Ice in My Veins (16 page)

Back to Reality

When I arrived back home in Dryden, it felt like the summer with Alex had been a dream. I had to remind myself that it really did happen.

I spent the majority of my time at home with my family, and only a few close friends. I focused on my training. I ran up and down a course my father made for me out back. We had this huge hill in our back yard. It was very steep. He made me carry tires up and down the hill as many times as I could. Then I ran in and out of the pylons he placed all over the hill, as he and my brother’s aimed footballs at me. They kept trying to knock me down. I was running 3 miles a day.

I went to the rink in town for free skate when I could. I also booked my own rink time with two of my old teammates. They were both good players. They told me they were happy staying in the woman’s league. As long as they were happy, I was happy for them. I wanted more and they respected that.

I put on at least five more pounds of muscle. I don’t think I could get much bigger without looking bad. Right now I was perfect. I didn’t need to build any more. I focused on endurance.

I was excited and wanted to get back to Toronto for training camp, and see all the guys. I decided that I would make a surprise trip to Boston before heading to Toronto. I had made some money from a few endorsement deals I had done over the year.

I hoped that he would be happy about my surprise visit. When we talked he always moaned about how much he missed me.

I took a cab from the Boston airport to the teams apartment complex. I knocked on the door, Steve opened it. He didn’t look happy to see me standing there.

“Umm, Alex is sleeping Chrissy,” he said nervously. I could hear Alex laughing in the distance.

“I can hear him Steve.” I said pushing him out of the way. The laugh was coming from his bedroom.

I walked slowly up to the door. I glanced at Steve, he hung his head in shame. I knew what I would find once I opened the door. I couldn’t help myself. I flung it open. He was on web cam with some girl.

“What the hell is going on here?” I yelled. Alex jolted off the bed. He was naked.

“Holy shit! What are you doing here?” He had the nerve to bark at me.

“So this is how you behave when I’m not around?” I looked at the girl who was naked, on the computer, on her bed holding the blanket up to cover herself.

“And you, you filthy whore, why are you covering yourself? Probably every one on the planet has see you naked.” She didn’t even have the decency to turn off her web cam or cancel the video call, so I could argue with Alex without her watching and listening to us.

Alex noticed and quickly turned his off.

Tears swelled up in my eyes. “How dare you Alex.”I stormed out of the apartment. He got dressed quickly and chased after me; I could see him in the distance. I flagged a cab down and got in before he could catch up to me.

I turned my cell off. I was not going to forgive him for that. He had some nerve. I knew it was all too good to be true. He had probably been cheating on me the entire time. That was it for me. I was finished with guys who played hockey. I would honestly never date one again. Part of me kept telling myself it was only on web cam. It’s like him watching a porno. However, the other side of my brain won the argument. It was over between him and me.

At the airport I paid the $30.00 fee to change my flight. I boarded the plane and left Boston for Toronto.

I called Cathy from the airport. She didn’t care that I was two days early returning. When I got there I was still all shook up. I confided in her. Everything between Alex and I right up until I landed in Toronto. She couldn’t believe it.

She gave me the speech about guys being lonely and how, once near the beginning of her relationship with Harry; she had cheated on him. She reminded me that was worse then being with someone on web cam. It was weird that she opened up to me like that. She told me that it took her a long time to get him to forgive her. He was the man she loved and wanted to be with, and she was just going through a rough period in her life. She said maybe Alex was also.

She understood that I didn’t feel that way right now, but in time that I might be able to forgive Alex. I doubted that very much. It would always be something in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. The nagging urge to check up on him to make sure he was being faithful. Forget that noise!

I took the promise ring off my finger and placed in on my night stand. I would mail it back to him the first chance I got. I had fifteen unanswered messages on my cell phone from him. That night he called Cathy and Harry’s four times. I deleted and blocked him from my Facebook account and my MSN.

He was still able to get emails through to me, and there was three waiting in my inbox. I deleted them without reading them.

I was going to focus on me and my hockey. I didn’t need to be worrying about guys. This was my draft year. It was very important to stay focused. I wondered who my new roommate would be. I hadn’t thought to ask Cathy.

I walked upstairs and sat in the living room with them.

“So who’s my new roomie this season?” I asked.

“We were told it would be Erik Wilson” Cathy said. “However, if that’s going to be an issue for you; I am sure it wouldn’t be a problem to switch the guys around.”

Great! Erik was Alex’s best friend. He would tell Alex everything I did. I could handle Erik. “No it’s not going to be a problem.” I assured them. Erik might have an issue but I won’t. I would just lay down the ground rules. He would not be allowed to mention Alex to me, around me, or display pictures of him and Alex.

Alex called the house every day for a week. Harry finally told him to give me some time. I mailed the promise ring back to him the day after I got back to Toronto. He had probably received it.

Erik arrived at the house about 6:00 p.m. on the Friday, to move his stuff in. The Peats were at the grocery store. I had to let him into the house. He picked me up into a bear hug.

“Hey Erik.” I said moving away from him.

“Hey Chrissy, So we’re roommates. That’s pretty cool,” he smirked.

“Listen before you even go there with me I want to clarify some rules.” I informed him. I knew Alex would have already told him what had happened between us.

“Rules?” He seemed confused and shocked.

“I don’t want you to speak to me about Alex. No pictures of you and him laying around the house, or anything like that. Do you understand?” I demanded an answer.

