If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (63 page)

Cal. Cal is a selfish prick. I have never remembered anything over the past six years. Not one single thing and now, now I’m starting to.

It’s him. I know it is. He’s
sharing,
and if he’s decided to do so, I can be sure it’s not for my benefit. It’s for his. He wants me to tell Lauren I’m remembering. He wants her to not give up on them. I won’t hold her hostage to this guy, a memory, a hope for a future that doesn’t exist.

I want to be her friend. I want a relationship that’s uncomplicated and amicable... for our daughter. I think back to my conversation with Dexter this morning.

“Just go back to his life, Chris. Cal won’t like it if you marry Jenna. Just leave all you worked for behind and do what makes Cal happy, Chris.”

I never thought Dexter would be anyone’s spokesperson. I know there has to be something in this for him and that’s what scares me. Dexter doesn’t bother with anything unless it’s in his own best interest. And usually, what’s in a Crestfield’s best interest is in direct opposition to mine.

What was with all the riddles? It being Dexter’s suggestion and not Cal’s to try out his life. What does that even mean? Cal wouldn’t like it if I wanted Lauren, if I moved back to Chicago? If that’s the case he’s even more self-absorbed and selfish than I thought. I’ve already stepped into the role he left empty, the one good thing he ever did.

I haven’t had as much fun as I’ve had today in a long time. What with everything going on I hadn’t been to the zoo in years and until lunch, everything was going great. The heaviness of the situation was gone for just a little while. We were normal, like everyone else. Two parents with their little girl, no extra drama or baggage. Before this conversation with Lauren, we had a clean slate. Nothing but honesty and cooperation between us.

Now there’s a lie, a lie that changed things between us, one that made us opponents instead teammates. I know it’s just my own paranoia. I’m just not used to lying to people. How the hell do people do it so easily? I’ve only said one sentence and I feel so guilty. The worst part is she doesn’t think I’m lying. I’d feel better if there was a hint of skepticism or distrust, but she believes me. She took everything I said as the truth and that’s eating me up.

She’s different now. Something in her expression changed right after I told her. Something left her. It could be the very thing I wanted to see gone... her hope. The energy that poured out of me the day I talked to her in her hotel room is trickling back in. We haven’t said a word to each other since we left the picnic table. She won’t even look at me now. Before, I’d catch her stealing a glance at me every now and then, but not anymore. I don’t know why it almost hurts that she won’t.

You killed her hope, dumbass! She’s in mourning, you fucking idiot!

Those words slam into my brain. A thought so clear it could have spoken aloud to me.

“Are you okay, Chris?” Lauren asks. I notice I’ve stopped in my tracks. She’s more than a few steps ahead of me, turned around, her eyes narrowed in on mine.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say and catch up with her. Second lie. I’m far from fine. I’m losing it because even though my thoughts should be mine, I’m starting to think the one I just had wasn’t. My phone starts to go off. It’s the text ring tone Jenna set for herself and my heartbeat doubles. I see it’s only a one word message.

Hey.

But it’s enough to make the feeling I just had dissipate. I quickly type
I miss you
and stuff my phone back into my pocket. Lauren takes Caylen out of her stroller. The text alert goes off again and I pull out my phone.

It’s just a smiley face but it makes me grin. I look up and see Lauren has finished putting Caylen in her seat. She walks around the car and her big hazel eyes look directly into mine. I can see the tears in her eyes and I start to ask her what’s wrong but something stops me. I load the stroller into the trunk. When I close the trunk, I see that Lauren has gotten into the back seat. I let out a deep breath. I don’t know what just happened, but whatever it was, it’s affected her worse than the lie I told her. I get into the driver’s seat and she hands me the car keys, her eyes on her lap.

“Is everything okay?” I ask, looking at her in the rearview mirror.

She nods. “Caylen might wake up. I’ll sit back here in case she does,” she says quietly. Her eyes don’t look up once.

“Okay,” I say and start the car.

Not okay! You’re a fucking idiot.

This time, I know it’s not just a thought. My text alert goes off again. I glance back at Lauren whose eyes are closed, her head resting against the window. It’s Jenna’s ringtone. Is that what’s bothering her? It’s a snippet of Jenna’s favorite song…
a love song
. I put my phone on vibrate and let out a deep breath. This is going to be a long day.

I
knew it was her. Before I even heard the lovey dovey ringtone. I could tell by the look on his face. How whatever was bothering him melted away the moment he heard from
her.
It wouldn’t have been that bad if he didn’t look so happy. If he didn’t have that smile I used to see when Cal looked at me. I haven’t seen that smile in
years
and he gives it to her over a stupid text message. She can’t even see it. I’m not mad. Really, I’m not. I’m not even irritated.

