I Will Always Love You (8 page)

“It was fine at first. Jack adored Stefanie, and he was nice to me, too. But
then he was laid off from work and he began drinking heavily again. I was at
my
mother’s
one day with Stefanie and when I came home, Jack was drunk. He
was rummaging through a box in the back of our closet when he came across
Stefan’s letters and my journal from Germany. I found him sitting on the floor
of our bedroom as he was tearing up each page of my journal. I quickly put

Stefanie in her crib and closed her bedroom door. When I walked back into
my bedroom, Jack was standing and he threw me against the wall calling me
terrible names. He told me that I was an adulterous bitch for naming his
daughter after some man that I had been with. I tried to talk to Jack, but he was
too furious to listen to me. He finally stormed out as he mumbled that he

would never forgive me for betraying him.”
Melissa hung her head in shame.
“That’s the last time I saw him.”

“What happened?”

Melissa lifted her head and looked Dr. Foster in the eye. “After he left, I
w
ent to clean up the mess in my bedroom and was happy to see that he didn’t
tear up one picture of me and Stefan and the letters that Stefan sent to me. I
waited up for him, but I fell asleep on the couch. Around 3:30 the next
morning there was a knock on my door. There were two police officers, and
they told me that Jack was dead. He was drinking and driving and hit a tree
and was killed instantly. I was numb. I knew that Jack’s death was my fault.
I couldn’t function anymore. That’s when my parents took over. Stefanie and
I moved in with them and I sold the condo. And now here I am.”

“Tell me how you feel about everything that you’ve told me about your
life with Jack.”

“I don’t know how I feel.”

“I think you do, Melissa. Just put it into words.”

Melissa sat for a moment and looked out the window. She thought about
Jack and his death and how it made her feel. “I feel guilty.”

“Why do you feel guilty?” Dr. Foster asked.

She turned back to Dr. Foster. “Because Jack would not have gone out that
night if he didn’t come across my journal, the pictures, and the letters from
Stefan. He was right. I did betray him when I named our daughter after
Stefan.”

Dr. Foster reflected on that for a moment. “Was that the first time Jack

went out drinking?”

Melissa shook her head. “No.”

“And how did he get home when he went out drinking?”

“He always drove home.”

“I see. So it was more than likely that he would become a drunk driving
statistic sooner or later. Melissa, you have no reason to feel guilty about
Jack’s death.”

“Deep down I know that’s true, but I don’t know how to get rid of the guilt
that I’m feeling.”

“Okay. Your assignment for today is to go home and sit down and write
a letter to Jack. Put all of your feelings into the letter. Tell him how you really
felt about him during every aspect of your marriage. Tell him how you felt
every time he hit you or said something cruel to you. Tell him how you feel
now and how you want to feel in the future. Then when you are finished, put

the letter away. You can put it in a safe deposit box, in a desk drawer, or even
burn it. But from that moment on, do not read the letter. By putting the letter
away, you are also putting your past away in a place where it belongs, in the
past.”

“Okay,” Melissa said as she stood up.

“I’ll see you on Tuesday, same time. Okay.”

“That’s fine,” Melissa said as she turned to leave the office. But she was
already thinking about the letter she would write to Jack.

Chapter 11

Later that night, Melissa gave Stefanie her bath and put her to bed. She
walked into her own bedroom and gently closed the door. She knew that it
was time to do her homework. She couldn’t put it off anymore.

Melissa sat at her desk with paper and pen poised. Thoughts of her life
with Jack tumbled in her mind. She remembered the day she first met Jack
and how charming he was. She remembered their first date and their first kiss.
She remembered the first time he hit her. She remembered each time he left
bruises and cuts on her body. She remembered the first time he told her that
she was lucky to have him because no man would ever think she was
attractive or special. She remembered how she believed every word he ever
said to her. She
r
emembered how ashamed she felt because she knew for sure
that she deserved every smack and hit Jack gave her. She remembered feeling
that all of Jack’s rages were her fault. She shook her head to clear it and began
writing.

Dear Jack:

When we met, I was still in love with Stefan. He was the first and only

man that I have ever loved. I know that being with you was not fair to

you. You never really stood a chance. In the beginning we did have

some fun. But then your drinking got worse and the abuse started. At

times I was terrified of you. I couldn’t understand why you took your

frustrations of unemployment out on me. I used to dread coming home

and seeing that you already drank more than a six-pack. I knew that

was not a good sign. When you hit me, I hated you. When you yelled

at me, I loathed you. When you forced me to have sex with you when

I said no, I feared you and wanted you to leave and never return.

But I didn’t want you to die. I can’t apologize enough for naming your

child after my one true love. I did it so that I could feel as if I had a part

of him with me forever. But that doesn’t make it right.

