I Said Yes: My Story of Heartbreak, Redemption, and True Love (22 page)

My first date in Croatia was with Ryan, though the episode made it seem he was my last. I cried beforehand because I didn’t want to go. One of my producers laughed when I told her and said, “I’m surprised it took you this long.” I sent him home during the date, as well as Travis, who accompanied me on the other one-on-one date.

My feelings for Arie started getting shaky at this point. During the course of filming, I discovered that one of the producers had dated him years ago. She apologized for not sharing with me, but I was really upset at Arie for keeping the information mum.

Arie and I had a one-on-one date in Prague. With my tour book in hand and a carefully planned itinerary from the producers, he and I strolled around the crowded streets of old Europe as street artists and musicians showed off their talents to passing tourists and locals. By the time we reached the stunning medieval Charles Bridge that connects two parts of the city and is dotted with replicas of seventeenth-century statues, I tried to draw the information out of Arie with the skills of a very inept Spanish Inquisitor. As we rubbed the sculpture of Saint John of Nepomuk on the bridge, which, legend has it, is supposed to bring good fortune, I was getting more and more angry.

Eventually, Arie and I talked, but things changed from that point on between us. Oh, I was attracted to him. I enjoyed his company. I liked kissing him. And there was no denying we had an intense connection, but this whole situation dampened my feelings.

By this point, Jef was attracting my attention more. Unfortunately, sometimes not for the best reasons, though I couldn’t see it at the time. While we were in Prague, I had heard that Jef had jumped off the balcony in his hotel room and onto another and almost got kicked out by the manager as a result. He was asked to apologize to the hotel guest whose balcony he landed on, and though he did, Jef laughed about the situation. To him, it was a joke. A prank.

I’m sad to report that I thought his behavior reflected his edge—his fun, spontaneous, and crazy side. It didn’t occur to me that these were red flags of immaturity. Instead of letting this information sink in for what it was worth, I allowed my naivety to rule over good old common sense.

In past relationships, I often ignored what were obvious
warning signs. I viewed disrespectful behavior as a challenge, often being drawn to bad boys and hoping I could tame them and turn them into normal-relationship material. One guy I dated briefly went for days without calling on several occasions. I assumed he was playing hard to get. I liked that. But really, he was just being a jerk. Another guy I dated left me stranded on our date, saying later that he “wasn’t a taxi service.” I knew he’d had a painful past, so I chose to believe the only reason he was hurting me was because he was hurt, and if I continued to be my sweet, reassuring, and understanding self, I could change him for the better.

Apparently, I carried some of these awfully misguided notions on the show. While I had changed and grown emotionally in many aspects, I still wasn’t the smartest when it came to relationships, namely picking a guy who would be a good fit for my life and Ricki’s (one of the reasons I’d been single for so long). With that said, at the time, I had a ton of fun with Jef on our one-on-one.

Hometown dates were next. There was no doubt in my mind I was going to pick Jef for one. I also chose Arie even though I wasn’t totally over his silence about dating my producer. And then Sean was a shoo-in. Having said good-bye to Doug earlier in Croatia, it was a toss-up between John, who was from Missouri, or Chicago-hailing Chris. I opted to take a chance in the Windy City.

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T
hough it was a long week of meeting all the families, the experience was sweet. I was honored to be introduced into the guys’ worlds, getting to know their parents and siblings, who beamed with pride and joy.

Chris showed me around Chicago and took me to lunch in a Polish restaurant, celebrating his heritage. Then we spent time with his parents and two sisters. Later that day Chris’s dad pulled me aside and asked if he was correct in assuming he “sensed some love” between his son and me. I nodded and said yes. At the time my emotions were a swirling mess, so it was hard to logically process exactly what I was feeling.

Utah was breathtaking, and Jef’s siblings and their kids were super sweet. His parents were away on a missions trip and unfortunately couldn’t make it. Jef and I had a blast skeet shooting, and I was very impressed that this guy in skinny jeans was an awesome shot. At the end of our date, he read me a letter that he wrote to me on the plane. He spoke of how our relationship was meant to be and that he was completely in love with me. What impressed me most was his expression of love for Ricki and how he promised to always be there for her.
His words touched me, and I was so grateful for his openness and honesty.