How could he so blatantly flaunt that he loves her in front of me? I told him I’d try to deal with this but stuff like that is not a part of the agreement. Ugh! I know I’m being completely ridiculous but I can’t help it. I don’t even want to be near him right now. That’s how I ended up in the back seat of my own car. I didn’t feel like such an idiot until Chris looked at me like I was some weirdo. But I don’t care, it’s better this way. If he were Cal, I’d have already hit him.

I thought I’d outgrown this. I feel like the past two years haven’t happened and my emotions have taken control from my common sense
again.
This is too much. This is all going to be too much. I see it now. I’m supposed to spend the entire day with him and his family. What if
she
shows up? I didn’t even think to ask him about her. What if she comes to dinner? I won’t be able to do it. I won’t be able to handle him brushing up against her, her running her hands through his hair. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. What the hell was I thinking?

I hear Caylen yawn and move around in her car seat. I’m reminded why I’m here and why I have to do this. Why I can’t throw temper tantrums and fold my arms and pout. I take her little hand in mine and sigh. I catch Chris watching me from the rearview mirror. He quickly looks away when he sees he’s been caught. Maybe he wasn’t looking at me. He does need to look in the mirror to drive, but since there are virtually no cars on this road, I guess it’s safe to assume he was looking at me.

He doesn’t know me. I’ve come to
that
realization. I’m just some woman who he happens to have a kid by. Nothing else. He doesn’t remember a
single
thing about me. He doesn’t feel anything towards me. While we were at the zoo, for a while, I stopped thinking about the situation we’re in. It was just us, being. It was nice.
He’s
nice, he’s funny and fun to be around. I could imagine things being easy with him. Jenna got
easy.
I got complicated, arrogant, selfish and secretive. It’s not hard to be with someone that’s easy. They probably never fight or argue. Chris doesn’t seem like the type. It’s not hard to love someone like that. He didn’t disappear on her for days at a time; he didn’t use sex to screw with her head. She didn’t have to deal with mood swings, condescending attitudes, or go through an entire pregnancy alone.

But
she
still gets the smile.

She gets the easy part. Things will never be easy with me and Chris. Our—well, my history with Cal will never let us have what they have.

I sigh and try to focus on
anything
but the situation at hand. I start to pay attention to how he drives, using his turn signal when switching lanes even when no one is behind us, and staying within the speed limit. When we get to the point of him having Caylen without me, at least I won’t have to worry about his driving. My stomach tightens. Eventually it will be Chris and Caylen. No, not Chris and Caylen. That’s wrong. It will be Chris, Jenna, and Caylen.

No Cal.

No me.

We finally pull in front of the Scott’s and he turns the car off.

“I think I might skip dinner.” The words escape my mouth before my brain can filter them. I look over at Chris and expect him to look relieved, but he doesn’t. I think he looks disappointed, but that can’t be. Why would he want to be around a woman who’s a problem? He’s seen Caylen. They’ve had a nice time. You’d think he’d be glad that I want to go.

“I’m just really tired,” I explain. Well not tired. More like emotionally exhausted. It’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be, pretending to be indifferent and not in love with a person sitting a few inches from you and even harder when you see firsthand that they love someone else. He pauses a minute, then turns back towards me, his arm resting on the passenger side headrest.

“You’ll have to be the one to tell my mom you’re cutting the visit short with the granddaughter she’s been anxiously waiting for since we left,” he says with a tilt of his head and a smile that makes me not want to be in the back seat anymore. Well it does, but under entirely different circumstances. I swallow the lump in my throat and shake away the thoughts starting to surface in my mind.

“I’m sure she’ll understand, right?” I haven’t known this woman long but I think I already know the answer to that. He displays a mischievous grin, takes out his phone and hands it to me.

“Hey honey,” her voice says through the phone.

“Hi Mrs. Scott. It’s Lauren.” I glance over at Chris, who’s grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“Oh, Lauren, is everything okay?” she asks, her tone going from cheerful to worried

“Yes, Chris is right here. We’re outside actually,” I confirm.

“Oh great! Will finished the dollhouse and I’ve started dinner. Do you like Lasagna? If not, I can throw on something else,” she says excitedly.

“I was actually going to, I-I…” And I chicken out.

“Lasagna’s my favorite.” I sigh and swat Chris’ arm as he laughs at me. Chris gestures for me to give him the phone. He takes it and, just like that, my tension is gone.

“Mom, could you come and get Caylen?” he asks, and I guess she obliges because she comes out quickly. I notice her expression when she sees me sitting in the back seat but she recovers quickly and greets us.