Now you’re gone and I am here to raise Stefanie alone. I’ll make sure

that she knows all of the good things about her father and how much

you loved her. But I need to move on. I have to let you go and let Stefan

go. I have to make a life for myself and for Stefanie. I hope that you

can forgive me. But I also hope that I can forgive myself.

Good-bye,

Melissa.

Melissa put her pen on the desk and looked down at the letter. She picked
it up, folded the letter and put it in the bottom drawer of her desk. She sat for
a moment, stared into space then stood up. She couldn’t help but feel a small
amount of relief wash over her.
Maybe Dr. Foster was right
, she thought.

Maybe Jack’s death wasn’t my fault. And maybe now I can leave Jack and
Stefan in the past and move on with my life.

Chapter 12

The next week, Melissa was once again sitting in Dr. Foster’s office.

“Did you complete your assignment from last week?” the doctor asked
Melissa.

“Yes, I did,” she replied as she sat in the now familiar seat in front of Dr.
Foster’s desk.

“How did you feel after you finished the letter to Jack?”

“I felt some sense of relief. But I also felt sad.”

“Why did you feel sad?”

“It made me realize that Jack never stood a chance with me. I mean, I was
still so in love with Stefan that I could never have any love for Jack or any
other man.”

Dr. Foster nodded. “I’m glad that you recognized that fact. Do you still
feel guilty about Jack’s death?”

“Not really. I’ve thought about our session from last week, and I realize
that you were right. Jack would drink and drive all the time. It was simply a
matter of time before he would have been killed or he would have killed
someone else.”

“Good. I’m glad that you came to that conclusion. I wish that everyone
would be more aware of the hazards of drinking and driving.”

Melissa nodded. “Yes. I didn’t recognize those dangers until I wrote the
letter to Jack. It’s a miracle that he never hurt or killed anyone.”

“Yes, it is. Now let’s get back to Stefan. How do you feel about him?”

“I was completely and utterly in love with him. And I still am.” Melissa
paused as Stefan’s face flashed in her mind. “Even after all these years, after
being married to another man and having his child, I am still in love with
Stefan. And I probably always will be.”

“Do you think about Stefan often?”

“Every minute of every day,” she answered honestly. “And I still miss him
so much.”

“What do you miss about him?”

She smiled softly as thoughts of Stefan tumbled into her mind. “I miss
everything about him. I miss the talks that we used to have. I miss his
friendship, his smile, and his kindness. But most of all, I miss his love.”

“Tell me how you felt when you broke off your relationship with Stefan,”
Dr. Foster urged.

“I felt sad and lonely. But most of all, I felt the way that I still feel today.
Empty.”

“The emptiness you feel inside is the greater capacity that you have to love
someone else.”

“But I don’t want to love someone again,” Melissa stated.

Dr. Foster raised her elegantly arched eyebrows. “Why not?”

Melissa sighed and shook her head. She declared, “Love hurts too much.”

“Melissa, the power to take control is within you.”

With a genuine smile on her face, Melissa said, “Now you really sound
like a shrink, Dr. Foster.”

“I think that is the first time I have seen you really smile. You should do
it more often. It really lights up your face,” the doctor remarked.

The smile faded from Melissa’s face as her eyes grew dark. “Stefan used
to tell me the same thing.”

“You know, Melissa, people are going to do things and say things that will
remind you of Stefan. You need to learn how to deal with that.”

“I know,” she said with a heavy sigh. She stood and walked over to the
window. “It’s just that I miss him so much.” She turned back to Dr. Foster and
crossed her arms over her chest. “And I miss being in Germany.” She smiled at
the memories. “That was the best time of my life. I was somebody there. I was
Melissa. I wasn’t
Sarah
’s sister or Peter and Greta’s daughter. I was Melissa.”

“And you are still Melissa.”

“I sometimes feel like I’ve forgotten who Melissa really is.”

“Then you need to do some work to find her again,” Dr. Foster said.

Melissa slowly nodded her head. “Okay.” She walked back over to the
chair and sat down.

Dr. Foster watched her patient. She was pleased with the progress that
Melissa was already making in her therapy. “Melissa,” she began, “I’m going
to tell you something that you probably will not like. But I feel that you need
to hear it anyway.”

Melissa bit her lower lip. “Okay, doctor.”

“First loves are blind, passionate, and unrealistic. Stefan was your first
love and now he is married to someone else. You’re young. Trust me, you will
love again. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

Melissa smiled wistfully. “You sound like my mother, not my doctor.”

“I suppose I do. I apologize.”

“It’s okay. I guess you’re right. It’s just that I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of falling in love again and losing myself.”

“You need to learn to keep perspective in relationships so that you don’t
become co-dependent.”

“I guess I have a lot of work to do, huh?”

“Yes. But you don’t have to do it alone. I’ll help you every step of the way.
And I’m sure that your parents and sister will help, too. In fact, I think some
family sessions would be good. But that’s further down the road.”