If We Dare to Dream (35 page)

As everyone took their seats, Andrew returned his gaze to Adam. “I was hoping to spend some time with Adam before he left again… Adam, are you free after dinner for a bit?”

With all eyes turning toward him, Adam had no choice but to agree. His eyes flashed when he met Andrew’s steady gaze, but he nodded sagely. “It’ll be good to catch up.”

Throughout the meal, Andrew studied his brother, taking note of his continued anxiety and obsession with spinning his knife on his plate. He stabbed at his salmon with a vengeance despite its tender and flaky consistency, and he gulped the wine that he and Linda shared. Following the meal, Adam was quick to help Andrew clear the table and clean the kitchen, but the two brothers did not speak while they worked. It was so unlike his recent Evans family dinner, where the talk had been light, interesting and full of laughter. There was not much laughter this evening, and Andrew sadly noted that when they eventually retired to the rooftop observatory Adam brought along a twelve-pack of beer. Again he was reminded of his own early days.

The night was cool and clear, and the sky glittered with hundreds of stars. When they were kids, they would stage camp outs up on the roof. Many evenings they had lain in their sleeping bags and stared at the stars above. They wondered if there was life on another planet somewhere and whether or not they would live to meet a true alien. As Andrew took a seat in the deck chair that now took the place of their sleeping bags, his gaze scanned the horizon, taking note of the almost full moon and the black outline of the mountain off to the east. Adam followed his gaze.

“It’s been a while since we’ve been up here, huh?” Adam commented.

The nostalgia in his voice made Andrew lower his gaze. “I was just thinking about when we were kids. When I first got out of prison, I came up here every time it rained. It was filthy; I know Linda never comes up here to clean it.”

“I haven’t been up here since I enlisted.”

Which brought them full circle again, Andrew thought. “About that… We were talking about what you were going to do. Have you thought about anything? Are you going to move back here?”

“Why would I?”

The complete surprise in Adam’s voice took Andrew off guard. “Well, Grandma and Linda are here. I’m planning on staying…”

“I can’t come back here for good.”

As he spoke, Adam twisted the top off his bottle of beer. He took a long draught then, drinking down almost the entire bottle in one long, large gulp. Andrew watched in concern, pondering his words and wondering how to approach his resentment without appearing like the overbearing older brother Adam apparently thought he was.

“I don’t bear you any ill will after I was locked up, Adam.”

“Maybe you should,” he replied cryptically. Foot tapping in much of the same manner as his hands earlier, Adam finished off his first beer before reaching for another. Before Andrew could explore his comment, Adam glanced up again. “That whole situation really sucked, huh?”

“Just a little,” he said with a touch of sarcasm.

“She wanted you to take her home that night, you know.”

“Maybe if I had she would still be alive,” Andrew said tensely.

“She was hot.”

“I didn’t think so at the time… She was too drunk to be attractive.”

“Speak for yourself.”

Adam’s harshness caught Andrew off guard. He stared at his brother intently. Everything about his demeanor screamed nervousness, but Andrew was unable yet to determine what the cause of his discomfort was. His observation skills, honed from years in the military and then practiced in prison, were on fire at the moment. There was something within Adam just waiting to burst free.

“Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.”

“Well, she liked you that night. She wanted you to take her home. How did you not notice?”

The conversation was uncomfortable for Andrew, but he remained determined to listen to his brother and let him express any rage that he needed to get off his chest. “I was preoccupied.”

“With this Jamie?”

Andrew nodded. “Yeah, I liked her even then.”

“I wish you hadn’t. I wish you would’ve taken Kit home that night.”

He spoke with so much regret that Andrew felt a lump in his own throat. “You and me both, believe me.”

“Things would have been different for you,” Adam said as he finished off his second beer. “You would’ve been making bank for some architectural firm by now, probably married with a few kids running around.”

“I can’t think of it that way,” Andrew said. “It happened. Now all I can do is move on, pick up the pieces.”

“You shouldn’t have gone to prison, bro.”

“The case has been reopened, and I understand they’ve got some suspects. It’s done.”

“It never should have happened to begin with,” Adam insisted.

Andrew had enough. He changed the subject. “So you’re single again?”

Adam looked taken aback at the sudden change, but he recovered quickly. Opening his third beer, he took another long drink. “She took off after a fight we had… couldn’t handle the stress.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

Though Andrew replied earnestly, Adam’s response was immediately defensive. “I’m not the only one who came back a little stressed out.”

Andrew nodded. “I had it myself. Still do, really. But I control it on my own now.”

“How?”

Andrew smiled. “Yoga.”

A sharp bark of laughter escaped from Adam. “Yoga? You shitting me?”

“Actually, no.” He took a deep breath and took the plunge to open up to his brother in the hopes of breaching his angry wall. “I do breathing exercises and yoga positions. It’s helped me a lot in the last few years. But when I first came home I had meds.”

Adam perked up a little. His foot stopped the rapid tapping and he leaned forward in his deck chair. Though his eyes still shone in the darkness with a nervous glitter that Andrew had seen on too many occasions to count, he was feeling a little more confident that there was hope for their relationship yet.

“It was easy for you to go on meds after you had your discharge. I’m not discharged yet, so I can’t admit to anything. You know that.”

Andrew nodded in understanding, but still he pushed. “I couldn’t sleep. I still don’t sleep very well, but I’m working on that. It wasn’t just dreams… It was also the fear that if I wasn’t constantly on guard something would get me. Even just sitting and watching TV. I would think someone was going to burst in and fire.”

Adam nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean. There was a guy in my outfit who would sleep walk. He’d attack some of us while we were in our beds. None of the higher ups would admit that he was having trouble.”

