I Said Yes: My Story of Heartbreak, Redemption, and True Love (20 page)

After the rose ceremony, I had to do one more interview before I could head home. It was about eight in the morning the next day by the time I pulled into my driveway. I slept for a bit and had the rest of the day off. Ricki and I spent the day together, getting our nails done at the house (thank you, ABC!) and watching movies. My producers came over later, and over sushi, the three of us gabbed about the remaining twenty guys.

During filming, they had notebooks where they jotted down comments, ideas, and future to-do’s. In the back, they had written down after that first rose ceremony their guesses at whom I would pick at the final one. They shared this with me when the show was over, and we all had a big laugh at their choices. One of my producers had picked Ryan, Jesus-football guy (he’s coming right up), and the other had chosen Alessandro, the vampire hunter (who I’ll get to in the next chapter). I couldn’t believe they were so off. But hey, this just proves that first impressions and gut calls aren’t all that matter.

My first date, which was arranged for the next day, was with Ryan. I’ll say, at least at first, it was the perfect choice because he was very easygoing and talked a lot, which took a lot of pressure off me.

After packing Ricki’s lunch and dropping her off at school, I picked Ryan up at the Bachelorette mansion. Then it was back
to my house where we made cookies for Ricki’s soccer team. It was very amusing to watch this good-looking, burly guy don an apron and mix batter. But after a while, the cute factor wore off because it seemed he only talked about two things: Jesus and football. Now, I love me some Jesus talk, but that doesn’t mean I necessarily want to get preached to on a first date. And football? Well, you know how much I’m into sports. During the date, I had to take the occasional break to film an interview, and I ended up intentionally leaving the kitchen every few minutes to ask the producers for help.

“There’s too much Jesus and football talk!” I told my producers. “Can’t you guys do anything?” Pulling up to dinner later that night and being greeted by what looked to me like half of Charlotte, as well as dancing in front of them while one of my favorite bands, Gloriana, played in the background, was pretty crazy, but cool. And even though Ryan continued to gab, I kept him around. Every guy deserves a chance, right?

The group date the next day involved hanging out with the Muppets, which was mind-blowing. I grew up watching the show, and here was Kermit, zipping up my dress, making Miss Piggy jealous. I got to bring my mom and Ricki backstage with me and was so grateful I could share this amazing experience with them. The day was awesome, even though the producers and I had a bit of an argument because they wanted me to sing the song “Rainbow Connection,” and I, who can’t carry a tune to save my life, was not going to belt out this famous song on national TV. I’ll never forget calling Ricki, who was in the audience, to join me on stage for the duet with Kermit. I’d never seen her run so fast in her life. And the entire time, her eyes were wide with awe.

By the end of the night I felt more tired than I ever had. It wasn’t just a physical tired; it was a mental drain. Not wanting to be a dud, I pushed through the exhaustion. I gave a rose to one-F Jef during this episode, even though he was aloof and it looked like he was running away from me one time. I saw so much of myself, when I was on
The Bachelor
, in him, and I wanted to give him the confidence that Brad had always gone out of his way to give me.

I did, however, say good-bye to Joe that same episode. I can’t tell you how uncomfortable I felt having to reject him on camera. He didn’t do anything wrong; I just didn’t feel a connection. And while the process of sending bachelors home never got easier, especially because I was sure the families and friends of all those men would hate me, after a while I knew they’d be more than fine. And I’m sure some of the guys were happy to go home. I wasn’t going to flatter myself and think I was the girl of every bachelor’s dream and that they’d be crushed to pieces when they didn’t receive a rose. I’m pretty charming, but I certainly don’t think that highly of myself. Besides, I knew there was a long line of girls waiting for them at home just because they had been on the show. Later that night, Aaron and Kyle went home as well.

I went to bed, as I would continue to do throughout filming, around three or four in the morning. Those were some long days! I prayed more during this time, hoping I was honoring God the best way I could, given the circumstances. My feelings started to get a little conflicted at this point. Now, don’t get me wrong. I was having a blast, fun, lots of fun. But I wondered if this really was God’s plan for my life.

