I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (22 page)

Occurred-July 1998 Written-March 2005

Look, I know how bad some of these stories are. I know that in return for my youthful behavior, fate will give me five daughters and make them all vicious sluts who sleep with guys like me and then throw it in my face. I know that in any cosmically just afterlife, I deserve to have all order of awful punishments waiting for me, but in the corporeal interim one girl gave me a little bit of my own medicine. I normally like to focus my stories on how awesome I am, but it would be intellectually dishonest to leave this story out, because it really is funny to everyone but me:

I met "Stephanie" in South Beach. She was
19
at the time, smoking hot and still in college but was spending the summer in Miami doing modeling. Stephanie had the type of body you see on the cover of Maxim, except she was that hot in real life and not just airbrushed hot. Granted, she threw up a lot of dinners for that body, but considering that I wasn't paying for her food, I didn't care.

Like most super hot girls, she was incredibly insecure. She wore too much make up and not enough clothes, which is always a sign of despair in a woman. But she went beyond the normal female do-thesepants- make-me-Iook-fat insecurity, which is manageable, and graduated to full on, I-am-so-ugly-and-worthless, I-hate-myself, please-fuck-meso- l-can-feel-c1ose-to-someone insecurity. As a result of her severe and unquenchable insecurity, she was quite promiscuous, to the point where dating her was similar to the experience of sitting on a warm toilet seat: Even without seeing him walk out of the stall, you knew that someone else had been there only moments before you arrived.

I was 22 at the time and this sort of super-hot, super-insecure girl was right in my wheelhouse. It was my pattern at that time in my life; I would meet them, sense their insecurity, feed off it, play with it, and before I knew it the girl was in love with me. I would quickly dump her, and then there would be some sort of incident. I used to do this with pretty much every girl I met. My friends used to joke that my conversations with these girls would go like this: Girl "Hi."

Tucker "Hi.
"
Girl "I'm lonely.
"
Tucker "Me too.
"
Girl "I love you.
"
Tucker "I love you too.
"

I honestly was NOT trying to fuck with these girls or hurt them, I wa
s
just too young to understand what I was doing, too stupid to figure i
t
out, and too fucked up myself to stop. I have since learned how awfu
l
it was and now take pains to explain to women what I want and what
I
expect from them before we do anything, which is not only the righ
t
thing to do, it prevents the kind of issues that happened here fro
m
occurring later on
.

So back to the story: We fucked and hung out and fucked some more
,
and I played the "great guy with an edge" part and let her totally fall fo
r
me. She told me she loved me, and I probably told her the same thing ..
.
but then I got bored, stopped calling, and left it at that. Another day
,
another hit, right? She wasn't ready to let go so easily
.

She called and called and called, and I ignored and ignored and ignored
,
until one day she decided that she needed to take her ange
r
out at me in person. I was drinking at a bar with some friends whe
n
she and her ugly friend (all hot girls have at least one ugly friend
)
came storming in
.

Ugly friend "Why haven't you been calling her back?
"
Tucker "Why haven't you been losing weight? Same reason.
"
Stephanie "SHE IS NOT FAT!
"
Tucker "That's not what you say behind her back.
"
Her friend wasn't actually fat-only by ridiculous South Beach mode
l
standards-but the point was to undermine Stephanie's moral support
,
not to be factually correct
.
Ugly friend "You called me fat?
"
Stephanie "NO! TUCKER, YOU ASSHOLE! WHY DIDN'T YOU CAL
L
ME BACK?
"
Tucker "I didn't want to. Let it go, and just leave.
"
Stephanie "FUCK YOU! I DON'T CARE ANYWAY, YOU HAVE
A
SMALL DICK AND YOU SUCK IN BED AND YOU CUM QUICKLY!
"
Oh, Steph ... I wish you hadn't done that. Granted, I was a cowardl
y
dickhead and I should have called you, but you called me out in fron
t
of other people ... now I have to destroy you
.
Tucker "Well, if that is the case, then why did you search me down t
o

scream like a lunatic about getting dumped? Shouldn't you be happ
y
about losing me instead of embarrassing yourself in public like this?
"
Stephanie "I AM NOT EMBARRASSING MYSELF.
"
Tucker "Then why is everyone laughing at you? You want to know wh
y

