If You Still Want Me (10 page)

"I can't pretend ta' know what's in the cards
for the future, but I think Vickie done made it clear she wants us
to try this. I wanna try it, too."

"Saul..."

"I want you, Austin, and I don't wanna run from
these feelings no more." Detaching my body from his enough to coax
him around to face me, I say what I should'a said last night. "I
don't want you to fuck me, Austin. I want you to make love to
me."

I watch in awe as an understanding blossoms in
his eyes. It's so beautiful - that moment when he accepts what I'm
offerin' an' decides ta' take a chance on this. I think, maybe,
he's acceptin' things about himself in that moment, too.

I wanna give that to him more than anything -
that ability to be comfortable with yerself. I wanna hold hands
with him in public just as much as I want him ta' take me to bed. I
want a real relationship with this man, built on the foundation of
our friendship an' open to the idea 'a Victoria sharin' it with us.
I smile, 'cause I see those same wants reflected right back at me
in his eyes.

"I love you," he affirms before sliding a hand
up the back 'a my neck, tugging slightly on my hair and pullin' me
into a kiss that damn near blows my mind.

Those subtle ways he commands my body - a touch,
a gentle pull, a stern glance - it has me lit up in ways I don't
get from Vickie's whip. It's different, and I can only imagine what
they could do to me together. My whole body convulses at the
idea.

He pulls away from the kiss, leavin' me panting
with a tiny whine. I try to reestablish my lips to his, but he tugs
on my hair to keep me still. I playfully fight against the hold,
and his eyes darken.

Damn, he likes it, and it's my pleasure to keep
it going. "You gonna make me wait all night, cowboy?"

"You said you wanted me to make love to you,
yes?"

"
Sí,
" I grin. Okay, so I know a little Spanish.

"Then," he nips my chin but pulls away too
quickly for me to make a counter move. "We're gonna do this right.
First, you're gonna get into the shower while I order pizza and
check in with Brandon."

I whimper at the idea of havin' to wait any
longer to have my hands on his naked body. His grip on my hair
tightens, making my cock weep with me. "Do I gotta?"

"A horse ride followed by five hours in the car
says you do. Plus, you barely ate anything at brunch."

"I was too worried ta' eat," I pout, my fingers
tweaking one of his nipples through the fabric.

He grabs my wrist while pulling me away from his
body by my hair. "That's why you need to eat. Please, Saul. For
me?"

The move and the request has all my engines
fired up. I think Austin's been watchin' all the things that go on
at The Stables. I think he's been watchin' and takin' notes.

Even without the club or the leather, I still
crave this dominance. I need it. It's part of how my brain
functions.

I'm sure there's reasons behind it, tied to
certain things that I don't like to discuss with myself, but I
don't think it much matters how I got this way. I enjoy it. I think
Austin's enjoying it, too, an' that makes me happier than I've been
in a long time.

"Yes, sir," I reply, lowerin' my eyes in
submission while the smile on my lips grows just a bit.

Austin gently tugs my tall height down, kisses
my forehead then lets me go. "Good boy. Go on, then."

He swats my ass as I turn towards the bathroom,
and I swagger a bit to the sound 'a his chuckling behind me. I
think we're startin' ta figure ourselves out, me an' my best
friend, and I can't wait ta' see what happens next. Vickie gave me
freedom last night - I get that now. I'm gonna use that gift, then
me an' Austin are gonna bring her home, together.

I know the days are supposed to be getting
longer, but today feels like it's dragging its feet towards a
drawn-out death. Tabitha, great planner that she is, decided we
should spend the whole New Year's Day at her house. I'm all for
spending time with family, but she started off with pancakes at
eight this morning, and now we're playing cards at seven in the
evening after eating a full-course, pot roast dinner. The woman is
eight and a half months pregnant, but she has no idea how to slow
down.

I have to admit, I envy her a bit, even as she
was telling me I was peeling the carrots wrong. Sometimes, I wonder
what my life would be like if I'd been more like Tabi. She chose a
husband and kids over a career. Sure, you can have all three, but
it's hard. I respect but don't necessarily want to be someone who
tries to have it all.

