Read I Just Want You to Know Online
Authors: Kate Gosselin
I Just Want You to Know (7 page)
Overall, some of my favorite prayers were the ones I took straight from Scripture or from meaningful songs and hymns, like, “Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.” These prayers seemed to speak for me when I couldn’t come up with the words to say myself. I love that there are different ways to communicate with Jesus. My biggest prayer will continue to be that my children have a strong relationship with God and learn to rely on him in every situation.
Dear Alexis,
My “Precious Moments” girl, you were named before you existed! After Cara and Mady were born, Daddy and I agreed our next girl (if we had one!) would be named Alexis. In addition, I always knew that Faith would be your middle name because I had faith that even with our fertility issues, we would be able to have another baby. I’ve always loved how perfect Alexis Faith is together!
While I desired to have a third baby, it was a complete shock to learn that I was going to have seven more babies at once! As you know, our seventh baby now lives in heaven with Jesus and went there when she was very tiny. You especially talk about “our other baby” often. We imagine what her name would have been. Emma Rose? Or Ella Rose? (We have agreed it was a girl).
To be honest, it took Mommy quite awhile to accept the idea of so many babies at once; but over time, I was able to embrace my destiny and put my best mommy efforts to the task of keeping you growing and healthy until you were big enough to be born safely. After you were born, the task was strangely similar. You, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah, and Joel were born prematurely, as predicted, at 29 weeks and 5 days. A normal pregnancy lasts about 40 weeks, so your early birth meant you came about 10 weeks too soon.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw your precious teeny
face! I managed to visit you in the neonatal unit eight hours after your birth. You were in the incubator closest to the door. I lifted the cover and saw your golden blonde hair and your closed Asian eyes. I smiled because you were the first of my children that even hinted at a resemblance of me. I also had blonde hair as a little girl!
Your tiny pink cheeks and lips made me cry. You were perfect in every way—just small. Two pounds eleven point five ounces to be exact. I was instantly overcome with love for you. Your brothers and sisters were spread throughout the NICU and it made me feel sad that you were, for the first time ever, separated from your womb mates. I whispered to you, “Hi Alexis, it’s Mommy. I love you! I’m sorry you have to be here. I did my best to keep you safe as long as I could. Rest baby. Grow strong so I can take you home soon!”
The next year was filled with many bottles and diaper changes. But it was mostly a year filled with people helping and inundating our tiny house at each feeding time. I know you remember who fed you most, Alexis: Your Nana Janet, who was the comedic relief during most eight p.m. feedings. She would tell funny stories to the point where we were all laughing so hard that Janet got worried we were shaking the babies too much. “Oh, these poor babies,” she’d say. And of course, that would just make us laugh harder. I credit those bedtime feedings as not only good comedy but also good stress relief.
I often told Janet that I blamed her for making you so goofy and silly, and she readily accepted the “blame”—and loved you so much. She was an ever-present constant in your and your brothers and sisters’ lives. You had many chats with Nana over the next few years as she ironed, played or read books with you.
I’ve watched you grow into a kind and caring little girl. I
have enjoyed the humor you have brought to our family. You have a way of knowing when I need a silly Alexis face to brighten my day. Or even a silly Alexis comment that only you can come up with! Ironically, you earned the nickname “Sassy” from your brothers and sisters. They couldn’t say Alexis, so Sassy stuck—mostly, I think, because you just plain were!
When I look at you, I see complete beauty. You have “the face of an angel” as Grandmom used to say. It’s a good cover for that naughty side that lurks behind the mischievous twinkle in your eye! I look forward to watching that face—and the rest of you—grow. You have a kindness and empathy for others (and animals!) that I hope you always continue. Remembering that God created every person, no matter their appearance, occupation, abilities, or inabilities, and developing the desire to see others the way God sees them will help you to navigate life successfully. I have not always possessed the skills to see others this way. In recent years, as life has exposed our family to so many people, places, and experiences, I have been more able to love and befriend others more readily, but it took me awhile. I admire your warmth and acceptance of anyone who walks into your life. Never lose sight of this gift that seems to come more naturally to you.
