If I Never Went Home (21 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Out of nowhere Charmaine called me last night. The A level exams just finished and now she’s hanging around waiting for results. In two weeks she’s having a birthday party and wants me to come. I have not heard a squeak from that girl for nearly a year and she still pretends to be my best friend. I suppose it’s nice of her. Of course there will be a bunch of people from my old school at the party. Do I really want to tell them about working in Clark’s Hardware back office? They’re all gearing up for university to become something big working in a nice office and making real money. Priya started at the University of the West Indies last September. She wants to be a lawyer. Aunty Indra keeps going on about how she will have to send her away to do her Masters because the girl is super-duper bright. We all know it’s because she doesn’t think any Trini man is good enough for her precious Priya. Marriage to a foreign would be the jackpot for this family.

At least no one expects me to become anything much. I think once my Mom died that was it. If I had a father things would have been different. He would care about me meeting someone nice and having a pretty home. Nanny only praying that Lord Jesus please I don’t get pregnant any time soon because she’s too old to mind the child while I go knocking about town. If I had a baby she would be the last person I would want looking after it. Her spitefulness alone would sour the baby’s formula.

The real joke of course is that they carry on like I busy screwing any and every man I meet in the hardware when I have never done anything more than kiss a boy and that was a while back. If you like to look good, and you have a figure, Nanny and Aunty Indra have it on church authority that you must be a whore. I don’t like to bad-talk anybody but Priya could do with losing a little of that baby fat she has round her middle, and the double chin doesn’t exactly make her a supermodel. I know, I know. I will be hit by lightning or something so for even thinking such evil thoughts about my cousin. I wonder if she’s still a virgin. I heard talk about a boyfriend but I haven’t actually seen the body yet.

The person who is expecting a baby is Margaret in the office. She is twenty-five and happily married to a decent if boring-looking man who picks her up every day after work. Before I was hired she alone ran the office with Mr. Robin. When I came along she wasn’t resentful or suspicious like I was there to take her job. Margaret should have been a teacher because she is so patient. Every day she has taught me a little bit more about stock-checking, dealing with orders and answering the phone properly. It’s only been six months and I cool about everything I have to do. Margaret never makes you feel stupid. And another thing I am grateful for is that if I make a mistake she always corrects me when the boss man not in the office. She is a real sweetheart.

Her due date come and gone. You never see a belly so humungous and her feet swell up like two tree trunks. The only thing still fitting them hooves is cheap rubber slippers. But the girl have hard ears and she not going to stop work till the very end. If she doesn’t watch out the baby will be born right here in Clark’s Hardware. I’m worried about her not taking it easy and she’s worried about me managing on my own. I’m going to be cool. I might not be able to do everything as fast as she does, but I will get it done, and I promised her that I will check and double-check everything. It’s not that Mr. Robin is a horrible boss, but he doesn’t have a lot of time for liming and chitchat. He wants his work done and he wants it done now without any big set of drama. I respect that about him and the fact that he always treats me like a grown-up.

And another nice thing about working here is that Granny Gwen always spoiling me and Margaret. Only yesterday she made cupcakes for her church group meeting and dropped by with some for us. It’s the little things like that I appreciate. I don’t miss the café. That was hard work and it’s true Mr. Morris was taking me for granted. When I said I was quitting he didn’t pretend to want me to stay. He said my job would be filled by the next day, so that was that. I saw the girls for a while and then – you know how things go. You don’t see each other and eventually you stop calling. Whatever. That is what life seems to be like, for me at least.

I keep thinking about Margaret and her husband having a new baby any day now and I know it shouldn’t but it gives me a pain inside. That baby will grow up knowing exactly who its parents are. Why I had to be different? Margaret has heard all about my invisible father and doesn’t have any time for my talk. According to her I had best forget about finding him because he could be living in Timbuktu for all we know. If no one will talk, and there is a blank on my birth certificate next to ‘father’s name’, there isn’t much that I can do. So why can’t I give up hoping? I know there is someone who does not know he has a daughter, and when we finally find each other both our lives will be complete. Until then we are coasting along, though of course he don’t actually know that he missing a daughter.

