I Will Save You (21 page)

But Peanut lifts his head.

Peanut stares, his tongue paused out the side of his mouth how dogs think.

Hey, big guy, I say in my head.

It’s me.

Kidd.

But I already know my dreams are wordless.

Peanut barks.

Mr. Red reaches down and rubs Peanut’s scraggly head, says:
You wanna get us kicked out of here, man?

Olivia looks down at Peanut.
You think dogs can really miss people?

Mr. Red pets Peanut until Peanut lays his head back down.
I think this one misses Kidd
.

Olivia looks at Peanut.
Me too
.

She smoothes her ski-cap flap over her cheek and sighs.
Anyway, go on with what you were saying
.

Mr. Red shrugs.
It’s nothing. I just … You know, I made up all these rules. When he stayed with me he couldn’t eat sugar cereals. Or drink soda
.

All parents make up rules like that. It’s in the handbook or something
.

Those handbooks should be burned
. Mr. Red switches Peanut’s leash to his other hand and coughs into the back of his wrist, says:
Think about it. What’s so wrong about an occasional bowl of Frosted Flakes?

Olivia looks at the sand in front of her flip-flop feet, her red toenail polish chipped and worn.

In my dream I look into the beach sky. It’s lighter than in my last dreams. I wonder why in every one it gets closer and closer to morning.

I can now see the tiny swells moving toward shore, breaking gently on the sand. The muted beach sound like the inside of an unbroken shell.

Mr. Red looks at me and shakes his head.
He always reminded me of Ben, you know. From the first day I saw him
.

Olivia looks at Mr. Red.

Not physically. Kidd’s taller and darker. But his way. How quiet he is
.

Olivia reaches down and pats Peanut’s head.
Was your son handsome like Kidd?

A smile goes on Mr. Red’s face, but he doesn’t say anything.

It’s quiet for a long time, and I wonder why I keep dreaming this every time I sleep. About me being on the beach with Olivia. Not being able to talk. Her barely noticing me.

The worst part of being in prison, I decide, is the first few seconds after you wake up from your dream. When you still think you’re on the beach. With Olivia.

’Cause then you realize.

Sometimes I’d ride us along the beach
, Mr. Red says.
Just me and Ben. On my old beach cruiser. And I’d just look at him. Sitting there on the handlebars, right in front of me. Taking everything in. And I’d get this crazy feeling in my stomach. It was just so unbelievable, you know? This skinny, floppy-haired ten-year-old. This beautiful boy. These innocent blue eyes. And I was his dad
.

Olivia smiles.

Peanut stares at me.

I look at the ocean again. The ship’s so much closer to shore. It’s just outside the breakers now. And I wonder why I always have a ship in my dream. And why it’s always coming closer. And who’s on it. My Horizons therapist always said dreams have symbols, objects that really mean something else.

I wonder what my dream ship could mean.

Mr. Red lifts his head and says to Olivia:
Can I give you some advice?

I’d love some advice
.

Don’t expect to feel like an adult when you become an adult. Even when you become my age. Even when you have a job and a marriage and two little kids running around the backyard
.

What do you mean?

If you expect to feel different, you’ll be disappointed
.

I heard it’s like that when you first go to college, too. You expect to immediately feel more mature, but you’re still the same person
.

I used to lay awake some nights thinking of all the ways I might screw up Ben because I still wasn’t a real adult
.

Do you miss him as much as when it first happened?

More
, Mr. Red said.

Really? It doesn’t get better?

Mr. Red takes off his new sombrero and shakes his head.
You never forget. Doesn’t matter how many days pass. Or months. Or years … And now this thing with Kidd
.

Mr. Red looks toward the ocean.

Olivia looks at me.

What about you?
Mr. Red says, motioning toward Olivia with his chin.
Aren’t you supposed to be in New York right now?

Olivia nods.
I decided to wait here
.

Long as it takes?

Long as it takes
.

Even after everything you heard yesterday from the Horizons people?

Olivia nods.

Mr. Red smiles.
What is it with you two, anyway? Sort of an odd match, don’t you think?

