I Think You're Totally Wrong (30 page)

CALEB:
(to DVR)
October 1st, 8:09 p.m., Skykomish. Huskies win, 31–14. We're heading to the Cascadia Inn. David is driving because he wants to learn the terrain.

DAVID:
Actually, because I didn't think you should be driving after—

CALEB:
We've passed the train tracks at Money Creek campground and are heading to Highway 2. Take a right.

DAVID:
Two lefts, then a right.

CALEB:
I've got a good sense of direction because of my Oriental background.

DAVID:
You're “Oriental”?

CALEB:
I was born in Taiwan. I can orient. The shadows speak to the sun, the sun speaks to the shadows, and the sun and shadows speak to you.

DAVID:
Town is about five miles?

CALEB:
You're two feet over the white line. We're in the ditch!

DAVID:
Okay. Relax. I turn here, right? I just wanted to make sure.

Inside the Cascadia Inn
.

CALEB:
Remember when we ate at Restaurant Zoe and the
amuse-bouche
came, the celery soup with crème fraîche?

DAVID:
Did I make a blunder?

CALEB:
You took a sip to be polite.

DAVID:
I can't believe you noticed.

CALEB:
Danny sent out a couple of small plates, and you wondered
aloud if we'd have to pay for them. My brother-in-law is chef de cuisine and, even without a family connection, you never pay for something you didn't order.

WAITRESS:
Okay, guys, have you decided?

CALEB:
I'm ready.

WAITRESS:
Are you ready?

DAVID:
I'm ready.

WAITRESS:
He's ready and you're ready. Then we're ready! All right, let's do this.

CALEB:
I'll have the special. Salad, no dressing, with lemon wedges if you have them.

WAITRESS:
We do.

CALEB:
Awesome.

WAITRESS:
How would you like your steak?

CALEB:
Medium rare. And a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

WAITRESS:
Okay. And for you? Are you together?

DAVID:
Yes.

WAITRESS:
(with raised eyebrow)
Together? One bill. I can do that.

DAVID:
I'll have the spaghetti with meat sauce.

WAITRESS:
What kind of dressing with the salad?

DAVID:
Honey mustard looks good.

WAITRESS:
Honey mustard.

DAVID:
And water. A pitcher of water.

WAITRESS:
Alrrrrriggggght. Done deal.

CALEB:
You didn't drink at all—not in high school or college?

DAVID:
Very, very little.

CALEB:
How many times have you been drunk in your life?

DAVID:
I don't know. Depends how you define “drunk.” Maybe ten times.

CALEB:
I've never seen my dad drunk. He'll have the rare beer.

DAVID:
I grew up in a family that didn't drink much. I drank a little in grad school, but—

WAITRESS:
Here's your beer. You want a glass?

CALEB:
No thanks.

DAVID:
Then, somehow, from thirty to fifty, I didn't drink much at all, because it seemed to exacerbate the cystitis I had, which may be TMI. Now I'll usually have a beer with dinner. Do you find it hard to control drinking?

CALEB:
Easy. When I want a beer, I'll have one. There have been times when Terry's had to pull in the reins, though. I've had moments.

DAVID:
When Terry works from home, what does she do exactly?

CALEB:
She's on the phone, answering email, talking to coworkers, preparing for presentations, going over contracts, and so on.

WAITRESS:
Here it is.

CALEB:
Looks great.

WAITRESS:
Can I get you anything else?

DAVID:
I'm good.

CALEB:
One more beer.

WAITRESS:
Same?

CALEB:
You bet.

DAVID:
She doesn't ever deal with Murdoch, does she?

CALEB:
No. One degree of separation. There are 900 employees in her company, which was bought by NewsCorp, which has 50,000 employees.

DAVID:
Does she feel any moral qualms about working for NewsCorp?

CALEB:
Why should she?

DAVID:
You don't think Murdoch is a supremely negative force in the world?

CALEB:
Not only is he not a malevolent force—

DAVID:
My god, are you serious?

CALEB:
Completely.

DAVID:
I can't believe it. What are you—a laissez-faire capitalist?

CALEB:
Adam Smith was one of the great humanitarians of the eighteenth century. Pull quotes from
Wealth of Nations
, line them up with Marx or Che or Mao or even—

DAVID:
Only one problem: Rupert Murdoch isn't Adam Smith.

