If I Could Be With You (7 page)

CHAPTER ten

The experience of her first Broadway show was not one she was soon to forget.  She’d been worried that she’d have nothing to wear but was thrilled to come home from her last class before the weekend and find a gorgeous black sheath in just her size with heels to match. 

“I checked the clothes you brought and had Melanie pick something up,” Charles told her. 

When she’d gone into the bathroom to shower two nights later she found the diamond studs and her knees went weak. Charles had been waiting behind the door in his room and when he heard the box click open he’d slid into the bathroom to see her face.

“What? Why? These are too much!”

But she’d already been in the process of trying them on. No one had ever given her such an extravagant gift and while she didn’t know why he believed she deserved them, she was confident his desire to please her was pure. He didn’t want anything more from her than for her to be herself.

He reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear to glimpse the sparkle.

“Beautiful and classic, just like you.”

Hannah tried to pull him in for a kiss but time had been their enemy.

“Meeting Melanie and Eric in an hour and a half. No time for play.”

With that he closed the door.

Later, standing outside the theatre waiting for a cab to take them for a late dinner with their friends, Hannah pondered how three weeks had radically changed her vision of the future. On the plane into LaGuardia she could never have imagined how happy and comfortable she would feel not only in the city, but also with him. She’d never imagined anyone could love her so completely.

She still held a small bit of worry that he may be in love with an idea, a vision of her that didn’t match reality, but it was fading quicker than she’d thought possible. The old insecurities Jess had planted in her soul festered and tried to contaminate her growing faith that this man might be “the man” but whenever the fears arose, Charles seemed to be right there, holding her hand or gazing at her with affection.

Suddenly Melanie threw her arms around Hannah’s neck and freed her from her introspection. She whispered in her ear, “Eric wants to take me home right this minute. He says I’ve been a naughty girl and don’t deserve dinner or drinks.”

“What?” Hannah pushed back to look at her friend. “You shouldn’t let him punish you for anything Mel! He can’t keep you from having dinner with friends.”

It was the blank look on Melanie’s face that let her know she’d misread the situation entirely.

“Oh! Oh, of course.” She flashed a smile to show her embarrassment. “Then go.  By all means, don’t let us keep you.”

Melanie hugged her again, “Thanks Han.” She turned back and said, “You know Eric loves me and would never hurt me, right?”

“I totally do!” Hannah said while laughing.  “I was caught up in my own memories for a moment and misinterpreted what you meant.”

“OK, well,” she grabbed Eric and pushed him into the next available cab, “It was so good to hang! We’ll see you guys soon. What do you have, Hannah? Two more weeks to go?”

Hannah caught the look Charles aimed at Melanie. Not a good subject for the evening. She would need to find a way to distract him. She wasn’t ready to make a choice or a decision yet. Two weeks, was that really all that was left?

“Bye guys! See you soon.” Charles waved, then turned and took Hannah by the arm. “There’s a small restaurant a short walk from here. How comfortable are your heels?”

While she wanted to do whatever it took to take his mind off the time she had left, the heels were brand new and not broken in.

“Umm. No walking, please. New shoes and New York don’t seem to mix well.”

Another cab pulled up.

“Do you even want dinner since Mel and Eric can’t go?”

She couldn’t read his voice. She didn’t want to upset him or say the wrong thing.

“Whatever you want is fine.”

She heard him let out a frustrated sigh as he scooted across the seat to make room for her and she waited for the anger to show. When it didn’t and she heard him give the cabbie the apartment address, she realized she’d been holding her breath. He relaxed his head and neck against the seat while turning slightly towards her.

“I wanted to take you someplace special. I wanted Eric and Mel to stay.” His voice was quiet. “I don’t know. It just feels like nothing’s going right tonight.”

His blue eyes looked tired and a little sad. She traced his eyebrow with her thumb and let her hand cup his cheek.

“Tonight was beautiful. The show, the company, even right now. It’s all exactly what I wanted because it’s all with you.”

He leaned towards her and placed a gentle kiss to the right of her lips.

“I don’t want to lose you, Hannah.”

She wanted to answer, “You won’t.” The words formed and pushed at her throat like a butterfly trying to escape a cocoon, but they were trapped. Trapped by her inability to decide if all of this, these past three weeks, were a real enough reason to change her life. She kissed him harder in response.

