If You Loved Me (25 page)

* * *

Gray stowed her suitcase in the luggage compartment while she climbed aboard and belted herself in. She'd spent so many hours alone in this small flight cabin with him, hours searching for Chris and Jordy while she came to know the man at the controls and the world he'd chosen to live in. They'd shared his thermos of coffee, his tent, and small scraps of each other in conversation.

There was no conversation today. She saw Gray frown as he stepped around the front of the small plane. He was probably still frowning when he opened the door and climbed into his seat. She kept her gaze forward, staring at the water and the trees. Though she wanted to turn her head and take one long look at his log home, she reminded herself it was wise to keep focused on her destination.

Back to Seattle. Away from Gray.

The engine started with a ragged beat that quickly smoothed as the seaplane responded Gray's hands on the controls.

"There's a high pressure area settling in," said Gray as they taxied out of Refuge Cove. "We'll have turbulence."

He grasped the set of headphones hanging from a hook near the radio, slid them over his copper hair. She deliberately turned her head to look out her side window. Gray's house shrank in the distance as he powered the plane into the channel. She felt a pull, like a cord connecting something deep inside her to the house where she'd fallen in love for the second time in her life—with the same man.

When he pushed the throttle to a roar, the little plane lifted in the water and sped toward a curve in the passage ahead. Emma stared at the trees until they disappeared underneath the seaplane. Ahead, the mountains on shore rose green and vibrant from the deep blue of the water.

"It's beautiful," she said, her words swallowed by the noise. She turned her head to look at Gray, but he seemed oblivious to her presence in the cockpit. The headphones covering his ears would blank her words.

Today, he hadn't offered her the second set of headphones that could make conversation easy between them. For two days she'd shared this cabin with him, locked into intimacy by a shared channel through the headphones. Now, her set hung on its hook, within her reach. She could grasp them, slide them over her head, and then if she spoke, Gray would hear.

I love you. We could find a way to make this work if you would let yourself love me.

She'd already said those words, so she said nothing now, her hands clenched in her lap throughout the flight. It was a quick flight, bumpy and bright, the sun blazing into the cabin. Gray landed in the inner section of Prince Rupert harbor and taxied noisily up to the seaplane floats she'd taken off from three days ago. He cut the engine and pulled off his headphones, then swung open his door. He was out of the plane before the wind sound could fill in where the engines had been.

"Choppy out there!" called a man's voice. It was Dave, the pilot who'd flown Emma out to Gray's house three days ago. He was standing on the float, his leather jacket pressed against him in the wind.

Emma couldn't hear Gray's answer. Dave was holding the wing of Gray's plane while Gray lashed a rope from the float to the pontoon. When Gray stood up from fastening the plane, he moved to the luggage compartment.

"So you found your missing kayakers?" Dave shouted against the wind.

Emma heard Gray's answer as she scrambled out of the plane. "Yesterday. They should be on the Kinahan Islands tonight." Gray's eyes met Emma's with no sign of emotion. "I won't forget to check on them this evening."

"Thank you," she said politely, as if he were a stranger.

Gray turned back to Dave. "If you've got anything going down Arthur Passage today, I'd appreciate it if you could keep an eye out for those two kids."

"I've got a party flying down to Kitkatla Village, kids heading back from summer camp." Dave flashed an easy grin to Emma. "Don't worry. I'll get the pilot to fly the channel and spot your son. We'll keep an eye on them all the way back into port. They'll never know they're being watched."

"Thank you." She wondered if her smile was as stiff as it felt.

She'd been in Dave's plane only days ago, worried about Chris. She hadn't even thought to tell him about her son, to ask if he'd seen any kayaks in the passages, and if he would help in the search. She'd been on her way to Gray, as if Gray were the only person in the world who could help her.

"Emma's flying back to Seattle today," said Gray.

"I hope you've got a reservation," Dave said. "All the airlines are booked up with the Shriners' convention breaking up today. Hotel rooms are at a premium and the airport's a mess."

"I'll find something." It didn't matter.

She'd been numb ever since Gray left her on the counter in his darkroom. Soon the feelings would get through. She wasn't sure what would happen then. She could not let herself think about anything until Gray turned and walked away. Then she would be safe.

Dave said something that sounded like gibberish to Emma. Then Gray's voice. Then Dave's again and he turned to Emma with a smile.

"That's settled then. Cheryl and I will put you up tonight. I'll set my secretary to work on wrangling you a flight south tomorrow."

"Thank you," she said mechanically. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

"What about you, Gray?" Dave asked. "Stay in town for dinner tonight? We can put you up."

She wasn't sure how she would get through dinner with Dave and his wife. She'd have to pretend exhaustion and the need for an early night. If Gray was there it would be unbearable.

"I have to get back," Gray said. "There's a party of archaeology students out at the camp and I've got a deadline on the new book."

"Another time, then."

"Right. Say hi to Cheryl for me."

Emma clenched her fingers hard so that the nails dug into her palms. She saw Gray's hand reach out toward her and she stepped back to stop him.

"Take care, Emma." His eyes flicked down to her leg. "Don't work too hard."

"No," she lied, knowing that long hours at the hospital would be her only weapon to fight the memories.

"I'll be up at the office," said Dave. He turned and left Emma and Gray alone with the brisk wind.

"Thank you for asking Dave to keep an eye on Chris and Jordy, and checking on them yourself."

"It's no trouble."

She drew in her breath carefully. "I don't know what to say to you."