This morning when I came to work Mr. Robin announced that Margaret went into labour and they are in the hospital. I wanted to go straight away but of course I have to stay and keep the office going. And even though I see her every day I must remember that she has her own sisters who are probably with her. Besides, I can’t let Margaret down on the first day she isn’t in the office.

Whole day half of me excited to know when the baby coming, and the other bigger half worried that I’m not going to manage the office by myself. I don’t know how I end up running the people office and I’m not even nineteen properly. How they expect me to do this? But I hardly finish thinking like that when the phone start ringing and it never stop for most of the day. And touch wood – everything get done properly. Mr. Robin checked my work and he said he was impressed. I don’t touch the biggest clients but if an ordinary body can’t find what they need I can check stock and place orders up to a certain amount without Mr. Robin’s approval.

Around lunchtime Granny Gwen reach by the office with a big plate of food for me. I told her thanks and that she mustn’t do this too often. You could smell the yummy food before she even open the office door. Is one set of macaroni pie and baked chicken with her juicy gravy that going to stay on my hips and behind. I can’t afford to lose my figure or I will end up a spinster living with Nanny till one of us drop down and dead.

By the time we ready to close there was still no word about the baby so Mr. Robin phoned Margaret’s husband. Seems they did go to the hospital but then they were sent back home and now she is ready to go in again. I thought when you get labour pains that was it. You push and push and you get your baby. Yikes. Poor Margaret’s been in pain since about four o’clock this morning. When I am having my baby I going to do like them celebrities and get cut. And I hear that if you and the doctor agree he could take out a little of the extra fat while you already cut open. If you want to keep your man you better be able to make baby and look hot before the baby is three months, six tops. Come to think of it maybe I won’t have kids. I don’t want to end up with a hanging belly like Aunty Indra.

Well. Margaret’s baby is a real Trini because it wasn’t going to let nobody hurry it up to be born. It was around nine o’clock in the night that I got a text to say Margaret and the baby fine. They’ve called him Karim and visiting is tomorrow after four. It was such good news I even forget me and Nanny are not talking and I went to tell her.

‘I glad for she, but don’t let this give you any ideas. Margaret is a grown woman with a proper husband. She waited till she had everything line up before she make a child.’

Nanny can bitch as much as she likes because nothing is going to stop me from smiling. If you check I might even be smiling in my sleep tonight.

This morning Mr. Robin tell me we could go see the baby as soon as the hardware closed. Granny Gwen said she leg paining so it end up being only the two of us representing the hardware. Margaret is not a big lady normally but she make one hefty little pumpkin – a whole nine pounds. He’s not wrinkle-up like how some babies come out, but you can’t pretend that this baby is anything but ugly. Karim has one big head and it covered in fine-fine black hair. Of course you can’t tell the mother her baby’s not going to win any of those cute baby contests that they carry in the papers. And Karim did have that pure new-baby smell and soft-soft skin. I’m sure as he grows he will get better-looking. Well, I hope so for the child’s sake.

But the biggest surprise was Mr. Robin. You would never tell from his businesslike face in the office that he would be such a softie when it comes to babies. Once he had the baby in his arms nobody else get a hug-up. Only when the child started to bawl for his Mummy that Mr. Robin finally let go of Karim.

On the way back to the car park I had to say something.

‘Mr. Robin, I never put you down for liking babies so much.’

‘I can’t help it. Something about a new baby always makes my eyes water.’

‘How many children you have?’

‘One son. We lucky to have him. My wife could get pregnant but she couldn’t keep the baby so easily.’

‘Still you got one.’

‘I’m not complaining. My mother had the same problem. Apparently I would have had a lot more brothers and sisters if she didn’t miscarry.’

‘What’s your son’s name?’

