I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (6 page)

We've all done it
.

We've all accidentally fucked a fat girl
.

You start the night with the best intentions, but somehow you end up i
n
one of those blacked-out, where-the-fuck-are-my-pants drunken states
,
and wake up with some girl who is packing more ass than a Sir Mix-aLo
t
video. Getting smashed and gain' hoggin' is almost a rite of passag
e
for the American male. There's no shame in that
.

This being said, very few of us have fucked a fat girl on purpose. I wil
l
be honest; I may be a member of that club, but it's up for debate. Le
t
me explain
:

It all started in February of 2000, the first month my website was up.
I
was 23 years old and in my second year of law school. TuckerMax.co
m
originally started as a Date Application Page that I put up to settle
a
bet. My friends thought the page was hilarious, but wanted to se
e
some results
:

PWJ "Tucker, the site is awesome, but you need to actually meet a gir
l
through it.
"
Tucker "I don't know.
"
Hate "Max! How could you put that site up and not hook up with a
t
least one girl through it? That's weak.
"
Tucker "I don't know; there have been some crazies emailing me.
"
Hate "When has that stopped you in the past?
"

SlingBlade "This is opposed to the crazies that you pick up in bars?
"
PWJ "Dude, you can't put this thing up and never go on a date or hoo
k
Up from it. You have to. At least one girl.
"

Tucker "Fine. Might as well. What's the worst that could happen??
"
Hale "OH YEAH! That line of thought always serves you well!
"

But I didn't just promise my friends that I'd go out on a date with a gir
l
I me through the site. I ended up promising that I'd do my very best t
o
hookup with her
.

So of course as soon as I make this promise, I get no application
s
from any girls near the Durham, NC area. I know this sounds ridiculou
s
now, as I get dozens of propositions a day from girls, but yo
u
have to remember that back when the site started, it was almost totall
y
unknown outside my circle of friends. Maybe 30 people a day saw it, i
f
that. There were only like three of my stories up, and the notion tha
t
this site would become anything beyond a silly joke never eve
n
crossed my mind. If you had told me then that within two years m
y
webpage would become my launching pad to fame, I would hav
e
laughed at you and told you stop sucking the glass dick
.

One week went by, nothing. Two weeks, nothing. I was starting to ge
t
a little desperate, thinking about all the shit I was going to have to ea
t
from my friends because I couldn't even get a date off my own Dat
e
Application Page, when finally a girl emailed me. She had just move
d
to Raleigh for a job, knew no one, and thought I was funny. W
e
emailed a little and she seemed cool and normal enough, but I had t
o
make a couple requests before she sent me a picture of her. Once
I
got the pic, it was clear why it took her three emails to work up th
e
courage to send one
.

Ladies and gentlemen: She's a fatty
.

Normally, this would have been an easy decision. I'd just say "Get th
e
Fuck away from me and go back to your trough," and everything woul
d
Be fine, but this time it was different. I had PROMISED my friends tha
t
I would hook up with a girl from my webpage, and FatGirl was my onl
y
option
.

I put her off for a few weeks with cutesy email banter, while I prayed fo
r
A girl without a giant oversized pig heart to email me
.

One week ... two weeks ... nothing. Finally, I consulted my friend
s
on what I should do. I showed them the picture
:
Hate "WOOOOOOO-WEEEEEEE! YOU GOT YOURSELF A CHUNKER
!
FORGET THE DATE, LASSO HER AND TAKE HER TO TH
E
STOCKYARDS!
"
PWJ "Yeah, you did promise. She might be your only chance.
"
Sling Blade "Just make sure you take her to a bar that doesn't serv
e

food. You can't afford that kind of date.
"
EI Bingeroso "Wow. Yeah man, that sucks. Wow ... but you did promise.
"
Hate "WOOOOOO-HOOOO! MAX YOU ARE MAKING US PROUD
!
GOD BLESS THAT WEBSITE!
"

After some deliberation, I decided to meet FatGirl out. It still make
s
me laugh to this day, but I legitimately thought that this would be m
y
only shot at hooking up with a girl through my website, and I didn'
t
want to blow it ... even if it meant I had to go pork diving. I justified i
t
as such: Tucker "Well ... maybe she's lost weight. She said it wasn't
a
good picture.
"
[Everyone in unison
]
"HAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
"

Sling Blade "Lost weight? What, you think she caught that secre
t
rubella epidemic sweeping the Carolinas? When was the last time
a
girl was better looking than her INTERNET DATING PICTURE?
"
Tucker "Well, she does have a cute face. You can't fake that.
"
EI Bingeroso "This is not going to end wel!.
"
Hate "Max, just when I think you've tapped out, you find a whole ne
w
way to fuck up!
"
Tucker "Fuck you. I hope all of your children have birth defects.
"

I agreed to meet Fat Girl at a bar in Durham, The James Joyce.
I
flatly refused to tell any of my friends where we were meeting, an
d
made them promise not to come looking for me, in case she turne
d
out to be morbidly obese, as opposed to just normal fat, like in he
r
picture. Like an IDIOT, I didn't think about extracting promises fo
r
what would happen after the date. A rookie mistake that will haun
t
me my entire life
.

