I Kissed Dating Goodbye (8 page)

chapter five

How to keep impatience from robbing You of the gift of singleness

In The Book of Virtues, William J. Bennett tells a story called "The Magic Thread." In this French tale we read of Peter, a boy who is strong and able yet sadly flawed by an attitude of impatience. Always dissatisfied with his present condition, Peter spends his life daydreaming about the future.

One day while wandering in the forest, Peter meets a strange, old woman who gives him a most tantalizing opportunity --the chance to skip the dull, mundane moments of life. She hands Peter a silver ball from which a tiny, gold thread protrudes. "This is your life thread," she explains. "Do not touch it and time will pass normally. But if you wish time to pass more quickly, you have only to pull the thread a little way and an hour will pass like a second. But I warn you, once the thread has been pulled out, it cannot be pushed back in again."

This magical thread seems the answer to all of Peter's problems. It is just what he has always wanted. He takes the ball and runs home.

The following day in school Peter has his first opportunity to put the silver ball to use. The lesson is dragging, and the

joshua harris teacher scolds Peter for not concentrating. Peter fingers the silver ball and gives the thread a slight tug. Suddenly the teacher dismisses the class, and Peter is free to leave school. He is overjoyed! How easy his life will now be. From this moment, Peter begins to pull the thread a little every day.

But soon Peter begins to use the magic thread to rush through larger portions of life. Why waste time pulling the thread just a little every day when he can pull it hard and complete school altogether? He does so and finds himself out of school and apprenticed in a trade. Peter uses the same technique to rush through his engagement to his sweetheart. He cannot bear

But sadly, when he comes to the end of his life, Peter realizes the emptiness of such an existence. By allowing impatience and discontentment to rule him, Peter has robbed himself of life's richest moments and memories. With only the grave to look forward to, he deeply regrets ever having used the magic thread.

In introducing this story, Mr. Bennett insightfully comments, "Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually "happiness" in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile."

the right thing at the wrong time. .. 75 does impatience dictate our dating?

I think we can gain valuable insight from Mr. Bennett's words as we examine the attitudes that guide dating. As we apply his words to the subject of this book, we move from the ethereal topic of love to the more concrete subject of timing. When we pursue romance is a major factor in determining whether or not dating is appropriate for us. And we can only determine the appropriate time to pursue romance when we understand Gods purpose for singleness and trust His timing for relationships.

Dating as we now know it is often fueled by impatience, and we can directly relate many problems with dating to wrong timing. We want what we want right now. Though we don't possess a magical gold thread to rush us through life, we can develop wrong attitudes that have a similar effect. But God wants us to appreciate the gifts of the present season of our lives. He wants us to learn the patience and trust necessary to wait for his perfect timing in all things, including our love lives.

Let's examine three simple truths that can help adjust wrong attitudes toward the timing of relationships.

Our "do it all now" mentality has tremendously affected the timing of tds dating relationships. Kids involve themselves in dating and even sexual relationships at an increasingly young age. As young people rush prematurely into these adult activities, most of their elders do little to correct them. After all, what can adults say when they live by the same "grab it all now" attitude?

Why do we insist on living this way? In my opinion, we adopt the immediate gratification mentality because we've lost sight of the biblical principle of seasons (see Ecclesiastes

3:1-8). Just as springs role is different from that of fall, so each of the seasons of our lives has a different emphasis, focus, and beauty. One is not better than another; each season yields its own unique treasures. We cannot skip ahead to experience the riches of another life season any more than a farmer can rush the spring. Each season builds on the one before it.

God has many wonderful experiences He wants to give to us, but He also assigns these experiences to particular seasons of our lives. In our humanness, we often make the mistake of taking a good thing out of its appropriate season to enjoy it when we want it. Premarital sex is a prime example of this principle. Sex in itself is a wonderful experience (from what my married friends tell me), but if we indulge in it outside of God's plan, we sin. Like a fruit picked green or a flower plucked before it blossoms, our attempts to rush God's timing can spoil the beauty of His plan for our lives.

Just because something is good doesn't mean we should pursue it right now. We have to remember that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

shopping for an outfit when you don't have any money; even if

the right thing at the wrong time... 77 you find the "perfect fit," what can you do about it?