Over the last few years, our family life has changed a lot. I want you to know that one thing that will never change is my love for you. Although these changes are confusing and quite upsetting to you now, I’ll willingly help you understand why someday. Always know that above all else your needs and the needs of your brothers and sisters are my first priority.
Work hard, Alexis. Take the hard road and finish whatever you start! You will develop a deep confidence in yourself if you always do your best—even if it’s difficult.
I love it that you want to “get a baby,” as you constantly say; but be sure you first graduate from college and get married (“get a husband,” as you say). These have been my continual instructions to you and your sisters.
Whatever you choose to do in life, I will support you. I am your biggest cheerleader and will be by your side always helping you. I wish for you a happy life—one that brings you a satisfying education, career, and family. Come to me when you need advice, help, instructions, or just a good listener. I’m here for you—today and all of your tomorrows.
Love forever and always, no matter what,
Mommy
BEHIND THE SCENES
Long before anyone had heard of us, Jon put together our family website, which he worked on in the evenings in the closet where his computer was. We were proud of our family and were happy to provide progress reports in response to the many inquiries from the interested and supportive public.
We had been doing local news reports because we felt we owed the community an update. I could picture the little old ladies my grandma’s age saying, “I wonder what happened to those babies.” However, the reporters always tied cute little bows on the story—this cute little couple, with cute little twins, had six cute little babies—without talking about the struggles. Jon was unemployed for a year, we were struggling to make ends meet, and everyday life was isolating and difficult with eight kids under the age of six. We weren’t complaining; we just felt misrepresented. Jon and I didn’t feel like that “cute little couple.”
One day we received an email through our family website from a production company. I called them to find out what they were about. The production company owner’s motto was that he made real TV for people to understand people better. That was all I needed to hear. We felt like we were misunderstood at this time—we were just parents with fertility issues who got more than we bargained for, but we were determined to make the best of it.
The production company wanted to make a one-hour documentary with the Discovery Health Channel. I personally remembered watching documentaries about multiples and found them fascinating, so I thought others might be interested in our story. Our main benefit was that six to nine months of our lives would be on a DVD for us to show our kids someday. The idea of capturing our lives on film at this time was very enticing since we were too busy to do it ourselves. Sign us up!
Cara, Mady, Hannah, and Leah playing in the snow.
It turned out that there were additional benefits besides the family footage. In addition to covering a dinner out, the production company offered to cover our bill when we filmed at Sam’s Club, and they purchased snow boots for the children when we picked out a Christmas tree. This helped us immensely.
During our first hour special on the Discovery Health Channel, I had shown my ugly “jowls of a dog” belly because I knew, had I been on the other side, I would have been interested in what a belly looked like after having sextuplets. A plastic surgeon and his wife saw the episode and contacted the network to offer me a free tummy tuck. I was standing in my bedroom when I heard the news, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. When I finished screaming, I could not remember the phone number of any of my friends or family—or Jon!—to share the news. I was speechless (which doesn’t happen often).
What an opportunity! I would say a dream come true, but I hadn’t even dared to have that dream. Lots of logistics and expenses had to be figured out before this was a sure thing—like who was going to help take care of the kids, how I was going to be able to miss work, how I could recover after major surgery with eight small children. An amazing opportunity for sure, but would it become a reality?
Then the production company stepped in to say that they were interested in making another hour special and would like to film this as part of the show. They offered to assist in the additional logistical and financial concerns. This dream was becoming a reality.
Just prepping for being away during the surgery was a feat in itself. At the time, I could barely leave the house for work for sixteen hours without major planning. I cooked for two days straight in order to have two weeks of meals during the recovery process after the surgery. Even the decision of who took which kids, which kids got along best together took careful planning. We ended up splitting
our kids up between five different homes of friends and family, whom we were so grateful for. But that meant I needed to pack five different suitcases, write fives sets of detailed instructions, and spend a day and a half dropping everyone off. Two days before we left, Jon drove four hours each way to meet my friend Jamie who was taking Cara and Mady. The day before we left, we spent the entire day playing school bus as we dropped off the little kids at four different homes.
