If I Can't Let Go (If You Come Back To Me #2) (14 page)

The truth just kept spilling out of DuBois’ mouth.

“Brigit was mine before she was ever that fool’s from Chicago. Maybe we only had one night together, but who did she come to in her distress?
Me.
”

DuBois’ fierceness seemed to leak out of him as quickly as it had come. He sat slumped in his chair, staring at the table where the young, beautiful girl sat smiling on the horse, her image frozen in time.

“Brigit had a baby nine months after that. A mutual friend who lived in Chicago told me the news,” DuBois said feebly. Natalie cast a wild glance at Liam—the man was obviously failing—but Liam just stared at DuBois, a glazed, fixed expression on his face, as if he was watching a car wreck and couldn’t turn away from the spectacle.

“I asked her if the baby was mine,” DuBois continued weakly, “but she denied it…said the baby came following her reunion with her husband. She told me we couldn’t see each other after that, and we never did. It broke my heart when she told me that, just like it did when she told me that baby was her husband’s. I’d hoped so much she was mine…” he said, his voice trailing off as though he were musing to himself as he sat alone in the enormous room. “Both Brigit and that little girl. I’ll always remember what Brigit named her… Deidre Jean…”

It took Natalie a moment to realize that Nick Malone had entered the room and stood behind DuBois’ wheelchair.

“I think you two had better go.”

Liam’s eyes blazed as he looked at Malone. They cooled a few degrees when he glanced back at the man in the wheelchair. DuBois’ eyelids were drooping and his mouth was falling open slowly.

“Is he all right?” Liam asked, his expression masklike.

Malone nodded. “He usually falls asleep about this time in the afternoon. He tires easily. I’ll call his nurse. But first…” He waved toward the door significantly.

They had no choice but to stand and leave the man in the wheelchair to his dreams.

Liam wouldn’t let her drive. He was quiet when they got in the car, but calm.

“DuBois obviously has some sort of dementia,” Natalie said a few minutes later as they wound their way down the private, wooded drive.

“Yeah,” Liam said.

She studied his profile nervously. He’d sounded thoughtful just now, but he appeared nowhere near as shocked as she felt.

“Liam, I’m sure what he said upset you, but there’s no call for accepting it as truth. You saw how confused he got at times.”

“DuBois may have dementia, but his long-term memory is fine.”

“You mean…you actually believe what he said about your mother and New Year’s Eve and all that other stuff? But those were just some delusional beliefs coming from a man who could never have the woman he loved,” Natalie exclaimed.

“I’ve seen it before in police investigations,” Liam said levelly. “The memory for more recent events usually goes first. Sometimes DuBois remembered the name Kavanaugh, and sometimes he didn’t. Long-term memory often remains quite good, though. He’s never forgotten Brigit Darien.”

“But—”

“This was it,” he said, interrupting her.

“What was it?”

“The missing puzzle piece.” Liam glanced over at her, his expression impossible for her to read. “I’ve got a pretty good idea now about what was happening with my father before he caused that car crash. Do you want to hear about it?”

A shiver went down her spine at his hollow tone.

“No,” she whispered. The vague outline of the truth was becoming clearer and clearer now, despite the fact that she
didn’t want to see it…didn’t want to even
consider
the fact that she’d been the one to force Liam to see it.

“Clearly it all started well before that day. Early on in their marriage, my dad must have been unfaithful to my mother. She must have found out, and fled to Tahoe in her distress…to her old friend Lincoln DuBois.”

Natalie hated the flat quality to his voice, as though he spoke of strangers, not his own family.

“DuBois and my mother obviously had a brief affair, but my mother went back to Chicago and reunited with my father. Maybe since she’d been unfaithful, as well, she decided they’d both erred, and she could forgive him for what he’d done. Who knows? But they decided to commit again to their marriage, and if my observations mean anything, they were successful. They’d certainly seemed happy and devoted during my entire childhood. They moved on. Everything must have been fine until Deidre was in a boating accident and had to go into the hospital, some eighteen years after my parents’ had both faltered in their marriage.”