I met up with Arie in Scottsdale, Arizona. Before I met his parents, he told me, in a warning-like fashion, “They’re European. They’re different, Emily. They say what’s on their minds.” I didn’t mind. I mean, I was nervous, as any normal girl would be meeting the parents of someone she liked. But nothing prepared me for the awkwardness that would ensue. While his parents and brothers were warm and welcoming at first, there was a long period of our conversation where his parents broke off in Dutch for a while. I just sat there, not understanding a word they said, but wondering what on earth they were talking about. It made me feel quite uncomfortable.

Being with Sean and his family in Dallas was a representation of everything I wanted to be, an ideal image of the perfect boyfriend and his perfect family. And yes, when he pulled the “I live at home with my parents” joke, I admit, I was really nervous for a second. And quite relieved that he did not, in fact, live at home with a room full of stuffed animals. Sean’s family was sweet, inviting. And I had a great time with all of them.

By the time I ended up in Los Angeles for the rose ceremony, I was exhausted. But I was also torn about having to say goodbye to someone. Getting sent home right after the hometown dates stunk probably as bad as getting eliminated during the first rose ceremony. You can’t help but wonder if it’s because your family was perceived as nuts, which, in Chris’s case, was definitely not true. Though I enjoyed spending time with him, I didn’t feel our connection had grown significantly, at least not enough to continue to pursue the relationship. (Gosh, it’s
so odd to even use the word
relationship
when you’re dealing with multiple guys, but there’s no other way to say it.)

As I was getting ready for bed before Jef, Arie, Sean, and I would head off to Curacao the next day, I heard a knock on my door. It was Jef. It was nice to hang out with him without cameras, mics, and other equipment around. That night he gave me a turquoise ring he had bought for me during our stay in Croatia. Our time together wasn’t long, but it definitely affirmed my feelings for him.

Ricki was with me when my love pilgrimage advanced to the colorful and historic Dutch island of Curacao. We hunkered down in a secluded and gorgeous house that overlooked glimmering indigo waters. When I wasn’t filming, Ricki and I played and swam in the pool and on the beach. Spending time with her gave me some relief from the anxiety I struggled with trying to figure out whether Sean, Arie, or Jef was the best match for our future.

All the one-on-one dates were fun, but my date with Arie was particularly memorable. He and I went swimming with dolphins in the ocean. Which is super cool, right? I mean, who doesn’t love dolphins? They’re adorable, squeaky, and cuddly! But not being the best swimmer and treading water—sans a life jacket—that’s twenty or thirty feet deep while sizable waves break right over you kinda pulls the plug on the whole cute-dolphin thing. I’d swum with these lovable creatures before, but in a pool. Where you can stand. And touch the ground. And if you start to feel apprehensive, you can make a fast break out of the water.

While my attitude was far from pleasant, Arie made the best of it, something I really appreciated about him. He just
laughed and held on to me protectively as waves surged and dolphins squealed.

Arie asked me a lot of questions about my faith. He knew I wanted to go on a missions trip to Africa one day, and we got into a conversation about God.

“Where does your faith in God come from?” he asked.

It was a loaded question but one I could answer easily. “From having nothing else,” I told him. “After the accident, I had nothing. No one understood what I was going through and I felt all alone. Having a relationship with God gave me a hope for my future.”

Arie nodded thoughtfully. I appreciated his deep questions. He was willing to go beneath the surface with me, something that made our conversations run deeper than the run-of-the-mill Bachelorette “How-are-you-I’m-having-fun-and-I-like-you-a-lot” conversations.

I had fun with all three guys. I enjoyed their company. They were all really nice guys with great qualities. Whenever I spent time with each of them alone, in that moment, I felt connected to whomever I was with. It was hard not to, being in romantic settings, frolicking on white beaches, jumping off sailboats into crystal seas, having sunset picnics on the beach, enjoying delicious candlelight dinners. I’d be a robot if my feelings didn’t gush on these amazing dates. It was easy to block out the other guys and focus on whomever I was with at the moment—not a particularly good sign when you’re thinking about marriage. I had to say good-bye to one of them. I prayed wholeheartedly that I’d make the right decision.