FatGirlwas there when I got there, and looked pretty much exactly lik
e
She did in the picture-fat. We started talking over beers, and she wa
s
exactly like her emails: a nice, sweet girl without a whole lot going fo
r
her. It quickly became obvious that she was very much into me, an
d
after about three beers she really started loosening up. The turnin
g
point in the conversation was this
:

FatGirl [with a seductive, portly, dimpled look] "Tucker, are you
a
player?
"
Tucker "Uh, no ... I mean, not in the way you are thinking. A player i
s
Someone who is only out to have sex for the sake of sex, and will do o
r

say anything to hook up. Yeah, I mean, I like sex, but I won't do anythin
g
to hook up with a girl. Well ... normally, at least.
"

FatGirl [Still with the seductive, portly, dimpled look] "I think you're
a
player Tucker Max ... but I'm not going to sleep with you.
"
Well, this one is locked up. The night is obviously going to end in sex i
f
I want it, but I still had to decide: Do I bail on this date, avoid th
e
ignominy of having sex with Miss Piggy, and pray that another gir
l
emails me for a date, or do I just suck it up, take the opportunity i
n
front of me and fulfill the promise to my friends? I went back and fort
h
on this in my mind
.

GoodTucker "She has a really cute face.
"
BadTucker "She is fat.
"
GoodTucker "Well, she isn't disgustingly obese. She's only like 30 ..
.
40 ...
-ish ... pounds overweight.
"
Bad Tucker "What does that mean? Because she doesn't need
a
crane to leave her house, it's somehow OK? She's FAT.
"
Good Tucker "But I promised my friends, and this might be my onl
y
chance to hook up through the site.
"
BadTucker "Right ... but SHE'S STILL FAT.
"

I end the debate by moving my army across the Rubicon: "Bartender
,
get me a shot.
"
And then I burned the bridges behind me: "Make it cheap tequila. Wit
h
a beer back.
"

Yes, I know that fucking fat girls is against the rules for any sel
f
respecting guy, but the rules have a loophole. That loophole is calle
d
alcohol. God bless it. With each tequila shot and beer combo, she los
t
weight, and her face, which was previously only cute, became sorta hot
.
The night started improving
.

Then it went to shit. I chose the James Joyce because I knew none o
f
my friends would be there that night, as on Wednesdays they alway
s
went to a bar in Chapel Hill. But there are more people that drink i
n
Duke Law School besides my friends. Namely, two loud-mouthe
d
gossiping bitches in my class, Carry and Amy, who were at the Joyc
e
that night
.

I tired to hide when I saw them walk in, but it was no use, their scanda
l
radar was too sensitive. They immediately spot me: Carry "Hey Tucker,
I
was just about to-
"

She stops mid-sentence when she sees the land beast I am with.
I
wish I had a picture of the look on her face. Complete and utte
r
confusion, with a hint of disgust and twinge of contempt. I almos
t
laughed ... then I remembered that I was the one with the fat girl
.

Tucker "Hey, we were just about leave.
"
FatGirl is standing behind me waiting to be introduced, but that is no
t
happening. Carry "Wha- who- uhhh ... Tucker ...
"

I am out of there before she can finish her thought. There is nothing a
t
the end of that sentence that I want to hear. FatGirl and I end up back a
t
my place (I knew my roommates, Hate and Credit, would still be ou
t
drinking). We have sex, and both pass out afterwards, even though i
t
was only about 11. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the fumes, or th
e
PTSD that put me out. Probably some happy combination of all three
.
The gods of alcohol often entertain themselves at my expense, bu
t
sometimes they throw me a bone
.

Waking me out of an alcoholic stupor normally requires nothing short o
f
ice water and a fog horn, but somehow I awoke in time to hear Credi
t
and Hate slowly open the front door to our apartment and start creepin
g
towards my door, conspiratorially whispering to each other. I spring ou
t
of bed, dive at the door and lock it just in time to prevent them fro
m
charging in. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about thei
r
yelling and bangingon the walls
:
Hate "MAX!! BRING OUT THE FATTY!! LET'S SEE HER!!!
"
Credit "Tell her I have a cheeseburger!
"
Hate "MAX!! LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT HER!! BRING HER OUT!
!
WOOOOOOOOOO-WEEEEEE! !
"
Ofcourse, I couldn't help but laugh. That shit is funny. But it wasn't th
e
best part: FatGirl"What are they talking about? Should we go out there?
"
Tucker "Uh, no. So ... do you just want to spend the night? It's alread
y
like midnight.
"
FatGirl "I would love to, but I can't. I have to go to work tomorrow, an
d
I can't leave from here for work. In fact, I need to get going real soon.
"
Tucker "Let's just wait a minute before you go.
"
Great. Now how do I get her out of here without my roommates meetin
g
her
?