I Love You, Always (17 page)

“What do you want?” I say, not bothering with politeness.

“Are you going to invite me in?” he asks.

I feel my fingers gripping the door handle. “No,” is all I say in response.

Dad smoothes one hand over his stomach and when I glance down, it takes me a second to realise it’s shaking, before he hides it in the pocket of his pants. “I don’t really want to have this conversation on the front porch,” he says.

“I don’t really give a fuck what you want,” I stay, still not moving.

I watch as
a hardness
flashes across his face before he takes another deep breath, as though he’s trying to calm himself down. His hand smoothes his
hair back
and once again, I notice it’s shaking.

“We, well… I need to talk to you,” he says, almost nervous now, as though this is not what he expected.

I take a deep breath, my hand running over my head and gripping the back of my neck. I have no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about, and to be honest; I really don’t care. Considering he has just shown up here, unannounced and with everything that’s happened in the past, I’m actually not interested in anything he has to say to me anymore.

“You might want to talk, Dad,” I say, my eyes meeting his and seeing that same cold blue stare looking back at me. “But I don’t.”

“Luke, I…”

“No, Dad,” I say standing taller. “I’m done talking to you. I really don’t want to hear whatever it is you’ve come here to say. Unless it’s an apology, which I’m guessing it’s not.”

Dad stands there staring at me, not saying a word. Even though I shouldn’t be surprised, there’s a part of me that wonders how the hell he found me, how he even knew we were here. I could ask, but I don’t really want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I care. He still says nothing and as our eyes lock, I know there’s no apology coming. There never will be and it’s stupid of me to think it would ever happen. I doubt it’s something that would even cross his mind.

“Just like I thought,” I finally say before stepping backwards and closing the door in his face.

When I turn and walk back into the kitchen, Jared is still there leaning against the glass door. I walk to the fridge and grab us both a beer, even though we have open ones sitting outside. Jared follows me into the kitchen and takes the bottle from my hand. “You okay?” he asks.

I take a long drag on my beer, my hand scrubbing down my face. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Sure?” Jared says, and I get the feeling he’s not buying it.

I shrug, looking at my best friend. “I think so, I mean at least he didn’t hit me this time, right?”

This time it’s Jared taking the long pull of his beer before he says, “Yeah, that was never gonna happen.”

I can’t help but smile, knowing that neither of us would have let it reach that point, not this time. Not ever again. “Yeah, I know,” I say, clapping him on the shoulder. “Thanks for having my back though.”

“Anytime, Luke, you know that,” he says as we both turn and walk towards the glass doors leading outside. “What are you going to say to them?” Jared asks, stopping before we go out there.

I turn to look at him and see he’s watching Mia. Her and Ash are both sitting where we left
them,
looking at us and waiting for some kind of explanation I’m sure. “Dunno, guess that he showed up, wanted to talk, and I told him to fuck off.”

Jared half smiles.
“Guess that pretty much sums it up,” he says, turning back to me. “But you know Mia’s going to want to know what he wanted.”

And he’s right, she will. My sister might hate Dad just as much as I do, but I know she’s going to be curious about why he came here today. I don’t care, because as far as I’m concerned, he’s not a part of my life anymore.

“Yeah,” I say exhaling. “I know she will, just…I don’t know… see how she takes that?” I suggest, not really sure how else we can explain it to her.

“What we need to do is make sure she understands nothing happened,” Jared says, glancing back at Mia. “No threats or whatever, ‘cause I’m pretty sure she’ll lose her shit if she thinks what happened six years ago could happen again.”

I smile at Jared’s words. My sister is funny like that, so protective, of both
me and Jared
. It’s why she did what she did over a year ago, breaking up with Jared, not telling either of us what had happened between her and Dad. It was a dumb fucking move on her part, and ultimately she paid the worst price because she lost the guy she loves and spent a year being incredibly unhappy. Thankfully they sorted all that out, but Jared’s right, the last thing we need is for her to get fired up over Dad showing his face again.

“Yeah,” I say. “Definitely make sure she understands that this visit was nothing like before. There’s no way any of us needs to live through that shit again.”

“You’re telling me,” Jared says.

I turn to face him again, the tone in his voice saying so much more than his words. “Are you alright?” I ask
,
knowing Mia and I won’t be the only ones affected by Dad’s visit today.

He shrugs, glancing at Mia again, before he looks back at me. “Dunno,” he says. “Seeing him again pisses me off, for so many reasons. And there’s so many things I’d like to say to the guy, you know.”

I nod at his words. “I know, Jared, and I don’t blame you for feeling that way. What he did to you and Mia, was…”

“It’s not just me and her,” Jared says, interrupting me. “It’s what happened six years ago too, to you,” he says, stepping outside now.

I follow him onto the patio. “I know, J, I fucked up. I should’ve…”

Jared stops, turns to face me as he puts a hand on my shoulder. “No dude, that’s not what I’m getting at,” he says, his voice low so the others won’t hear. “I mean what he did to you, to your face, to this,” he adds on, his hand clipping the back of my head now. “You can’t go down that path again, Luke.”

And it’s with these words that I know I’m not the only one thinking about that fucked up morning six years ago.