In chapter 3, the third "new attitude" addressed the importance of waiting for God's timing. It stated, "Intimacy is the reward of commitment--I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage."

We could restate this by saying, "Intimacy "costs" commitment. If I'm not in a position to pay in the cold, hard "cash" of commitment, I have no business "going shopping" for my future mate."

Before two people are ready for the responsibility of commitment, they should content themselves with friendship and wait for romance and intimacy. Exercising this patience will not handicap them relationally. In friendship, they can practice the skills of relating, caring, and sharing their lives with other people. In friendship, they can observe other people's characters and begin to see what they'll one day want in their mates. While we can learn worthwhile lessons from dating relationships, we need to make sure these relationships don't bog us down. Wasting too much time trying each other out as boyfriend and girlfriend can actually distract two people from the more important task of preparing to be good spouses.

God has a perfect plan for your life. More than likely, that plan includes marriage, and if so, somewhere in this world God has the perfect person for you. You may or may not know this person right now. If you spend all your time and energy trying to hunt this person down or (if you've already found this person) trying to contain him or her until you can marry, you might actually do that person a disservice. The guy or girl you will one day marry doesn't need a girlfriend or boyfriend (even though he or she may want one right now). What that person really needs is someone mature enough to spend the season before marriage preparing to be a godly wife or husband.

joshua harris

Let's do our future spouses a favor and stop shopping around prematurely.

3. Any season of singleness is a gift from

Paul doesn't say this to put marriage down. He says it to encourage us to view singleness as a gift. God doesn't use our singleness to punish us. He has created this season as an unparalleled opportunity for growth and service that we shouldn't take for granted or allow to slip by.

One person rightly stated, "Don't do something about your singlehood--do something with it!" Stop for just a minute and evaluate whether you're using God's gift of singleness as He desires. Ask yourself these questions: "Am I concentrating on "simply pleasing the Master"? Am I using this season of my life to become a "whole and holy" instrument for God? Or am I scrambling to find a romantic relationship with someone by

the right thing at the wrong time... 79 dating? Could I possibly be throwing away the gift of singleness? Am I cluttering my life with needless complications and worries of dating?"

While we're single, dating not only keeps us from preparing for marriage, it can quite possibly rob us of the gift of singleness. Dating can tie us down in a series of pseudo relationships, but God wants us to maximize our freedom and flexibility to serve Him. Any season of singleness, whether you're sixteen or twenty-six, is a gift. You just might do God a disservice by wasting its potential on a lifestyle of short-term dating.

Do You really trust him?

Though simply stated, these three truths bring about radical lifestyle changes when we apply them to our lives. To do so requires us to wait. That's right; God just asks us to wait. While you might not find that idea bold or daring or very impressive, it is obedient, and our obedience impresses God.

I know these worries are silly. In my better moments I admit I haven't based these fears on the reality of the loving, caring Father in heaven whom I've come to know. But even though I know He's a good God, I often allow my lack of faith to affect the way I approach dating.

joshua harris

I fear God might forget me. Instead of trusting in His perfect timing, I often try to take things into my own hands. I grab my life's calendar from God and frantically begin to pencil in my own plans and agendas. "God, I know you're omnipotent and all that," I say, "but I really think you missed the fact that this girl over here is my destiny. If I don't go after her now, my future will pass me by!" Eventually I sheepishly hand back the scheduling of my time, energy, and attention, saying, "Of course I trust you, Lord, but I just think You could use a little help."

dating and marshmallows

An article in Time magazine left this indelible image in my mind: a little child sitting alone in a room, staring at a marshmallow. This strange picture captures the feelings I sometimes have in my struggle to trust God to take care of my future marital status.

The articles subject was unrelated to dating--and marshmallows, too, for that matter. It was about actual research done with children. The first few paragraphs went this way:

It turns out that a scientist can see the future by watching four-year-olds interact with a marshmallow. The researcher invites the children, one by one, into a plain room and begins the gentle torment. "You can have this marshmallow right now," he says. "But if you wait while I run an errand, you can have two marshmallows when I get back." And then he leaves.

Some children grab the treat the minute he's out the