I chose a career I enjoy and a lifestyle that
doesn't exactly fit in with a husband, two-point-five kids and a
dog. I like working with my friends and being Brandon's Accounts
Manager. I like dealing with numbers and going after unpaid
invoices. I like the club and its lifestyle. I love Saul and
Austin.

Saul and Austin.

Damn, I hope they're back at Brandon's estate
working themselves out. When I called Saul back last night, I could
hardly make out what he was saying through his sobs. I realized
right then that I had to lift some of the weight off both our
shoulders so we could take some steps forward without continuing to
sink into the mud beneath our feet.

Letting Saul go was one of the hardest things
I've ever done in my life, but I know in my heart it was the right
thing to do. We each need to get ourselves back on stable ground
without repeatedly pulling one another back into the muck we've
stirred up and let stagnate over the years. I hope he'll eventually
understand why I've done this to us. I hope he uses the opportunity
to stop letting Austin run from everything, and I hope they both
still love me in the end.

“
Gin!” Joseph's voice crashes
into my thoughts as he slaps his cards down on the
table.

Jerry hoots with a laugh as Tabi grumbles,
showing her nearly completed hand. “I swear, you better not be
passing him cards under the table again, Daddy.”

Daddy gives his best innocent smile. “You know I
only did that because he was the youngest and you play a mean game
of Gin Rummy.”

“
C'mon, Tabi,” Joey grins
wide, boastfully rubbing it in. “Don't be a sorry
sport.”

“
Six games in row doesn't make
me sorry,” she narrows her eyes. “It makes me suspicious.” Her dark
brown glare turns on me. “Especially since the card-shark here
hasn't won a single hand tonight.”

“
I'm not as good as I used to
be,” I shrug.

“
Uh-hu,” Tabi keeps that glare
on me.

Jerry gets up and kisses Tabi's brow. “I'm gonna
go check on our baby girl to make sure Joey's winning streak aint
woke her up.”

Joey snorts. “That girl could sleep through the
four horsemen playing polo in the back yard.”

“
Takes after my Queen Tabi,”
Jerry laughs then ducks past Tabitha's hand as it attempts to slap
his arm.

“
Keep it up while I'm too
bloated to retaliate,” she calls after him. “You think women don't
know how to remember payback owed?”

“
Like elephants,” Joseph
mumbles then winces as Tabi kicks him under the table.

“
I'm pregnant, not
deaf.”

Daddy chuckles into his coffee mug next to me.
Despite my thoughts being elsewhere, I'm glad I'm sitting here next
to him. It's good to see him happy, and I know that's part of the
reason I've considered moving down here. I tell myself it was a
shallow threat to get Saul's feet moving, but when I'm here with my
dad, it doesn't seem quite so shallow anymore.

“
You alright, princess?” he
whispers to me as Tabi and Joey continue to spar with
words.

“
Just a bit tired,” I lie and
he knows it, so I amend my statement with a touch more truth. “A
lot on my mind.”

“
Whenever you're ready to
talk,” he leaves the rest unfinished, smiling instead.

I've never had to worry about my daddy not
listening when I needed him to. From the moment my momma and I
showed up on his church's doorstep looking for shelter, he's always
listened to every single word. I'm just afraid that this time, my
words might hurt him.

“
Excuse me,” Joseph stands
from the table as his cellphone rings from his back
pocket.

“
Joesph,” Tabi warns. “This
is
family
night. You tell your
girlfriend you're busy.”

“
Right,” Joseph hesitates on
the word, giving me a glance before he exits the room to
answer.

“
Girlfriend?” Daddy perks up.
“Joseph got himself a girl?”

“
He won't say,” Tabi crosses
her arms as Jerry reenters the room.

“
Let the boy have his
business,” Jerry playfully scoffs. “Remember when we was his age?
All hushed phone conversations and sitting on Elijah's porch with
quiet laughs.”

“
I remember,” Daddy answers
first. “Tabi was tickled when you came by or called, and
embarrassed when I tried to pry.”

