If You Could See Me Now (35 page)

Elizabeth was the
first
to speak. “Ivan, in a complicated life, I try my best to make things as simple as possible. I know what to expect, I know what I’m going to do, where I’m going, who I’m going to meet
every single day.
In a life that is surrounded by complicated, unpredictable people, I need
stability.
” She looked away from the lake and met Ivan’s eyes for the
first
time since they had sat down. “You,” she took a breath, “you take the simplicity out of my life. You shake things around and turn them upside down. And sometimes I like it, Ivan, you make me laugh, you make me dance around streets and beaches like a lunatic, and make me feel like someone I’m not.” Her smile faded. “But last night you made me feel like someone I don’t want to be. I
need
things to be simple, Ivan,” she repeated.

There was a silence between them.

Ivan spoke. “I’m very sorry about last night, Elizabeth. You know me; it wasn’t done out of any malice.” He stopped to try and
figure out if and how he should explain the events of last night. He decided against it for now. “You know, the more you try to simplify things, Elizabeth, the more you complicate them. You create rules, build walls, push people away, lie to yourself, and ignore true feelings. That is not simplifying things.”

Elizabeth ran a hand through her hair. “I have a sister who is missing, a six-year-old nephew to mother, about which I know nothing, a father who has not moved away from a window for weeks because he is waiting for his wife, who disappeared over twenty years ago, to return. I realized last night that I was just like him as I sat on the stairs, staring out the window, waiting for a man with no surname who tells me he’s from a place called Ekam Eveileb, a place that has been Googled and searched on the damn atlas at least once a day and that I now know doesn’t exist.” She took a breath. “I care for you, Ivan, I really do, but one minute you’re kissing me and the next you’re standing me up. I don’t know what is going on with us. I have enough worries and I have enough pain as it is and I am not volunteering myself for any more.” She rubbed her eyes tiredly.

They both watched the activities in the lake as the leaping salmon brought ripples to the water, making soothing splashing sounds; across the lake a heron moved silently and skilfully on his stilt-like legs along the water’s edge. He was a
fisherman at work, watching and waiting patiently for the right moment to break the glassy surface of the water with his beak.

Ivan couldn’t help but see the similarities in both their jobs at that moment.

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think as it’s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

If there is a noise, it’s internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That’s what it looks like and that’s what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that’s the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It’s as wild as that, as raw as an open
flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it’s silent, you’re just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.

But Elizabeth, she saw the heartbreak in me and I saw it in her, and without having to talk about it we both knew. It was time to stop walking with our heads in clouds and instead, keep our feet on the harder soil of ground level we should always have been rooted to.

Chapter Thirty-Three

“We should get back
to the house now,” Elizabeth said, jumping up from the bench.

“Why?”

“Because it’s starting to rain,” she said, looking at him as though he had ten heads, and
flinching as another droplet of rain landed on her face.

“What is it with you?” Ivan laughed, settling down into the bench as a sign he wasn’t budging. “Why is it you’re always dashing in and out of cars and buildings when it rains?”

“Because I don’t want to get wet. Come on!” She looked to the safety of the trees longingly.

“Why don’t you like getting wet? All it does is dry.”

“Because.” She grabbed him by the hand and attempted to pull him off the bench. She stamped her foot in frustration when she couldn’t move him, like a child who couldn’t get her way.

“Because why?”

“I don’t know.” She swallowed hard and looked away. “I’ve just never liked rain. Do you have to know all my little problems?” She held her hands over her head to stop the feeling of the rain falling on her. “There’s a reason for everything, Elizabeth,” he said, holding out his hands and catching the raindrops in the palms of his hands.

“Well, my reason is simple, in keeping with our earlier conversation, rain complicates things. It makes your clothes wet, is uncomfortable, and ultimately gives you a cold.”

Ivan made a game-show noise, signaling a wrong answer. “The rain doesn’t give you a cold. The
cold
gives you a cold. This is a sun shower and it’s warm.” He held back his head, opened his mouth, and allowed the raindrops to fall in. “Yep, warm and tasty. And you weren’t telling me the truth, by the way.”

“What?!” she shrilled. “I read between the lines, hear between the words, and know when a full stop is not a full stop, but more like a but,” he sang.

Elizabeth groaned and stood with her arms wrapped around herself protectively and with her shoulders hunched as though sticky gunge were being thrown over her.

“It’s only rain, Elizabeth, look around.” He waved his hands wildly. “Do you see anybody else here running?”

“There
is
nobody else!”

“Au contraire! The lake, the trees, the heron, and the salmon, all getting soaked.” He threw his head back and continued tasting the rain. Before Elizabeth headed to the trees, she gave one last lecture. “Be careful of that rain, Ivan, it’s not a good idea to drink it.”

“Why?”

“Because it could be dangerous. Do you know what effect carbon monoxide has on the air and the rain? It could be acidic.”

Ivan slid off the bench while holding his throat and pretended to choke. He crawled to the edge of the lake. Elizabeth’s eyes followed him but she continued lecturing him.