“Whoa, OK he screwed up big time, and he knows it Christine. If he could take it back he would. Just so you know he’s having a hard time right now also.” He declared. “I mean he didn’t really cheat on you. It’s not like he was with the girl. It was over the internet.”

“That’s to bad for him. Maybe he should have thought about that before he started going on camera for whores.” I turned and walked away.

The first day back to camp was grueling as usual. Coach busted our butts. Day two we completed our medicals, and then we had scrimmages the rest of the week. I was more focused then ever before. I was faster, stronger and a much better player. I had picked up a lot from watching the Boston Bruins NHL camp. I suppose I had Alex to thank for that.

Coach asked me to wear the A. I felt honored. I was only seventeen, it was only my second year with the team and I was a girl. It made me feel good to be the Assistant Captain. Wellie got the C. He was a good guy. Not sure if he would be close to the Captain Moose had been, but he was certainly “C” worthy.

I received emails and texts from Alex daily begging me for forgiveness. I was a catholic. I did believe in forgiveness, but this was something I just couldn’t forgive.

I did hear through the grapevine that he was staying up in Boston for the preseason. Even though I couldn’t forgive him, I was still glad to hear that he was doing well.

School was better this year. I already knew many people there. They were more accepting of me this year. I started to hang out with Lena more. She was missing Moose and was trying to transfer to a college in South Carolina or a company to sponsor her. She was a shoulder for me to talk about Alex.

She confided in me that she had caught Moose cheating twice, but that she had taken him back because she loved him dearly. She told me to reconsider taking Alex back.

“Are you his spokesperson?” I had asked her one day when she had been praising the way he was with me.

“You have to look at the bright side Chrissy, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel,” she tried to remind me.

“Sure thing, I’d love to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but I gotta find the tunnel first.” I shot back.

What she didn’t know, was that I was fully aware that Moose had cheated more than twice. It wasn’t on web camera either. I wouldn’t betray Moose in that way, but it was hard for me to sit there and listen to her about it. If I were to forgive Alex he would just do it again. I wouldn’t put up with that. NO WAY! I deserved better than that and I knew it. He knew it, and she knew it!

The preseason started off pretty much as it did the previous year. The welcome back dinner, meet & greet, team dinner and the famous Rookie party. It disgusted me more this year to watch the girls wander into the back room for their sex games. Now it was a more personal thing for me. I tried my best not to let it bother me. It just went against what I believed in.

I was still the only girl in the OHL. I had no one who could understand how I was truly feeling. No one to speak to about it. My head was full of these guy’s secrets. I could not betray them. I would like for once to have a least one girl who was in the same situation who could understand me.

I called Moose in South Carolina. I missed him immensely. He told me that he loved it down there. He would have preferred the AHL, but that he would work hard and hopefully get picked up. I knew he had more to say.

“Moose just spit it out.” I growled knowing full well he wanted to discuss Alex.

“Chris, it’s just that I have known Alex for about six years. I never saw him with anyone like he was with you.” He noted. “I know he loves you, yeah sure he screwed up. I think you should give him another chance. You know how hard it is for us guys. You have lived it with us. I know it’s not an excuse. You never cheated, but you’re a girl and most girls see things more clearly.” He stated.

“Moose I can not take him back.” I groaned. “Even if I wanted to I couldn’t. I would never be able to trust him. It would make me crazy always wondering.”

“At least talk to the guy before he does something stupid.” He informed me. “He’s been drinking a lot I heard, and he never was much of a drinker.”

“Fine, I’ll email him now, can we drop the subject please.” I moaned.

I didn’t know how to start the email to Alex. I had not read any of the ones he sent me. I had just deleted them as they showed up in my inbox.

Alex,

What you did was …. delete...

Alex,

What we had was ….. delete..

Alex,

You are the biggest..... delete....

God! This was harder than I thought. I just decided on saying hi.

Hey Alex ….send.

I decided to let him make what he could from that email. I had to get to practice. I couldn’t wait around for a reply. After practice we were all going bowling. Team bonding night.

Myles was picking on me all night. I know he was just joking around, but it was starting to get on my nerves. I started to mumble profanities under my breath. Trying to convince myself not to blow a fuse.

“Ha ha, are you talking to yourself over there Chrissy?” he beleaguered.

“Of course I am, how else am I suppose to have an intelligent conversation around here?” I shot back.

He knew when I was over my limit. He stopped the teasing right away, and put his arm around me giving me a slight hug.

When I got back home, I checked my email. Of course Alex didn’t take long in responding.

Christine,

I love you more than my own life. I think about you every day. You are everything to me. I was stupid. I got caught up in it all. It was wrong of me, I know that now. It will never happen again. I learned my lesson. Please forgive me. You are not only the love of my life, but also my best friend. I miss you. Please forgive me.

Love Alex

This email just upset me more. I was crusty all day long. I was about to take my anger out on him.

Alex,

I think about you everyday, granted; I’m fantasizing about how I’d like to kill you, but still thinking about you.

Let me know when you grow up. Maybe I’ll still be kicking around somewhere.

I left the email unsigned.

I walked out to the living room and plopped on the couch beside Erik. I could tell by his expression he was going to bring it up.

I put my hand up and said “Don’t Erik, if you value your nut sack”.