If Not For You (30 page)

“They will soon,” I said, and put my hand to his cheek, I loved the feel of his rough stubble. “Speaking of dreams, I need to go to bed. I’m sorry but I just don’t feel well.”

“You should have said something sooner, I’ll take you home.”

Home, that’s what he was to me, home. I knew he’d wrap himself around me and keep me safe and warm. My bad ass surfer hunk ex con would shroud me in his loving arms and make it all go away, for tonight anyway.

The bedding had been drawn back and a chocolate placed on both pillows while we were gone. Gage took a chocolate and popped it into his mouth with an
mmm
sound and I smiled at his enjoyment. He held one out to me and I shook my head no, chocolate was the last thing I wanted.

“You really aren’t well are you, baby?” he asked, carefully wrapping his arms around my waist and I wearily rested my head on his chest listening to the drumming of his heart against my cheek.

“I need some sleep, that’s all.” I assured him with a squeeze around his waist.

He made a pouty face. “I’ve been wearing you out. I feel bad. You haven’t been getting enough sleep.” Maybe that had a tiny effect on my not feeling well, but I knew the reason for my queasy gut and felt guilty for not saying anything. I certainly wasn’t letting him think he was at fault.

“We’ve been wearing each other out, and it’s been fantastic,” I said, as I slipped from his arms and started unbuttoning my blouse.

“Let me help you,” he said, as he slipped me out of my blouse, my dress pants and bra and pulled one of his t-shirts from his drawer and over my head.

Gage helped me into bed and stripped down to his briefs and cozied in beside me.

“Is it okay if I hold you?” he asked, reluctantly.

“It wouldn’t feel right if you didn’t,” I said and slid closer. “I need you to hold me and never let go.”

He spooned his chest to my back, wrapping his arms around me not too tight, but still tight enough.

“Gage?” I whispered.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” he whispered back wrapping a wisp of my hair around his finger.

“Never stop holding me?”

“I never will.”

***

Sometime during the night Tandy had left the bed. I woke and realized she wasn’t there, and the silence only helped create terrifying unease. Jumping from the bed to search her whereabouts, I felt sick to my stomach when I found her on the floor beside the toilet. I checked for a pulse and breathing a sigh of relief when I found one, strong and steady, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take not knowing what the fuck was really wrong with her.

Tandy had been sick and was lying in a puddle of her own vomit. I eased her onto her back and wiped her face with a dampened corner of a towel, stirring her. Her chin quivered and tears streamed from her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, far too weak to move.

“Why would you be sorry?” I asked, as I washed dried vomit from her hair, attentively stroking her cheek. “You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing. We need to get you out of this dirty t-shirt.”

I helped her to a sitting position and watched what little color there was in her cheeks drain away. Clearly she was experiencing more nausea as she softly moaned. I tore the t-shirt open without hesitation and threw it into the trash.

“You didn’t need to rip it silly,” she said, trying to laugh.

“It’s dirty, you would have gotten it in your hair again, it’s just a t-shirt I have more,” I assured her, as I lifted her into my arms and she laid her head against my chest.

“Will I take you back to bed or do you need to be sick again?” I asked.

“Back to bed please…I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying that, you can’t help being sick.” I laid her on the bed, got a clean t-shirt from the drawer and helped her into it and pulled the sheet up to her chin.

“I’m going to get you some ginger ale. Do you need anything else, aspirin maybe?”

“Nothing thanks…actually yes…the Doctor gave me new pills for nausea, I think they’re in the bathroom by the sink.”

“Be right back.”

Sooner or later Tandy was going to have to tell me, I was starting to feel exceedingly anxious each time she became ill. When she was at her worst I couldn’t help but feel the need to be her strength, her rock and a security blanket of patience. But that strength was only going to last for so long.

The questions were just sitting on the tip of my tongue. I was biting back the urge to interrogate her. Though I promised not to pry, I wondered how long I could put up with being kept in the dark. I didn’t like the dark, the places in my mind that only grew darker every day, these places were not pleasant, how could I hold her there when I knew the torture and the drag it had in my gut.