Natalie’s eyes burned with unshed tears. Dread filled her chest, but her damned curiosity made her ask the question anyway.

“What has Deidre being in an accident got to do with anything?”

“The accident happened the week before my dad died. She got a cut on her leg and it severed a vein. She had to stay in the hospital for a night or two. They gave her a blood transfusion, patched her up and she was good to go. She was home before the crash ever occurred, getting up from bed against doctor’s orders when my mother wasn’t looking. Nobody could keep Deidre down for long,” he murmured. His hands tightened on the wheel.

“Liam, pull the car over,” she pleaded hoarsely, the alarm in her head starting to wail out a warning.

But he continued as if he hadn’t heard her, as if he felt compelled to tell a story that had remained untold for half their lifetimes. “Somehow, my father must have become aware of something in Deidre’s medical information while he was visiting her in the hospital. I don’t know what, exactly, something to do with her genetics—that’s why he needed to see his friend Dr. Mulonovic, the pediatric geneticist. Whatever Mulonovic told him must have confirmed his suspicions. I’m assuming my dad discovered Deidre’s blood type while there in the hospital, although I can’t be a hundred percent certain about that. Deidre had required a blood transfusion, so her blood type easily could have been mentioned to my dad. Blood type can’t confirm paternity, but it
can
rule it out.

“I don’t know if my father confronted my mother that weekend, or if he recovered our birth records and then presented them to Dr. Mulonovic. I’m thinking that’s what he did. He might not have been certain about the facts, and didn’t want to be wrong when he confronted my mother.”

Natalie opened her eyes. Tears spilled down her cheeks.

“It must have been hell for Dad, surviving that weekend without knowing for sure, but starting to guess the truth. He and Deidre were always so close. They had such a special relationship.”

His voice broke at the last.

“Liam, pull over.
Please,
” Natalie said in a strangled voice.

He glanced over at her. When he saw the tears on her cheeks, he did what she asked, pulling into a gas station parking lot about a half a mile down the road. When he turned off the engine, he just sat there, his hands remaining on the steering wheel, staring out the window.

“She knew,” he said quietly.

“
Who
knew?”

“My sister. Deidre.
That’s
why she left Harbor Town. That’s why she never came back. That’s why her and Mom’s
relationship was severed after the crash. It wasn’t because she blamed Mom for hiding Dad’s drinking—or at least it wasn’t just that. Deidre found out she wasn’t Dad’s biological daughter.”

“Oh, Liam…” Natalie murmured miserably.

“Deidre was in the house with Mom when Dad came back to Harbor Town unexpectedly on that Tuesday,” Liam continued in a hoarse whisper, his eyes vacant. “I was at the beach. Marc was out with Mari. Colleen was at cheerleader camp. But Deidre was there. She was supposed to stay in bed, but my mom couldn’t keep her down. I’ll bet she got up with her crutches when she heard Dad’s voice. She must have overheard something…my dad confronting my mom…
God
…poor Deidre…how that must have hit her,” he said brokenly, as if the truth had finally penetrated and he’d seen the horror of it.

Natalie put her hand on his forearm. He looked at her. A spasm of emotion went through his face. A shaky moan escaped her throat and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, wild to comfort him…desperate in the knowledge that she’d inflicted the wound.

W
hen they returned to Harbor Town, everything seemed different to Natalie. The woman who had dared less than a month ago to hire Liam Kavanaugh to investigate the crash seemed like a stranger to her now. How could she have been so bold?

How could she have been so
stupid?

Liam dropped her off at her town house. They’d talked a great deal on their return journey, and both of them had agreed that Liam would talk to his mother about what they’d learned. There were still some pieces missing to the puzzle that only Brigit Kavanaugh could provide.

Natalie didn’t envy Liam his decision to confront Brigit.

