I Like You Just the Way I Am (30 page)

Joe Veltre, for getting me this book deal even after certain publishers told you that I should be scolded for the kind of material I put online. Thank you for making my wildest dreams come true.

Priscilla Moralez, for your blood, sweat, and tears. Thank you for never giving up on me and for seeing my path before I did.

Lynn Fimberg, for turning me into a writer.

Jen Craig, for your endless hard work and for not being upset with Lynn for turning me into a writer.

J. J. Harris, one of the absolute greats who unfortunately never got to see this book come to fruition.

The cover photographer and my dear friend Kate Romero; my hair and makeup messiah, Brett Freedman; and the Wizard of Oz who saved me from looking six months pregnant on the cover of this book, Maria Muradyn.

My publicists Leslie Sloane and Jami Kandel, thank you for making me more than just the girl who takes people’s iPhone photos with Jason Biggs.

Allyson Ostrowski, Alison Pace, Liz Topp, Peter and Meegan Kiernan, Laura Gibson, Jeff Bailey, Paige Mollen, Brad Mollen, Jaclyn Lessard, Stefan Lessard, Becky Gama-Lobo, Kat Coiro, Derek Richardson, Todd Garner, Jeremy Stein, Sean Robbins, Maurio Garcia, Bobby Hoppey, Nicola Jones, all the girls who attended my sister’s bachelorette weekend, David Sullivan, Alice Lawson, Christina Young, Melody Young, my lawyer Chad Christopher and the entire Gersh Agency.

Every actor I’ve worked with that deserves more attention than they are getting. (You know who you are. The rest of the world doesn’t, but you do.)

Melissa Bull at The Smoking Jacket.

Vanessa Butler at Playboy.com.

Adam Tod Brown, for publishing my first article about the hooker and for giving me a place to learn and grow.

Jason Kaplan, J. D. Harmeyer, and the staff at Howard Stern for helping me figure out the accurate spelling of “bronski.”

Michael Ian Black, for your support, friendship, and retweets.

Chelsea Handler, for paving the way.

Jason’s ex: Please call me if you ever want to talk.

My friend and housekeeper Cynthia Castro, who has cleaned up more of my period blood than even I have.

Nick, my dry cleaner.

Joan, from Joan’s on Third.

That chick who always gives me extra drink tickets in the American Airlines Admirals Club.

My therapist Shandiz Zandi.

My couple’s therapist Beth Becker.

My dogs’ therapist Jeryl Werchowsky.

Rita Lowrey at Giuseppe Franco for changing my hair color twenty times a year and for letting me take your kid with me to get Botox.

Allison Stoltz, for talking me off so many ledges.

To all of my Twitter followers whose support convinced my publishers that I was totally a bigger deal than I actually am.

Chad Gervich, for reading my shitty journals and instilling me with a false sense of confidence that has taken me everywhere. I love you and I’m sorry I told your mom I dressed up like a hot version of her for Halloween.

Jhoni Marchinko, for your incomparable support and crazy flat stomach. Thank you for setting the bar so goddamn high.

Chiara Biggs: If I didn’t marry your brother I would have married you. You are one of my best friends. Thank you for being such an incredible partner-in-crime. If I had half your wit, I think I’d be a lot richer.

Lesely Urig and Sara Farmer, both of whom I’ve known since before I realized I should be in therapy. Sara, thank you for being a better person than I am. Lesely, thank you for being worse. I love you both like sisters.

Doron Silverman, thank you for marrying my sister. Also, I’m sorry.

Samantha Mollen, for living through it with me and for giving me my best material.

Both my parents are obviously good sports and fucked me up in all the right ways. Thank you both for teaching me generosity, kindness, and the importance of hard work. Special thanks to my mom, for never following the rules and teaching me that waiting in line is for unattractive people. And to my dad, for being my biggest cheerleader and for believing I could accomplish anything as long as I dropped his name.

Though I poke fun at how nuts you both are, you have made me the woman I am and I love you both immensely.

Harry, they say the average lifespan of a Miniature Pinscher is 14 years.…

Gina Marie, my baby lady werewolf hound, who asked to not be mentioned in the book because she’s already been to jail once in her life and has no interest in returning. Gina, I adore you and totally wouldn’t be mad at you at all if you killed Harry.

Teets, you taught me how to love. Thank you for your wisdom, your strength, your horrible pussy trashcan breath, and your true friendship. YOU ARE EVERYTHING.

There isn’t a world in which I could have written this book without the love, inspiration, support, criticisms, farts, emotional outbursts, and humor of my sometimes-annoying but mostly perfect husband, Jason. Thank you for pushing me to dig deeper and be better. I found my voice when I met you. You are truly the Ethel to my Lucy.

About the Author

JENNY MOLLEN is an Arizona native and graduate of the UCLA School of Theater. Her credits include the TV shows
GIRLS, Wilfred, Suits,
and
Angel,
and the films
D.E.B.S., My Best Friend’s Girl, L!fe Happens,
and
Crazy, Stupid, Love
. Her writing has appeared in
Cosmopolitan
and
Playboy Online
. She lives in Los Angeles with two poodle angel-muffins and an asshole miniature pinscher. She also has a husband.

I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY I AM.
Copyright © 2014 by Jenny Mollen. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

Some of the stories appeared in revised and abbreviated form in
Playboy
’s
TheSmokingJacket.com
.

Photograph of painting in chapter 4 by Eoin McShane

www.stmartins.com

Jacket photographs: © Kate Romero and Joseph Moran; background bodies © Altrendo Images/Getty Images

eBooks may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases, please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department by writing to [email protected].

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Mollen, Jenny, 1979–

    I like you just the way I am: stories about me and some other people / Jenny Mollen. — First edition.

            p. cm.

    ISBN 978-1-250-04168-5 (hardcover)

    ISBN 978-1-4668-3858-1 (e-book)

  1.  Mollen, Jenny—Anecdotes.   2.  Actors—United States—Anecdotes.   I.  Title.

    PN2287 .M655A3 2014

    792.02'8092—dc23

2014008150

eISBN 9781466838581

First Edition: June 2014