I Just Want You to Know (9 page)

We could hardly believe how much was sent to us, as fans too would send us new and secondhand clothing and toys—stuff that we very much needed. So many of these generous people didn’t want anything in return—they just wanted to help us through a difficult time where we were still living paycheck to paycheck.

I once again find myself in an uncertain financial situation now that I feel the burden of providing for eight kids and carry the weight of such a large responsibility on my shoulders.

Looking back over that time in my life when I was dependent on others to provide for our basic needs gives me the confidence to believe that no matter what, we will be taken care of. There’s a verse in the Bible that talks about how God cares for even sparrows, and he takes care of us that much more. He has never let us down. I can give my worries over to God as he has shown himself faithful to us time and again.

My family weathered the season when our financial situation was a struggle, and we made it through. Our needs were always met. I know we’ll get through the storm again because something, somehow will work out. It always does. Today, the mortgage is paid, food is on our table, the kids are in a school they love. I’ve learned to work as hard as I can while being grateful for the provisions and blessings of today, and I chose not worry about the particulars tomorrow will bring.

In our house when everyone started talking, it was like the Tower of Babel—a noisy Tower of Babel. Everyone was trying to be heard, but when I couldn’t understand eight out of ten words, everyone became frustrated. As twins, Mady and Cara have always been glued together and communicated with each other very well. When the little kids started talking, they tried to communicate with me, but not really between themselves, aside from Hannah and Leah.

Hannah and Leah were the first talkers and they translated as well as spoke for the group.

“Hannah, what does he want?”

“Mommy, he wants milk on his cereal.”

Mady and Cara also translated for the little kids. Cara’s translation was accurate; Mady’s translation was what she wanted them to say. And she made it sound so good!

Collin spoke a lot, but I didn’t know what language he spoke. It
was always sing-songy with a lot of “mommy’s” sprinkled in. Collin had a lot to say, even if I didn’t understand it.

Alexis also spoke a lot, but she frequently butchered words, so we couldn’t understand most of what she said. She took longer to walk or crawl when she was a baby, so she shrieked when the others came up and took her toys. For Alexis, shrieking was a tried-and-true method that she frequently fell back on. She tried so hard to be understood, but she would quickly become frustrated and then say, “Never mind.” Even now she butchers words sometimes. She’ll say, “What did we have for lunch, Mom? That word I can’t say.”

“Quesadillas.”

“Oh, yeah!”

Aaden didn’t talk much and Joel didn’t talk at all. Hannah talked so much for Joel, in fact, that our pediatrician told me to ask her to stop.

I remember one of the first conversations I had with Hannah. One day, she came into the kitchen while I was making dinner and said, “Me boo boo,” while pointing to her back.

“Where’s your boo boo, Hannah?”

“On my back.”

“Were you jumping?”

“Yes. Jup. Mommy, I need cake.” Now she was pointing to the freezer.

It took me a minute, but I finally figured out she needed the boo boo cold pack shaped like Strawberry Shortcake.

Then when she put it on her arm (close enough to her back), she said, “Mommy, I loo pity.”

“You sure do look pretty,” I replied as I started to heat up broccoli in the microwave.

“Mommy, my nose!”

“Your nose?” I figured she had another boo boo.

“In my nose, Mommy.”

“What’s in your nose, Hanni?”

“Broccies.”

She smelled the broccoli!

I loved their way of communicating at this age. So simple and fun, and they were all so proud of themselves when I understood them.

Another time, when I was finishing dressing Joel and Aaden one morning, Hannah came up the stairs saying, “I need to talk to Mommy. I need to talk to Mommy.” When she finally reached me in the nursery, she said, “Mommy, my jew cup [juice cup], I can’t like it.”

She came all the way upstairs to tell me she didn’t like her juice, in her best British accent—“can’t like it.” Leah did like the juice, which she referred to as her “blue baby” [blueberry] juice.

Leah used to say to Jon that she likes the “hair by his mouth, hair by his nose, and hair by his ears.” He loved that she said this about his beard!

This was also the time when they started telling on each other. At first, I tried to pay attention to all of it, but after so many months (now years!), I started making them deal with it themselves. Now, if someone starts a sentence with his or her brother or sister’s name and unless there is bodily injury involved, I hold up my hand: “I don’t want to hear it. Go work it out.” Tattling is exhausting!