The cab pulled up to the apartment and he pulled away from her to pay the fare.

“Charles, did you leave the lights on in the living room?”

While he’d given in on the air conditioning, it wasn’t like him to waste energy when they weren’t at home. He stepped from the cab and placed himself in front of her, holding her back with his arm. 

“No.  Give me minute to check things out. Stay here.”

“But what if you need help? Two is better than one, hot shot.”

“Hannah, just stay here. Please?”

“OK.” She pouted just a little. Maybe he’d hit the switch by accident on their way out to the show. It wasn’t like a burglar would turn on the lights, right? But then it hit her as he walked through the front door. If someone had turned on the lights, they probably had a key, and the only other person she knew who would have a key was…

“Nadia!” She heard Charles say with surprise. “You scared me to death. What are you doing home?”

A woman’s voice answered, “I missed you.”

It was just an average voice. Nothing distinctive about it, but it mind as well have been nails across a chalkboard to Hannah. A wave of nausea overtook her and she looked around for a place to be sick. Seconds turned into years and she felt older than ever when Charles returned to her side.

“I know.” He pulled her face towards him as if willing her to look him in the eye. “I know this isn’t what we were expecting. Remember when we go inside though, that it’s not what she was expecting either.”

“And whose fault is that?” Hannah said with more venom than she intended. The last thing she wanted to do was meet Nadia when she was coming home from a date with her husband. “I’m sorry.” She whispered to him. “I just never imagined this playing out like this! What does she think is going on? Did you tell her anything?”

“She knows someone’s been staying here, obviously. I told her I had a guest.”

“That’s it? You’re just going to bring me in there without warning?”

“Hannah!” He grabbed her shoulders. “What do you want me to do? She’ll know who you are and what it means the minute she hears your name. All your things are here.  You don’t have anywhere else to go. And, let’s not forget the most important fact, we love each other.”

“Do we?” she asked.

His eyes narrowed.

“You’re nervous and understandably so, but don’t you dare pretend like the past three weeks haven’t been the best of our lives. Don’t put down our feelings or what we mean to each other because you’re scared.

He took her hand in his, their fingers intertwined. “Let’s go start our new life,” he said.  “She’s waiting.”

CHAPTER Eleven

As they walked into the apartment, Hannah could hear Nadia complaining about her flights from the kitchen. She looked at Charles and the need to run overcame her.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered.

He ignored her pulling her forward but shielding her slightly behind his broad shoulders as they stood under the kitchen doorframe. 

“Nadia, You remember Hannah from Ohio.”

“Of course,” She added stepping forward and stretching out her hand. Dark brown eyes outlined in lashes, the length of which reminded Hannah of a giraffe, looked her up and down.

Hannah had no other choice but to step from her safe hiding spot and take the hand that was definitely wearing a ring. She wondered if Nadia had noticed Charlie’s was missing yet.

“Nice to meet you, Nadia. You have a lovely home. I’ve been enjoying my stay.”

Nadia’s eyebrows raised as if to say, “I bet you have,” although her actual words were, “I’m so glad.”

She commented on Hannah’s things in what she called the guest room. Hannah assumed she probably thought she’d been sleeping there, too. It dawned on her that this show of being a wife was probably just that, a show. Charles hadn’t had time to explain that she already knew their situation, so of course she would play the part.

“You two look very nice. Out for a night on the town?”

“I took Hannah to her first Broadway show. We were supposed to have dinner and drinks with Melanie and Eric, but they bailed.”

At the mention of Melanie and Eric a look almost like jealousy passed quickly over her face. “That’s too bad.”

Hannah tried but she couldn’t quite read what was happening. On the one hand Nadia seemed perfectly pleasant, but it was as if each word that came out of her mouth had numerous meanings.

“Well,” Hannah said deciding to be brave and just put everything out in the open, “I’m sure you must be really tired from the flights. Let me move my things out of your room. I haven’t been sleeping in there anyway.”

Charles coughed uncomfortably and squeezed her hand hard. Except for the ever-present sound of sirens and city life, silence filled the room. Nadia blinked a few times, unsure of what to say to the confirmation that this situation she had come home to was indeed more than a friendly visit from an old family friend.