‘Charles. He’s my eyeball. But I always wanted another child or even two more.’

I had to laugh. I have never heard a man talk like this before.

‘You laughing at me, Miss Ramlogan?’ he asked and put his arm around me tight. He didn’t let go. We were almost by the car and he was still holding me and walking. I could barely breathe but when I did inhale my nostrils were full of his aftershave. My brain went dizzy.

He opened the passenger door and let me go as he walked around to his side. Thankfully he put on the radio because I didn’t know what to say or where to look.

‘I sure you hungry,’ he said after a few minutes. ‘Let me buy KFC before I drop you home.’

‘You don’t have to do that, Mr. Robin,’ I said. ‘It will have food home.’

‘No, man. It late. You must be hungry and you can’t say no to a box of chicken and chips.’

And that is the truth. I could eat KFC every day. You see how I going to end up fat if I don’t check myself.

Nothing else happen. Well, not much. We got the KFC. I ate it in the car. He saved his for later. When he dropped me out he leant over and gave my hand a little squeeze and I could feel his pants brush up against my leg. I’m going straight to hell because my heart started beating hard-hard in my chest and all I wanted was for him to kiss me. Don’t ask me to explain because I don’t understand it either. How you can see somebody day in, day out and never feel anything for them and in one evening all of that could change?

As soon as I reach inside the house I went straight in the bathroom. My panty was soaking. I put my hand down there. Oh God, I have never wanted a man this much. I have to have him. I bite down on the hand towel in case Nanny hear anything or get suspicious. Then I flush to make sure she don’t come by the bathroom door. When I got into my bed a little later I was shattered. I wanted to dream about him but I never remember my dreams in the morning.

To be honest, I was a little frightened about going into work this morning. I mean he only gave me a hug-up and bought me a box of chicken and chips. The whole thing is in my mind alone. He’s my boss. And Granny Gwen’s son. And he has a ring on his finger. And he has a son. He not young. Lord Jesus, you and I both know he’s not interested in a silly young girl that his mother took pity on and forced him to hire. Is a good thing I figured all that out in my head before I reached the office because when I got there he was normal Mr. Robin, busy-busy and hardly noticing me. I felt shame about the way I got so hot last night in the bathroom. Lucky thing he’s not a mind reader or I would have to take my handbag and head out to look for a new job pronto.

Everything was normal that day and the next day and the next, but I felt more and more shame that I ever had those feelings even for one evening. Somebody up there saved me from making a complete jackass of myself. I don’t know how old Mr. Robin is but he old. Look how I throwing myself at a man old enough to be my father. In fact he might even be older than I think because someone pointed out his son the other day and is a boy bigger than me. I’ve seen the wife a few times, but now whenever I see her I look at the woman differently. I imagine them doing it and what that must be like. She’s not good-looking but she not ugly either. You would pass she straight. But you can’t know what does go on when the lights go off. She could be one porn star in the bedroom, pole dancing on top Mr. Robin. I better start going back to church yes – if only to stop thinking about this man and he wife doing the dog.

One way I am hoping to get my mind off lusting after Mr. Robin is by meeting someone else tonight at Charmaine’s birthday party. If the sweet sixteen was the warm-up then this is going to be a fantastic fete. I bought a gorgeous silky halter top, white jeans and red heels that I not even sure I can walk in much more dance down the place in. But they looking super cool and that’s why I buy the last size eight in the shop. Nanny took one look and pronounced them ungodly shoes that only ladies of the night wear. She need to get out more and see that anybody with good legs sporting six-inch heels these days.

And the party was worth all the dressing up and the hairdo and the makeup. The music was rocking, the food was good, and they had magical white lights in all the trees and in the ceiling of the dance section. And I swear that more than one man had his beady eye on my skinny white jeans. I even catch Charmaine’s old half-dead uncle checking me out. But these young boys here are just that – boys. I plan to only give the goods to a real man and nobody who rubbing up on me tonight qualify.