I use their language as a way to set rules and boundaries by doing fill in the blanks. The little kids love giving the right answers. Here are some of them:

“I’m going away because I have to go to work, but I always come…”

“Back!”

“I only go away because I…”

“Have to!”

“Always tell the…”

“Truff [Truth]!”

“You get what you get, and you don’t get…”

“Upset!”

While the kids were using language to start communicating who they were, Jon and I used communication to survive and to handle logistics. And I think we did pretty well with that.

The good days were really good, and as a whole we worked well together. At that point our team was stronger than ever. We had the routine down, and we both knew our own responsibilities—from our schedule at home to whenever we had to go somewhere. If we were taking a family outing, I would pack everything inside and then Jon would load the food, strollers, and everything else I had packed into the van. I would dress the kids, and Jon would do the shoes and coats.

Even so, I had a lot of stress. In public I stressed about the kids running out in a parking lot—and I always wore my emotions on my sleeve. When I felt this way, it came out in anger and frustration, and I often took it out on Jon. I also didn’t focus on the fact that much of the responsibility for our children, the finances, the schedules, the decisions about the future was on me, but I felt it. So I would snap at Jon.

For the first year and half at the Elizabethtown house, I was taking care of eight little kids, with little help. Normally I was by myself all day, every day—though a friend would stop by occasionally to play with the kids, my sister Kendra would come over and watch the kids while I ran out to the grocery store, and Nana Janet still came every week. But for the most part, I was by myself and exhausted, and I often felt out of control. I constantly fought the fear of a sudden injury or accident, that I would be trapped in my home and not be able to get help, or that I couldn’t do things quickly or easily.

Maybe because we were often in survival mode, Jon and I didn’t always communicate in a friendly manner. We had eight kids and didn’t focus enough on each other. Jon once asked me, “Kate, do you realize we have been walking on eggshells for two years?” It was true. I think it was because I felt the weight of responsibility so heavily. I couldn’t get sick. If I got sick, the whole camp shut down, and we didn’t have time for that. A lot was riding on me, which often made me grouchy.

Even so, much of what I said to Jon was unwarranted. I could have watched what I said better, could have guarded my tongue better. And I knew it. The cameras made it obvious. So even if I didn’t realize what I said at the time, it was recorded for me to watch again, and again.

I wanted to communicate better, but I often failed. I surrounded myself with 5x8 note cards with verses from the Bible about guarding your tongue: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18), and “He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23). I needed reminders, since I often fell back into old patterns of communicating, which weren’t very pleasant. Still, I always felt love and dedication—no matter how I was communicating. No marriage is perfect, but I was committed to ours.

My communication to the outside world also needed to change. I was thoroughly annoyed with fans, with people wanting to see our kids and touch them. At the time, I considered all fan attention unwanted and an annoyance. I just didn’t think through the obvious—that if I put my kids on TV people would fall in love with them. When viewers of our show would see our kids in real life, it would inevitably be exciting for them. I didn’t make the connection that having people who cared—fans—meant our show continued, and therefore our job continued. I needed the fans, but I didn’t know it.

I became aware of what a spoiled brat I was being. When I started speaking and telling our story and getting out in the world alone, I had the chance to look around and see reactions and responses rather than to focus so intensely on my eight kids.

When I would speak in front of an audience and tell them our story, I felt completely supported and loved by the crowd. It was truly amazing. And during my book signings, people waited in line for an autograph, and with tears in their eyes, they told me their stories in return. I’ve heard many times: “Kate, you’re such an inspiration to me. If you can do it with eight kids, I can do it with two.” That is so encouraging to me! Suddenly, I noticed a reciprocal supportive bond had formed. I now noticed that my fans had become my inspiration just as much as I was theirs. I truly am grateful for them!

I started to consciously pay attention and appreciate the people who supported me. Thousands of emails came in, crashing our server, telling us how glad they were that we were so real on TV. And I have no choice but to be real, by the way—I’m too busy to learn lines or rehearse.

I saw the world differently. I realized all moms are the same—we want the best for our families and want to do our best every day. I’m a mom first, like every other mom out there. I still identify with the unshowered stay-at-home mom wearing a dirty T-shirt and sweatpants with hair that sticks up. Being a mom can be very monotonous; stay-at-home moms need tons of encouragement as no one realizes how incredibly difficult each day is. On the other hand, it truly is the most fulfilling job you can ever have.

It wasn’t until I realized this that my communication changed.