I Take You (23 page)

Authors: Nikki Gemmell

BOOK: I Take You

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Stress rushed into my world in a greedy, ruthless way. Stress has a lot to do with an inability to dictate circumstances around you – uncertainty, in whatever form it takes, is extremely destabilising. And there was so much uncertainty over this book. I dreaded the reaction from friends and family. Panicked that I’d shot my career in the foot. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t shut my brain down at night, felt like my life was imploding. Couldn’t finish sentences or complete the simplest tasks – freshly washed clothes were heaped in my sons’ bedroom and phone calls went unreturned. I felt as if I was on the edge of a cliff and the silliest thing would push me over. I discovered the horror of migraines for the first time in my life. My life was now held hostage by the feeling that an axe was embedded across my right eyebrow, with brutal regularity.

When the book was published, and took off among readers, the stress only intensified. Of course my publishers wanted me to explain it; the Good Author did what she was told. The Good Author got a bucketing. Often the loudest attackers hadn’t read the book. Maybe if they had they would’ve understood. I said to them back then and I say it now: why don’t you attempt to write about sex with a ruthless, unflinching honesty – and put your name to it. All those things you may think but never say, especially to your partner, your friends, your family. It’s exhilarating if you’re anonymous, but highly traumatic if you’re a wife and a mother of two boys, not to mention the daughter of two gently bewildered people in their sixties. And what the naysayers didn’t seem understand, in any way, was that anonymity could also arise out of a deep sense of love; a desire not to hurt or confuse people who are cherished. A particular trait of female writers, of course. And so we’re back to Virginia, to anonymity being a refuge.

A girlfriend remarked, within the thick of the maelstrom, ‘Nikki, you will look back on this time at your grave, and you will laugh.’ I couldn’t see it then, but gradually, over the years, could. Because what I found in the long run was that honesty connects; that there’s an incredible potency to telling the truth. People respond, movingly. It was empowering to have women say things like ‘Thank you for writing my words,’ or ‘Thank you for saying the things I’ve never been able to articulate.’ They did, for years afterwards. In fact still are.

And so it has come to pass. I’m a different woman now, a different writer. Looser, lighter, not so concerned about what people think of me. I found my courage through a book I didn’t want anything to do with. It took a long time. My publishers very much wanted a sequel, for this book did well for them. As for me, I wasn’t so sure, for years and years afterwards. The problem, or ‘challenge’, as my rousing editor preferred to see it, was in replicating the feeling of reckless liberation I’d had when writing anonymously. But over a decade I grew up. Let go. Strengthened. Loosened. Didn’t give a damn anymore about what people thought of me, and I think that’s one of the liberations of middle age. I found my voice. My courage. My boldness. The follow-up came swift and strong and cheeky and sure, just as
Bride
had. Because it’s telling the truth, once again. It’s got my name on the cover. And it feels great.

About the Author

Nikki Gemmell is the author of
The Bride Stripped Bare
, the original publication of which sparked tremendous media interest. Both
The Bride Stripped Bare
and its follow-up
With My Body
went on to become huge bestsellers. Nikki Gemmell has written eight novels and regular columns for the
Mail on Sunday
and the
Australian Weekend Magazine
.

For further information:
nikkigemmell.com

By the Same Author

FICTION

Shiver

Cleave
(published in the US as
Alice Springs
)

Lovesong

The Bride Stripped Bare

The Book of Rapture

With My Body

NON-FICTION

Pleasure: An Almanac for the Heart

Why You Are Australian

Honestly: Notes on Life

Copyright

Fourth Estate

An imprint of HarperCollins
Publishers

77–85 Fulham Palace Road

Hammersmith

London W6 8JB

www.4thestate.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by Fourth Estate 2013

‘Anonymity’ © Nikki Gemmell 2012

‘Anonymity’ first appeared in Honestly: Notes on Life

Nikki Gemmell asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Illustrations by Jo Walker

Cover photograph © Mat Taylor

Ebook Edition © MAY 2013 ISBN: 9780007516605

Version: 2013-08-07

About the Publisher

Australia

HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street

Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia

http://www.harpercollins.com.au/ebooks

Canada

HarperCollins Canada