It felt very odd, as we headed to New York for the surgery without any kids. This was the first time Jon and I had traveled anywhere alone without any kids since I was pregnant with Cara and Mady, and we were strangely looking forward to it. On the night before surgery as we were settling into the hotel, it finally occurred to me that I was going to have a major procedure and for the first time I started to get nervous. I had been so busy planning for it that I hadn’t had time to really think about having surgery until that point.
The surgery itself went well, though there was more repair work done than originally anticipated. The muscles were so stretched apart, my abs were ripped down the middle, and there was a four inch gap. The surgeon sewed the muscles back together, removed 1 – 1/2 pounds of skin, and repaired two hernias.
Because of all the work that was done, the pain afterward made my C-section pain pale in comparison. My muscles spasmed for a full week.
A week later, when I finally arrived home from my surgery, I walked into the little kids’ room to find them in their cribs. Alexis didn’t quite recognize me because while away I had also changed the color of my hair. She kept saying, “Hi Mommy. Hi Mommy. Hi Mommy.” She was oh so adorable.
I had missed them so much! And to say that was an understatement since I had never been away from them that long before.
Taking so much time to recover from the surgery was tough and took quite a bit of creativity. I wasn’t allowed to lift the kids for two weeks but still had to take care of them. I had put the sides of their
cribs down and taught them how to climb out onto a stool, changed them on the floor, and had them climb into their high chairs.
Two weeks after the surgery I slowly started to get back into a regular routine. I still couldn’t believe my belly was on its way to looking normal again.
As you can see, the fringe benefits affiliated with making the second hour special helped us out immensely, and in this case, made it possible for a dream to come true. An additional bonus was that we had yet a second hour of memories captured on DVD.
By the time we signed up to do the television series, we had been filming for a year already. We liked the routine, our kids loved the crew members, and we loved being able to work at home and travel as a family—a win-win all around. Jon and I were in agreement that this was a great opportunity for all of us.
It wasn’t until much later that the price to pay for giving up our privacy became evident—as no one could have predicted how well our show would do.
Everybody talks about saving for college for their kids, but it was almost laughable to us with eight children, who would all be attending at the same time. It’s definitely a daunting dream to send them all to college, but every time we could, we put a little away. Even though we didn’t have a lot of money, we were not in debt. So when we signed on to do the series (one season at that time), our primary goal was to put the money toward providing for the future of our children, even though we knew that the amount wouldn’t make a dent in eight college funds. I know there’s nothing wrong with working your way through college—that’s what I did even though I still needed financial assistance from my grandparents. But we wanted to be sure they had the opportunity to go to college, and we didn’t want money to be what kept them from going. If we had an only child, we’d pay for her college, so why couldn’t we do it for eight?
There was more to filming than viewers got to see. Filming was flexible and the crew worked around our family schedule. We filmed anywhere from two hours to six hours a day, and from one to three days a week. The majority of the interviews at the end of the episodes were taped at night after the kids were in bed, since that was the only time the house was quiet. Those interviews were fun times where Jon and I would laugh and hang out with the crew. We drank coffee and ate jelly beans and often continued hanging out long after our interviews were completed. This was our way of spending time with co-workers, and we enjoyed our working relationship with them.
Leah helps by “clapping” the marker during a television shoot.
We worked hard to keep a steady, familiar crew to create a personal intimate environment. We made it a point to meet and get to know each person before they became a part of our film crew so they weren’t bodies behind cameras; they were people with a friendship and familiarity with our family.
When the cameras were off, the crew and the kids played together. They would give piggy back rides, play games, stack blocks, and watch skits Mady and Cara put on for them. The kids even had nicknames for each of them—Stinky, Meatball, Wave, and Jen
Little. When they would arrive for filming, the kids would run and greet them with hugs. Then they would start in on the stories they had saved up to tell crew.
Mike, the sound guy, used his furry boom mic as a toy for them, and Collin once used a long weed as his own boom mic.
In addition our kids had a rare opportunity to be a part of something that provided financial benefits, enjoyable life experiences, and family memories. We were amazed at how well it all worked!