Was part of His purpose for me getting to go on a million
dates one after another and (eventually) making out with some of the guys? Was the Holy Spirit really guiding me, or was my heart being led more by what I wanted? This would continue to be an internal struggle, even in the midst of my gallivanting. I couldn’t shake the peace I had felt when I opted to do the show, but when the process was underway, I couldn’t shake the questions—some that never stopped coming.

ten

I
smiled like a giddy schoolgirl when I knew that Arie was going to be my third one-on-one date. Since the first day we met, I felt attracted to his smoky, sweet self. While some of my dates or conversations with some of the bachelors flopped miserably, during which I’d practically beg the producers for some direction or guidance so we wouldn’t stay stuck in silence, I’d never experienced anything like that with Arie. Our conversations had always flowed naturally, with ease. The producers arranged for us to spend the day at Dollywood, the greatest amusement park on earth as far as I’m concerned. It was the perfect setup all around for a great date.

But something in the air was off-kilter. I had asked him some questions and noticed his responses seemed defensive, like he was hiding something. I started entertaining crazy notions in my head but quickly turned that tape off. When Arie and I headed to the theater and one of my favorites, Dolly Parton, showed up, I could have died on the spot and been a very happy woman. Meeting the country legend was beyond words, as was my first kiss with Arie, which left quite an impression.

The pre–rose ceremony cocktail party later that night
started out okay, but got progressively worse. Travis took me outside to say good-bye to Shelly, the ostrich egg that I unapologetically smashed on the cobblestone driveway (it felt really good!). I spent a few minutes with Kalon, which affirmed his pretentious and condescending attitude. The moment he said, “I love to hear you talk, but only when I’m finished,” I knew I didn’t like him. At all. It was obvious Kalon wasn’t winning any of the other guys over, and I knew it was a matter of time before he would dig his own grave by doing or saying something stupid. Besides, can you imagine how boring the show would be if I only kept the nice guys around the whole time?

Then came the Alessandro debacle. If you watched the show, you know I almost bowled over in shock when he associated my having a daughter as a compromise, the admission prompting me to send him home. But there was more to the guy than what aired. Alessandro, with I’m sure some inspiration from the producers, took things to a whole other level of crazy in a scene that never aired. After he informed me he was a vampire detector and suggested there was a vampire in the house, he then asked me to join him in the woods, which explains my combat boots as I walked out of the house.

Alessandro was babbling on about something, but I couldn’t hear a word that was coming out of his mouth because my eyes were glued to these various-sized crosses that hung down from almost every limb on almost every tree. If the atmosphere wasn’t creepy enough, I could see a fog machine in action vomiting a continual stream of haze around where we stood. While I was paralyzed in shock, the guy continued his disturbing vampire rant, none of which made any sense to me.
I knew in that moment that this particular bachelor and I lived on completely different planets.

The more he talked and the more dangling crosses I saw, the more furious I became. I don’t know if the producers were trying to find a connection between my faith and Alessandro’s, but I found the whole shenanigan utterly disrespectful. Sorry, folks, but I don’t think Jesus has much in common with vampires. I was so angry, I remember hurling down the lantern I was carrying and yelling.

The producers actually shut down production for a bit because I was so mad. Later, Chris Harrison, who heard my outburst, told me, “I didn’t know you had it in you to yell like that, Emily, but I loved it!” Perhaps I went a bit overboard, but I did not like being manipulated, which is exactly what I felt had happened. Eventually the tension died down, of course, and the producers and I had a good laugh over the fiasco; they affectionately christened my gust of fury as “going crosses.”

The real speech I gave before the rose ceremony didn’t air. I guess my words still betrayed much of the rage I felt. Part of what I really said to the well-dressed bachelors was, “I’m tired of vampire talk. This whole thing is starting to be a joke. I’m sorry you guys have to go through this, and though we’re in it together, at this point I don’t feel like I’m going to fall in love. This is too much.” What aired, of course, was a much more generic, nonthreatening speech. I sent Stevie home that night and, of course, Alessandro. I should mention I had said goodbye to Tony earlier in the day. He was so distraught over missing his little boy. As a single mother, my heart reached out to him, and I couldn’t in good conscience keep him on the show.