He did so on the same day they returned to Harbor Town. It was a gray September afternoon with a hint of autumn in the air. Her heart ached for Liam as she watched him drive away. He looked exhausted from their journey and the stress of what they’d learned in Tahoe.

She unpacked mechanically, telling herself not to think of the sad events of the past twenty-four hours. Every time she thought of Liam wincing in pain as they sat together in that gas station parking lot, something clenched tight in her chest. By the time she’d unpacked, coldness had settled into her bones. She went to her kitchen and filled the tea kettle. As she stared blankly out the window over her sink, it all seemed to crash into her like an emotional tidal wave.

She lowered her head and sobbed.

It hurt like hell, knowing full well what she’d done. Others had been able to quiet their curiosity about the crash. Mari had never seen fit to hire an investigator. Eric had never obsessed the way Natalie did.

Why couldn’t she have just let it rest? Now it was done, and she had to live with the knowledge that her obsession had wounded the man she care for—loved—more than anything in the world.

She hadn’t just hurt Liam with her actions, either. She’d started events that would lead to all the Kavanaugh children questioning their parents, their pasts, the very foundations of their lives. They would think her malicious in her interference.

She’d gained what she thought she’d wanted, and in doing so, she’d sacrificed the real treasure. Liam.

After she’d cried herself dry, she felt hollowed out…empty. The knowledge of what she had to do left her numb.

A knock sounded after ten o’clock that evening. Outwardly, she was composed as she answered the door. Inwardly, it was as if an icy hand clutched her heart.

“How did it go?” Natalie asked a minute later, once Liam had settled tiredly in an easy chair in her living room, and she’d brought him a cup of coffee, at his request.

He exhaled heavily and took a large sip of the hot drink. “Well…my mom didn’t deny any of it. We’ve been talking
nonstop the entire time. Once she understood that I knew the truth about DuBois, she sort of just…broke.”

“Is she all right?” Natalie asked, concerned.

Liam nodded. “Yeah. I’m not saying it was easy on her, but I think she’s okay. I called Colleen, and she and the kids came to stay with her tonight. I had no idea…”

“What?” Natalie whispered.

“I had no idea how guilty she always felt. Mom feels it was all her fault—the crash, the deaths, Deidre’s fury at her.” He gave her an entreating look. “It was always there, eating away at her. That’s why she was so defensive, why she was so…hard. I didn’t mention this to her, but I think it could be why she wasn’t taking her medications last year, why she was letting her health go. I think part of her didn’t care anymore….”

“It’s so strange,” Natalie said quietly as she sat down on the couch. “To think mistakes we made years ago could come back and affect us so greatly.”

Liam rubbed his whiskered jaw tiredly. “To think they could affect family, but also complete strangers. It’s a hell of a thing.”

Natalie nodded. “So what now?”

“I have to go to Germany. I have to talk to Deidre. According to my mother, Deidre
did
overhear the confrontation between my father and mother. I was right about that. The awful thing about it is, she overheard my father accusing my mom of Deidre being another man’s child, and my mother admitting it could be true. My father told Mom about the blood types—he assured her it
was
true. Deidre
couldn’t
be his. But Deidre never heard the identity of her biological father. My mom said she got upset and hurried away when she heard that she—you know—wasn’t my dad’s. Deidre demanded to know who her biological father was later, but my
mother refused to tell her. She begged Deidre just to accept that Derry was the only person who had ever been her father.”

Liam paused and dug his fingertips into his closed eyelids. He looked so exhausted—both physically and emotionally. Natalie longed to touch him, but she remained motionless. She felt as if she’d lost the right to comfort him.

“Deidre told Mom she was right. ‘Derry will always be my father—it’s
you
who aren’t my mother anymore.’ I told you how close my dad and Deidre were. Deidre must have felt like Mom robbed her of that. I suppose the feeling amplified a hundredfold after the crash.”

Natalie couldn’t think of how to respond to so much hurt and misery.