Sinking, falling

Why do you treat me this
way

Angry and broken

Never hear a damn word I say

∞

The knocking on the door is relentless. I glance at the clock and see it’s just after seven in the morning. I wonder if Jared has lost his key because I don’t know who the hell else could be pounding on our door at this hour. I drag myself out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats as I head out to the living room. Yanking open the door I’m literally speechless when I see the person on the other side. Fuck
me,
I never expected it to be him.

“Luke,” is all he says, his voice laced with disappointment.

I watch as he glances at both of my tattoos, staring at the design on my bicep, which is a creation of all the anger and resentment I feel for him. I remember drawing it over and over again as I made my way across the country, knowing I needed a permanent reminder of everything I was escaping. The music notes and lines were a design that came later, when I’d finally found something I was looking for. The two are a contrast, but also a reflection of the two biggest moments in my life. I will wear them forever but that’s exactly how I want it. I don’t ever want to forget what I left and what I found in the process.

He finally looks back at me, his cold blue eyes piercing into mine like he’s trying to see right through me. I don’t know why he bothers, he’s never seen the real me. He’s never fucking wanted to and there’s no way I’m showing him now.

“What are you doing here?” I finally ask, my voice firm, refusing to show any weakness.

“I’m here to get you. To take you back to school where you belong.”

“I’m not going back there,” I say, forcing myself to hold his stare. “I hated it and I’m not going back.”

“Yes, Luke, you are. We pay good money for that school and I don’t appreciate you wasting it by running off when the going gets tough,” he says rolling his eyes like I’m a child. “What the hell did you think you were doing, disappearing like that?”

“I made my own decision about my future,” I answer. “For once,” I add on, in case he doesn’t get it.

“Well, that wasn’t your decision to make, Luke. And what the hell are these things,” he says, gesturing to the tattoos. “What have you done to yourself? Do you know how many diseases you could have?”

Oh for fuck’s sake, is he serious? I feel my hand grip the doorknob hard, my knuckles cracking in protest. “I’m not a fucking idiot, Dad.”

“Do not speak to me like that, Luke, especially when your behaviour says otherwise.” He stares at me in that same cold hearted way he always has. It used to scare me, intimidate me, which was exactly what he wanted. Not any more though, those days are over.

“You know what,” I say, staring straight back at him. “Fuck you, Dad. I’m not really sure what you thought you were doing coming here, but I’m not going back with you. The sooner you understand that, the better.” I’m really fucking angry now. He is the last person I expected to see when I opened this door and I can’t help but wonder how he found me. I know Mia never would have said anything and there’s no one else who knows. Although really, given what I know about my dad, and everything he does for a living, I guess him finding me was inevitable.

“Luke, I’m not going to say it again, don’t speak to me like that. Now get yourself dressed so I’m not forced to look at those ridiculous marks you’ve put all over yourself and hurry up.”

I’m fuming now, absolutely fuming. “Go to fucking hell, Dad,” I yell at him. “I didn’t run because things got tough. I ran because I couldn’t stand you, can’t stand the sight of you. I’m sick and fucking tired of you thinking you can tell me what to do or how to live. I’m not going back.”

I watch as his face turns red, a sure sign that he is pissed. I don’t care. I made my decision a year ago and not only am I not going back, I’m sure as hell not backing down either.

“Luke, I will not say this again. Get dressed. Pack your bags and let’s go.” His voice is like steel, cold and hard. I used to be afraid of that voice because I knew it meant the decision was made. It was the voice he used when he took me out of school and sent me to that other place. It was the voice he used when he decided on my future, and it was the voice he used when he explained why he hadn’t bought me a guitar, despite promising me one.

I hated that voice and I still hate it now.

“And I won’t say this again either, Dad. Fuck. You.” I go to slam the door, but he stops it, his hand pushing hard against it so it flings wide open, smacking into the wall. I watch as he takes a step towards me, wondering what the hell he thinks he’s going to do. We are the same height, the same build, but I have thirty years on him, so I’m not afraid. Plus I don’t actually think it will go that far, no matter what else has happened, the fuckhead is still my father. My own flesh and blood, as much as that thought disgusts me.

“Last chance, Luke,” he growls.

I laugh; I can’t help it. “Last chance for what?”

And that’s when it happens. The one thing I honestly never expected him to do, would never have believed he could do. Evidently I don’t know my own father as well as I thought I did.

“Fuck!”

It’s fast and hard and I feel it all the way to the back of my skull. My hand comes up to my face, half protective mechanism, half I think just to see how much damage he’s done.

“I won’t tell you again, Luke, and stop using that language.”

“Why, you gonna fucking make me?” I spit at him. “You don’t get to fucking decide anything about me anymore, Dad, I’ve told you that.” I’m saying it deliberately now, just to spite him. I know damn well he hates the word; he hates any form of cursing. I’ve lived my whole life knowing that. But right now I just don’t give a shit.

My cheek is killing me and I briefly shut my eyes as I rub my fingers over the lump that’s already forming under my left eye.

“I am still your father, so yes, I get to decide a lot of things about you.”