CALEB:
I'm part free-market socialist, part big-government libertarian, part agnostic fundamentalist. I'm for fiscal responsibility. Socialism works for health and education; capitalism works better with restaurants and automobiles.

DAVID:
Those are all easy—

CALEB:
Murdoch's biases balance out the left.

DAVID:
I'm not for every social program, but he tends to support extraordinarily right-wing candidates throughout the Western world. And he's hugely lowered the level of discourse in journalism and media.

CALEB:
Fox News suffers from pseudo-journalism, sure.

DAVID:
Even that is a very generous appraisal of what they do.

CALEB:
So you're on the “crush NewsCorp” bandwagon?

DAVID:
What are Terry's politics?

CALEB:
She voted for Obama.

DAVID:
So she's not especially conservative.

CALEB:
No, but if she was, so?

DAVID:
Are people at work to the right of her?

CALEB:
Does it matter?

DAVID:
I thought you were the person who thought politics mattered.

CALEB:
She works with highly ethical and motivated people for a company that treats their employees well.

DAVID:
Huh?

CALEB:
You question life and death, but don't question your own views about Rupert Murdoch?

DAVID:
And you've suddenly lowered your periscope to whether a company gives its employees three-week vacations?

WAITRESS:
Is anything the matter?

CALEB:
The beer?

WAITRESS:
Here's your beer.

CALEB:
Thanks much. What was I saying? People on the right aren't “evil.” Rupert Murdoch isn't “evil.” Terry's been treated fairly; her coworkers are treated fairly; they have good benefits. The harder you work, the more you get paid. NewsCorp gives more than they have to in benefits and vacations, and they recognized gay unions when they didn't have to. NewsCorp owns HarperCollins, for crying out loud. Does Barbara Kingsolver have “moral qualms”
about cashing her HarperCollins royalty check? Do Matt Groening and
The Simpsons
posse, guys like Harry Shearer, have “moral qualms” that NewsCorp makes them multimillionaires? You must have really liked your food.

DAVID:
It's delicious. The food is really good here.

CALEB:
It hits the spot.

CALEB:
Sam Harris, in
The Moral Landscape
, says that psychopaths represent one percent of the population. Martha Stout, in
The Sociopath Next Door
, says they represent four percent of the population. Someone's wrong.

DAVID:
I'd vote for four.

CALEB:
Take Milgram, add human history and moral absolutes, and you can make a case that we're all sociopaths.

DAVID:
I'm not. I recognize the reality of other human beings.

CALEB:
Depends. My aunt Grace, a poet and my mom's sister, wrote a poem about the death of her cat. And the point of her poem was that people die all the time everywhere, but she didn't care. She was devastated by the death of her cat. Grace is a warm, caring person. Of course she's not a sociopath, but—

DAVID:
I don't see how it illustrates your point. A sociopath acts on his antisocial sentiments. He is incapable of empathy or remorse. Your aunt just misses her cat. They're not remotely the same thing.

CALEB:
I'm trying to get to John Donne: “Any man's death
diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind.” Are we diminished? Are we involved? I'm working off what you said about Bush. It comes down to how many points of separation there are between you and responsibility. You thought George Bush evil. You more or less accused him of being a sociopath. Not to mention Rupert Murdoch and Fox News. Therefore, I could make a somewhat exaggerated yet plausible case that you see a world divided, half full of sociopaths responsible for, say, collateral damage in Iraq but sans remorse or empathy or responsibility. I'm playing devil's advocate, of course, and using rhetorical—

DAVID:
Wait, this is all just a devil's advocate argument for you?

WAITRESS:
Apple pie?

DAVID:
Sounds great. Do you have ice cream?

WAITRESS:
You bet. All right, apple pie it is.

CALEB:
The “survivor” episode of
Curb [Your Enthusiasm]
: The rabbi asks Larry, “Hey, a good friend of mine is a survivor. Could I bring him?” Larry says sure. Larry's father's friend, Solly, is also a survivor. Solly is ninety, has a glass eye, “very Jewish.” Solly shows up and says, “Where's the survivor?” The rabbi brings out this young guy. Solly goes, “You're not a survivor.” And the guy goes, “I am, too, a survivor. Survivor Australia, ten days without shoes, poisonous snakes.” Solly says, “Holocaust, one loaf of bread a week, ten degrees below, Poland.”

DAVID:
You want to share?

CALEB:
I'll have a bite.