I didn't call you back? Fine: you are insane and whorish. When yo
u
close that revolving man-door you call a vagina, come back and we'l
l
see if I've gotten any better in bed.
"
Stephanie "FUCK YOU!
"
Tucker "I'm sorry that you hate yourself and that no one loves you, bu
t
it's time to end this crazy show. Take the mountain troll and leave-w
e
are trying to meet some women who are actually dateable.
"
She was utterly fucking speechless. At that moment, if she shitted
a
dictionary you couldn't have gotten a word from her. She turned t
o
leave; if I was a good person I would have let it go there, but that's jus
t
not me
:
Tucker "Didn't go as well as you thought it would, did it? I bet som
e
random guy is getting pussy tonight! Female insecurity: It's the gift tha
t
keeps on giving!
"
The whole little crowd that had gathered were laughing, even th
e
bartenders
.

I am pretty sure by the time she hit the door Stephanie was i
n
tears. Win the crowd and you always win the argument
.
Tucker: 1
0
Stephanie:
0

I figured with that, it would be over, but two days later I got this voicemail
:
"Tucker, it's Stephanie. I just got tested, and I have Chlamydia, an
d
you need to get tested ... jerk.
"

When I was young I was an idiot, but I wasn't stupid enough to blindl
y
believe something an angry woman told me. She wouldn't give me th
e
name of her doctor, so I demanded a copy of the test results. Sh
e
mailed them to me a few days later, and well, there it was. A positiv
e
result for Chlamydia. Wow. I guess I have to get tested now. That sucks
.
I had to go to one of the many free clinics in Florida, because I didn'
t
want my father, whose insurance was covering me, to know that
I
might have Chlamydia. After fighting off the crack heads and prostitute
s
in the lobby, I tell the nurse I need a Chlamydia test. Do yo
u
know how they test for Chlamydia? Before going in, I didn't
.
In the examination room, the nurse tells me to drop my pants and pull
s
out a 6 inch long thin metal rod and sticks a cotton swab on the end
.

No way she can't be thinking ... I mean, that can't go there ... i
t
won't fit and besides, that would be inhumanly painful ... well
,
then what is she going to do with it
?
Nurse "OK, I am going to insert this into your urethra, and then-
"
Tucker "WHAT?
"
Nurse "I am going to insert this into your urethra, and-
"
Tucker "NOPE! NOPE! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! There is no wa
y
you are putting that massive metal Q-tip INTO MY DICK HOLE. N
o
way.
"
Nurse "That's how we test for Chlamydia.
"
Tucker "No, there has to be another way. THERE HAS TO B
E
ANOTHER WAY. This is the 21st fucking century, there is never a nee
d
to stick metal into my dick. I'll pay-whatever, but THERE HAS TO B
E
ANOTHER WAY.
"

Nurse "Not to test for Chlamydia, there isn't.
"
I argued with her for 30 minutes, until she finally gave up and got
a
doctor. I argued with him for 20 minutes until he threatened to thro
w
me out or call the police unless I got the test. Who knew the wor
d
"medieval quackery" could get someone so upset
?
I wait for a week, making up bullshit reasons to turn down sex ("Yo
u
can't come over tonight, I promised my grandmother I'd watch
Matloc
k
with her"), until my test result comes back, and much to my relief it wa
s
negative
.

My first thought, being a naive 22 year old was that she had just gotte
n
it somewhere else, and I got lucky
.

About a month later I saw her best friend out at a bar (not the ugly one
,
a different cute one). She saw me and started giggling and waving. A
t
first I thought she was hitting on me, which made me laugh. Female
s
are always fucking over their friends. So I went over and started talkin
g
to her, but she and all her friends kept giggling at me and kind
a
mocking me
:

Tucker "What the fuck is so funny? Do I have a booger hanging out o
r
something?
"
Girl "Heehehehehhehehehehehhehehe-I can't tell you, you'll ge
t
mad.
"
Tucker "Just fucking tell me.
"
Girl "Well ... Stephanie's friend is a nurse and she took someon
e
else's positive test, whited out the name, put her name in there
,
photocopie
d

it, and sent it to you! Heheheh!
"
Tucker "What? She never had Chlamydia? So there was no chanc
e
that I had Chlamydia?
"
Girl "Nope! Hehehhehehehehhehehe! Isn't that funny?!?
"
Tucker "I GOT THAT AWFUL FUCKING TEST FOR NOTHING?
"
Girl "Hehehhehehehehhehehe!
"
Tucker: 1
0
Stephanie: 50
0
Winner: Stephani
e