"Say good-bye, then turn around and walk away." His eyes were sober, fixed on hers. "Tomorrow you'll know you've had a lucky escape, twice in one lifetime."

"We could make it work."

"No, we couldn't."

"Do you think you're going to win a prize if you get through life without letting yourself need anyone?"

He didn't answer and a merciful, blazing anger surged up in her. "That's what happened to your marriage, isn't it? You might have married Samantha, but you never let your happiness ride on her. Not on me, either. Not on anyone in this world."

His face was granite and her voice grew louder. "This is all about old baggage. Your mother left, she must have. If she'd died, you'd have told me when I asked. You acted as if you didn't care, and that's what you're doing now! You're stuck back there, and you're damned well never going to need anyone or love anyone because you don't believe in anybody! No one calls you Graham. Why is that? Did your mother call you Graham? Maybe she loved you, too, but you won't think about that. You'll go to your grave alone because you—"

He gripped her shoulders and shook her. She tossed her head wildly and her hair tumbled forward so she couldn't see him or the world.

"When I was eighteen I thought you didn't want me because I was too young and too innocent, but it was you who had the problem! I might have been reckless, desperate to grab at life, but I was willing to love you, willing to open up and be vulnerable! I'm not the one who's spent my life pretending I don't need anyone!"

He let her go as if she'd burned him.

"You lost that somewhere," he ground out harshly. "You're a damned coward now. You talk about love but you're afraid to answer a telephone next month. You don't know what the hell you want. Just get out of my life, Emma! I've had enough!"

She heard someone on the dock behind her and knew she'd been screaming and he'd been shouting at her, too. If there had ever been a chance he might call one day she had just burned it into dust.

"Did you ever want to love me? Back when we were kids and you kept telling me it was over and I called you and called—you didn't, did you? When I called and that girl answered, did you and she—?"

"We were lovers," he said, and the words drove into her like knives. "We'd been lovers for a long time."

"When you were seeing me?" His shoulders seemed to grow harder as she stared at them, her own tears distorting her vision. She blinked and the tears overflowed. It wasn't true. She didn't want it to be true, but if it wasn't, then he was using the words to wound her, and that would hurt almost as much as if he'd been unfaithful to her from the beginning.

She turned away, but couldn't see where she was going. His voice shouted her name and she started to run, cannoned into someone. Strange hands steadied her. Behind her, Gray called her name.

She pulled, twisted, desperate to escape the hands holding her.

"Hey, Emma. You okay?" It was Dave.

She gulped in air painfully. "I've got to get out of here!"

She heard footsteps walking away. A man. Boots. "Is Gray leaving?"

"Do you want me to call him back?"

"No. Don't call him."

Chapter 12

As Emma wheeled her suitcase away from the SeaTac luggage carousel, she spotted Alex's familiar lean form walking toward her. He gave her a light kiss on her cheek.

"You look tired. On the phone, you said the boys were okay. Has anything happened?"

"No, they're still fine." She managed a smile. "You didn't need to pick me up, Alex."

"I wanted to. Let's go. I've got the car outside."

He smiled that gentle smile she liked so much, and she realized she liked everything about this man. If she had any sense, she would have fallen in love with him instead of Gray.

"We need to talk, Alex."

"First you need a good dinner and a glass of wine." He guided her through the doors to the outside world. "Wait here. I'll get the car."

She curled her hands around the handle of her suitcase. She didn't want to tell Alex she wasn't going to marry him
here,
with travelers rushing past. On the phone last night, she'd told him she would take a limo into town and asked him to come over for dinner after his office hours. She'd intended to tell him then, over dinner in her own home, alone with him.

Now she'd either have to tell him in the car, or dodge the issue for the duration of the half-hour drive into the city.

Alex's car slid into a vacant loading zone space and his trunk popped open. He jumped out and stowed her suitcase, then opened the passenger door for her.

"What would you prefer?" he asked when he slipped into the driver's seat. "I know a good restaurant close by, quiet music and good food. Or would you rather go home where we can organize a pizza delivery?"

"The restaurant, please." She closed her eyes as the car started, grateful she didn't have to tell him here, in the car, while he was driving. That would have been too cowardly.

* * *

The restaurant was everything Alex claimed. Five minutes from the airport, the music low and gentle, the dining room adorned with a scattering of leafy trees between secluded tables. Deserted except for one couple talking in low voices at a table near the entrance.

The hostess led them to a table near an unoccupied piano.

"Our pianist won't be in for an hour," she apologized.

"That's fine," said Emma mechanically. She sat in the chair Alex held for her and waited until he sat across from her.

"Alex, I—"

"Drinks before talk," he insisted, and in moments a waiter had delivered a light cocktail to her and a glass of seltzer to him.

He gestured to the seltzer and explained, "I'm on call."

Another waiter appeared and, without asking Emma, Alex ordered clam chowder and Pacific salmon for them both. She wondered if she looked incapable of thinking for herself today, or if he was the kind of man who took over a woman's life once she promised to marry him. He hadn't seemed like that.

The waiter left and Alex moved the candle to one side of the table and reached for Emma's hand.

"We're alone now. Tell me what's wrong."

She managed a smile. "Is it that obvious?"

"That you're not yourself? Yes, it's obvious. Is it something about Chris?"

"No." She squeezed his hand, and it seemed as if she drew strength from him. Then she realized how unfair it was to be touching him, using his strength, when she intended to break their engagement.

She pulled her hand away. "Chris is fine. The boys are fine. Dave told me they were safely in the Kinahan Islands last night. That's just a few miles from Prince Rupert."

"Dave?"