If We Dare to Dream (30 page)

“I haven’t smiled in so long I thought I forgot how, but then you came along,” he said softly.

Sympathy clouded her eyes. “I don’t blame you for not smiling, and I don’t blame you for denying your emotions.”

“It doesn’t help now. Too many things have happened too quickly.”

“I understand, and I’m scared too.”

She finished speaking with a single-minded nod and suddenly closed the gap between them, coming up on tiptoe and releasing her grip on his hand so she could clasp his cheeks and draw his head down. He did not resist; in fact, at that point he did not think he could refuse her anything. Lips parting willingly, his eyes fluttered closed just as she kissed him softly. Jamie held him in place, preferring to set the pace of the kiss on her own, and she took a step closer in a move that trapped his hand between them and brought her body against his. He was very much aware that only a skimpy robe stood between him and her silken skin, and the knowledge made every nerve in his body throb with excitement. The struggle within him was increasing with every light kiss, and it was costing him tremendously to remain perfectly still while she held him in her control.

Satisfied with her light kisses, Jamie suddenly grew bolder. Her flirty light kisses suddenly grew more demanding, becoming open-mouthed and urgent. With eyes squeezed shut in denial of his rising urges, he allowed her to continue toying with him until she finally let out a soft murmur of desire. Though pulling away was the hardest thing he had ever done, he raised his head and took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I should go before we do something you regret later.”

 Her eyes appeared dazed and unfocused when she looked at him. It took her a moment to comprehend what he said, but when she did she shook her head and pressed closer. “Andrew, I’d never regret being with you.”

His body hummed in response to her words, and all restraint disappeared in a rush of pure emotion. With a ragged groan, he lowered his lips to hers and showed her the extent of his longing. All the years of loneliness, loss, depression and hopelessness finally seemed to be a memory now. In his arms now was his future. Jamie was soft, willing, and even more beautiful than in his dreams. He clumsily drew her robe away from her silken skin and threw it to the ground before wrapping his arms tightly around her as his heart surged with joy. She wanted
him
. It took all of his strength and self-restraint to not throw her down to the floor then.

However, Jamie proved as urgent as he, and she roughly pulled his clothing off and drew him down to the soft carpet instead. She touched him with reverence and joy, tracing the outline of his tattoos with light fingers and smoothing the concern out of his muscles with her confident grip. It had been so long since he held a woman, and he grasped at every sensation holding her close brought him when he finally fulfilled his dream of being with Jamie. Though desperate to do things right, all too soon he lost himself in the warmth of a woman after years of isolation and solitude.

***

Jamie lay awake in the darkness, listening to the soft hum of the ceiling fan above her bed. It was as rhythmic as the sound of Andrew’s breathing, which had finally eased into the more regular pattern of sleep. Though not normal for her to stay awake so late on a work night, her mind was buzzing and made sleep impossible to achieve.

Though having been married and no stranger to intimate relations, the experience she had shared with Andrew had left her even more confused than before. Never had she felt so admired or treasured, and Andrew’s desire for her had almost frightened her with his intensity. Though she was certain that she was the only female of any consequence in his life, and though she understood how badly his baser instincts needed to be fulfilled, it was a carnal first meeting for both of them and something new and exciting for her. Afterwards, he had carried her to bed and covered her with a sheet, softly offering to let himself out, but she had surprised them both by drawing him back down to her. Again he had taken her, this time with less urgency, a more languid lovemaking where they began to learn each other’s likes and dislikes. Having experienced a magical moment incomparable to anything she had ever had before, now she had no idea where they were going or how things had changed between them. She wondered what morning would reveal.

As she lay in worry, Andrew made his first movements. It started as a twitch, a slight tightening of the arm around her shoulders that pressed her up against his side. The grip did not concern her initially, but when his legs began to jerk and his fists started to clench she became more alert to the fact that this was not just a dream.

A low moan, like an animal crying out in pain, rose in the back of his throat. She propped herself up on one elbow and reached up to stroke his cheek. “It’s okay, Andrew, I’m here,” she whispered into the dark.

His arm tightened, but he did not wake. The clenching of his muscles continued, so she moved her hand down his cheek and neck to his chest and then back up again. After a while, the stroking eased him somewhat, and she felt him slowly relax again.

A moment later his hand reached up and caught hers. The movement was fast, and his grip was firm. For a moment, Jamie hesitated in fear, but when she heard his voice it was thick with the remnants of sleep. “Everything okay?”

“You were dreaming,” she replied.

“I was?”

She felt his reluctant stiffening and realized that this was just one more attempt to deny what he called his faults. In an effort to promote his trust, she attempted to make light of it. “You were. You told me that you had the best night of your life.”

His stomach clenched in what appeared to be a snort. “I don’t think that’s what I said, but it sure is what I’ve been thinking.”

Placing a kiss on the warm skin of his chest where her cheek had rested, she smiled. “Me too.”

His arm tightened in response. “Good. That gives me hope for another go.”

Though he spoke matter-of-factly, she sensed his unspoken fear of her denial. Wiggling her hand out from under his, she trailed a finger down his chest and over his taut abdomen. His muscles clenched under her exploring finger, so she made small tantalizing circles.

“I was counting on it.”

“Are you free after work tomorrow?”

She chuckled. “Dinner will be ready at six.”

Growing more alert under her careful ministrations, Andrew rolled on his side to face her. “I’ll be here.”

Her playful tone grew serious as she stared up at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Deftly turning the tables, he lowered his head and kissed her while his hand slid from her waist to her hip. He pulled her up against him, showing her exactly what he wanted at that moment.