“Here you go,” I said, handing her a pill and a small glass of ginger ale. I fluffed her pillows while I waited until she was done with the glass.

Entwining my fingers with hers we lay facing each other, I noticed how her eyes observed me with absolute devotion, so unlike the way anyone had ever looked at me before. It was a soul searching absorbed look and I saw uncertainties in her stare.

My heart all but skipped a beat. I had no idea how this was going to play out.

***

Gage was staring into my eyes. He was searching my soul for answers, answers I wasn’t ready to give. I had set my sights on enjoying each day that we had together, but it was getting increasingly harder each time I became ill. The caring in silence was sweet. However, he was going to lose patience and in time he’d tire and insist on answers. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking at this moment, and decided to feel him out while I had him here quietly by my side.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you and all this pampering. You’re spoiling me you know? I’ll have to hire someone to take your place when I go home,” I said.

“Good luck replacing me,” he joked, but the laugh quickly left his voice and his smile disappeared as he lowered his eyes and busied himself smoothing out the sheets.

He had this sudden heart wrenching look, like a kid whose ice cream just fell out of the cone onto the sidewalk and the Good Humor Man already drove away. Was I reading him wrong? Was the idea that he was none too happy with the thought of us parting all in my head?

“Let’s not think that far ahead baby. You need to get some sleep now,” he said, cuddling closer and avoiding eye contact.

He reached over and turned off the bedside lamp, plunging us into darkness. The light from the numbers on the alarm clock gave a slight glow, but only enough to make out shapes, not near enough to see his face.

“Gage?”

“Yeah,”

“Thanks.”

“For what, sweetheart?”

“Everything. Being here, cleaning me up, putting up with all my shit…and not asking.”

“Tandy Manning, I’d do anything for you. I promised I’d wait until you were ready to tell me. Even though I want to know, I made you a promise and I intend to keep it.”

“Thank you,” I said, as tears welled up in my eyes and collected in a damp puddle on my pillow.

Day 27

“I’ll be back, sweetheart. Okay?” I whispered into Tandy’s ear and waited for a reply.

“Mmm…okay.” she said and rolled onto her other side pulling the sheet with her and snuggling back into her pillow.

This morning I needed a run. It had been quite a few days since I had a good run and the fresh air was just what I required this morning after a sleepless night. Worried about Tandy and hearing every sound and feeling every move she made in her sleep, it had been a tiring night.

After sending a vague email to Mr. Manning telling him how Tandy was occupying her time, I sent another in which I confessed that she had indeed seen me. I confessed only so I didn’t have to lie, I hated the lies. I also questioned as to my future employment since Mr. M was now aware of a social contact between us.

Don’t you worry about your job, son. I will take care of you. I owe you after all for watching Tandy. Perhaps a proper vacation is in order, a real one you can enjoy without looking after my daughter. She will never know about you and if she does find out I will take care of that too. You just do your job and let me worry about the rest. G.

What an arrogant son-of-a-bitch
I thought. If Tandy ever found out who I was and what I was really doing on that ship, I could only imagine what she’d do. She’d definitely never talk to me again. I’d be wiped right out of her life and then some.

I knew deep down that sooner or later she
was
going to find out; I just didn’t want it to be now. And as guilty as I felt for my part in George Manning’s lies, he was the one that had to live with his conscience. The fact that I was forced to do the old man’s dirty work still plagued me. I never knew at the time that I was going to fall for Tandy, I could have never foreseen a relationship with her and it was eating me up inside.

I vowed to myself to tell her everything when the time was right. Unlike Mr. M I had no intention of keeping her in the dark forever.

Putting those thoughts aside and the continuing question of her illness, I ripped into full speed and took off toward the stairwell. I had long lost count of the amount of stairs I ran up and down continually for the last twenty minutes, before bursting through the doors onto the open deck.