“I am,” she said quietly. “Tired that is.”

More silence.

“I’ll go move my things,” Hannah said. She pulled her hand free and turned quickly towards the blue room. With every step she took, her anger and embarrassment grew. If he had just told Nadia the truth from the beginning she wouldn’t be in this mortifying situation. If he had been brave enough to risk the safety of his friendly marriage of convenience, maybe things could have been different.

She began throwing things into her bag. Each shirt became a curse word and before she knew it she had strung together a chain of profanity of which she hadn’t known she was capable. She looked around the room obviously intended for his “wife” and let the feelings overtake her. Had she been used? Did he even want her to really consider a life with him or was she just a fun time until Nadia returned. Had he expected her to end things and return to Ohio for good? That’s why he hadn’t told Nadia she was there. He thought he could satisfy a childhood longing and stay in his charade of a marriage.

The anger led her into the bathroom where she packed up her shampoo and conditioner. Her mind flashed back upon the shower that first day and how he’s heard her calling his name. She flushed in humiliation and reached for her make-up bag and toothbrush. Where else did she have things in the apartment? She needed to get them all now because she was walking out that door and not coming back. Her last two weeks in New York would be on a charge card at the Holiday Inn.

She threw open the door to his bedroom and picked up his T-shirt she’d been sleeping in. She pressed it to her face and the smell of him seeped into every cell in her body. Tears threatened to fall and she dropped it to the floor. She needed to move on. Saying I love you had been a mistake. Thinking this could be real, that she could have a life in the city and with him…just a pipe dream.

She didn’t have it in her to hurt or fight with someone like Nadia. The woman was going to stake her claim; it was evident in her eyes. It would get ugly and in the long run she wasn’t confident that Charles would actually pick her. Their history may have been chronologically longer but his time with Nadia contained more content.

She heard the click of the door behind her. She bent and picked up the shirt, folded it, and put it on the corner of the bed. Hands framed her shoulders from behind before arms encircled her. His cheek touched her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered. “I know this is hard but please don’t leave me.”

He turned her to face him, but she looked away focusing her eyes on the dresser and the alarm clock with its red numbers changing before her eyes. Minutes passed before she pushed him away.

“I know you are.”

“This can still work, Hannah.”

“Don’t fool yourself, Charlie. From the moment I arrived, it was all just a lovely fantasy, wish fulfillment on both our parts. Your reality is home now and I’m leaving.”

“I don’t want you to leave. This isn’t some damn adolescent fantasy, Hannah. I love you.”

“You love me? You don’t show me you love me by inviting me to sleep with you in your bed two doors away from your wife. You don’t show me you love me by not explaining from the get go that I am more than a house-guest to her. You want to know how to show me you love me, Charlie?”

He stood staring at her, arms at his side.

“Grow up,” she said. “If I’ve left anything behind give it to Mel. I’ll get it from her before I head home.”

She returned to Nadia’s room and grabbed her bag. She didn’t look to see if he was watching, didn’t turn to gage the reaction of his wife. It was about her now, not them. She would get a hotel room, finish up these last two weeks of class and go home to Ohio where she belonged. When she got home she would make some changes. She was through sitting around and waiting for her life to happen.

Her dress melted to her skin the minute she hit the hot night air and she mentally berated herself for not taking the time to change out of her heels. She hadn’t had time to call a car service so she started the walk to the subway.

“It was fun while it lasted, right?” She whispered to herself. “Two for one off the bucket list…a younger and married man.” She took a seat on the subway in between an elderly woman with a grocery bag full of food and a young girl with headphones, eyes closed, dancing in place. Her thoughts immediately flew to their last subway ride together. His hand in her shorts, the things she’d wanted him to do. “God, I’m such a slut,” she said to herself.

Reaching down she removed her heels and massaged her arches. She couldn’t remember how many blocks the Holiday Inn was from the train. She pulled out her cell. Two missed calls and three new texts. She scrolled through them to make sure she wasn’t missing anything important. They were all from him. 

She put the phone down before picking it up again. She found Mel’s contact info and texted an invitation to lunch the next day. There was no way she could leave NY and go home without hashing this all out with someone and Melanie was the closest thing to a friend she had there.