“Maybe another time.”

Much later, Jamie finally drifted off to sleep wondering what demons haunted his dreams. As Linda had told her just that night, Andrew and Adam both suffered from sleep problems due to their time in combat. What had he seen and experienced in his short life that made something as simple as sleep so hard to achieve? The things that he had lived through could only be described as a nightmare to her, and she wondered if she alone was strong enough to help him heal. Was this a problem that could be overcome? If so, could she help him through it? Jamie was afraid of losing the man she had come to care for and respect so much. She wanted to help him in any way she could, but was that possible? More importantly, would he allow her to try?

Chapter 15

The bedroom was shadowed in darkness when Andrew slipped stealthily from the bed with only the grey light of dawn creeping through the cracks in the blinds to guide him. Jamie’s soft, regular breathing hitched as he left her side, but she remained asleep while he gathered up his clothing and dressed. When he returned to the bedroom she was still laying peacefully on her side, her dark lashes resting against her cheeks. Feeling content for the first time in years, he watched her for a moment, almost willing her to wake up so he could hear her voice. Though the room was still dark, he could make out the hand that had recently rested on his chest now cupped under her cheek. She appeared so tranquil that he felt guilty for wanting to disturb her and slipped out as quietly as possible instead.

Reluctant to be seen leaving Jamie’s house by her brother, he knew he could not linger any longer. He was still feeling the languid aftereffects of enjoying the night with a beautiful woman, and his footsteps were slow and heavy as he left through the garage. He drove away with the same lazy slowness, spending his day in a fog of memories and elation that he would see her again that evening.

He stopped at his grandmother’s house after work to shower and change, a move that was not lost to his grandmother’s astute eyes. When he reappeared with fresh clothing and freshly shaven, Grandma wheeled into the kitchen with pursed lips and dancing eyes.

“You’re showered, dressed up and smell like cologne… I take it you have plans this evening?”

Andrew gave her a sidelong glance. “I do.”

“Need a little distance from your brother?”

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” he said stiffly.

She shook her head. “He drove down to Tucson to visit a friend for the rest of the week. He left this morning. I guess your disagreement last night bothered him, too.”

 “All right then. Maybe this weekend.”

Grandma wheeled up close to him and reached for his hand. “I’m very worried about Adam. He’s even worse now than after his first deployment. You have to do something.”

Andrew knew that his grandmother spoke the truth. Adam was walking on a thin line from about which he was ready to fall. He had seen it before, and it did not bode well. Adam had turned into a man who did not look at the future. He no longer cared. Yet Andrew also knew that there was nothing he could say or do to influence Adam until his younger brother got over his anger toward him. After their interactions over the last two days, Andrew doubted that was going to happen anytime soon. Adam resented Andrew with an intensity that seemed to have gotten worse over the years. Even though Andrew’s record was now clear and had no bearing on Adam’s military career, the way Adam continued to lash out at him bespoke of deep-seated rage that had not yet been spent. Andrew felt that anything he said would just be ignored.

“I don’t know what to do, Grandma,” he said regretfully. “I think he needs to go to medical and have them do a complete evaluation.”

“You know he won’t. After all, you didn’t so why would he?”

All his life, Andrew had taken care of Adam. He had always done his best by his brother, but in this situation he felt as though he could only fail him. What Grandma did not realize was that Adam would see his offers to help as insulting. Nevertheless, he could not deny his grandmother anything. She had done so much for them over the years and even more for him during his difficulties. He would not let her know how ineffective he felt.

“I’ll talk to him this weekend and see if I can get it out of him.”

“I knew you would… So you’re off to see Jamie?”

He nodded. “She’s invited me over for dinner.”

“I noticed that you didn’t make it back last night. Things are growing serious?”

Andrew colored slightly under his grandmother’s careful scrutiny. Was there nothing that escaped that woman? However, he was not yet sure what was happening between them and had no intentions of telling her that. The reluctance he felt to speak about it must have been clear on his face, for Grandma nodded in understanding.

“You’re not so different from Adam, except that you have the help of a really fine girl behind you. I’m glad to see you making the smart choice and pursuing her. She’s a smart and lovely young woman who has done wonders for you.”

“She’s quite a lady.”

“Don’t think any of us agree with your brother. She’s not a floozy, I can tell.”

He inclined his head in agreement, even as his fists clenched with lingering anger. Coming to blows the evening before with his brother was not the way he had wanted his first dinner with Jamie to go. It had nearly destroyed him when he found that she had left. He was out the door after her before he even considered the repercussions, which thankfully had worked out in his favor. He still tingled where she had touched him, and like an addictive drug he wanted more of her. “Jamie’s many different things; a floozy is not one of them.”

No, that she was not; a vixen, an angel, a magnificent friend and lover, yes, those things she was.

“He’s lashing out because he’s hurting. You did the same thing when you first received your discharge, Andrew.” When he opened his mouth to deny her words, she held up a hand to stop him. “I know it wasn’t quite as bad for you. You still hold a lot inside. He’s not as strong and therefore lashes out.”

Nodding slowly, Andrew conceded. “I understand.”

“Good. I know you can handle him.” She smiled again, her weathered face crinkling. “Will we see you later tonight, or should we just go to bed?”

“Probably.”

Grandma pursed her lips again as though deep in thought. “You’re young and have been alone for too long. If I were you, I’d do everything I could
not
to come home tonight.”

The conversation was growing far too personal for him. “I’ll feed the horses before I go,” he said abruptly.