I Know I've Been Changed (16 page)

Chapter 27

I
knew I should’ve stayed in bed. I was leaning out the passenger door of our news truck, throwing up again. It had been nearly a month since my wedding. Myles and I had taken a luxurious five-day honeymoon in Belize. We didn’t have one single argument the whole time. With the exception of a few bouts with morning sickness, everything had gone extremely well. I hated to come back, but both of us had to get back to work. Since I’d been back, I was really just going through the motions. The job didn’t excite me anymore.

I was in the station parking lot about to head out to interview Houston’s mayor in twenty minutes. My photographer, Ray, and I were doing a profile on the mayor’s final year in office. Myles was still trying to figure out if he’d get the mayor’s endorsement, so I was hoping to ease that into the conversation. But now, I’d be lucky if I didn’t throw up all over him. Not only did I feel nauseous, but I was exhausted and it was only ten in the morning.

“Are you going to be okay?” Ray asked. He was looking at me with a disgusted look across his face. I guess he was worried about me throwing up in his new Ford Expedition news truck.

“Yeah,” I responded, wiping my mouth. “That Chinese food I had last night must’ve been bad. I’ve been throwing up all day.” I hadn’t told anyone at work yet I was pregnant. I was trying to wait until I was well into my second term.

“Maybe we should reschedule this interview.”

“No, it took me too long to get this set up. If I cancel now, I can forget about doing this interview.” Normally, I would’ve let the producer do the interview, but since I had a personal agenda, I’d decided to do this one myself.

“Okay, just let me know if I need to pull over.”

I nodded as I leaned my head back against the seat. “I should be okay.”

Ray backed the truck up and began making his way downtown. As we got closer to the mayor’s office, I pulled out my makeup bag to freshen up. I might be sick, but I sure didn’t need to look it.

“I’m going to pull into this gas station and get a Gatorade. Do you want anything?”

I shook my head. I just wanted to get back to the station so I could get home. I had a doctor’s appointment later this afternoon, so they already had the fill-in anchor scheduled to do my newscast today. If we could wrap up this interview quickly, I could be back home in more than enough time to take a nice, long nap before my appointment. I closed my eyes as Ray navigated the Expedition into the Shell station. I heard him get out of the truck and prayed that he would make it quick.

By the time we made it to the mayor’s office and up to his fourth-floor office, we had ten minutes to spare before our interview. I felt awful and just wanted to go home and get some rest. So, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief when the mayor’s personal assistant told me we’d have to reschedule.

“I’m so sorry, Rae,” she said, “the mayor’s flight has been delayed and it looks like he won’t make it back in until this evening.”

I think I caught her by surprise when I perked up and said, “Oh, no problem. I’ll just have my producer call and reschedule.” I flashed a fake smile and spun around toward the door.

I had just laid my head back against the seat in the truck when my cell phone rang. I debated not answering it since digging for it in my overstuffed bag seemed like too much work, but I thought it might be Myles, so I pulled my bag up in my lap. I found my phone on the fourth ring and noticed Myles’s mother’s number on the screen. I quickly answered it.

“Hello.”

“Rae, darling. How are you?”

“I’ve been better, Mrs. Jacobs.”

“I’ve told you. It’s
Mother
now.”

That made me smile. I was finally going to call someone Mother, with pride. “I’m sorry, Mother.” It felt so good to say that.

“Now, what’s wrong? Morning sickness?” Mrs. Jacobs was one of the few people who knew about our pregnancy, only she thought I was about three weeks along. Myles didn’t want her to know I had been pregnant
prior
to the wedding. He had it all figured out. When the baby came, he’d just convince his mother that I’d gone into labor early. It was a dumb idea to me, but I didn’t fight him on it, especially when he told me it would hurt my standing with her if she thought I was pregnant before we got married.

“I don’t know. I just know I feel horrible. As a matter of fact, I’m on my way back to the station, but I plan to leave immediately, go home, and get in the bed.”

“Oh, sweetie, is there anything I can do? I can bring over some soup or something.”

Why couldn’t I have a mother like that? “No, thank you. I just need to get in the bed and rest.”

“Well, okay, but you know you can’t take any medication, so if you want me to come over and wait on you, I will.”

“I know you will. But that’s okay. Besides, I have a doctor’s appointment at four thirty this afternoon. I will see if there’s anything she can give me for this nausea. And I don’t have to worry about driving. Myles promised he’d be home in time to take me.”

Mrs. Jacobs drew in a long breath. “Actually, that’s why I’m calling. I just got off the phone with Myles and he asked me to call and tell you that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the appointment today. He had a very important meeting come up. So he called and asked me to go with you. I told him I’d be happy to oblige.”

I felt my blood pressure rising. Myles was about to get on my last nerve. Not only was he backing out on coming to the doctor’s appointment, but he wasn’t even man enough to call me and tell me himself. Mrs. Jacobs must have sensed my anger.