While it’s exciting to be wooed by a slew of dreamy guys, I didn’t want to get myself in the same situation as I did with Brad. I really had to get to know these guys, which was obviously pretty tough when there were so many of them. But I was committed to doing my best, which meant kissing some princes and sending home some frogs.

When the producers told me we were traveling to colorful Bermuda after Charlotte, I was ready to get my sun on with the thirteen remaining bachelors. For the rest of the six-week journey (good golly, as I write the words
six-week journey
, all I can think about is how short that really is to expect to find the love of your life!), I didn’t know where I was going. Every trip was a surprise. I loved that! It felt like being a kid at Christmas, getting to rip into a new package every week.

Unfortunately, the weather in Bermuda was disappointing. I expected eighty degrees of hot sun, but my reality was a frigid fifty-degree couple of days. But you wouldn’t have known that, watching the show. I still had to gallivant around in bikinis, tanks, and cutoff shorts, acting as if I were baking in the tropical heat.

Aside from the cold weather, the island itself was beautiful, from the jeweled sea to the pink sandy beaches to the charming shops around town.

Probably the most uncomfortable part of the trip was the two-on-one date where I was sandwiched awkwardly between John and Nate. I don’t know anyone in the history of the show who hasn’t felt weird, almost unnatural, on these kinds of dates. I, for one, felt like a dirty old man. Cliff diving was one activity on our itinerary. I think the show loves to have people jump off high places just as much as they love using candles as
props! I was terrified at taking the plunge into the sparkling ocean. You already know adventure is not my thing. Now add jumping into freezing cold water to the list.

When I watched the show later, I laughed at how fired up I looked, taking this “leap of faith.” Oh, and I couldn’t help but laugh at what John said in the interview right before the clip of the three of us jumping into the water: “This could be a jumping-off point for the both of us.” Why do I get the stinking feeling whoever was interviewing him asked him to compare that jump to our potential relationship? Oh yeah, now I remember. It’s probably because that’s exactly what happened!

The water enveloped me like a million knives slicing my skin. But that wasn’t the worst part. As the guys were swimming off toward the boat, my body was in such shock from the cold temperature, I lost my ability to swim. I started panicking and flailing around like a floppy fish out of water until John swam back and rescued me. Not a very romantic moment, though I appreciated being saved from potentially drowning. Later that day, Nate made his way back home.

I started noticing Jef a lot in Bermuda. I liked the fact that he was quiet. While the other guys were a bit more aggressive, not holding back their feelings, Jef was more reserved. On that trip, I told one of my producers that I really liked him.

“Get to know him better,” she suggested. Something in her voice implied a deeper meaning beyond her words. And by that time, I was very familiar with these kinds of intentionally probing conversations.

“Why?” I asked. “Is something wrong with him?”

“Just find out more,” she said with a smile. “You know, about his family and stuff.”

Ah. Clue number two. I didn’t know at the time that she was referring to his Mormon background. But as my imagination started running wild, I thought to myself,
Oh great. I like the loser guy who still lives with his mother.
Of course, that ended up not being the case. I would eventually find out that while Jef’s family members were devout in their religion, he didn’t share those strong ties. He did, however, have so much knowledge about the Bible. This was something that impressed me, but also clouded my judgment. At one point after meeting his sweet and caring family, I wondered if Mormonism was a religion I could claim as my own. Ultimately, however, I didn’t think much about how our different views on faith would mesh. Though I was a believer, I was spiritually dry and not understanding of how important faith ties are in a relationship.

Now that I’ve come out of that fog, I realize it’s the foundation of a solid relationship.

After I made my decision of which two guys to send home while staring at the beautiful framed photographs of the remaining twelve guys, I started feeling miserable. Not just because I had to make tough choices but because the lack of sleep and unusually chilly weather had taken its toll on my body. I was feverish, shivering from body aches and nursing a wicked sore throat that took away my voice. But there was no time to chug some NyQuil and try to disappear in my bed.