The air was crisp and cool at the early morning hour causing chill bumps to form on my bare forearms. Foot traffic was definitely not a problem at this hour. There were only the occasional walkers or joggers and crew members to maneuver around. The deck offered a great free run area and after round ten, I was well satisfied that I had gotten just what I had craved. Slowing my pace I glanced out at the water. It wasn’t quite as dark as yesterday. Almost certain that this meant we were heading to a new port tomorrow, remembering that we were booked to visit Dubai.

Sweat poured off of my brow and my shirt was drenched. It felt so good to be alone with my thoughts and letting off some steam was exactly what I sought.

I came to a stop and poured the remainder of my water over my head. A woman caught my attention as she bumped past me. Blinking my eyes trying to see through the glaze of water, an eerie feeling shook me and I wiped my face with my shirt tail. As I spun around with jaw hanging open I darted off in her direction, she turned a corner and as I turned it a moment later, she was gone.

“Paula? No fucking way,” I said, shaking my head and trying to clear my thoughts. I bent over with my hands on my knees to catch my breath.

It couldn’t have been her
, I thought. What would she be doing on a cruise, on this cruise, and better yet, why? My mind was playing tricks on me. I could blame it on sleep deprivation, I had to be hallucinating, but why would I imagine her of all the people in the world.

Swallowing back a feeling of impending catastrophe forming a lump in my throat, I started a slow steady jog heading back toward the room, hoping to God that it wasn’t her. A tightening in my chest sent my mind into a tailspin, sure that if it was her, she was here to cause trouble.

***

“Good morning gorgeous!” Gage called, peeking out through the balcony door as I sat at the patio table sipping my coffee.

“There you are. Guess I don’t need to ask where you were Mr. Hot and Sweaty. Good run?” He looked delicious, his hair wet with sweat and a thick layer of morning scruff on his chin. How I loved scruff.

“Great run, coffee still hot?” he asked, stripping off his wet t-shirt, wiping his face and pouring a cup of coffee.

The view was spectacular, his torso all covered with moisture and glistening. The loop in his nipple reflecting the sun’s rays caught my interest and I imagined my tongue swirling around it, as he closed his eyes and moaned taking a sniff of his coffee, snapping me back to reality.

“Yep it’s hot, Philippe just delivered it,” I said, watching as he added cream and walked behind me, stopped and gave me a peck on the cheek.

“Well it smells great, as do you,” Gage said, nuzzling his nose into the nape of my neck before taking a sip from his cup and taking the seat across from me. “I like when you smell of my shampoo.”

I had woke up and jumped into the shower, glad that Gage had left and I could clean the dried puke from my hair and freshen myself before he came back. Shaking my head at the embarrassment I was feeling and smiling when I thought of Gage lying beside me, not the least bit bothered. That was him, so unfazed with the pomp and pageantry of life.

I reminisced my time in the shower, I flipped open the lid on the bottle of Gage’s coconut shampoo, and stood with my eyes closed breathing in the wonderful smell that I would forever associate with him.

Like every morning, Philippe came with our coffee and set it up on the balcony. This morning I waited, anticipating Gage’s return. So unlike me, so out of character, I was starting to get used to his being with me almost every moment of the day. It scared me though, this need.

I couldn’t help but get lost in the thought of not having him around and then I blinked as the reflection of light, off the ball of one of his nipple rings sparkled and Gage playfully thumped his hand on the table.

“Hey!” he said, amused with my daydreaming.

“What?”

“You’re miles away, what are you thinking?” he asked, leaning his elbows on the table, resting his cup on his lower lip and slowly tipping it while the steam circled his face and he sipped the hot coffee. Everything he did was sexually alluring. Every move and every motion had me totally captivated.

“Did that hurt?” I asked, it was the first thing that came to mind.

“What?”

“Getting your nipples pierced?” I pointed and grinned.

“Yeah, it hurt like a bitch,” he confessed, tugging at one with a teasing smile.

“Why’d you do it?”

“Don’t really know. It was kind of the thing to do at the time.” he said with a shrug.