“Rae, baby, he was on his way to a meeting when I talked to him. I knew he was in a hurry so I offered to call you for him.”

“What is more important than his baby?” I hissed. I knew Ray could hear me, but at that point, I didn’t really care.

“Now, Rae, don’t be like that. You know my son has a very important job that keeps him very busy. He loves you and that baby, but he just couldn’t get out of this last minute meeting.”

Now, not only was I sick to my stomach, but my head had started pounding. There was no sense in debating this with her. Myles was the apple of her eye and could do no wrong, so arguing with her would be pointless.

“Fine. Thank you for calling me and letting me know. But I’ll be okay at the doctor’s by myself.” As much as I loved Myles’s mother, right now I just wanted to get off the phone with her.

“It’s no problem,” she insisted.

“No, I’ll be fine. Thank you for the offer. I have to go; my photographer is waiting on me to shoot this story.”

“Well, if you insist.”

“Thank you for the offer, but really, I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay, sweetheart. Call me and let me know how things go at the doctor.”

“I will. Good-bye.” I pushed the end button on my cell phone, still trying to keep my fury from building.

Ray looked toward me. “You all right?”

“I’m fine. Perfectly, freakin’ fine,” I snapped as I tossed my cell phone back into my purse.

Chapter 28

I
stared at the image on the screen. My baby was beautiful. So what if I couldn’t see anything but a blob. I still knew that was my child and I couldn’t help but have my heart fill with warmth.

The ultrasound technician had smoothed cold jelly over my stomach and was now running this little device over my belly. I could barely contain my excitement. The anger I’d felt earlier about Myles’s canceling out on my doctor’s appointment for yet another meeting had subsided. He knew how important it was that he accompany me on my appointments. Especially today since they were doing an early ultrasound because my blood pressure was unusually high. I had called Myles on my way home from the station, screaming and crying, but nothing had worked. He’d claimed he couldn’t get out of his meeting. I was still mad when I’d arrived at the doctor’s office. But no way could I be mad after seeing my baby on the screen.

“Can you tell the sex of the baby yet?” I asked.

The technician shook her head without taking her eyes off the screen. “Not yet.” She frowned.

“What?”

She took a deep breath and set the scanning device down. “Will you excuse me for just a moment?” She stood up and began making her way out of the room.

“Wait. What’s going on?”

The technician ignored me and walked on out. I lay back down, my heart racing. Her mood had shifted. It wasn’t two minutes later when the tech came back in with my doctor right behind her. A short, perky blond, Dr. Trahan was the best doctor any first-time mother could ask for.

“Dr. Trahan, what’s going on? Is something wrong with my baby?”

Dr. Trahan caressed my arm. “Hello, Rae. Let me take a look at your precious little one. The technician just saw something that caught her eye and she wanted me to get a better look at it. You just lay back and let me do my job.” She gently eased me back down. I felt a little more relaxed. Dr. Trahan had a calming effect.

The technician leaned over me, blocking my view while pointing to the screen and whispering to Dr. Trahan. I tried to stay calm but her whispering wasn’t helping. Dr. Trahan ran the screening device over my belly, pushing down at certain angles. Then she took her stethoscope and listened to my heart, before moving the device down to my belly. She went back to the ultrasound machine and began typing in something. I could no longer hold my silence.

“Dr. Trahan, please tell me what is going on.”

Dr. Trahan placed her stethoscope around her neck and turned to me. I could tell the news was not good by the look on her face. “Rae, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Sorry about what?” I sat up, trying my best not to get hysterical.

“There is no easy way to say this, but the fetus is not viable.”

“Not viable? Fetus? What are you talking about?”

Dr. Trahan gave me a sympathetic look. “Your baby has no heartbeat. We checked and can’t find a heartbeat.”

She couldn’t be saying what I thought she was saying. “There must be something wrong with your machine.” I hit the machine as if that would make it better. “Check again. That can’t be right. I felt my baby move.”

“What you felt could’ve been any number of things from heartburn on.”

Dr. Trahan rubbed my arm again, her eyes full of sadness. “Your baby’s heart never got a chance to develop, and he or she will not survive. I don’t mean to sound clinical but—”

I cut her off before she could continue. “Dr. Trahan, there must be some mistake.” I shook my head, hoping there was some way I was misunderstanding her.

“I wish there was a mistake and, of course, I encourage you to get a second opinion, but your baby will not be carried to term. Now, you can either have a D and C, where we will go in and remove the fetus and all signs of pregnancy, or the baby will expel itself in a few days.”

I was speechless. Tears started welling up in my eyes. Selfishness had dashed my hopes of being a mother before. Now, my hopes were being dashed again. Maybe this was payback from God for having an abortion. Maybe God was punishing me for all that I’ve done wrong in my life. I couldn’t think straight.