“You are NOT my father anymore, asshole, so why don’t you go fuck yourself!” I yell at him.

I watch as something inside him snaps now. I know I’ve pushed him too far, but I just don’t care. He isn’t my father; I don’t want him to be.

I see the fist clench at his side and his arm raise, ready to hit me again. It’s like watching it all in slow motion, and despite knowing I should move or try and defend myself, I drop my hands, lean my head back against the wall and smile at him. I smile right at him in a way that says
go ahead Dad, you can’t hurt me anymore,
so
do your fucking worst.

And he does.

He doesn’t hold back, that’s for sure, his fist striking in almost the exact spot as before. The pain explodes inside my head this time and I’m pretty sure I hear something crack in my cheek. It’s hard to know what happens next though, because after the stars come flying at me, my vision filled with them, the whole room starts to go black. My head is spinning and suddenly I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep standing much longer. I wonder if he’ll decide to start kicking me instead, if I sink to the ground.

But I don’t get the chance to find out, because just as the asshole’s fingers close around my neck and he pins me back against the wall, Jared walks in the still open front door.

“What the fuck?” I hear him say and I can’t help but smile, despite what’s going on here. He couldn’t have dreamed up a better thing to say when he first walked in.

“Luke, fuck, are you okay man?” he asks.

I’m about to answer when I feel Dad’s hand get yanked away from me. Now that I’m free, I feel myself slide down the wall and collapse on the floor. The whole room is spinning and I’m pretty sure I’m
gonna
throw up in a minute.

“Get the fuck out of here.” I hear Jared yell, probably with no idea
who
he’s talking too.

“Mind your own business, this is between me and Luke,” my dad responds in a cool measured voice, as though the fact that he’s just punched his own child in the face, twice no less, is completely irrelevant.

“Yeah, and this is Luke’s and my fucking house, buddy, so you can just fuck off.”

I can’t help but laugh at how many times Jared has said the word fuck to my dad. I almost wish I
was
conscious enough to see the look on his face every time he said it. It’d be priceless, that’s for sure.

“This isn’t over, Luke,” I hear him say before the front door slams shut, hard enough to shake the wall.

“Luke, are you okay?”

I can barely lift my head and my left eye has completely swollen shut now. I try prying open my right eye and can vaguely see a blurry Jared floating before me.

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Bullshit, I think we need to get you to the hospital, dude, your face looks pretty bad.”

“I’m okay,” I answer. “Just need some ice or something.” I try to sit up but the room does more than just spin and I can feel my stomach really trying to exit my body now. “Shit,” I murmur, sinking back to the floor.

“Luke, seriously, we need to get you to a hospital, okay. Just wait there, I’m gonna call Ben.”

I don’t think I could move even if I wanted to, but I also can’t go to the hospital either. “Jared,” I say, my voice hoarse as though I’ve been screaming.

“What?”

“Can’t go man, don’t have insurance.” My asshole father saw to that when I left home.

I can see through my one good eye, a blurry Jared as he crouches down in front of me. “Don’t worry about that, okay. I’ll take care of it, but trust
me,
we really need to get someone to look at your face. You don’t want that pretty mug of yours permanently damaged.”

I know he’s trying to make light of the situation and if I could laugh I would, but everything is really starting to hurt now and the sick feeling in my stomach is only getting worse. So I say nothing as Jared gets up and starts talking into his cell phone. I don’t know if I pass out or everything just speeds up, but in what feels like no time at all, suddenly Ben is in our apartment and he and Jared are trying to get me to stand up.

“Are you alright, man?” I hear Ben ask.

I try shaking my head, but the pain explodes behind my eye again. I’m
gonna
be sick any second and before I can stop it, I fall forward on to my knees and throw up all over the floor. Groaning, I try to push myself back up. “Fuck.”

“Come on, dude, we gotta get you to the hospital. Ben, can you take him to the van and I’ll get him some water.”

“Yeah, come on buddy, lean on me.” Ben says
,
hauling me up off the floor so fast the stars are back. I close my eyes to stop everything from moving and collapse against him, unable to protest about anything anymore.

I don’t know how he gets me down to his van; I don’t actually remember the trip. The next thing I’m aware of is I’m lying across the bench seat in the back.

“Here, I brought you a shirt too,” Jared suddenly says, tossing it on my stomach before cracking the lid on a bottle of water and pressing it into my hand.

Grateful, I take a big mouthful without opening my eyes before slowly lowering my head back onto the seat. “Thanks,” I barely get out.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, jumping in the back and sitting behind me as he pulls the van door closed.

I take another sip of water, the coolness calming my stomach a little and washing the vile taste from my mouth.

“Luke?” Jared asks as I feel the van slowly move out into traffic.

“Yeah?”

“Who was that guy?”

I wince as I try to rationalise in my head how I can possibly explain who it is, with what he’s just done to me. I don’t want to admit who he is, because I don’t want Jared to think I could possibly be related to that man. But I also don’t want him trying to get in contact with my family when we get to the hospital, not realising it was my own flesh and blood who did this to me.

I take a deep breath before I answer him. “My father.”

“Fuck.”

I can’t help but smile at his response, and it’s the last thing I hear before I completely pass out.