He dipped his hand into the lake. “Well, there’s no fatal contaminations in this, is there?” He scooped out a handful of water and threw it at her.

Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened with shock as she stood there with water dripping from her nose. She held her arm out and pushed him roughly into the lake, laughing as he disappeared under the water.

She stopped laughing when he didn’t reappear.

She began to get worried and stepped toward the edge. The only movement was the ripples caused by the heavy raindrops landing on the calm lake. The cold drops on her face no longer bothered her. A minute went by.

“Ivan?” she said shakily, “Ivan, stop playing, come out now.” She leaned over further to see if she could see him.

She sang nervously to herself and counted to ten. Nobody could hold their breath for that long.

The glassy surface broke and a rocket shot out of the water. “Water
fight!” Ivan grabbed her by the hands and pulled her headfirst
into the lake. Elizabeth was so relieved not to have killed him she didn’t even mind when the cool water hit her face.

“Good morning, Mr. O’Callaghan; morning, Maureen; hello, Fidelma; hi, Connor; Father Murphy.” She nodded sternly to her fellow villagers as she walked through the sleepy town. Silent, stunned stares followed her as her runners squelched beneath her and her clothes dripped.

“That’s a good look for you.” Benjamin laughed, holding up a cup of coffee to her while he stood beside a small crowd of tourists who were dancing, laughing, and sprinkling coffee on the pavement outside Joe’s.

“Thank you, Benjamin.” She nodded seriously, continuing on through the town, her eyes sparkling.

The sun shone over the village that hadn’t yet received any rain that morning and its inhabitants watched, whispered, and laughed as Elizabeth Egan walked through the small village with her head held high and her arms swinging by her sides as a piece of lakeweed clung to her tangled hair.

Elizabeth threw another coloring pencil down, crumpled up the sheet she had been working on, and tossed it across the room. It missed the bin, but she didn’t care. It could stay there with the other ten crumpled balls. She made a face at her calendar. The red X, which had originally signaled the end date for Ivan, Luke’s invisible friend who had long since gone, now signaled the end of her career. Well, she was being melodramatic. September was the opening date for the hotel and everything was going according to plan, everything had arrived on time with only the minor disasters of a few wrong orders. Mrs. Bracken had her team working long hours making cushions, curtains, and duvet covers. But, unusually, Elizabeth was the one slowing things down. She just couldn’t
find a design for the children’s playroom and was beginning to detest herself for even mentioning the idea to Vincent. She was too distracted lately. She sat at her favorite place at the kitchen table and laughed to herself at the memory of her “swim” that morning.

Things between her and Ivan were more unusual than ever and she couldn’t understand the situation she found herself in. Today she had effectively ended their relationship and it broke her heart to do it, yet here he was still with her in her home making her laugh, as though nothing had happened. But something did happen, something huge, and she could feel the effect of it right under her chest. As the day wore on she realized that she had never backtracked so much in a relationship with a man and yet still felt satisfied to be in his company. Neither of them was ready for more, not yet anyway, but she wished so much that he was.

Dinner with Benjamin the previous night had been pleasant. She had battled with her dislike of going out to eat, her dislike of food, and her dislike of unnecessary conversations, and while she managed to put up with those things with Ivan, sometimes even enjoy them, she still found it a task. Socializing wasn’t enjoyable for her. However, they had much in common, had a nice chat and a nice meal, but Elizabeth wasn’t upset when it was all over and time to go home. Her mind was hugely distracted, wondering about her future with Ivan. Not like when Ivan left her.

Luke’s giggles brought her out of her daydream.

“Bonjour, Madame,” Ivan spoke.

Elizabeth looked up to see both Ivan and Luke entering the conservatory from the garden. Both had a magnifying glass held up to their right eye, the effect causing their eyes to appear gigantic. Across their upper lip a mustache had been drawn in black marker. She couldn’t help but laugh.

“Ah, but zis is no laffing matter, Madame. Zere ’az been a mur-dare,” Ivan said gravely while approaching the table.

“A murder,” Luke translated.

“What?” Elizabeth’s eyes widened.

“We’re looking for clues, Madame,” Luke explained, his uneven mustache wobbling up and down on his upper lip as he spoke.

“A ghastly mur-dare ’az taken place in your jardin,” Ivan explained, running the magnifying glass along the surface of the kitchen table in search.

“That’s French for garden,” Luke explained.

Elizabeth nodded, trying not to laugh.

“Forgive us for just barging into your ’ome. Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Mister Monsieur and zis iz my foolish sidekick, Monsieur Rotalsnart.”

Luke giggled. “It’s backwards for translator.”

“Oh.” Elizabeth nodded. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you both but I’m afraid I’m very busy here, so if you don’t mind . . .” She widened her eyes at Ivan.

“Mind? Of course we mind. We are in ze middle of a very serious murdare investigay-c-on and you are vot?” He looked around; his eyes fell upon the crumpled balls of paper by the bin. He picked one up and studied it with his magnifying glass. “You are making snowballs as far as I can see?”