“I’m sorry, Rae.”

I fought back tears as I pulled myself up from the table and started putting my clothes back on. The reality of what she was saying slowly began seeping in. Dr. Trahan and the technician watched me struggle with my blouse, which was turned inside out. I snatched at the blouse as I tried to turn it on the right side, but it just wouldn’t go.

“Here, let me help you,” the technician said.

“I have it!” I snapped. She stepped back apologetically.
That’s why you’re being punished. Because you’re so mean. She was only trying to help.
The voices in my head were getting louder.
Why would God let you be somebody’s mother? You already killed one child. He didn’t want to give you a chance to kill another. No one likes you. Your own family can’t stand you.
“Shut up!” I screamed as I grabbed my head.

Dr. Trahan stepped toward me. “Rae, do you want me to call someone?”

I looked at her and realized I must’ve looked like a bumbling idiot standing there screaming to no one in particular. I tried my best to pull myself together. “I’m sorry. It’s just…I really wanted this baby,” I said, my voice cracking.

“I know, Rae.” She paused, an uncomfortable silence hanging in the air.

“Umm…Dr. Trahan,” I stammered. “Would this have anything to do with, you know, with the procedure I had when I was seventeen?” Dr. Trahan was the only person I had talked to about my abortion. We had spoken at length about it. I would never forgive myself if I had done some damage.

“No. If you were truthful with me and it was done how you said it was done, then there’s no medical reason why you shouldn’t be able to have more kids.”

I nodded.

“I want you to go home and seriously consider if you want to have the D and C or if you want to wait and miscarry on your own. I would suggest a D and C because you have no idea when the miscarriage will occur, and the outpatient procedure is a lot less traumatic. I can get you in at the end of the week.”

I nodded again.

“Call and let me know, okay? And are you sure you’re okay to drive? I can call your husband.”

I grabbed my purse. My hands were shaking. “No, I’m fine. I’ll call you and let you know.”

When I’d walked into that office, I was on top of the world. Now, I couldn’t help but feel I had bottomed out.

Chapter 29

M
ama Tee used to always say, “God don’t like ugly,” and the fact that I had played God and taken my first child’s life because it didn’t fit in my life’s plan was ugly. While it hurt me emotionally to have an abortion back then, the bottom line is that I still went through with it. Now I was being punished for that fateful day.

I wiped away my tears. I had been driving around Houston in a daze. My baby would never get a chance at life. I had been so happy thinking of the life growing inside me. And although Myles had not been as happy as I would’ve liked, he was coming around. Myles. I needed to see my husband. My heart was heavy and he was the only one who could make it right.

The blaring horn of the motorist next to me made me jump out of my trance. I hadn’t noticed that I had started weaving into his lane and nearly run him off the road. I threw my hand up in an apologetic manner. He shot me the finger and sped on by. I started getting angry again. Not because of his road rage, but because my mind had drifted to Myles. He should have been there with me. I shouldn’t have learned about my baby by myself. I was heading straight to his office to tell him.

I navigated my Mercedes onto the 610 Loop and began the fifteen-minute journey to Myles’s Southside law office. Now that he was a city councilman, he didn’t take on as many cases, but he still spent a great deal of time in his law office overseeing the business side.

On the way to Myles’s office, I thought of all the plans I had made. I had already bought baby stuff and maternity clothes. I was going to have a local artist paint pink bunny ballerinas all over my baby’s room.

I exited the freeway at Kirby and turned into Myles’s office complex. I pulled around to the back parking lot, and as I turned into the reserved-parking area, I slowed down when I saw a man groping all over a rail-thin woman with long, flowing hair. She was holding balloons that looked like they said
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
. I peered through my window. Myles? It couldn’t be Myles. He’d promised he would be faithful to me. He’d told me that incident with the strippers was a onetime thing. He wouldn’t do this to me.

I inched the car closer. That was Myles! The woman was laughing and trying to pull herself from his embrace. He grabbed her arm and snatched her back toward him. He pushed her against the wall and began kissing her passionately and groping her breast. She threw her head back and moaned in delight. That’s when I saw who she was. Karen. His secretary! They seemed oblivious to the fact that they were making out in a parking lot in the middle of the day.

Is this why Myles couldn’t come with me to the doctor? He was so busy getting it on with his secretary that he couldn’t be there for our baby? My mind started racing. I thought of our child. A child that would never be. I thought of what he was about to do with this woman and all the times she had smiled in my face. I thought of Delana, the crazy woman who had prompted Myles to propose to me in the first place. I thought of the two strippers and wondered if there were others. I thought of all his promises. His lies. One month. That’s all we’d been married. One month, and he was in the parking lot of his office getting it on with his secretary. I felt a tightening in my chest, my anger building up from the pit of my stomach. Suddenly I lost it. I did the only thing I could do. I floored the accelerator and drove my car toward that bastard as fast as I could.