“
And I was afraid,” Jerry
admits. “Good woman, beautiful, and daughter to a great man –
shoot, what could a boy like me offer?”

“
A warm heart,” Tabitha
responds in a rare moment of unguarded affection.

“
You treat my Tabitha right,”
Daddy adds. “I saw it the moment I met you – that you'd be the
right boy for my girl.”

“
Thank you, sir,” Jerry bows
his head respectfully as he smiles. “Maybe Joey done found himself
a beautiful soul like my Queen Tabi.”

“
One can pray,” Daddy
replies.

I try not to frown on Joesph's
behalf, but he needs to set this family straight about him, well,
not being straight. “That's what matters, right? That the
person
is a beautiful soul; a good person
who Joey loves and who loves Joey back.”

“
Amen, princess,” Daddy
squeezes my hand.

“
It's what matters,” Joey's
voice has all our eyes raising to the doorway where he's standing,
a bit pale looking but smiling. His worried eyes turn to me first.
“Alex just got accepted to an internship in Minnesota.”

“
Minnesota?” Tabi
blinks.

“
Alex?” Jerry asks at the same
time. “That this pretty girl you're hiding from us?”

“
Not exactly,” Joesph takes a
few shaky steps towards the table before collapsing into the chair
next to me. “Alex is short for Alexander.”

“
Oh,” Jerry laughs. “Shoot,
here we were speculating you done found yourself a girl. This Alex
a friend of yours from college?”

“
Uh, yeah. He called to let me
know so we can make some plans.” His hand grips mine under the
table so tight it hurts, but I don't pull away. I said I'd be
there, and that's exactly how it's gonna be. I think Joey realizes
he can't hide this anymore.

“
Plans?” Daddy asks, peering
past me with his good eye aimed at Joey. “You... Are you thinking
about moving up north with your friend?”

“
Minnesota?!” Tabi asks again,
louder with an added high-pitched uplift at the end that makes my
ears ring.

“
I'm sorry, Pops,” Joey lowers
his eyes, but I dig my thumbnail into his hand. I don't want to see
that shame in his eyes. He has nothing to be ashamed of. “I've
wanted to tell you for a while, but...”

He pauses, takes in a long,
deep breath as he eyes all of us around the table before stopping
and meeting Daddy's worried expression. “Alex is... He and I...
I'm
in love
with him,
Pops.”

“
Lord have mercy!” Tabitha
gasps so big I wonder if her water broke.

“
Son,” Daddy pauses, his eyes
watering through three, long breaths. “Are you trying to tell this
old man that you... Are you gay?”

Joey shuts his eyes, holds onto my hands for
dear life, then meets our father's gaze head on. “I am.”

“
Well, uh,” Jerry doesn't seem
quite sure how to respond, but he's also trying to hold Tabitha
back as she's praying to Jesus under her breath.

Tabi goes quiet as Daddy stands up slowly from
his chair, his knees fighting him for a few wobbly moments. Daddy
looks like he's about to leave the room, and it puts a hollow
feeling in my stomach. I can only imagine the hurt Joey must be
dealing with.

Daddy takes a step towards the door behind
Joseph then stops. With his hand gripping the back of my chair, he
pivots then opens his free arm. “Come here, boy.”

Joseph shoots up out of the chair so quick it
almost falls over, then he can't get into Daddy's offered embrace
fast enough. “I'm so sorry, Pops!”

“
Shh,” Daddy hushes Joey who's
barely holding onto the choking sobs shaking his body. “It's okay,
son.”

“
Yes,” Tabitha says coolly.
She's sitting up straight now, her back an iron rod and her face a
shield of serenity. It gives me chills when she gets like this,
because I know she's about to go to war. “It will be okay. There's
a church in Lake Charles that has a treatment program.”

“
Treatment program?” Jerry
tilts his head.

That ruffles all my feathers. “He's not sick,
Tabi.”

“
According to Pastor Robinson,
he is!” Tabi fights back.

Jerry lets a rare flash of
anger into his eyes. “I t
hought you
stopped watching that TV preacher.”

“
But he's right, Jerry! Just
look – the Devil's stepped right into our family and-”