“What happened to him?”

“He committed suicide.”

Andrew’s eyes slipped closed. “That’s not right.”

“They can’t admit to any problems, you know that.” Adam drank more. “We’re on our own.”

“Have you talked to anyone yet?”

“Why should I?”

The defensiveness was back in his voice, so Andrew backed off. “Just to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. I don’t have any problems. You know me, I’m always on edge.” He met Andrew’s stare straight on. “You know I’ve always been like that. You remember what it was like when mom was alive.”

Actually, Andrew thought, this was not the brother he had sent off to war before he was arrested. Though he knew Adam had his scars from their childhood, there was now an edge that had not been present before, a shift to his moods that marked him as a man under stress. However, there was nothing that he could do without his brother’s admittance of his problem. He watched as Adam opened yet another beer and nursed it down in a few gulps instead of just two. Andrew remembered the days that he had done the same thing. As a drunk, he was not a pleasant person. He had ruined a burgeoning relationship due to his anger as well. It seemed to him as though his brother was following in his footsteps after all.

“Do you want to take a quick ride with me tomorrow after work? We’d still have a good hour of sunlight.”

Adam glanced toward the barn. “I haven’t ridden in a while. Maybe.”

“I could use a little help since it gets dark so quick now, if you’re up for it.”

“I don’t know what my plans are yet. I still have a few people I’d like to see. Let me see how it goes.”

“Fair enough.” Andrew came to his feet and glanced down at his brother. “I’ve got to head down there now and close up for the night. Do you want to come?”

Adam shook his head. Suddenly he seemed more subdued, almost sad. “Nah, I think I’ll hang up here for a bit and stare at the stars. It’s nice out.”

Andrew nodded and headed for the spiral staircase, pausing long enough to place a hand on Adam’s shoulder as he passed. He gave him a brief squeeze. “I hope you’ll reconsider moving home.”

The rapid tattoo of his foot against the roof began again, and Andrew thought he detected a hitch in his voice when he answered. “I just can’t. You don’t understand.”

Though Andrew paused, he did not press further. Instead he descended the stairs, listening to his brother’s rapid foot tapping the entire way down, feeling helpless and as frustrated as his brother apparently did.

***

Despite his offer for a ride following work the next day, Adam had put him off all the way until Friday. But when Andrew arrived at his grandmother’s, he found that Adam had once again taken his rental car and driven off to parts unknown. Andrew hid his growing frustration behind a warm smile for the elderly ladies, one that reached his eyes. They commented on his growing happiness with pleasure, and Andrew realized that his excitement stemmed from seeing Jamie. With his brother gone away again, that meant an evening in her company. After days of not seeing her, he was feeling a lot lonelier than he would admit to and could not deny the anticipation filling his chest. Already his mind spun with plans on surprising her before she left work for the evening.

With efficient speed, he completed his chores and showered before wishing the two women good evening and hurrying back out the door. It had been a long week without her. He missed her company and missed talking to her. After the heaviness of his depressive and unpredictable brother, he longed for her steady smile and warm hands.

It was almost an afterthought that drew him to stop at the grocery store on the way to her office. However, once inside he strode purposefully for the refrigerated section and grabbed a small bouquet of flowers. He was greeted at the cash register by a smiling older woman, and he smiled sheepishly at her in return.

This was all new to him, the overwhelming urge to show his appreciation and desire. In his previous relationships, he had always been the selfish one, treating his girlfriend almost as an afterthought while he focused on his career. Either his years of danger had matured him and gave him a new appreciation for life or Jamie was
the one
. As he pulled into the parking lot of her office, he wondered if maybe it was both.

Her car was still in its regular spot, so he parked next to her and exited his truck, nervously gripping the end of the bouquet while he made his way to the door. As he pulled it open, he came face to face with a young blonde on her way out.

“Oh, excuse me,” she said in surprise.

He stood aside to allow her to pass, but she hesitated when she saw the flowers. Gaze flicking between him and the bouquet in his hand, the girl’s eyes suddenly went wide.

“Are you, uh, Andrew?”

The slip of a girl was staring at him in awe, and before he could speak she held out her hand and shook his free one rapidly. “I’m Melissa, Jamie’s assistant. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Clearing his throat, Andrew nodded politely. “It’s nice to meet you, Melissa. Is Jamie inside?”

“Oh yeah. She’s been working long hours this week since you haven’t been around. Maybe you can talk her into leaving at a reasonable hour tonight?” She gave him a once over before smiling brightly again. “I’ll bet you can talk her into it. You have a great night.”

“Uh, thank you. You do the same.”

As quickly as she had appeared, Melissa hurried away, and he reached for the door again and pulled it open. It was dim inside compared to the afternoon sunshine, and he stood for a moment to allow his eyes time to adjust. The soft sounds of classical music reached his ears, and he could hear Jamie’s voice through an open door to his left. The desk directly ahead of him, now vacant, was obviously Melissa’s. It was a colorful arrangement of toddler paintings, photographs in multi-colored frames, and a cup with flowers taped to the ends of pens. He shook his head. No wonder Jamie used her to greet her clients. She certainly was enthusiastic.

With two chairs resting against the wall across from Jamie’s office door, Andrew took a seat to wait for her to finish on the phone. It was not long before she laughingly wrapped up her conversation and set an appointment for the following week. When he heard the handset return to the cradle, he came to his feet and knocked on the open door while poking his head inside.

“Hey.”

Jamie visibly startled with a small cry of surprise. Her hand pressed against her breast, but her chocolate eyes lit up with pleasure. “Andrew! You just scared me to death.”