Olivia shrugs.
At first I was just curious, I guess. We all thought he was cute. And he seemed so much different than the kids at my school
.

You were curious about the other side of the tracks
.

Olivia looks at me.
I guess that’s true
.

It’s not a bad thing
.

But there was something else, too. He was always so alone. I think I felt sorry for him. Does that sound bad?

Sounds honest
.

I’ve always been drawn to people with fewer opportunities. I know it’s not the same, but I think there’s a part of me that identifies
. She points to her face.

Mr. Red nods.

Olivia motions toward the ship on the ocean and says:
I remember the day I took that picture. I could tell he was alone, too. And when I talked to him for the first time. And he told me about being in foster care. I don’t know. I just wanted to put him in my pocket. Make sure nobody else hurt him
.

I stare at the sand the whole time Olivia talks, ashamed.

I’m not supposed to be hearing this.

Then things changed
, she says.
I don’t even know when or how or why. But I started to see him differently
.

Olivia touches the back of both hands to her eyes like she might start crying.
I can’t believe he did that
.

None of us can
, Mr. Red says and he puts his hand on Olivia’s shoulder.

I feel myself about to cry, too, since I can see how bad I hurt them when I pushed Devon. In my dream my eyes start burning. A lump goes in my throat.

Mr. Red holds out his new sombrero and says:
He got this for me
.

I know
.

He said it was time
.

Olivia smiles through her sad eyes.

Ben got me the old one. For my birthday. He was six. Wrapped
the box himself and put it on my spot on the couch. I came out from the bathroom and said, Well, what do we got here, big guy? I tore off the paper and told him it was the sweetest-looking sombrero I’d ever seen
.

Mr. Red runs his fingers through his hair and puts his new one back on his head.
I put it in a closet that night. I had another one that was still in decent shape. Ben asked me about it the next day and I told him: Relax, buddy. I’ll break it out when the time’s right
.

Did you?

Mr. Red looks at her, shaking his head.
About five years later. The day after Ben passed I found it buried in the back of a closet. Wore it for the first time at his funeral. And I wore it every single day after. Until Kidd got me this one
.

Olivia lowers her eyes to Peanut and rubs the top of his head.

Mr. Red stares at me for a few minutes. Then he looks back at Olivia and tells her:
All I’m saying is I should’ve brought home a box of Lucky Charms every once in a while. Wouldn’t have killed anybody
.

Olivia smiles through glassy eyes.

Mr. Red points at me and says:
I love this guy, you know that?

Olivia nods.

First time I felt like that about anybody since Ben. If he doesn’t come back, Olivia … I don’t know what I’m gonna do
.

Tears go down Olivia’s face and my breath catches. ’Cause I realize they’re all I care about in this entire life. Just Olivia and Mr. Red.

And Maria.

A lot of these surf rats around here asked me if Kidd was slow
, Mr. Red says.
And maybe in some ways he is. But at the same time
he’s smart, too. In other ways. You have to hang around him awhile to understand
.

That’s exactly what I was telling Jasmine last night
.

They both go quiet for a couple minutes. Then Mr. Red clears his throat and says:
None of us knew what was really going on. His people explained it to me yesterday, and I still haven’t wrapped my head around it
.

Kidd tried to tell me
, Olivia says.

He did?

I feel my face getting red and when I look down at Peanut he raises his head again and barks.

Quiet
, Mr. Red says, and he looks all around the beach like somebody might be listening.

But there’s nobody.

Olivia pets Peanut.

She starts saying how I warned her about Devon, only at the time she didn’t understand what I meant, and how she never could’ve imagined it would end up like this.

She starts saying more about Devon, things I really wanna hear, but in the middle of her talking a powerful wind comes and I’m instantly lifted back into my dream sky.

Above Olivia.

And above Mr. Red and Peanut, who’s now barking.

I rise up into the clouds.

High above the campsite tents and the train tracks and the freeway lanes.

I drift above the ugly prison yard with its two-story chain-link fence and barbed wire and armed guards.

I slip back through the bars of my cell and go under my sheets and when I open my eyes everything is blurry and lost and claustrophobic and I realize if I had the choice I’d never dream again.