlade "If you aren't completely repulsed by me, you haven't bee
n
paying attention.
"
Girl 2 "You aren't repulsive.
"
Girl 1 "Yes he is.
"

At that moment a guy with crutches walked by our table
.
Sling Blade "I wish I had crutches like him, because then I could bea
t
myself to death with them, which would be preferable to my night thu
s
far.
"

Since the bathrooms are the small one-person-at-a-time type, th
e
crippled guy had to put his crutches outside the door while he pees
.
Seeing this opportunity, I decided to lighten the mood at his expense.
I
run back there and throw his crutches in the empty girls restroom. A
t
the table, I cannot control my giggling, because I know what is comin
g
next
:

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY CRUTCHES?
"
Girl 2 "Hehehehhe-you two are both so funny!
"
Sling Blade [in the SlingBlade voice] "How would a man go'bou
t
contactin' da' po-lice, were he so inclinded, hrrrmmm.
"

Tucker "Oh Christ ... not again.
"

Girl 1 and I decide to take her car and go back to her place (you know
,
for sex-something normal people do), leaving Girl 2 and SlingBlad
e
to the Fates. Though I did not see what happened next, SlingBlad
e
recounted it to me the next day
:

He kept drinking until Girl 2 left. Without him. Apparently she got fe
d
up with him alternately passing out and calling her a whore in th
e
SlingBladevoice. After her departure he wandered around the bar, finall
y
deciding that he needed to go to the bathroom
.
As he walks to the bathroom, he starts veering to the right, and in a
n
attempt to correct this he flings himself to the left. Instead of correctin
g
himself he ends up slamming head first into the wall, which lays hi
m
out straight on his back. This is directly in front of a bunch of people, al
l
of whom naturally laugh at him
.

He's so hammered that he just lays there for a minute, trying t
o
remember how to stand up. Eventually he rolls himself over, but can'
t
getup on his feet. Instead he starts to crawl, arm over arm, military style
,
to a nearby chair. Once there, he pulls himself up on the seat
,
looks over to the crowd who was watching and laughing, points t
o
himself and yells: "Still single ladies!
"