My heart was weighed down not only by having to let one of the guys go but also because I wondered about the
authenticity of my relationships with them, despite being so close to the finish line. I didn’t know if the guys liked me—Emily Maynard—or if they were falling in love with Emily the Bachelorette. Were their feelings sincere? Did they simply want to win? Was it a mixture of both?

As the first rose ceremony in Curacao drew near, the more I knew I felt closer to Jef and Arie than I did to Sean. Sean was a great guy, stunningly good looking and sweet. I liked him as a person and, for sure, we had formed a friendship. But I felt more comfortable with the other two. Conversations with Jef and Arie flowed pretty easily. With Sean, I noticed a lot more awkward silence where producers would have to interrupt our time and chime in with suggestions for topics of discussion.

Sean also didn’t ask a ton of questions about me or my life, so I didn’t feel our relationship had entered anywhere beyond a surface level. But I’ll admit, being with him made me want to live the life of a perfect wife and have the perfect family, and many times I told him I was excited to possibly share a future with him. Looking back, I feel I probably led him on. Still, saying good-bye to Sean broke my heart. I’ll never forget sitting with him on the bench outside the villa, mostly in silence. Sean didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to explain my feelings to him, but at this point there were no words I could offer to justify letting him go, at least not in his eyes.

“I’m not sure what to say,” Sean began.

I didn’t know either. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.

“I feel kinda stupid,” he confessed. That broke my heart. That was the last thing I wanted him to feel. We talked for a
bit after that, a lot of tears peppering my apologies. It was a hard moment for many reasons.

After I walked Sean to the waiting car, I returned to that same bench and sobbed. Sadness aside, I knew he would move on and have his pick of wonderful and beautiful women. I also knew one day he would make a great Bachelor. I was right. Sean got engaged to Catherine Giudici on the season 17 finale, and ten months later the two of them wed in
The Bachelor
’s first live TV wedding. I wish the two of them all the best!

My parents, my brother, Ernie, and his girlfriend flew down for a few days to meet and spend time with Jef and Arie. I was delighted to have my parents be a part of the show. They were proud of me, that I was taking a chance, however extreme, at finding love. Their friends were blasting them with so many questions about this journey, and I knew being able to share the final moments of the show on camera with me would give them some giggles and some well-deserved bragging rights to their friends.

Mom, Dad, and Ernie were open hearted and gracious toward the two remaining guys. While I was grateful to have my family’s support at such a critical time in my life, they weren’t much help. They liked both Jef and Arie, and if they had an opinion of whom they would choose for me, they didn’t say. I did have a feeling my dad was rooting for Arie because he was more of a man’s man than Jef. Dad didn’t understand the whole skinny-jeans-and-Chucks ensemble.

The only specific my mother told me was, “Don’t get engaged.” Which, to me, was a no-brainer. While the producers had known from the start that I didn’t want to walk away from the show with a fiancé, but only with a serious boyfriend,
that week I made sure to remind them. I didn’t want any surprises. I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment, and I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake I made with Brad.

When I had the Last Chance Date with Jef, I knew I would pick him. I loved the walk we had on the beach where we talked about our future, about family. I felt so strongly about him, I brought him to meet Ricki, who was playing in the pool, introducing him as my friend. The three of us had a great time together, and I really thought Jef and I had a chance, that a relationship could work. That being said, Jef knew I didn’t want to get engaged on the show, which put me at ease that our relationship wouldn’t progress any further than I was willing to go.

But before Jef and I could take our steps forward, I had to say good-bye to Arie. I didn’t have the heart to go through with our Last Chance Date. It didn’t seem fair. I didn’t have a clue what I was going to say. How do you initiate a conversation that would end with a forever good-bye? As I walked toward Arie that day, I hoped he could read my mind, that he could see at least from the expression on my face that something was amiss. I wished with all my heart that even before I had the chance to stutter my way through our farewell, he would knowingly just walk away, without even having to say anything. But that didn’t happen. When Arie saw me, he started rubbing on my arm the love potion he had made with one of the locals.