“My mom admitted that she told Dad on the day of the crash that she’d had a brief affair with Lincoln DuBois. That’s why my dad must have been so destroyed when he saw DuBois on the news. He was already upset, but seeing DuBois’ face must have twisted the knife. Apparently, Mom told Dad she hadn’t suspected Deidre was Linc’s child over the years, but she told me tonight she had her suspicions all along. Deidre not only had a different blood type from Marc, Colleen and I, she also had a very rare type. Mom had gotten hints from the medical staff when she gave birth that the blood typing for the baby didn’t match Mom’s and Dad’s blood types. Mom managed to keep that quiet over the years, until Deidre’s accident.”

He opened his eyes and their stares met.

“I have to go to tell Deidre who her biological father is. She would want to know.”

“
Lincoln
would want to know.”

Liam nodded grimly. “You saw how sick he was. There may not be enough time. I’ll have to leave tonight. Besides… I’m due to start work next week. If I’m going to go, I have to do it now.”

Natalie nodded. “I’ll get you some more coffee.”

“I don’t want anymore coffee. I want to hold you. Come here.”

She swallowed thickly and remained on the couch. His brow furrowed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Liam…I can’t tell you how sorry I am. About everything,” she whispered.

“None of this is your fault.”

She laughed raggedly. His expression froze at the desperate sound.

“It’s
all
my fault, and you know it,” she whispered, staring blankly at the painting about her fireplace. From the corner of her eye, she saw him rise. She stood abruptly, sensing he was coming over to the couch to comfort her. His touch would shatter her. She turned her shoulder to him and walked several steps away.

“Natalie…what’s going on?” he asked slowly.

“This thing between us…it’s not going to work out, Liam,” she said, averting her gaze. She cringed inwardly in the ensuing silence.

“I don’t follow you. Why?”

“Do you really have to ask that? Your family has been changed forever because of me. Your mother must be furious. Deidre is going to be flattened.” She glanced back at him furtively. His face looked rigid with tension. “It’s not just that,” she whispered.

“What, then?” he demanded.

Her bark of laughter bordered on a sob. She waved her hand between them. “You and I together. It’s…it’s ridiculous. Surely you see that. We’re not…suited.”

“I couldn’t disagree more,” he replied stiffly. “You didn’t think so just a few days ago, either.”

“You’re wrong,” she said more emphatically. She ignored
the tear spilling down her cheek. It was imperative that she make him understand this. She couldn’t bear to consider him furthering this huge mistake they’d made…the error
she’d
made. He was about to have so many new, unpleasant truths start to crash in on him. She couldn’t stand to think of him enduring that while he was still involved with her—the instigator of his unhappiness. “I’ve been thinking it for a while now. I spoke to my brother about it just before we left for Reno.”

She looked away from his narrowed gaze, fearful he would see the lie in her eyes. She had spoken to Eric, and Eric had given his opinion on his doubts about her affair with Liam. Natalie had refused to listen to a word of it.

“Eric and I agreed that what was happening between you and me was an emotional backlash, given everything that’s happened in the past,” she said, forcing her voice not to tremble.

“You and Eric agreed on that, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Look in my eyes and tell me that, Natalie,” he said, a hard edge to his quiet voice.

She inhaled, willing the pain in her chest and throat to ease. She looked into his eyes.

“It was a mistake, Liam. All of it.”

For a few seconds, he just studied her. A pressure in her grew, a wild need to fly into his arms and take it all back. It swelled in her chest when he turned and headed toward the front door.

She stood motionless for a full two minutes after he’d left, waiting for the pain to diminish. It eventually grew into a dull ache that felt like a cold, hard stone pressing against her heart.

Several days passed, and Natalie did the things she always did—she went to work, she went to a dance class, she had
dinner with her brother, Eric, one night. She felt like a robot, though. Empty. Lonely.

Once, she’d given in to a shameful melancholy and gone to Liam’s empty cottage. She’d sat on the terrace, where they’d spent so many happy hours together, and she’d cried like the foolish child she’d been just one month before.