Her phone vibrated almost immediately. She hadn’t expected a response so soon, given the other couple’s excuse for not going to dinner.

‘On the line with Charles now. What did you do? He’s devastated.’

Maybe she was wrong. The closest thing she had to a friend in New York apparently wasn’t that close after all.

****

It took a few minutes before Hannah realized the pounding on her hotel room door wasn’t part of a dream. She sat up and went to pull her hair into a bun before realizing a few strands were somehow connected to her ear. A quick yank sent a small diamond onto the comforter next to her. Shit, the earrings. She hadn’t given them back.

Since the pounding on the door definitely wasn’t room service and she knew her card hadn’t been rejected there was only one person it could be. Well, at least she could give him back his gift. No need to feel guilty about diamonds. She pushed off the covers and grabbed her robe, tying it tightly enough that no part of her could be considered arousing. This needed to be over quickly, she didn’t want to give him the chance to talk her into coming back. She deserved more respect than he’d shown her, more than she’d asked for herself.

She left the latch on the door and stuck her face in the open space. He looked terrible. He had bags under the bags on his eyes. It was obvious he hadn’t slept.

“Up all night talking with the wifey?” She baited him. The moment it was out of her mouth she knew she was being childish. She was hurt but that didn’t give her an excuse to be cruel. She’d told him to grow up; she needed to display the same maturity she’d hoped for from him. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. What do you want, Charles?”

She saw hope in his eyes before he realized she’d used his full name to put distance between them, not out of esteem.

“I want you to come back.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am. One hundred and ten percent serious…open the door Hannah. We need to talk.”

“No. We don’t. I’m not angry anymore, well, I’m almost not angry anymore, but I won’t sleep in your bed under the same roof as a woman you’re married to when you don’t have to be.”

“Please let me in?”

He reached out and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Where’s your other earring?”

She stepped back and unlatched the door. He walked in and she undid the other diamond from her left ear.

“I’m glad you came actually.” She held them out and when he didn’t move to take them, she pushed the diamonds into his palm before stepping back with folded arms. “I can’t keep them.”

“I don’t want them,” he said and placed them on the table by the bed.

“Well, neither do I.”

“Fine, leave them for housekeeping then.”

“Maybe I will.” She lifted her chin.

He took two giant steps towards her and crushed his mouth to hers.

She pushed against his chest. Her insides screamed with desire but her mouth listened to her brain. She bit down on his lip, hard.

“Ow! What the fuck Hannah?” His eyes clouded over and he went to the mirror checking for blood. Rubbing his lip with his hand he turned back to her. “I know I hurt you. I know I should have told Nadia from the beginning. Hell, I know that I shouldn’t even be married to Nadia and I promise you,” He moved towards her again and she stepped back. “I promise you I won’t be for long.”

Something inside of her broke open. She’d dealt with too many broken promises from Jess. The desperation in his Charlie’s eyes scared her. She didn’t want the extremes or the drama. She suddenly wanted nothing more than for him to leave the room.

“You need to go, Charles.”

“Han, didn’t you hear me. I’ll divorce her. It’s over. I let it go on too long anyway. I want you… only you.”

She walked to the door and opened it.

“Please leave before I call hotel security.”

“I don’t understand, Hannah? What happened? How did things change so fast? You told me you loved me.”

“I woke up,” she said simply. “You and I, we’re pure chemistry. That’s all. It would never have lasted. I don’t belong here, not too mention the age difference and your marriage.” She stepped forward and touched his cheek gently. “The odds were never in our favor, Charles.”

He walked towards the door, head hung low. She’d done what she needed to do for them both but she couldn’t help feeling like she’d kicked a puppy. She wanted to reach out and hold him, to tell him to get his divorce, that she wanted to stay, not go home, but the old fears overwhelmed her. He may say he wanted to marry her, to have children with her but in the end he would realize sooner rather than later what he was giving up by choosing her and leave. He would hurt her like Jess had, even if for different reasons. She couldn’t fail again.

“I will never stop loving you, Hannah.”

“Goodbye, Charles,” she said as she closed the door, the image of his pained blue eyes burned into her psyche for what she knew would be an eternity.