I Love Dick (5 page)

C:
Sylvère what're we gonna do if he doesn't call? Are we gonna call him?

S:
No, we can continue this without him anyway.

C:
But you're forgetting that I really
want
for him to call. I'm tingling all over waiting for the phone to ring. I'll be really disappointed if he doesn't call.

S:
Well this time you should talk to him. Why let us two white guys decide the course? I got him in. It's your turn now.

C:
But I'm afraid he's not gonna call at all. What then? Do I call him? It's already feeling like the Frank Zappa song
You Didn't Try And Call Me
.

S:
He'll call, but not today. He'll call when it's too late.

C:
Oh Sylvère, I hate that.

S:
But Chris, that's why he'll do it that way.

C:
If he doesn't call today I think I'll have to disengage. Because, you know, I'll lose respect. We've done
so much
. All he has to do is call.

S:
But maybe he'll realize we've already done everything in his place. Why disturb it?

C:
I disagree. He should be curious. If some one called me and said they'd written 50, 60, 70 pages about me overnight I'd definitely be curious. You know, Sylvère, I think if this whole Dick thing falls through I'll go to Guatemala City. I have to do something with my life.

S:
But Chris. The Antelope Valley
is
Guatemala.

C:
I'll just be so disappointed if he doesn't call. How can you continue loving someone who doesn't pass this first and really basic test?

S:
What test? The adultery test?

C:
Nooo. The first test is to call.

S:
What did Ann think?

C:
Ann thought it was a great project, more perverse than just having an affair. She thinks it'd make a good book! When Dick calls shall we tell him we're considering publication?

S:
No. The murder hasn't happened yet. Desire's still unconsummated. Let the media wait.

C:
(whining) Whyyyyyyy??

C:
Look Sylvère, this's hopeless. We're leaving in two days and I can't think past this phone call. I got a fax this afternoon from a producer who wants to see my film. I didn't even read it. Maybe it's already thrown away.

(Pause)

It's an impossible situation! I don't even know what I want from Dick anymore. Nothing good can come of this. The only thing I'm thankful for is that it's not the '70s and I didn't already fuck him. You know that anguish? Waiting by the phone until the burn and torment finally goes away? Our only hope is for some resumption of our normal lives. What seemed so daring just looks juvenile and pathetic.

S:
Chris, I already told you he wouldn't call. He has a tendency to pull away. We've taken the decision for him. Deciding on his thoughts. Remember the introduction that we wrote for him? In a sense Dick isn't necessary. He has more to say by not saying anything and maybe he's aware of it. We've been treating Dick like a dumb cunt. Why should he like it? By not calling he's playing right into his role.

C:
You're wrong. Dick's response has nothing to do with character. It's the situation. This reminds me of something that happened when I was 11 years old. There was this man at the local radio station who'd been very nice to me. He let me talk over the air. Then one day a cloud came over me, I started throwing rocks into the windshield of his car. It made sense while I was doing it but later I felt crazy and ashamed.

S:
Do you want to throw a rock through Dick's Thunderbird?

C:
I already have. Though mostly I've debased myself.

S:
No.

C:
Of course. I've projected a total fantasy onto an unsuspecting person and then actually asked him to respond!

S:
But Chris, I think his embarrassment isn't in relation to you or me but to himself. What can he do?

C:
I hate being thrown into such a physical state. When the phone rang during dinner my face flushed, my heart was pounding. Laura and Elizabeth drove all this way to visit us and I like them but I couldn't wait for them to leave.

S:
Isn't that experiencing life to the hilt?

C:
No, it's just a dumb infatuation. I'm so ashamed.

S:
But even if his silence hurts you, isn't that what attracted you to him? The fact that he was inaccessible. So, I think there is a contradiction there, at least nothing to feel ashamed of—

C:
I took terrible liberties with another person. He has every right to laugh at me.

S:
I doubt he's laughing. Perhaps biting his fingers.

C:
I feel so teenage. When you're living so intensely in your head you actually believe when something happens you've imagined, that you caused it. When Leonora OD'd on bad acid from my boyfriend Donald, he and Paul and I sat up all night in the park and made a pact that if Leonora wasn't out of Ward 16 tomorrow we'd kill ourselves. When you're living so intensely in your head there isn't any difference between what you imagine and what actually takes place. Therefore, you're both omnipotent and powerless.

S:
You're saying teenagers aren't in their heads?

C:
No, they're so far in that there's no difference between the inside of their heads and the world.

S:
So what's happening in Dick's head now?

C:
Oh Sylvère, he's not a teenager. He's not experiencing any feeling of infatuation for me. He's in a normal state, well, whatever's normal for him, wondering how to deal with this horrible mawkish situation.

S:
If he's thinking about it, he'll call tonight. If not, he'll call on Tuesday morning. But he will definitely call.

C:
Sylvère, this is like the Institute of Emotional Research.

S:
It's funny how what we're after is so fleeting and so easily lost. The only way we can recapture any feeling is by evoking Dick.

C:
He's our Imaginary Friend.

S:
Do we need that? It's so mixed up. At times we reach these peaks of real possession at his expense, but through it we're able to see him more clearly than he ever would himself.

C:
Don't be so presumptuous! You keep talking about Dick as if he was your little brother. You think you have his number—

S:
Well, I don't have the same take on him as you do.

C:
I don't
have
a
take
. I'm in love with him.

S:
It's so unfair. What has he done to deserve this?

C:
Do you think we're doing this because we're anxious and confused about leaving California?

S:
No, leaving's our routine. But what would've happened if he'd been involved and willing?

C:
I would've fucked him once and then he'd never call.

S:
But what makes all this legitimate is that you didn't. What thinking about it's brought up is the essential thing. You know, I was picturing Dick before as a wicked, manipulative creature. But perhaps he's keeping silent just to give us time…

C:
To get over him. He wants us to get over him.

S:
Chris, what sort of strange zone are we entering? To write to him is one thing but now we're writing to each other. Has Dick been a means of getting us to talk, not to each other but to some
THING
?

C:
You mean that Dick is God.

S:
No, maybe Dick never existed.

C:
Sylvère, I think we're entering the post-mortem elegiac form right now.

S:
No. We're just waiting for his call.

8:45 p.m.

S:
It's so unfair. I guess these silent types make you work twice as hard and then you can't escape because you yourself create the cage. Maybe that's why you feel so bad. It's like he's watching, watching you do this to yourself.

C:
Misery and self-loathing is the essence of rock & roll. When stuff like this happens you just want to turn the music up really loud.