She’d once told Liam that he was worried she’d asked him to open Pandora’s box. That’s precisely what had happened. Surely on his solitary journey to Germany, Liam would realize that. He would see the truth of what she’d said when she’d broken up with him. The circumstances of their investigation had not only thrown them together repeatedly, but had created a unique, emotionally charged atmosphere; one in which he might mistake his sympathy for the victim of his father’s crime for feelings of desire and caring.

Now that Natalie was alone and had time to reflect, she could find no other good explanation for what had occurred between her and Liam.

Not on his part, anyway. For her part, it was simple. She’d fallen hopelessly, completely in love.

Eric had been right about another thing. Liam Kavanaugh could get practically any woman he wanted on the planet. He was bound to eventually break her heart. Perhaps it was best for that wound to come sooner versus later, so that she could begin healing.

Both Liam and she needed to start the process of healing.

On the fourth night after Liam had left Harbor Town, Natalie woke in a sweat. Summerlike weather had returned with a vengeance. The last few days had been hot and muggy. She considered getting up and turning on the air-conditioning, but instead rose and opened her bureau for clothes.

She threw on some shorts and a tank top and hurriedly brushed her hair, leaving it down. The moon shone especially
bright on Travertine Road as she drove. She parked her car in the empty public parking lot.

She finally caught the cool lake breeze she sought as she walked onto White Sands, barefoot. For a full half hour, she sat on the desolate beach and listened to the waves rolling in, regular and steady as her breath. After a while, she couldn’t bear the stillness a moment longer.

She stood, and let her anguish move her.

It wasn’t uncommon for her to dance on White Sands when she was troubled. Tonight her emotions compelled her to new heights. She spun with longing; she leaped higher because she craved so much; her feet were compelled by the knowledge of love and desire, and by the fear that she might never know it again.

And when she stopped moving, she saw the object of her desire standing on the beach, watching her. She froze in her posture, sure for a moment he was an illusion conjured from her longing and moonlight. He stepped toward her and suddenly he was a solid man…even more wondrous than the fantasy of him.

She took one hesitant step toward him.

“What are you doing here?” she asked Liam.

“I went to your place the second I got back from the airport. Then I looked around town for you, and finally saw your car here, in the parking lot.”

His low voice sounded wonderful to her ears, if a little surreal. She’d longed to hear it so many times in the past few days.

“I thought a lot about what you said…about it being a mistake for us to have gotten together. I had plenty of time to think while I was on that plane for all those hours.”

“Oh?” Natalie asked shakily. She saw him nod.

“At first, I was just mad as hell. Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, I started to think a little more rationally. By
the time I stewed over things on the return trip, I came to a few conclusions. You had your say the other day. How about if you give me a chance to say my piece now?”

“I suppose that’s only fair,” Natalie murmured as her heart started to pound loudly in her ears.

“Do you remember early on, when you told me I shouldn’t assume I was going to learn something that would make me love my father less? That I might learn something to make me love him more?”

Natalie lowered her head in shame.

“You shouldn’t feel bad about saying that, Natalie. Because it was the truth.”

Her head came up.

“Before you, I couldn’t fully
see
my mother and father. I couldn’t see them like an adult sees another adult. I was blinded by secrets and hurt. Because of you, I’m seeing them as three-dimensional people who made mistakes, and suffered, and who still managed to love and be loved. I’m seeing their flaws—trust me, I see them clearly—but I’m seeing their humanity more than ever, as well. You gave me that, Natalie.”

She stifled a sob.

“And I started to realize something else on that plane. I know how uncertain you’ve been at times about us being together. I know you haven’t had that much experience with guys. I started to think maybe after what happened in Lake Tahoe, your guilt and your insecurity got the better of you. I started to think—well,
hope,
I guess—maybe you’d made a decision about breaking up based on those things,” he said, his voice growing gruff. “And not about what was really in your heart.”